ELECTION DAY OF THE APOCALYPSE: “What hellish skeleton of the American Dream will remain when we finally drag ourselves to the polling place on November 4?” [Political Machine]
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Authors
Wonkette Jr. (623)
Kirsten Boyd Johnson (796)
Jim Newell (5417)
Kaia Mursi (43)
Garrett Quinn (13)
Liz Colville (94)
Ken Layne (6695)
Blair Burke (170)
Matt Langer (40)
Arielle Fleisher (385)
{ 86 comments }
Thanks, I think I’ll just go and find an imaginative to go and kill myself right now.
I can’t wait to break out my post-apocalyptic costume of feathers and leather.
The more I hear, the more obvious it is I’m gonna have to survive the next few years by becoming some rich dude’s literal and figurative butt-boy and expect to die before I reach 45. But at least I have a plan. And Ken’s home phone number.
Sounds like a good day to go get shitfaced.
[re=21966]jagorev[/re]: Mrawr!
Also, thank goodness I’m renting. I’ll wait to buy until I can buy a Brooklyn brownstone for about ~175k (yes, I realize this will only happen after a massive coordinated nuclear strike wipes out half of the US populace… but, hey, at least I can afford a house then!)
Why all the gloom and doom? By then there’ll be another season of American Idol.
[re=21971]phillyman[/re]:
So you’re just trying to get us to kill ourselves, yes?
“How could we have all died at the same time?”
“The salmon mousse.”
Over NINE THOUSAND foreclosures! (Could not resist)
And the rest of the world will be laughing and mocking you all the way there. Hee. Americans.
We irresponsibly bogarted the planet for decades and now it’s time to pay up. I think back to the faces I got when I warned people of the inevitable outcome of our greed. Do you think they listened? Everbody was too driven to be rich and famous to stop and listen to the voice of reason. I’ll bet they’re listening now.
What, precisely, is “the American Dream” in the first place?
I keep telling you people: There are only three things of true value:
(1) Guns and ammo.
(2) Gold.
(3) Antibotics.
Keep enough of those stocked up, and you can watch The End of Civilization As We Know It with complete aplomb.
I forgot to add:
Since Jesus is coming back next Tuesday, who cares?
McCain/Malthus 08′!
[re=21977]Neilist[/re]: typewriters and bicycles will also have value.
Ken, Ken, Ken. You’re so worried. Look, we’re doing the best possible thing for those heating bills: with a bit of luck, global warming will keep us from needing heat! And if that doesn’t work, well, maybe the entire Midwest will have washed down to the Gulf of Mexico by the first frost anyway.
[re=21980]travellabyrinth[/re]: Warehouse toilet paper and you will be a king!
Foreclosures?
Oooh! Oooh! Am I too late to be the first to blame The Joos? Must be their fault…. somehow. No? Time for a new scapegoat? Shit…
Um. How about this? For the past seven years or more, y’all have been fuckin’ asleep at the switch and now the chickens are, for real, coming home to roost. Too provocative?
OK. I give up. Pass the beer and let’s get back to the futt-bucking. Of course, now that you’re all homeless, you’ll have to d-do it in the road. And given the cost of AstroGlide, well… it might not be quite so pleasurable any more.
I live an hour’s drive from the border. Why is the same thing not happening here? Explain that, if you would be so kind.
[re=21973]Servo[/re]: My thinking exactly
I think every American should have at least one friend who is a rancher or farmer so that when the american economy implodes (which it will because it is a service economy that doesn’t produce anything of value) we can all go back to living on a farm.
[re=21986]Canuckledragger[/re]: It’s either the short sighted reduction of capital to it’s immediate exchange value or because we are fatty bo batties.
[re=21975]Servo[/re]: Bwahahahaha they said I was MAD … *MAD* I Tell you!!! THey laughed at me!!!! but now, look atthem, come crawing for my NEXT prediction bwahahahahaha!
[re=21977]Neilist[/re]: You forgot “gay porn.”
Chicken Little wants his schtick back.
Oh, smug little Canadians…
*sigh*
Is this another of those “the end of irony” moments? If so please tell me so I can hook up my bourbon drip a little earlier than usual.
[re=21986]@ Canuckledragger[/re]: Hang on a second.
