Wonkette

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT: We are the Treasury Department. We deal with government funds. There are not many government funds. One of our divisions is the Bureau of the Public Debt. There is much public debt. Employees in the Bureau of the Public Debt analyze statistics about the public debt. They read and write forms about the public debt. They are losing productivity. There is just so much debt. They do not enjoy their lives. We seek (Solicitation Number: RFI-BPD-09-0028) to contract a professional clown to provide Humor In The Workplace seminars to Bureau of the Public Debt employees. The clown will draw comical cartoons to teach the employees about the benefits of humor. MORE »

The bounty hunters at CNN have located the plantation from which Michelle Obama escaped, and returned her. Pulitzer for Public Service much? [CNN via Wonkette bounty hunter "Patrick"]

Merciful heavens, Meghan McCain has contracted the Consumption! And what folk remedy has her personal Obamacare physician prescribed? Leech therapy? A cardiac needle full of Demerol? Maybe a soothing oatmeal bath? Nein! She was maliciously instructed to devour pint after pint of disgusting Airborne juice. But it’s a good thing she got a second opinion from Dr. Twitter, because it turns out that Airborne stuff is just another hyped commodity Goldman Sachs tricked America into buying. Get well soon, Meghan! [Twitter]

Hmm, it seems like Lindsey Graham is pretty gay for Sonia Sotomayor, but he just doesn’t know how to say it! So strange, this questioning of Bush’s own failed Affirmative Action hire, Linda Chavez. She tries to run with the standard argument that okay, maybe SOMETIMES the Republicans may look at race as a factor in appointments, like with Alberto Gonzales or… Linda Chavez… but IT IS THE DEMOCRATS WHO PICK SOLELY ON RACE while ignoring such glaring red flags as stupidity and casual Nazism. But then Lindsey lays it all out and just says, okay, shut up time for Linda Chavez, we are all affirmative action whores with these appointments, enough with this. Thanks a lot, “Grahamnesty.” [YouTube, Washington Independent]

Everyone has been wondering when Al Franken, the comedian who therefore is not smart but gets to be a Senator anyway, would stop pretending to care about “political issues” already — his 20-year campaign is over! — and just go nuts shouting insane Playboy rape jokes, constantly, in Judiciary Committee meetings. And at yesterday’s Sotomayor hearing he did, technically, tell his First Joke in the Senate, a snoozy little ice-breaker for the nation’s grandmothers about how teevee lawyer Perry Mason was hardly the best lawyer of his time, oh ho ho. Then he asked some serious questions… but it was too late! The world’s “most important governing body” is NO PLACE FOR VERBAL HUMOR, some nut writes in The Hill. MORE »

Ouch times a billion! The heroic Congressional Budget Office has gone through the sexy new health care bills from the House and Senate and, because he is racist against Obama, has determined that neither comes close to doing what they need to do: Bending The Cost Curve down, in the long run, to save the federal government from debt default and apocalypse, in the medium run. This is potentially terrible news for Democrats, many of whom were already scared as the dickens of voting for party-line $1 trillion overhaul that they won’t bother justifying to their constituents. So: will the leadership pussy out and just give poor people a few bucks to buy some Advil, or will they get tough and make it work? MORE »

Well, for all their tuff talk on this racist Puerto Rican separatist who wasn’t even very smart, the Republicans have just rolled over and shown the tyrannical Sonia Sotomayor their little white bellies. After spending two months complaining about nothing but the occasions when she said the two most forbidden words in the English language — “wise Latina” — they have basically admitted that they won’t filibuster her nomination. MORE »

• Just more proof that the Associated Press is controlled by Erik Erickson and the Pharmaceutical Knights Templar. [Matt Yglesias]
• When will you whiny liberals thank S&M black belt John Yoo for correcting FISA’s many typos and run-on sentences? And why aren’t you more appreciative of all the fabulous features he added in the process, like the provision for warrantless NSA succubus home invasions? [Think Progress]
• CONFIRMED RUMOR: RedState’s mission is “activism” — or to be more specific — actively capturing Karl Rove’s queefs in zip lock bags, so they can be treasured and passed on as heirlooms to the next generation of crazies. [RedState]
• Claudia Deutsch is bursting with jellybean joy because HURRAY for Goldman Sachs and all the billions of dollars they made while pounding the entire world in the anus! But WAIT. Matt Taibbi and his Merry Pranksters have arrived at the scene, with “facts” and “logic” — they were not invited! [True/Slant BLOG WAR]
• If health care is reformed, blue dog Democrat Mike Ross will handcuff himself to Nancy Pelosi and make fart noises with his armpits until America stops being so socialist. [AMERICAblog]

A poor gal named Marianne Stringer, from Florida, lost her husband to Agent Orange-related cancer he picked up in Vietnam, THANK YOU ROBERT MCNAMARA, and has since written hundreds of congressmen about increasing benefits for military families, because come on. One such letter went to the office of Texas Rep. Mac Thornberry, a member of the Armed Services Committee, and said, “Please, help us to understand your reluctance in supporting [her effort]… If you do not understand the clear intent of this bill, we will be happy to furnish you with any information you may be seeking.” Unfortunately for everyone, the Thornberry aide who responded to Stringer happened to be an Evil Dick from Hell. MORE »

And this is why gay marriage will never work: “Silo and Roy, two male chinstrap penguins native to the South Atlantic, made [New York] headlines six years ago when they came out with their same-sex relationship. … That all ended when Scrappy, a single female newly arrived from SeaWorld in San Diego, caught Silo’s eye. … On Thursday, Roy, all alone, sat disconsolately at the edge of the penguin area, staring at the wall.” Jesus Christ that is about the saddest story ever written. [Fox News]

Well crap. Somehow it’s almost the end of July. This is when you start thinking, “what the hell have I been doing with my summer?” DON’T LET YOUR SUMMER GO TO WASTE. Our political leaders have traveled, had affairs, and resigned; stars have died; Iran blew up; Honduras went all crazy. You deserve to have just as fulfilling and scandalous a summer as the rest of the world. MORE »