Wonkette

SUPER-IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS ALERT DING DING DING: John Boehner just pronounced “hyperbole” as “hyperbowl,” and everyone laughed, the end.

GOP Super-Star Rep. Mike Pence recently delivered the most comical speech of the day, for five minutes. It took him wayyyyy too long to post it on his own YouTube channel, but ta-da! He challenged the Blue Dogs to fight for freedom, and the troops, and also Ronald Reagan and liberty. No one has ever pretended to be so serious. Oh man. Gets better towards the end, too. [YouTube]

Now that the House is debating the Republican health care alternative, the sweeping “BonerCare” of ancient lore, it’s a good opportunity to share this amazing (and ominous — mostly ominous!) photograph from commenter “mollymcguire,” who actually lives in the Northern Marianas, as a sex slave who is currently getting railed by Tom DeLay or whatever in the back of this Jeep with the Truck Nutz. After BonerCare passes both the House and Senate 535-0 — as expected within the next few minutes — the streets of Saipan shall be rife with Truck Nutz.

Good lord. We have been watching this Historic House Health Care Bill Debate Of History all day(-ish), and the House is at least ten times more comical than the Senate. Exhibit 1: Here’s a lil’ baby that Rep. John Shadegg found, in a trash can outside the pages’ dorm. Maddie no likey the lib-libs, no she doesn’t! Maddie hatey hatey Pelosi fag-care, IDN’T DAT RIGHT MADDIE, yes it is. Maddie may have just escaped it herself, but does Maddie want free abortions for the other babies? NO SHE DUDN’T. Oy. Consider this an open thread. They will soon debate the *bullshit* Stupak/Catholic Bishops amendment to ensure that no non-aristocrats ever get abortions again, then they will fart all over the GOP alternative plan, then they may vote later tonight. We will provide updates in some form, as they come. [YouTube]

There is no reason, ever, to invite racist ex-Congressman failure Tom Tancredo onto any television show, or at least the political ones. So thank you Tom Tancredo for graciously acknowledging your unimportance and leaving the set mid-interview! MORE »

Knock-knock! Ezra Klein, are you there? So. There is sexual predator that rides the same bus as you. He knows your name. He likes you. In a sexual way. Next time you take the bus, look around you. Is there a strange man staring at you as he touches himself? THAT’S HIM! [DCist] MORE »

Now now, liberals, you can no longer smugly declare in political arguments, “the Republicans don’t even have a health care plan,” because they do! John Boehner released the GOP alternative plan a few days ago, and the CBO scored it, to much fanfare. It is but a modest (Very Responsible Centrist) plan to save America from the Muslims. One of its central tenets — and the health care thing you’ve been hearing Republicans blab on about most, after they’ve exhausted tort reform — is to allow consumers to purchase health care plans across state lines. Doesn’t that sound nice, for competition and pricing? But what if… what if many of the health insurers then set up shop in the “state” of the Northern Marianas, where there is not a single law against anything? MORE »

Saturday, November 7 through Sunday, November 29: Lost In Yonkers, a play about a very dysfunctional Jewish family, will make you 1) regret your decision to go home for Thanksgiving and 2) crave a delicious corned beef sandwich. [Theater J] MORE »

If you live in Wisconsin, then… sorry? What were we going to write about here… ah, yes: if you live in Wisconsin, then you should go see Sarah Palin speak tonight! She will be making an appearance in Milwaukee on behalf of Wisconsin Right to Life, presumably the anti-capital punishment outfit up there. Only caveat: you cannot bring anything to this event. Anything at all. After tonight, Sarah Palin would like there to be no proof that she was ever in Milwaukee. (And maybe she isn’t!) MORE »

Fox News’ in-house eugenicist Brian Kilmeade had a provocative suggestion this morning, on his network’s A.M. comedy show: “KILMEADE: Do you think it’s time for the military to have special debriefings of Muslim Army officers — anybody enlisted?…Because if I’m going to be deployed in a foxhole, if I’m going to be sticking in an outpost, I got to know the guy next to me is not going to want to kill me.” Got to know it, man, Brian’s just got to know it. MORE »

Hot date! Southern gentleman and rhetorician REP. JOE WILSON (R-SC) has been given the honor of escorting German Chancellor-Frau ANGELA MERKEL to the 20th annual Berlin Wall Ball. But will Joe be ready for the big night? Where will he find a corsage that compliments Angela’s captivating blue eyes? And can he trust the ILLEGAL ALIENS who work at the dry cleaners with his tailcoat? And does he remember how to waltz? Gossip mongers report that Joe has been practicing his footwork all week: 1-2-SCREAM, 1-2-SCREAM, 1-2-SCREAM. Very rhythmic, that Joe Wilson. He’s got those happy feet, moves with the music … MORE »