A lot of people outside of the USA have been pretty dismayed at the conduct of the US government towards its people in the last 8 years.
This is because, as the saying goes, everyone knows someone in America. People we know, friends, family struggling just to get a decent job, pension, education, health care, veteran respect, family support – whatever people need to get by.
We all know that the Bush Administration neglected the actual residents of the USA. Emphasizing the
superpower status rather than building what should be the greatest nation-state.
You mock the US voters for that? Did you MOCK the sincere well-meaning American voters? Don’t you KNOW that you get shitty governments, wherever you live?
* Keith Olbermann-type rant goes here*
Screw you guys. The wife just made sixty bucks by selling some old Broadway CD’s on craigslist. We’re drivin’ to Skokie for dinner with all the fixin’s and then drivin’ back!
High livin’ in this household.
[re=21999]nyhfrog[/re]: Yeah, she’s selling “Broadway CD’s”, you keep believing that.
PS: Get tested.
This is whiney bullshit. Wah wah wah…Gas went up and now I can’t afford a second 52″ Gas Plasmatron TV and a new Lincoln Sperminator SUV. Wah wah wah…I lied about my income, bit into more than I could chew, lost my home, now I gotta rent. Wah wah wah…The media keeps telling me I can have and deserve whatever I want, but my home equity and 401k are maxed. Wah wah wah…Bush fucked me. Hey, you whiney fucks: You got twice what your parents had, Uncle Sam isn’t your mommy, and you don’t deserve everything you want. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back to work.
[re=21994]KTHXBAI[/re]: He may have forgotten gay porn, but Mike Piazza didn’t…
Things that boomed in the 20th c. Great Depression:
bootleg
Bibles
Elmer Gantry
chocolate
snake oil
Things that will boom in the 21th c. Great Depression:
guns, ammo
“Marry a Canadian” matchmaking services
books about ameros, North American Union, Ron Paul (you can find them in the science fiction section)
prescription drugs
“How to Become Canadian for Dummies”
Infomercials on “How to stay obese while you are starving”
[re=22003]Darehead[/re]:
also
the recipe book “101 creative ways with rats”
home made internet
A co-worker used to talk about heading into the deep woods somewhere in northern Minnesota or Michigan with a couple of firearms and a supply of bullets. Lately he has changed his plan is now learning to make arrows so that he will have an unlimited supply of deadly projectiles to kill animals for food and human beings who (he assumes) will come after him.
He sounds just a little less crazy than a few years ago.
I voted for “What’s on the teevee tonight? Hooray, NASCAR!” but really, I meant to vote for “Hey that’s a Merle Haggard song.”
The war on everything spinning out of control is the new war on terror.
Obviously the Administration will patch everything up just in time for November, so McCain will ride into office on a wave of optimism and cries for four more years. This is why he’s actually been trying to get closer to Bush lately. He knows what’s up.
Ha ha, that commenter called you Michelle Obama. You so sassy, Layne.
Anywhoo, who would’ve thought that 30 years of short-term goals where public resources are privatized and costs are externalized could possibly result in a clusterfuck? Who knows, maybe Marx was right; capitalism will eat itself and we’ll all have a lower standard of living but a lot more free time. Throw in some techno-utopian green cities and it’s doesn’t sound bad. Or a terrorist gets a hold of rogue nuke, society falls apart, and 95% of everyone joins eschatological cults.
Either way, I will have my gay porn.
Just back from heaven. SO NOW OBSERVATIONS OF HELL:
There was a time when the pig-fuckers, who were always winning (these scabs of men) but never appearing to make the rest of us stupid bastards believe it was really so. These were the days of true American grit. When a man could watch his television, sponsored entirely by a cancerous wax, salves laced with arsenic, cancerous cookies (TM), and DDT for the garden, while driving there lead-powered steamer to the grocery store for a 30 pound tomato and a big box of DEA shampoo, without ever blinking an eye. This was the American Dream- prosperity for the masses, health through the unhealthy, blissful goddamn ignorance. THEN, there were the hippies. Revolter’s for the weird, the most honest form of dishonest and the yin to the 200 year-old yang (LOSERS). I say losers because of Nixon. Fucking Nixon. HOWEVER, the economy rose again. Interest rates were raised, inflation ensued, and Nixon was ousted for being the absolute colonel of death.
