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WHERE ARE MY BATTY PILLS

Peggy Noonan Wishes To Disremember Those Uncouth Torture Episodes

by Jim Newell

1:46 pm April 20, 2009

Oh fignewtons, someone telephone the slaves at Grey Gardens, it seems a tenant has meandered through the gate during her noontime perambulations and landed on the television set! Here is Ms. Peggy Noonington on the George Stephanopoulos program alongside George Will. George Will! He must have forwarded Peggy e-mails about this torture memo business, and again, THAT IS NOT NICE, you know how she gets. She wants to forget she ever read the wretched things! O, the night terrors! “Some of life has to be mysterious,” she opines, poetically, about this issue of state-ordered torture. But mere crickets in the hedgerows, these lawyers… crickets in the… [Huffington Post]

{ 55 comments }

bitchincamaro April 20, 2009 at 1:56 pm

So, by Wills’ logic, the terrorists should not be allowed to read the articles comprising the Third Geneva Convention as doing so would give away the limits of our intentions to extract information from our captives? Huh, wha…the fuck?

Let Peggy be Peggy. But in a vacuum, please.

SayItWithWookies April 20, 2009 at 1:58 pm

Yes, let’s please just forget some of the awful things that happened in the past. Can’t we just skip over the torture and the warrantless wiretapping and focus on what’s important to America — like who murdered Vince Foster?

StephanieInCA April 20, 2009 at 1:58 pm

TEH VAPORZ, I HAS DEM.

sezme April 20, 2009 at 1:58 pm

This lively round table discussion has been brought to you by the Whitewash Marketing Board. And Sam Donaldson.

watershed April 20, 2009 at 1:58 pm

Peggy needs a fan and a mint julep. All this torture talk is giving her the vapors, I do declare!

Custerwolf April 20, 2009 at 1:59 pm

I was doing fine all up until Pegs started to speak. Let me jsut say that I’d rather be waterboarded 266 times than listen to that obnoxious self-worshipping candy-assed twat primly enuciate all the shit-encrusted drivel she thinks we’re all dying to hear. If she ever stepped foot on my property, I’d have to turn all 9 of my dogs loose on her and watch them tear her to pieces like a UPS driver-shaped plush toy.

lampadadog April 20, 2009 at 1:59 pm

Why are her eyelids so… sleepy-like? Seriously. Is she drugged?

2druk2phluq April 20, 2009 at 1:59 pm

More than five minutes of it… Why not just be honest and urge me to find the closest blunt object and pound it against my forehead repeatedly?

bitchincamaro April 20, 2009 at 2:00 pm

And if looks could kill, Sam the Haircut would be cold in the ground when he cuts Cokie off @ 0:59. Hahaha.

octupletsmom April 20, 2009 at 2:01 pm

My head exploded at “it was wrong (to destroy the tapes) BUT I’M REALLY GLAD THEY DID IT!”

But then it continued to explode, serially. Stop it!

OReillysVibrator April 20, 2009 at 2:02 pm

I liked Will’s “I don’t agree with it, but people with education say the president can do whatever he likes all day long so it must be valid!” Does he count Bush in with those “intelligent people” by the way?

CrunchyKnee April 20, 2009 at 2:02 pm

Sam’s hair helmet has real American values.

Cape Clod April 20, 2009 at 2:02 pm

She truly is the loving, drunken, indulgent mommy of Republicans everywhere. No wonder the all grow up to be closet homos.

Lascauxcaveman April 20, 2009 at 2:04 pm

NOT SHOUTY ENOUGH! YOU CALL THIS A SERIOUS DISCUSSION?!

Custerwolf April 20, 2009 at 2:05 pm

[re=294204]lampadadog[/re]: She’s trying to approximate actual flirting, putting to use what her imagination’s garnered from all those lonely, lonely nights spent reading Nancy Drew mysteries.

shortsshortsshorts April 20, 2009 at 2:05 pm

[re=294200]StephanieInCA[/re]: Hahahahaha.
Yup.

freakishlystrong April 20, 2009 at 2:07 pm

Shit Newell, you’re starting to do Peggington better better than the Noonington herself. And what’s up with “mysterious” when talking about illegal, tourturous, Shadowy Government doings? Odd.

Custerwolf April 20, 2009 at 2:08 pm

[re=294207]bitchincamaro[/re]: I know that look. It means “you are so fucking dead when we get home.”

Cape Clod April 20, 2009 at 2:08 pm

[re=294197]bitchincamaro[/re]: “Let Peggy be Peggy. But in a vacuum, please.”
That would certainly equalize the pressure in that empty noggin’ of hers.

MarSF April 20, 2009 at 2:09 pm

Don’t remind Peggy about all the detainees that just happened to “die” while in US custody. She would require an extra dose of Xanax and I don’t think her liver can handle it at this point.

Lascauxcaveman April 20, 2009 at 2:10 pm

[re=294207]bitchincamaro[/re]: Seriously, Cokie’s hair alone could kick all their asses. When I get tired of sporting my comically horrible mullet, I’m going to buy a can of hairspray and create an homage to the “Cokie Swoosh.”

trondant April 20, 2009 at 2:10 pm

[re=294204]lampadadog[/re]: The mysterious in her life is not knowing which pill her butler slips into her morning cocktail on any given day, like say yesterday, for example.

