Whoa hey, look at those numbers in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado for Mittens. Two out of three isn’t so bad. And the sheer numbers of votes — tens and hundreds of thousands! What a world. The only problem is that those are his numbers from the 2008 primary cycle, when he still ended up losing the nomination to crabby old rust tit Juan McCain. He performed infinitely worse last night in his hilarious losses in all three states to Rick Santorum, a whiny George W. Bush conservative who has been dead for five years. READ MORE »
People who are not Sarah Palin and/or “Snooki” may not understand the importance the Indoor Tanning Industry plays in making people look like wrinkled, rotten oranges with melanoma, but weeping boozebag would just be a bright red nose on a bloated clown face if not for the magic of the tanning beds down at the strip mall next to the “Cheap Smokes” shop. That’s why he’s happy to take the Indoor Tanning Industry’s big money to make sure burnt orange trailer trash Americans retain their White American rights to turn into cancer-ridden Medicare charity cases. READ MORE »
Uhh, wasn’t this supposed to be wrapped up by now? No. Not when all your candidates are so terrible. Rick Santorum is back in the race, in other words. He won Missouri! That’s … let’s see, 55% for Santorum, which is DOUBLE Mitt Romney’s second place finish. Meanwhile, in the “near the Mormons” state of Colorado, Mittens is making an impressive showing of … third. Newt Gingrich should have this nomination wrapped up pretty soon now, whenever “Texas” happens, right? Mitt Romney is the world’s lamest front runner since, we guess, Walter Mondale? And now Santorum has officially won Minnesota, too. Will it be a THREEPEAT, or whatever? UPDATE: Oh boy, it’s a threepeat. After his triple-penetration three-way, Santorum said “that conservatives are beginning to get it that we present the best opportunity to beat President Obama.” We sure hope so! READ MORE »
Here’s Rick Santorum’s Twitter reaction to today’s developments regarding the homosexuals of California. Did he read the news? Rights were restored! Good heavens sweet Jesus man. But maybe we’re wrong. Let’s see what the responses to this were like, on Twitter. READ MORE »
Have you ever wished that Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert would stop and take some time to explain what makes caribou want to hump? Sure you have. Here you go: “So when they want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the [oil] pipeline,” he says, and you can imagine the rest. HINT in case you can’t: it involves “warm oil” and “flowing.” In conclusion, America needs to build thousands more oil pipelines in Alaska, to make caribou horny. READ MORE »
The DC-area Occupy people, having been kicked out of their park this weekend, have a fun new thing in the works: Occupying CPAC. It’s just around the corner, so why not? According to the Occupiers’ website, they will “march to the Marriott” to “create as much non-violent resistance as possible, and make this a conference the attendees will never forget.” So they want pictures with Sarah Palin, got it. But what if this non-violent resistance descends into a bit of the ol’ Ultraviolence? That’s what’s going to happen, according to a hysterical pants-wetting Heritage Foundation blog post. READ MORE »
The despised liberal 9th Circuit federal appeals court, which Newt Gingrich has pledged to pipe-bomb on his first day as president, ruled today that California’s Proposition 8, a law in which a bunch of out-of-state Mormons took away marriages from same-sex married couples, is unconstitutional. This upheld the original ruling by district court Judge Vaughn Walker. Now it’s almost certain that the fate of gay marriage in the United States will go to the Supreme Court and be determined by Anthony Kennedy, after he determines the fate of health care in the United States. READ MORE »
One unfortunate Mitt Romney supporter in Florida seems to have discovered a novel way of getting kicked out of a campaign event: Alan Reynolds showed up to a Mittens rally with a sign bearing the (mysterious?) collection of words, “Tea Party Includes Cuban Coffee Romney.” NOT COOL, said Romney campaign staff. Because Mitt Romney does not drink coffee. It is against his magick moon religion. Therefore this hilarious nonsense phrase must be kept away from Mitt AT ALL COSTS and Reynolds was told to leave. No, we don’t understand it, either! Does Mitt Romney melt away like the Wicked Witch if he so much as reads one of the special Mormon naughty words? READ MORE »
Rick Santorum is going to ruin America tonight! No but listen: The nominating contests in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota tonight are non-binding, inconsequential in general because Mitt Romney will still win the nomination, and… dumb… we don’t know… but will possibly have the effect of crowning Rick Santorum as the main alternative to Mittens, which means we’ll have fewer Newt Gingrich items to write from now on. This is the long-awaited End of Fun. Why is Rick Santorum going to ruin American and End Fun tonight? Didn’t he die in 2007 or something anyway? READ MORE »
A week after 100-percent prime Republican Karen Handel and her completely non-ideological money thing that “best” “serves” women decided to cut its funding to Planned Parenthood because it was “under investigation” by crazies, and then undecided to once more, Handel announced her resignation Tuesday as senior vice president of public affairs in a terribly rude missive of the kind that suggests this zygote-loving failed politician did not want to go gently into obscurity/a night of passion with Meg Whitman. “I am deeply disappointed by the gross mischaracterizations of the strategy, its rationale, and my involvement in it,” Handel said, spoken like a true loser politician. READ MORE »
Republican Florida state Sen. Ronda Storms has seen enough of these poor assholes in her grocery line buying candy and salty potato chips and chemical cancer juices with their food stamps. They’re everywhere, these poor people! You may have seen one yourself, hmm? It’s time to kill them all. Or at least to stick it to ‘em by restricting their food stamp purchasing ability. In the bill she’s moving through the state legislature, the poors would only be able to eat rocks, plastic, grass and poop, until they grow up and learn to stop being so goddamn poor. READ MORE »
Silence, peons! A Job Creator is Speaking! This particular Employer is Tom Stemberg (just
“Boss” to you) and he is alleged to have Created Jobs as a co-founder of Staples, a successful dispensary for overpriced printer ink. Stemberg, a Titan of Industry, is out and about, and raising some very interesting questions. (Let’s just get the question that immediately comes to mind out of the way: OOOH, DO YOU THINK HE KNEW MITT AT STAPLES?!) Now: will Obamacare, as Stemberg asserts, allow ladies/wet nurses in Private Employ to breastfeed in peace, and thereby permanently cripple job creation across America, forever? READ MORE »
Michigan senatorial candidate Rep. Pete Hoekstra — pronounced “HOOKER,” in his terrorist Dutch inflection — went on the teevee yesterday to defend his comically racist ad about the evil lady in China or Vietnam (who cares) who, thanks to Sen. Debbie Stabenow, has stolen all of America’s jobs in Vietnamese or Chinese rice paddies. “There’s nothing in here that has a racial tint at all,” derpeth the clown. Hmm… so then why was the evil Asian lady’s image titled “yellowgirl” as it actually was on the hilarious companion racist website DebbieSpendItNow.com? READ MORE »
What can America ever do to make it up to Michele Bachmann? She gave up the ghost on her presidential aspirations (THIS TIME) after voters in Iowa ditched her for a robot, a frog, a sweater vest, and a belt with an onion tied to it. Wouldn’t you take this insult to your grave? Bachmann certainly intends to, sure as you’re born, since by her own admission, “America had their chance with the perfect candidate,” i.e., Michele Bachmann. READ MORE »
The number one reason nobody likes pedantic swamp bubble Newt Gingrich is because of all the horrible things they are reading about him on his Wikipedia page, obviously. Why else would Newt campaign spokesman Joe DeSantis spend so much time glued to his computer belaboring minor edits to Newt and Callista’s Wikipedia entries that even CNN finally bothered to notice and make fun of it? READ MORE »
