Wonkette

Comical old person John “WALNUTS!” McCain appeared on a popular late-night television show on Friday. He was so funny! His jokes are unstoppable. He pretended to fall asleep in Conan’s lap! So funny! Oh and jeez what’s in his mouth now??? Ahhhhhhggg! [Boston Globe/Top of the Ticket]

Maybe it’s true! After all, Osama bin Laden would’ve never known about New York’s big Jewish population had Jesse not called it “Hymietown.” EVERYBODY WILL BE ISSUED NEW NAMES AT THE CONVENTIONS. [Morning Joe/MSNBC] UPDATE: Oh what the hell, Newell posted this like twelve hours earlier. Oh well, no way to take the post down now ….

No timetables for leaving Iraq, declares our George W. Bush! The terrorists would dine out on a timetable! This is why we do not have a timetable for leaving Iraq, even though the Iraqi government wants one (although they have elections too and may be PANDERING to bums who will be killed upon withdrawal[!]). Today, however, “The United States and Iraq have agreed to set a ‘general time horizon’ for the ‘further reduction of U.S. combat forces in Iraq.’” Ooh, this is the ticket. It’s sort of like saying “nothing will change at all, and this crap should temporarily appease both of our stupid constituencies,” but with a different set and sequence of words. [NYT]

“No one would do such a cover of McCain, playing into the most damaging rumors, but imagine this: a jaunty young John, in his pilot uniform, sitting comfortably and chatting with his Vietnamese captors. Two gorgeous gals serve his every wish. He is smoking a cigar and drinking a martini. In the next room other POWs are being intensively interrogated. Ha ha, Republicans?” [Cover by Jeremy Glass, inspired by Blorts and Lew Rockwell ... wait, what?]

We have received another FIRST-HAND REPORT from an attendee of last night’s Congressional Baseball Game during which Congressman Chip Pickering’s metal bat hit some guy in the face and made him bleed everywhere. It is so FIRST-HAND, this report, that the source was the person who actually held a towel to the guy’s mauled head to stop the bleeding! According to this person, Chip Pickering was not trying to hurt this person when he hurt this person. Oh! MORE »

The ancient snow troll who coined the most tired Internet phrase in the universe and who wanted to build a bazillion-dollar bridge to his Arctic Palace for Alcoholic Vietnam Vets ‘N Herring may soon leave the Senate seat he has occupied since 1812. That’s right — Ted Stevens faces some sort of opponent in his latest re-election bid. And he’s losing to this Democrat nobody! MORE »

The “A” location on this space satellite Google Maps image is 2101 L Street NW, the ONLY Starbucks that will be closed in Washington D.C. out of 600-ish closed ones nationwide. This is problematic for two reasons: (1) there is nary another bean shop anywhere near this rich, young-professionalized and textbook yuppie part of Northwest D.C. and (2) this was the Starbucks for HOSPITAL and WOUND CARE patients, as you can see. People get shot all the time with legal guns in this city and now they will have no Starbucks coffee! [Washington Post]

We sent our Liz Glover and Jim Newell to the Reason happy hour/cocktail party that the Reason staff has every month to celebrate putting out their monthly issue. And then we waited for the funny report, and the fun video, but it never showed up, so we will just run this transcript that seems to cover what did or didn’t happen. It’s the “new journalism.” MORE »

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Yes Mark Halperin’s website, draw laughs he will! Tonight marks John McCain’s first appearance on the NBC comedy show Late Night With Conan O’Brien since 2005, back when he was still that funny old coot and failed presidential senator guy with black children. Now, of course, he poses the greatest possible threat to the survival of Earth and everyone hates him. But he’s still a wonderful comedian and we look forward to seeing him in his element tonight. What jokes about cunts, bestial rape, ugly young girls and killing innocent civilians will he debut tonight? MORE »