• February 13, 2012
DISAPPOINTMENTS

by Jim Newell

6:21 pm August 4, 2008

  • NOOOOOOO: Ugh and we were looking forward to meeting him: “Vice President Dick Cheney will not make an appearance at the Republican convention in Minneapolis-St. Paul next month, according to sources in his office. Cheney has not sought a speaking slot at the convention, nor has his staff sought a role for him at the convention.” And this party’s nominee is somehow tied with Barack Obama in The Polls. Discuss. [American Spectator]

{ 38 comments }

shortsshortsshorts August 4, 2008 at 6:24 pm

No but he will be controlling what everyone says from behind the stage. Like this wasn’t obvious.

Indi August 4, 2008 at 6:25 pm

I can’t disclose details for fear of a fate worse than death, but it does involve black roosters, chalk, and the fact that Karl Rove is not actually a human being.

columnv August 4, 2008 at 6:26 pm

This party’s nominee is tied with Barry because of trollops like Cindy McCunt.

Quacker August 4, 2008 at 6:29 pm

But, will he attend Paultartpalooza?

SuperRounder August 4, 2008 at 6:30 pm

Yeah I figured he would stay home. Do you know how much gas it takes to power the Deathstar?

LittlePig August 4, 2008 at 6:32 pm

When he found out shotguns were not allowed, he bowed out. How can men bond without shotguns?

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez August 4, 2008 at 6:33 pm

Fundamentalists were asleep at the wheel these last eight years. Barry is not the AntiChrist–Cheney was. Let the end times begin! Tonight we’re gonna partay like it’s 1999!

Neilist August 4, 2008 at 6:33 pm

Whew.

I guess that means there won’t be a spike in 28 gauge dove loads in sporting goods stores in the greater Minneapolis/St. Paul area.

Older trial lawyers in the area are breathing a sigh of relief. . . .

columnv August 4, 2008 at 6:33 pm

[re=51650]SuperRounder[/re]: The deathstar consumes hopes and dreams, and those are renewable resources.

SayItWithWookies August 4, 2008 at 6:33 pm

I’m sure whatever Cheney will be doing, it involves diligently making the world a worse place to live. And that’s far more important than making some sort of speech about how Barack Obama is a communist and is going to jail all the white people.

AngryBlakGuy August 4, 2008 at 6:33 pm

…if anymore Republicans sit out this convention they should call it a house party.

Mahousu August 4, 2008 at 6:35 pm

Cheney can’t make it because he has a Cuddle Party scheduled for the same day.

BadNewsJack August 4, 2008 at 6:36 pm

Well, looks like darkness will not envelop the land, as the prophesy once stated.

tunamelt August 4, 2008 at 6:40 pm

So is he the wizard behind the curtain or the witch with a horde of flying monkeys?

Squiggyfm August 4, 2008 at 6:40 pm

To be fair to Cheney…it is his hibernation week…and he’s wildly unpopular.

NoWireHangers August 4, 2008 at 6:41 pm

Well, if WALNUTS! someone wins this thing because of the Moran vote, then maybe the terrorists do deserve to win.

KevoTron August 4, 2008 at 6:43 pm

[re=51663]Mahousu[/re]: If anyone needs a hug it’s that guy.

bitchincamaro August 4, 2008 at 6:44 pm

What’s a party without a dick?

FunkyPalmettoBug August 4, 2008 at 6:45 pm

Virgin blood isn’t going to distill itself people!

slavojzizek August 4, 2008 at 6:46 pm

Having seen Obama linked to Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Moses, many voters like me realize a decrepit war criminal would make the better president.

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez August 4, 2008 at 6:47 pm

I have a personal Cheney tale. My younger sister went to University of Wyoming and met her future husband Steve there. He told me that when he was a kid, they lived next door to Lynne Cheney’s family in Cheyanne. When he was a young whippersnapper and Lynne and Dick were college age, Dick was a-visiting the Lynnes, and like a total College Republican dick he was practicing his golf game in the back yard. A few came over into Steve’s yard, where he was playing while his father worked on the garden. College Dick came over to the fence and said, “Hey boy. Throw me back my balls.” Steve said, “No. Come and get them yourself, asshole.” His dad says if he had been so rude to any other adult he would have wupped his butt, but this little twit Cheney was so arrogant he deserved it, and Steve got a pat on the head.

They still live in Wyoming. Steve claims he and my sister and his dad are the only Dems in the state. Gobama!

pdiddycornchips August 4, 2008 at 6:52 pm

It’s almost as if Republicans are trying to erase any ties they have to the Bushies. Now why would they do that?

bitchincamaro August 4, 2008 at 6:53 pm

Tiny valdez: I’d have gladly thrown his balls over the fence for him.

itgetter August 4, 2008 at 7:09 pm

Well, obviously this is because thousands of Republicans wouldn’t agree to Cheney’s strict security demands. I mean, how can he expect Repubs to forgo bathroom sex for the hours before and during his appearance?

wonk_the_heck August 4, 2008 at 7:12 pm

Too bad, but it’ll be horrible enough with McCain speaking.

Darehead August 4, 2008 at 7:14 pm

One big dickfest missing its head.

Mahousu August 4, 2008 at 7:32 pm

[re=51676]KevoTron[/re]: I agree. You first.

regisgoat August 4, 2008 at 7:36 pm

So, is W. going to be there, or does he have to cut brush that weekend?

shortsshortsshorts August 4, 2008 at 7:57 pm

DICK CHENEY FOR VEEP

RuperttheBear August 4, 2008 at 9:29 pm

My house. Keg and shots.

Get it? “shots”?

Anyhoo . . . I live in Wisconsin.

shortsshortsshorts August 4, 2008 at 11:05 pm

[re=51722]regisgoat[/re]: He will be making lots of decisions. We will embrace them, or surely he will be gone in the 2004 election.
I only acknowledge the last 3 and 3/5 years as reality because my pharmaceuticals agree.

Oscar Folsom Cleveland August 5, 2008 at 12:32 am

Two angry white guys going toe-to-toe…what a spectacle for the Republicans. And how auspiucious that their fake convention starts on a holiday; perfect.

sati demise August 5, 2008 at 12:32 am

So?

villageatrois August 5, 2008 at 1:48 am

Ooooohhhh. I was so looking forward to seeing him appear with his family, including the father of his grandchild, Mr. T. Baster.

PioBaroja August 5, 2008 at 2:03 am

He has other things to do, like, I understand there’s a big sale on Truck Nutz. Also, he’s only shot one guy with his own hands this year, apparently, and that was really retribution for sending him the anthrax. He likes to spend his summers getting in a good gratuitous shooting. Pity Anne Armstrong died last week, she was setting him up with the reanimated corpse of Clark Clifford. Word has it the zombie Clifford was to have been given a three day head start and a knife.

Lionel Hutz Esq. August 5, 2008 at 3:40 am

Great, just great. Now who is going to cause the eclipse when the beast changes host?

TGY August 5, 2008 at 4:25 am

The mob with the pitchforks and torches will be greatly disappointed.

ronaldpagan August 5, 2008 at 4:35 am

FOUR MORE YEARS!!

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