Barack Obama’s Depression Variety Show Starts Now!

The way this Barack Obama character is always on the teevee, you’d think we live in a country of sadsack losers who plop down in front of the teevee the moment they get home from the unemployment office. And you would be right! So, fancy Internet and Facebook and whatever to get the money, from the elites, and then prime-time propaganda to win over the other 270 million Americans. Let’s do pre-game coverage, now!

7:33 PM — Uhh, isn’t anybody talking about this? Chris Matthews, what are you doing, a movie review?
7:33 PM — Yes, fucking Chris Matthews is interviewing KEVIN BACON, the ’70s porn star, instead of saying a bunch of stuff about Obama’s first prime-time press conference, etc.
7:34 PM — And on CNN, that fat orange-headed dumb fraud Lou Dobbs, this sputtering shitbag. Let’s see, “so-called stimulus plan,” “communist China,” some drawling cracker (Richard Shelby!) ….
7:36 PM — FOX NEWS comes through! Not really, but Shepherd Smith is like Einstein & Mencken combined, after watching Lou Dobbs drool bullshit for 90 seconds. Anyway, what’s this Barack show going to be about? Will it have production values? Or will he just be hassled by losers?
7:38 PM — We do know, according to the famous newspaper the New York Times and its handy news alert electronic bulletin feature, that “Senate Democrats on Monday advanced the $827 economic
stimulus bill.” Hmm, that’s not so much money! Who knew you could save the Economy for less than a thousand dollars! [Thanks to Wonkette Operative "Bryan K." for forwarding that news alert. What would we do without the NYT? Laugh a lot less, that's what.]
7:41 PM — The actual news article says $838 billion, and blah blah clears hurdle Senate moderates, 61-36.
7:42 PM — The CBS affiliate has Dr. Phil, the NBC channel has what’s her name, the lesbian funny lady, some local news on the CBS channel. Make a romantic Valentine’s Day dinner for under $20! Oh god we are actually in a serious Depression, aren’t we?
7:45 PM — “Call it a gourmet bailout plan ….” Really?
7:46 PM — “Simply saute frozen pre-cooked shrimp ….”
7:46 PM — Reporter: “And it will look just as good as if you went to a fancy restaurant?” HEY THAT’S THE FROZEN RACK OF LAMB FROM TRADER JOE’S!
7:47 PM — Yay, Lou Dobbs is done (for the night, anyway).
7:51 PM — Oh joy, the Best Political Team on CNN is here, talking, just like we wanted! Anderson Cooper and his fuzz-chinned hobbit “Wolfen” are ready to go!
7:53 PM — A White House servant just vacuumed the briefing room Red Carpet!
7:53 PM — Well, your editor is now a bit disappointed that he volunteered for the pre-game liveblogging duty, because this has been terrible.
7:54 PM — Campbell Brown wants you to know that even with all the carping and bullshit from the Washington press corps, 76% of the Americans approve of this president guy, Barack Obama, who actually was just sworn in, etc.
7:56 PM — John King has polls to show … that Obama needs to have a success, to save his presidency. Jesus fucking christ, no wonder your editor hasn’t turned on the teevee since the Inauguration.
7:58 PM — All these people are awful. They should be frozen alive until needed again, possibly in the 23rd Century, to feed to Space Monsters.
7:59 PM — Your pal Jim Newell is taking over in a minute, and your current liveblogging editor will just stare at the wall, seething, about god knows what.
8:00 PM — Good-bye forever! Go here, now.