Wonkette

The Moonie Times’ critically mocked real-life adaptation of King Lear appears to have reached its fifth act, where Rev. Moon expands his kingdom into the burgeoning Mass Funeral sector and then fucks off to Paraguay to die. The Washington Times is laying off FORTY percent of its workforce. But… but not for 60 days so silver lining? Hooray! Plenty of time to choose any of the millions of media jobs on the market right now! Ugh. BRUTAL. Worse yet, the Times issued a press release shortly after giving its staff the bad news, wryly titled, “Washington Times Announces Additional Changes to Become a 21st Century Multimedia Company.” Points for honesty, that. “21st Century Multimedia Company” is code for one that’s fired all of its employees. [Mike Calderone]

Senator Judd Gregg, who only a few decades ago, in 2009, nearly became a domestic policy Cabinet member in the liberal Barack Obama administration, has circulated to his fellow Senate Republicans a memo listing in extreme detail the various medieval Dark Magic procedures it can apply to impede health care reform from reaching a final vote. Using legal methods to protect minority rights — sounds a bit ACORN-y, don’t it, HMM? MORE »

Judging from how hard television producers have already worked to book John McCain on their shows this year, to discuss topics he doesn’t give a flying fuck about, like health care or domestic policy in general or really anything non-deathbomby, he will now probably be on most television shows at all times for the next week or so to discuss his figurehead (Very Serious) role in determining Afghanistan strategy. He even has three programs left today — yeah, that’s right England, you have to put up with this shit too; he’s coming to bomb your “telly” at 19:00 Royal Queen’s Time. And don’t be surprised if he shows up on tomorrow’s episode of Friends, or whatever the top programs are these days. [John McCain via No More Mister Nice Guy/Balloon Juice]

You have probably seen this like ten times by now, where Chris Matthews says Obama went into “the enemy camp” (the White Army) to deliver his speech last night. Shockingly, this pissed off no one more than National Review’s Kathryn Jean “Jonah Goldberg” Lopez, who declared this moment MSNBC’s “new shameful low” and added, “Chris, he’s commander-in-chief.” What is she THINKING! K-Lo, you’re K-Lo. Hopefully the millions of hateful wingnut e-mails she’s received for uttering this lie will straighten her out. Meanwhile, Meghan McCain had a different reaction. MORE »

ALL NEW YORK GAYS SLAUGHTERED, HOORAY! The barely functional New York state senate somehow got its shit together just enough to produce an orderly vote on a piece of legislation today, and it was “the big one” to legalize gay marriage, and it lost by 10 million points, 38-24. Give that majority whip a bonus! Sorry gay people. [NYT]

Barack Obama presented lovers of Endless War last night with their precious tens of thousands of extra troop deployments to Afghanistan, to help the military protect Afghanis from the Americans. He presented his plan to Congressional leaders immediately before last night’s speech, so as to shut them the fuck up for a few seconds, jesus. Among these leaders was America’s #1 war-lover John McCain, who of course whined and screamed about how this new plan wasn’t quite warry and deathy enough to sate his infinite bloodlust for murder, terror, destruction and horror across the face of the earth, forever, until the last starving brown/black baby in a poor nation wins its Freedom from an American bazooka to the skull. MORE »

America’s second-favorite Death’s Head, Joe Lieberman, is very happy today because Barack Obama has finally embraced war and horror as really the only thing this country can do anymore. MORE »

Want to make sure next year is awful, too? Then why not book your passage today on the March 2010 NewsMax.com Love Boat! For as little as $1,349 per person, you can share a tiny claustrophobic inside cabin for seven fucking days and nights on some hideous cruise ship, and during the day you will be forced out on the deck to suck Dick Morris’ toes. (Could be worse. You could have “anus duty.”) Some other wingnuts you’ve never heard of, they’ll be hanging around, too! And if you just won the lottery and need to get rid of that cash, quick, go ahead and spend $17,598 for a single veranda suite on this Death Boat. [NewsMax Cruise]

David Vitter may or may not have ever introduced a legitimate piece of legislation into Congress, but he sure knows how to skim the top during the amendment process, for demagogic things to exploit! His press release is like… Barbara Mikulski already introduced an amendment for this, but what does that skank know about jug cancer? David Vitter respects the dickens out of women.

This country may no longer be “Number One” in anything important — manufacturing, education, innovation, hot chicks, architecture, infrastructure, wealth, health, spaceships, etc. — but the U.S.A. still leads the world in whining like a special needs titty baby about EVERYTHING, all the time. MORE »

Today, December 2: In important beer happenings news, Granville Moore’s is pairing Belgian and Belgian-style beers with fried Frog’s Legs, Ostrich Fillets and other fine foods for a special beer dinner. Remember, everything tastes better with good beer, even Frogs. MORE »