CARTER:
Carter wasn’t a dick, and he wasn’t an idiot either. He was an asshole. Everyone knows that dicks fuck assholes. This was true of congressional Republicans (they were the dicks). THE ECONOMY LOVES CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS. He was for a new economic platform that if our parents (or you fucking morons who were alive and didn’t vote for him) went, would have brought us into the rising, progressive, non-fucktard world market. This was to be a 4 year battle to the death, which ended in assfucking for Carter, forever. Bye bye Carter.
REAGAN: Fucking worst thing for the economy ever. He brings us back to the point of this conversation. WE DO NOT LIVE IN THE LAND OF ARSENIC SALVE anymore. Reaganfuckics or Depression era solutions will take no hold in this lost American century. This living goddamn hell filled with the swine that survived Y2K MADNESS and September 11 parties and the true revolutionaries who can’t get themselves out from the justice system will never come again. And for that, FUCK YOU ALL.
Reagan was the key because Reagan took what that fucking Nixon did, and made it public. It became clear that “trickle down economics,” aka “fuck me in the ass prison,” was an economic model where government and business could finally bring their affair out of the closet, and into the open. Now we bottom-feeders are stuck with an economic model that matches that of Mugabe’s, only developed.
And guess what- while you idiots are fighting for the last scrap of rat shit on some shut down NY subway holding your dicks in the air and screaming “WHO WANTS TO FUCK BEFORE WE DIE,” I’ll be in Dusy Basin. GODSPEED to the ensuing economic chaos.
Okay, my inner survivalist is surfacing. Time to buy the kayak, stockpile the fishing gear, build the arsenal, and start the FREEDOM garden. Oh yeah, must remember to stock up on Loose Lip Larry’s mustard BBQ sauce. (makes long pig taste like domestic pork)
when I clicked through to read this post, it had 666 views. What does that mean?
I wish I could tell how serious you guys are being.
But you’ve all been so fun. Come down under, you can camp on my lawn.
See the screenshot here…
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3037/2603060152_c8a7707644.jpg
[re=22011]ServiceJervixJuice[/re]: Sheesh! Am I the only one here with a fortified lead-lined bunker with 10-year time lock on the triple-thick steel doors? Which reminds me, I really need to stock up on more foie gras and white truffle MRE’s..
[re=22014]Sabre_Justice[/re]: [re=22015]monkeyboy[/re]:
Hey man, I was on vacation where I was 30 miles from any of YOU bastards so I hate this stupid civilization and will proper-fuck it. The economy is seriously fucked, in that Orwellian sort of way (a-political though). Bad bad bad.
However, better times will come when we revert back to the barter system and Paultard’s gold standard begins the process the Dutch Trading Company (is that what they were called?) process again. Truly. Fucking. Epic.
[re=22016]Tits_LaRue[/re]: Will you marry me?
[re=22015]monkeyboy[/re]: Beasty!
[re=22017]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Then, terminate with extreme prejudice. But just remember, this mission does not exist. Nor will it ever exist.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ody8I66B-p4
Wait, is this “apocalypse” happening before or after Obama raptures me up to heaven?
Well, I emigrated to China 10 years ago, and in between teaching sex ed and eating jian bing, I’ve been telling all the Americans I know “flee the wrath which is to come!” I might as well have been Cassandra.
What will happen next? Every faction will blame every other faction and slaughter it’s favorite scapegoats a la Bosnia, till the Reconstructionist Christians take over and introduce you to their version of the Puritan Republic. Read Cromwell bios to find out about THAT!
When the Avenging Angels are turning you into a eunuch for the Kingdom of God, remember, I told you so!
Zhu Bajie
[re=22016]Tits_LaRue[/re]: Suddenly, I’m thinking you’re going to require a swineherd to manage all the suitors that begin to show up outside those sugar wa…-er, blast doors. With the correct harnesses and proper impetus, I’m confident they could become worthwhile truffle hunters.
