Wonkette

Tuesday, March 16: Our President and savior Barack Obama may actually be an incarnation of the long dead and often celebrated Jesus of Christian mythology, but the Brookings Institution is nonetheless convinced that religion was left out of the 2008 election. They ask if God will make a comeback in the 2010 elections and, if so, how many Democrats he will strike down before they remember that religion and 9/11 are for conservative use only. [Brookings Institution] MORE »

Wingnut dimwit Clarence Thomas is the far right’s most reliable stooge on the Supreme Court, but what about his wife nobody has ever heard about? She is Virginia “Ginni” Thomas, and she also has important opinions based on the the rantings of AM talk radio windbags! And now she has launched her own Teabagger Organization to fight for Real American Values such as impeaching that African sonofabitch in the White House. MORE »

Does the RNC think this is funny, endorsing the enemy’s language during America’s War on Israel? [GOP.com]

Are we still writing about Gross-ass John Edwards and his she-witch Rielle Hunter and their sexy pregnant sex tape and the GQ interview and sad/insane cancer lady Elizabeth Edwards and all that? Maybe! Just for today, anyway. HERE YOU GO: “On the video, both participants are naked. Hunter is propped up against the hotel bed headboard, with John Edwards belly-down on the bed between her legs. As Hunter, the campaign’s official videographer, holds the camera, a smiling Edwards performs oral sex.” [Gawker]

DID SOME BAD ECONOMIC THING HAPPEN?? “LONDON — The United States and Britain are more likely than Germany and France to witness an embarrassing downgrade of their top debt rating, agency Moody’s Investors Service said Monday.” Moody’s should stop being a dick and let us keep our AAA, is the thing. They spent years awarding AAA’s to every pool of rat-poop tent-colony junk mortgages that banks would throw their way… so yeah, by those standards, America probably does deserve like a C. Nevermind. [AP]

Once upon a time, America gave one of its top fifty states (Minnesota) to a teevee wrestler named Jesse Ventura. Many decades later, a simple New Jersey man met Barack Obama and suddenly started seeing famous people everywhere. And that’s why we are posting this picture of the animated corpse of Jesse Ventura, haunting the 25%-Off sale aisle at the discount toy shop, the end. [Celebrity Magnet]

While Morgan Griffith is now merely majority leader of the Virginia House of Delegates, one day he shall become the Republican White Obama, of Ancient Prophecy. Because why the fuck not, right? This is some Real American cred here: “Griffith also has an odd fondness for dressing up like one of his heroes, Revolutionary War Gen. Andrew Lewis. That’s a little strange, but there’s something about him I’ve always found even stranger: Griffith was married five years ago in Salem’s East Hill Cemetery, next to the dead general’s grave.” Actually, not Real American enough, nevermind, GTFO — Confederate generals would be more American. [Roanoke Times]

Arlen Specter is such a loser he would do anything to win, such as RADICALLY shifting his positions from those of a liberal Republican to a conservative Democrat! Just so that he could stay a senator, which offers zero perks except the secret underground supertrain! For a while it looked like he was going to get slaughtered at the polls by perennial enemy Pat Toomey, but now maybe not so much, because of Polling Science. MORE »

Are you one of the fistful of Americans who cares what Rielle Hunter does with her life since she bravely bore the child of the android King of Vulgarian Monticello, Mr. Johnny Edwards? Well, read on! Rielle Hunter has completed an interview with GQ and posed for a pantsless photo, just as Susan B. Anthony intended. MORE »

• A new standard for protest has been set in Thailand, and now Tea Partiers look like a bunch of nancies for not throwing (human?) blood at the buildings of their rivals. [CNN]
• Relations between the US and Israel have reached “a crisis of historic proportions” since Bibi Netanyahu crapped in Joe Biden’s lunch box. [Reuters]
• How much will it cost to save our American communities from frightening Sewer Monsters? Untold bazillions. [New York Times]
• The next time you go to the emergency room, keep a close eye on your vital organs because soon they may have a way of “walking off.” [Washington Post]
• Too lazy to read the DemonCraps’ 14-million page healthcare overhaul document? Read this tasty summary by the liberal Associated Press. [AP]
• Are you not reading this thing because you are not at work, due to a delayed commute on account of horrible wind storms? Join many of your fellow residents of the Northeast, who are sick of the weather. [ABC News]

Look at these ten losers — just absolute losers, these people, the Tea Party celebrities — with their cartoon video about going to Harry Reid’s empty bumfuck hometown to make catcalls about his critically injured family or whatever, and maybe have a few brews. And when stunts like this manage to knock the tepid, center-right, pro-life elderly Mormon majority leader out of office, we’ll be thanking these losers for saving us from Socialism and Communism. [YouTube]

FEED ME: Today is Wonkette editor Jim Newell’s birthday, so give him some money, thank you.

• A reporter for hot gossip emporium Yeas & Nays was “publicly berated” for asking Sean Penn why he wished a bout of rectal cancer upon her posterior. [Washington Examiner]
• The ACLU is suing a Mississippi high school that canceled its prom as a precautionary measure intended to discourage lesbian girls from attending its prom. The high school will inevitably argue that this is a perfectly legal thing to do, according to the Patriot Act. [Think Progress]
• Did you know that a frightful voice recording occasionally reminds Metro passengers not to smoke, even though everybody already knows smoking on the Metro is against the rules? Did you also know that George Orwell warned of such things in his best-selling book Liberal Fascism? [Weekly Standard]
• The Democrats are a bunch of lousy, bloodsucking zombie autObamatons (and that is why Eric Massa resigned, he prefers sucking other things.) Zing! [RedState]
• Never-ending and probably pointless health care reform negotiations will force the Obama family to reschedule their Islamic pilgrimage-spring break in Guam. [Daily Intel]