Wonkette

Fast-track that resolution, Boner! A Hill operative sends us this photo and writes, “The War on Christmas is alive and well in the House of Representatives. This Christmas tree was seen discarded on the 2nd floor of the Longworth House Office Building.” Oh that’s no Christmas tree, just an aborted tree fetus. But why is abortion taking place in Congress? (Maybe because it’s awesome?)

What a foolish set of numbers. Why does Rasmussen have so much trouble counting to 193? [Marginal Revolution]

• MARK SANFORD WILL NOT GET IMPEACHED FOR SEXING: “A House panel has voted against a resolution impeaching Gov. Mark Sanford for abandoning his duties and abuse of power, all but closing the door on lawmakers removing Sanford from office.” Good. Sanford is terrible but shouldn’t be impeached or forced to resign for having a very comical affair. And liberals shouldn’t say “no no, it’s because he used state funds for his trip!” because that sounds an awful lot like, “no no, it’s because he lied about his affair before a grand jury!” [The State]

Former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton, who was arrested Monday night for allegedly beating the fucking shit out of a ladyfriend during a case of BDSM gone wrong — possibly because he had roofied her, which made it super hard for her to say “green balloons” during the fifth or sixth donkey punch and/or choking episode — has dissolved his lobbying firm, Jetton and Associates. According to a statement, he wants to spend more time with his family HAAHAHAH OH YES SURE YOU DO DIPSHIT. MORE »

Look what’s up for pre-sale, everybody: the memoir from John Edwards’ famous ex-slave, Andrew Young, about how he would blow and grundle-pump ol’ Haircut every morning for years, only to be rewarded with an order to claim the fatherhood of John Edwards’ bastard child. Hey, publisher’s website? We think you have the wrong Andrew Young here, in your bio. If you thought you were getting that Andrew Young to write a book, well then, ha ha ha, oh man… don’t shoot the messenger! [Macmillan]

Aspiring children’s birthday clown Michael Steele wants to know exactly what Harry Reid’s problem is. It’s like, Reid already has his precious “20 seat majority” so why are we even still talking about any of this health care whatever? Oh no? Oh YES. Steele went on Morning Joe’s Pun & Politicks Revue on teevee this morning to prove, with arithmetic, that Harry Reid and his dumb health care amendment statute Congress bill are totes “whacked-out.” Michael Steele is one viewing of School House Rock short of being merely benign. [TPM]

It’s clear that the Washington Post’s evil whorish neocon opinion editor is intent on losing all of his newspaper’s subscriptions — and just as the Post is about to raise fares, producing the proverbial double-whammy of Failure. But why must he force this Jennifer Lee, who simply needs a paycheck in a tough economy, to sign her name to such bad-faith filth? FRED HIATT CHIVALRY FAIL. (And yes that link is purple because we clicked it, once, and for that we apologize. No clicks for you, however!) [The Awl]

Vulgar leather smoking jacket John Boehner does not believe in Congress WASTING ITS TIME on meaningless resolutions, and so it makes sense that he has now introduced the most meaningful House Resolution of the current Congress: H.R. 951, the resolution to save Christmas from the Jews, Atheists, Aliens, and other Democrats and Nobamas. MORE »

‘AL’ GONZALES FIXED MOST THINGS: From one of those fancy New York Esquire interviews, where it’s all answers, no questions: “This may sound egotistical, but to me it is important that when I leave this earth, I would have made a difference — that people would know Al Gonzales lived, he touched lives, he made a difference, he left a mark.” [Esquire]

Congressman Joe Baca loves golf! So much so that earlier this year, he decided to use his Powers to arrange a fancy meeting with Tiger Woods (and possible autograph session??): by awarding him the Congressional Gold Medal, Congress’ top civilian honor. Baca’s legislation was never moved on in Committee, and now Baca has officially killed it, due to recent revelations that Tiger Woods has had sex with most porn stars and cocktail waitresses in America. Poor Joe Baca! Another innocent childhood, destroyed. [The Hill]

Lo, the White House’s Christmas dinner’s insidious dessert! What could this ACORN cookie signify? What COULDN’T it signify? The answers are “chocolate” and “vanilla,” respectively.  [Ben Smith]