Wonkette

HORRIBLE BUMMER: The Africkan Creature that ran through the streets of Atlanta on one memorable rush hour not too long ago has been put down. Apparently he messed up his hooves on his crazy walkabout, and they could not be fixed, and so he was killt. SAD. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution]

• Set your alarm clock! Pre-orders for Apple’s latest slickly packaged menstrual product for ladies commence on April 3. [CNET]
• Huzzah, the government will stop subsidizing student lenders and will just make direct loans to students (if the budget bill ever passes)! [New York Times]
• Beloved Olympic champion Lindsey Vonn won some other thing! [BBC News]
• Harry Reid’s wife and daughter were seriously injured in a car wreck, but they are both OK so feel free to make jokes about that as long as you are not David Denby. [Los Angeles Times]
• Andrew Cuomo will no longer investigate precisely how corrupt New York Governor David Paterson is, as this investigation was ruining the appearance of impartiality, which Cuomo would like to maintain so that he can be governor. So some ex-judge will now be probing the blind gov, for fun. [AP]
• People loaded up on worthless consumer goods in February, despite the blizzards. [BusinessWeek]

Huff, and puff! Thine KangarooLand Fish-Serpent, the estimable Lord Mur-Doch, hath Captur’d thine regal majesty Peggington Noonington’s banking pamphlet wordsmithery behindeth a pecuniary Magneto-Sphere. Who shallst telegramme the serf-town Locksmithe? Or perhapseth these Maginot Lines art Porous-ingtonshire… [WSJ]

This Obama. He won a $1.4 million cash bonus with his comical Nobel Peace Prize, and instead of buying all sorts of cool Blu-Rays and CDs and porno — which would be unconstitutional, but who cares about that old fishwrapper anymore? — he gives it to “the needy.” Probably just more union thugs and the Daley family and other evil Chicago things. (The “White Socks.”) MORE »

• REPUBLICANS DELIVER BONER TO JOHN MCCAIN: “House Republicans approved a conference-wide moratorium on earmarks on Thursday, one day after a House committee enacted a ban on for-profit earmarks. The Republicans’ moratorium is more extensive than the House Appropriations Committee’s ban in that it applies to all earmarks for all members of the caucus.” Oh COME ON, Democrats, with your watered-down PR stunts! You just got easily one-upped by the comical House Republicans on something so basic and cable-friendly as banning stupid fucking earmarks for one year. Maybe consider taking one of those easy, clean-cut symbolic victories at some point? OH BUT BUT BUT WE WILL ONLY BAN FOW-PWOFIT ONES, WE’WE THE DEMOCWATS, WAH WAH, NUANCE, WAH, Jesus Christ.

Check out the trend, losers! The Blacks are slowly gaining on the Indians, and blood will run through the streets of Real America soon… SOON! But what could account for this sudden swing in favor of the health care reform plan, which, as Republicans had assured us, had been memorized, analyzed, cross-checked, and graded a Terrible Socialism Failure by 99% of American adults? MORE »

Hooray, basically all news is now just an experiment by some bored professor or newspaper intern to show that you, the person who reads shit on the Internet all day, will happily repeat and re-blog and re-tweet any fucking thing you hear or see, about anything, instantly, because that’s all people do in 2010. And that means your favorite president of France right now, Nicholas Sarkozy, and Wonkette’s favorite French singer right now (except for maybe Charlotte Gainsbourg), Carla Bruni, are still married and not known to be actually screwing around on each other yet. MORE »

Why, oh why, would you go to a bar just to drink and talk when there are so many other ways to have fun at drinking establishments? People in DC are moderately interesting, but once you get passed the formalities (Where do you work? How many men do you bunk with? Do you let people shower with you?), conversation tends to get stale. But anything reminiscent of a Chuck E. Cheese activity is super fun and will keep you entertained well past any bedroom revelations. MORE »

WINGNUTS FURIOUS OVER… WELL, ANY MUSLIM: “RICHMOND — Hundreds of people are urging legislators to boycott the House of Delegates’ floor session on Thursday, when a Falls Church imam whom they accuse of condoning violence and defending terrorism is set to deliver the opening prayer.” It’s funny, because this particular imam has been one of the most visibly outspoken American imams against terrorism and Al Qaeda and what not. Doesn’t matter though, STILL A DIRTY MUSLIN. Did anyone in Richmond take terrible photos of today’s wingnut protest of Osama’s best friend? TIPS@WONKETTE.COM. [Washington Post]

It is impossible to remember this now, but a couple of years ago DC was full of douche Republican youngsters with popped collars and confederate-flag bras who congregated at a Georgetown bar to tell jokes about coloreds. And, for many years, the biggest aspiration of these dildos/dildettes was to have a teevee Reality Show about their lives, which consisted of spending their parents’ money, getting abortions, “up skirt finger banging,” and either a) finding a six-figure job as a lobbyist for baby poison or napalm, or b) marrying a guy who gets such a job, and moving to Vienna or Reston and never having to see public transportation or a negro or a cute hipster girl ever again. What ever happened to that reality show, anyways? MORE »

Did Barack Obama sext you today? Us too! If you deleted it already, this is what it says: Call the 202-559-4225 number and you will be connected to the Congressional Switchboard (Eric Massa masturbating) and tell them your district or where you live or whatever, and they will connect you, and you tell the staffer or intern that you support the Health Care and please just get this over with so we can think about something else, like a naked, farting Eric Massa sitting on your face, forever. (This is what fascism looks like, according to George “Andrew Sullivan” Orwell.)

A political party from Saskatchewan, the Canadian province just east of Mordor that’s known to nearby sprites and snow-furries as “hockey’s Arkansas,” recently planned a fundraising “pig roast” for which the guest of honor would be a fireman who nearly died on 9/11, in New York City. MORE »

TIGER WOODS ALSO BONING ARI FLEISCHER: America’s Productive Economy: “Two sources in the golf community have told The Post that Ari Fleischer, the former presidential advisor to George W. Bush and the man who was brought in to help repair the steroid-shattered image of Mark McGwire, has been huddling with Woods, plotting a strategy for his return to golf — at the Arnold Palmer Invitational starting March 25 at Bay Hill in Orlando.” What strategy? Doesn’t he just sign up and play golf? There’s no need for firecrackers and kick-the-can on an aircraft carrier. (Maybe.) [NY Post]