• February 13, 2012
CELEBRITY HEALTH WATCH

by Sara K. Smith

12:32 pm July 28, 2008

ROBERT NOVAK HAS A BRAIN TUMOR! Is this why he ran over that guy last week? Best wishes for a speedy recovery, Prince of Darkness. [Human Events]

{ 51 comments }

BillyClubb July 28, 2008 at 12:37 pm

Of course this invites the obvious response: “What, Novak has a brain?!”

Canuckledragger July 28, 2008 at 12:37 pm

Brain tumors are no laughing matter.

But in this case, WTF:

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Maybe there is a Yahweh after all.

Terry July 28, 2008 at 12:37 pm

I was sort of guessing that he’d claim to be an alcoholic, head off to Betty Ford for a long weekend, then emerge a “new man”.

I hope the tumor thing isn’t true. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

liquiddaddy July 28, 2008 at 12:39 pm

His neurologist leaked it to him, later stating in back-ground, “Bob’s brain is fair game!”

DemmeFatale July 28, 2008 at 12:40 pm

My eyes! My eyes!
Rush Week?! WTF!

Serolf Divad July 28, 2008 at 12:42 pm

Ted Kennedy’s brain tumor could beat up Robert Novak’s brain tumor.

Larry Fine July 28, 2008 at 12:42 pm

Did he catch this disease from Ted Kennedy?

JeffGoldblum July 28, 2008 at 12:44 pm

First Jesse Helms and now THIS? Why, o lord, why?

Buffy and Hildegard July 28, 2008 at 12:45 pm

Why was this news broken on what appears to be a website devoted to “human” events?

Fighting Bill July 28, 2008 at 12:46 pm

As excuses go for mowing down pedestrians, this is a pretty good one.

We’re going to have to brush up on our brain tumor humor to find the funny in this…..

AngryBlakGuy July 28, 2008 at 12:46 pm

…the power of prayer?

kudzu July 28, 2008 at 12:46 pm

I doubt he’ll make a comeback. At 77 a brain tumor is pretty much a death sentence. I hope he gets to enjoy the last months of his life with minimal pain and suffering.

DemmeFatale July 28, 2008 at 12:48 pm

[re=45331]Buffy and Hildegard[/re]: Ha Ha! Good one!

freakishlystrong July 28, 2008 at 12:49 pm

I wonder if the Plames will publish their get well message…

gurukalehuru July 28, 2008 at 12:51 pm

Jesse Helms, Tony Snow and now Bob Novak.
I am an evil, bad person, I know it, but this makes me happy. This, and the fact that Radovan Karodzic is in custody.

4tehlulz July 28, 2008 at 12:51 pm

[re=45324]Serolf Divad[/re]:
[re=45325]Larry Fine[/re]:

The hivemind is strong in these two.

donner_froh July 28, 2008 at 12:52 pm

Hard to be as happy about this as about Jesse Helms since Helms was in a position to do actual harm to a lot of people and did so whenever possible and Novak was/is a hack commentator but I can’t be sorry the Robert Novak won’t be living much longer.

Gopherit v2.0 July 28, 2008 at 12:52 pm

I wonder if Novak and Kennedy have Bucket Lists. You know, other than a Cage Match to the Death for the two of them.

Scarab July 28, 2008 at 12:54 pm

This is shocking. Novak has always been so healthy looking.

Doglessliberal July 28, 2008 at 12:55 pm

[re=45352]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Maybe he already knew, and mowing down a pedestrian was on his bucket list. He waited to reveal so he could keep the license until he could cross this item off his list. I shudder to think what else is on that list.

ManchuCandidate July 28, 2008 at 12:56 pm

A brain tumor is never pretty and can be an ugly way to die depending on where it is on the brain.

On the other hand a brain tumor might also explain Novakula’s general assholishness.

Dramatist July 28, 2008 at 12:57 pm

False alarm, everybody. I mean, we all know that Robert Novak secretes brain tumors from the venom sack on his abdomen. Chances are one of migrated and got stuck in one of his mandibles.

Dramatist July 28, 2008 at 12:58 pm

Maybe he’ll have surgery and become a completely different person, like those people you hear about on TV. Perhaps he will devote his life to good, not evil.

mookworthjwilson July 28, 2008 at 1:04 pm

[re=45356]Doglessliberal[/re]: http://therealzordak.de/GeorgeBushEatingA_kitten.jpg Substitute Novak for Bush, and 3 babys for the kitten…

Scarab July 28, 2008 at 1:05 pm

Michael Savage broke the news by playing ‘Banned in D.C.’ by Bad Brains.

Terry July 28, 2008 at 1:07 pm

[re=45365]Dramatist[/re]:

They’d have to take out his ENTIRE brain and replace it with a functioning one to bring about this change.

Young Frankenstein, anyone?