[re=21986]Canuckledragger[/re]: the same thing isnt happening in canada because canadians all leave it trailers and teepees and you can’t get a mortgage on either. i am tired of canadians claiming they are better than us. i’ve been to vancouver, toronto, and some other canadian cities and they are as boring as all hell. if i die and go to purgatory it will look like montreal and if i go to the inner circle of hell it will look like ottawa
[re=22017]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: i would gladly barter your witty repartee on wonkette in exchange for a bushel of grain or a six pack of toilet paper
[re=22025]American Dreamer[/re]: I would never trade with you. You would drink the toilet paper.
Well, reading this and just finding out about George Carlin’s death is too much sad shit for me to take in such a short period of time. Time to curl up into a ball now…
[re=22027]Tubs McGee[/re]: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25322638/
Death to the freak generation. This sucks.
ok – but..what’s wrong with American? Is all that stuff SO bad? can’t john mcinsane lead us into a glorious new future? or recreate the glorious old past? ahh fuck it, i need a few drinks, or something
by the way it’s really only midnight here, so.. i am NOT one of those crazies who lives in a basement and doesn’t have a life …oh never mind, but it is still ONLY midnight
[re=22035]heathenish[/re]: Good for you.
I’m looking at this list of woes, and I have to say: what about the fires out here in California? Worst ever, just about. What are we, chopped liver?
Very dangerous times, yes, and I trust Americans will do what we do best in moments of peril to our nation: point the finger, embrace crackpot religions and racial theories, and find someone to scapegoat.
Ya know, the comments are much more entertaining over at the other place…
Ken Layne,
A very intense article. I’ve had to double-up on Codeine, Diazepam and cough syrup to ensure a goodnight’s coma.
Sincerely and respectfully,
Mr-Clark
[re=21998]wheelie[/re]: People might not always get the government they deserve, but no matter who you vote for, you always get the government.
[re=21996]DemmeFatale[/re]: Missing. The. Point. If I wanted to just be smug, I’d share beers with the next door neighbour and smirk in your general direction. My country sucks in so many ways, I don’t know where to begin counting them. And yet… your current situation just makes us so thankful for what we do have. What are we doing right that you are not? Or is it smug just to ask the question, hoping the answer might offer some benefit? If so, I’m just gonna go share beers with my neighbour.
[re=22024]American Dreamer[/re]: You are completely wrong about Montreal. But you are completely correct about Ottawa. And we don’t have any teepees or trailers here. Just igloos. And they’re all fucking melting, thanks to you and your hummers. Oh, sorry, I meant Hummers.
Ken Layne, why do you hate AMERICA??? Our beautiful Nation lives in FREEDOM and Prosperity, all thanks to our President, GEORGE W. BUSH. We are saved every day by HEROES, who are winning the War on Terror. Maybe it’s because people like you hate FREEDOM, and want to be communist like Canada … you have to ask yourself, why do you hate AMERICA so much, does that come from listening to all the democrat partys Lies and Delusions.
Maybe if you remember that there are HEROES defending your FREEDOM to write your socialist dimocrat propaganda, youd realize that our Nation is strong, that we don’t listen to communist Lies, and that our President GEORGE W. BUSH has made our economy stronger than ever. I bet the communist chinese can’t buy all the stuff we can at WAL*MART. Maybe that’s why they like barak HUSSEIN obama so much, is that why you????
I’m proud to be AMERICAN, like our President GEORGE W. BUSH, and Jesus.
Holy macaroni…if you haven’t yet, you all must read the comments on Ken’s articles. The true decline of the American nation will not be caused by any of the events actually cited…no, it will be caused by the free flow of stupid on our internetz now that the election has mobilized middle ‘Mericuh.
I don’t get this apocalyptic Qrap. 60 odd years ago 60-million humans died during WWII. In 1918 20-million died in the Spanish flu epidemic. 40-million died during Mao’s reign. The Serbs, Pol Pot, Rawunda, yadda, yadda, yadda. Considering how efficient we have become at murdering our fellow humans — and how efficient we have become at poisoning our planet — what would give anyone the impression that we are now immune or undeserving of massive apocalyptic pain? Seems to me many of suffer from a bad case of entitlement, but the clock keeps ticking and history indicates that not only is the horrific possible, it is inevitable. It’s coming. Be ready.
Have a nice day!
