Wonkette

Without the turkey-slaughter stylings of Miss Wasilla, how could any of us really enjoy Thanksgiving? Here’s the dropout governor of Alaska before she ditched her job for Hollywood. Look how she doesn’t want to touch that filthy animal! Once you’ve gone Neiman Marcus, you can’t go back. So many more beloved holiday traditional videos await you, the thankful American. MORE »

• Happy Thanksgiving? Not for the Indians, who are anti-celebrating the Mumbai terrorist attacks of one year ago. [BBC]
• Most people try to sneak out of White House state dinners, but these two weirdos snuck in. [Reliable Source/NYT]
• The U.S. economy should recover in, oh, maybe five years? Maybe more? Who cares, because by then we’ll all have been eaten by those cannibals from The Road. [Associated Press]
• Oh yeah and we are all DOOMED because the U.S. dollar plunged in value (again) while you were sleeping, and now it’s worth about half a bite of spit-out California Roll. [Bloomberg]
• Let’s all hope the Space Shuttle lands safely tomorrow morning, because Jesus Christ, how much more can anybody really take? [Gannett]
• If you didn’t go anywhere for Thanksgiving, it’s either because a) you’re broke, like everybody else, or b) you just hate your awful family. [MSNBC]
• Important informational website WikiLeaks published half-a-million text messages from September 11, 2001. From the banal to the heartbreaking, the whole massive bummer information trove is enough to make you skip dinner today and just go sit in the yard, crying. [Guardian/WikiLeaks]
• But, still, happy thanksgiving! Really! MORE »

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In the days before YouTube, our computers were pretty safe from stuff like this. But, as slaves to audio-visual technology, we must now be exposed to moments best captured by a single photograph — as in turkey pardons of past presidencies — and then quickly forgotten. Here, President Obama again shows his cruel elitism, as he “jokes” about wishing he was doing something other than “pardoning a turkey and sending it to Disneyland.” Maureen Dowd is going to lose her shit. But what about the YouTube commenters? MORE »

SOUNDS LIKE A WONKETTE STAFF MEETING: “The fierce Latina who grew up in a trailer park, the annoying little brother who will hook up with anyone, the inner-city orphan with enough machismo to own this city, the country girl who lived in a barn, the high school sweetheart who discovered he was bisexual, the rebel from a Christian cult and the wannabe rocker ….” But, ha ha, we don’t even have staff meetings. Meet the idiots from MTV’s Real World in DC. [Examiner]

Fear not, patient wingnuts! SARAH PALIN knows what it feels like to wait and wait and wait and wait for a celebrity JOHN HANCOCK. She knows what it’s like to practically die from hypothermia and disappointment. Yes, she has suffered just as you have: During the carefree ’90s — pre-9/11 Alaska, when Alaskans still felt safe — Sarah Palin stood in the freezing Anchorage cold for seven hours in hopes of procuring an autographed bottle of IVANA TRUMP PERFUME. And that was the fateful day Sarah realized not even Ivana’s magical flower-scented elixirs could mask the putrid odor of moose semen …. MORE »

In a few Thanksgivings, everyone will be eating First Gentleman Todd Palin’s killer “Baked Alaska” pot brownies for dessert. This is the plot of the movie 2012. MORE »

No first lady could even fucking imagine making something as wonderful and perfect as your editor’s famous Wonkette’s Actual Awesome Real Cranberry Business. It is one of those things that just blows people away, because they assume it must be so hard to make real cranberry relish because why else would we eat that Jell-o’d aspic glob from the can? IT MUST BE SO HARD. No, it isn’t, so stop whining about everything, for once. MORE »

Here is one for the “chocoholics,” starring Betty Ford! It’s a Chocolate Icebox Dessert, and while it SOUNDS racist, that is just because of all the liquor. MORE »

Thursday, November 26:We approve of all post-Thanksgiving-dinner-with-Mom-and-Dad drinking needs. The Washington Post has a lineup of where you can find the bars open on Thanksgiving night.  MORE »

Whatever the hell “monkey bread” might be — something racist, we assume — it was the thing pill-popping anorexic Nancy Reagan was known to “cook,” at Thanksgiving or whatever. For America, and for Ronnie! Delight the people at the Holiday Table with this splendid treat. MORE »

Here is your bit of “DC gossip” for the day: a Jell-o dessert recipe, for the holiday of Thanksgiving! It is Mamie Eisenhower’s famed Red Scare Thanksgiving Jell-o Dessert and it is best served chilled, to family members you hate. (There is Mamie right there with “friend” Lenora Hickock, feeding each other Jell-O and giggling knowingly.) This vile thing is exactly what the Eisenhowers used to force-feed the Soviets, and it is delicious. MORE »