Delicious July 28, 2008 at 1:08 pm

You may hate his opinions and think he looks creepy, but he’s actually a nice guy. Sorry to hear about this.

Advocatus_Diaboli July 28, 2008 at 1:11 pm

Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving person.

Doglessliberal July 28, 2008 at 1:14 pm

[re=45389]Delicious[/re]: well, yes, if revealing the ID of an undercover spy is an “opinion”, then yeah, I hate that.

weirdiowasculpture July 28, 2008 at 1:14 pm

[re=45359]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Sorry if this seems pedantic, but I believe you meant “assholicity” or “assholituity.” Captain Grammar strikes again.

Carrie_Okie July 28, 2008 at 1:17 pm

[re=45379]Scarab[/re]: …and then ranted that people with brain tumors are just whiney brats that won’t behave.

Scarab July 28, 2008 at 1:17 pm

[re=45389]Delicious[/re]:
You may hate his opinions and think he looks creepy, but he’s actually a nice guy.

Hmm, just like Dick Cheney. Maybe I’m being unfair?

shortsshortsshorts July 28, 2008 at 1:19 pm

Best wishes for a speedy death, ass hat!

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 28, 2008 at 1:24 pm

Surely, all the X-rays are showing are his vestigial horns.

Advocatus_Diaboli July 28, 2008 at 1:26 pm

[re=45333]Fighting Bill[/re]:

“We’re going to have to brush up on our brain tumor humor to find the funny in this…..”

Okay,

Q: what do you call a Republican with a brain tumor?

A: A Republican.

Thank you, I’m here all week.

AxmxZ July 28, 2008 at 1:27 pm

It’s actually a demonic brain-child sired by Lucifer. It’s ready to bust his head open in emerging fully-formed, like Athena.

Doglessliberal July 28, 2008 at 1:28 pm

[re=45412]Scarab[/re]: well, technically, Cheney is not a “guy”. Guys are human, and Cheney is something else (demon, alien being, undead, etc).

Doglessliberal July 28, 2008 at 1:31 pm

[re=45421]AxmxZ[/re]: except she was the Goddess of Wisdom, something in short supply Chez Novak. Maybe there’s a more applicable myth lost to history: the myth about her deformed twin, Idota, the Goddess of Evil Morons. It didn’t prove as popular, and thus died out over the years.

AxmxZ July 28, 2008 at 1:35 pm

[re=45428]Doglessliberal[/re]: Hey, I’m not saying the product is the same – just the process. Novak clearly got mindfucked by Satan, and it’s all about to come oozing out in the open.

Aurelio July 28, 2008 at 1:37 pm

Not to defend the Prince of Darkness, but he may have been telling the truth when he said he didn’t know he had hit someone. He may have blacked out as a result of the tumor. Instead of giving him treatment, perhaps we should send him and his Corvette to Sadr City.

Cubilista July 28, 2008 at 1:47 pm

I wonder what kind of Gay love song Orrin Hatch will write for him?

Texan Bulldoggette July 28, 2008 at 1:56 pm

[re=45333]Fighting Bill[/re]: Yeah, but what’s his excuse for being a sorry, miserable, hating bastard?

The Intern July 28, 2008 at 2:06 pm

Damn, I knew I should believe in that karma shit.

Squiggyfm July 28, 2008 at 2:06 pm

Luckily, Ted’s tumor has been tempered in a lifetime supply of scotch so he’ll outlive Novak.

WIDTAP July 28, 2008 at 2:20 pm

Hey Bob – my recommendations for the time you have left:
– repentance
– as much reparation and good deeds as you can fut in
– prayer

Anita Cocktail July 28, 2008 at 2:27 pm

Hmm, so it appears that this Boston hospital has a special wing for brain tumor patients who harm others with automobiles. Finally, common ground for Kennedy and Novak.

V572625694 July 28, 2008 at 2:27 pm

[re=45389]Delicious[/re]: Maybe you have some personal knowledge that Novak’s a nice guy, but it’s hard to forget him saying the Enron employees were stupid because they didn’t diversify their investments. Just because he was right doesn’t mean it wasn’t a cold, heartless thing to say on that fine, fine program, “Capitol Gang.” Still, a brain tumor is inappropriately harsh punishment for accidently running over a pedestrian and leaving the scene. Thirty days in the DC jail would’ve been about right.

jasonelias July 28, 2008 at 2:54 pm

While Novak’s over there they can finally remove that bug that’s been in his ass since birth.

Cape Clod July 28, 2008 at 3:44 pm

[re=45325]Larry Fine[/re]: He was diagnosed while visiting his daughter here on Cape Cod. He obviously caught it from Teddy.

DP July 28, 2008 at 4:21 pm

I think the headline more accurately should read “Brain tumor has Robert Novak.” We wish the tumor a full and complete recovery.

Wagamuffin July 28, 2008 at 6:49 pm

Um, think I’m gonna take a pass on this one. Too tasteless, even for me.

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