You reap what you sow. As George Carlin said, “There’s no morality in business, just a ledger. ‘Keep it in the black, keep it in the black. Never mind your soul, never mind the landscape, never mind the other guy, keep it in the black.’”
Why, Ken Layne, why would you make me want to kill myself?
Goddamn it… with all the jobs disappearing and no one hiring, there’s really one thing a moderately attractive Asian woman ought to do: bukkake and DVDA.
[re=22067]Canuckledragger[/re]: Ohh… Canada sounds so sweet right now. Time to convince hot French-Canadian boyfriend to marry me and bring me over!
*sigh* Oh, please. Try living through the Great Depression, then tell me times are rough. Or, hey, Stalinist Russia. Or Mao’s Great Leap Forwards, the Khmer Rouge’s Cambodia. Comparatively, this is chickenshit.
[re=22104]Twinkle Twinkle Lil Star[/re]:
I here the job market is good in Olongapo. Christ, there’s a marina in Subic Bay now.:)
[re=22118]Servo[/re]: My father was stationed in Subic back when there was a base there…
And my mother’s family in Olongapo… well, they’re filthy stinkin’ rich. maybe it’s time to visit the motherland and be treated like a princess.
whoops, I forgot to add the closing /flamebait tag. Sorry. Please don’t ban me for impersonating half-wit jingoistic asshattery. I like it here. I’m actually smart, honest!
[re=22115]TGY[/re]: Really! We don’t even have double-digit unemployment or alternate gas-up days. God, did everyone forget the 70s?
[re=22115]TGY[/re]: My point, succinctly stated. ThankQ!
[re=22122]Twinkle Twinkle Lil Star[/re]:
Ah, the memories of Magsaysay. I was on the USS Midway in the late ’80s. If I had a sailboat, I’d probably be enroute to bask in the sun on Grande Island and watch the states crumble on TV in a bar.
Oh you mean the interrupted American wet dream? The unsatisfying ephemeral unfinished wet dream? The wet dream your mother massacres while she’s banging on your bedroom door because you just missed the bus? THAT American dream?
[re=22109]Twinkle Twinkle Lil Star[/re]: If you’ve got the mad bukkake skillz, you’ll have no trouble finding the Quebecois boyfriend of your dreams. We lumberjacks all appreciate a girl who can face things head on.
DVDA? If you can do that, you’ll be “dating” every Franco from coast to coast. And Anglo. And Italian. And…. shit, everyone.
did you guys watch “Ow My Balls” last night? it was hilarious.
[re=22162]Canuckledragger[/re]: Ah, yes, and I will wholeheartedly embrace my Canadian overlords!
USSR was much better prepared for its collapse than America is for its. The Communist Party, in a remarkable show of out-of-character foresight, had bestowed small land plots on a great number of its subjects, so that they may grow food on them. Which they did.
The US government should do likewise. Since the suburbs are going down into the toilet, and people are finally starting to move back into the cities, where there are buses, and where shit is closer to where you live and there’s no need to burn obscene amounts of fuel just to buy some groceries, why not convert the defunct suburbs into dachas and encourage people to grow some of their own food? It’ll do something for the obesity epidemic, too – gardening don’t come easy to the obese.
[re=22232]AxmxZ[/re]:
But in typical American fashion, why toil in the garden when you can PAY somebody to do it?
[re=22258]Servo[/re]: Because you can’t actually PAY anybody. Not even the people you’re supposed to pay.
[re=22258]Servo[/re]: [re=22232]AxmxZ[/re]:
“That is well said,” replied Candide, “but we must cultivate our garden.”
–Voltaire
[re=22289]Darehead[/re]: Voltaire knew his shit.
[re=22019]Darehead[/re]: lol… Slow down! First we’ll have to meet for drinks and then see if you can reassemble a dismantled AK-47 while drunk and blindfolded…
[re=22023]ServiceJervixJuice[/re]: My Uzi brings all the boys to the yard!
[re=22425]Tits_LaRue[/re]: FAL’ll drilla bigga ‘n tighta hole farer den dat AK Tits! My personal preference: DSA SA58 FAL PARA Elite Compact Rifle, .308 Cal…and they’ll paint that boomstick pink for you kiddo.
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