Custerwolf April 20, 2009 at 2:12 pm

[re=294222]Cape Clod[/re]: I prefer bagless vacuums.

MarSF April 20, 2009 at 2:16 pm

I turned my television off Sunday when I heard who was going to be on this panel. Will is fucking awful but combined with Noonington AND Cokie you have a lethal cocktail of pure WASP lunacy.

Cape Clod April 20, 2009 at 2:21 pm

[re=294232]MarSF[/re]: No, No. Nooningtons only pretends to be a WASP. As soon as she thinks the cameras are of she starts swearing like the drunken mick she is.

jagorev April 20, 2009 at 2:22 pm

If Peggy “I touched a Mexican” Noonan and Cokie “Hawaii is a foreign country” Roberts ever mated, they could take over the world.

queeraselvis v 2.0 April 20, 2009 at 2:23 pm

People, people, people. We are ignoring the real news here; namely, there is NO FUCKING WAY that George Steffie’s carpet matches his drapes. Just saying.

Uncle Al April 20, 2009 at 2:25 pm

The other night I was channel surfing and came across Miss USA just as they were asking the questions, and I swear that all of them were almost as ditzy as that Miss South Carolina with the Iraq also. Anyhow watching Peggy, I was reminded of them.

Uncle Al April 20, 2009 at 2:28 pm

Here’s one of the best answers from Miss USA. Study and learn, Peggy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XMvviFbkf0

comradepaulson April 20, 2009 at 2:31 pm

I can’t watch. There’s a retirement community right down the street and if I wanted to find out what the “olds” felt about a particular issue, I’d go down and talk to them. But I don’t, so I won’t.

Min April 20, 2009 at 2:35 pm

I wholeheartedly support waterboarding, but only of Peggy Noonan. Let’s see if we can find out what she’s not telling us. And if she’s actually telling us everything she knows already, well, at least her hair will be clean.

19kevin8 April 20, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Yeah but what was she saying off camera? That’s where she does her best opining.

bago April 20, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Wow. Sam Donaldson telling people that made up bullshit is made up bullshit and shutting that presidential cocksucker Will down with a cold Nixon backhand? Where were these guys?

engulfedinflames April 20, 2009 at 2:40 pm

quick! someone find some vacuous milque toast weenie roast masturabortive hair combing clean as spring rain i did it for all the right reasons video of an axe murder to counter this before the earth spins off its axis…please.

Hooray For Anything April 20, 2009 at 2:46 pm

Shorter George Will: Well, if smart people say something, than it must be smart!
Shorter Peggy Noonan: Can’t we just talk about puppy dogs? I like puppy dogs.

TeddyS April 20, 2009 at 2:50 pm

George Will knows for a fact that those people who were tortured were not properly attired, which means they were of the lower class. And we know about them.

Peggy knows how to “just keep walking” because that is how the other residents of her building get around those horrid New York streets, where many of the aliens are not in designer clothes. Never look them in the eyes. Just keep walking and the badness will fade away. Mommy said so. Then take some powerful drugs and get stoned before going on the televisions.

chascates April 20, 2009 at 2:55 pm

The Nursing Home for Old Pundits and Talking Heads is going to be one loud and crazy place.

rachelv April 20, 2009 at 3:06 pm

can that expression be surgically removed from her face?

TGY April 20, 2009 at 3:06 pm

Bush apologists: fuck ‘em

A toast! “To our friends, the good guys. And to our enemies, the bad guys. And to the hope that, one day, we’ll be able to tell one from the other.”

Tommmcatt April 20, 2009 at 3:09 pm

“We found Al Frankin in the washroom with Peggy Noonan again, Head Nurse, and they weren’t comparing detergents…”

imissopus April 20, 2009 at 3:12 pm

I want to find something snarky to say about my beloved Noonbeam, but all I can think about right now is how much I want to reach down George Will’s throat and pull out all his vital organs.

Oooo, there are smart people who think the unitary executive is written in the Constitution! And you know the Founding Fathers never wore denim so it MUST be true! Jackass. Go watch a Nationals game and leave the interpretation of our nation’s laws to people who are not total dicks.

CthuNHu April 20, 2009 at 3:13 pm

If there’s a cricket in your hedgerow, don’t be alarmed now. It’s just Miss Peggy getting viciously mugged. Don’t stop to help, though. Sometimes you need to just keep walking.

For you lazy SOBs that didn’t read the article:

Peggy Noonan went even further, articulating a position that upends George Santayana’s famous quote: “Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.”

“Some things in life need to be mysterious,” said Noonan, adding, “Sometimes you need to just keep walking.”

She also added:

“It’s hard for me to look at a great nation issuing these documents and sending them out to the world and thinking, oh, much good will come of that.”

See, this is why I wish we hadn’t torn down Spandau. Now there’s nowhere on earth fit for Miss Peggy to call home.

assistant/atlas April 20, 2009 at 3:22 pm

After several smashed TV sets and monitors, I have learned that I can’t watch anything with George “Taking Smug to New Heights” Stephanopolous. Sad, that.

[re=294238]jagorev[/re]: Or my pants. They could definitely manage a takeover of my pants.

prototype April 20, 2009 at 3:23 pm

George Will, Peggy Noonan, and Cokie “he should be in Myrtle Beach,” Roberts all in one round table is just too much for me to watch. I just ate lunch.

snideinplainsight April 20, 2009 at 4:02 pm

I’m sorry, but just seeing the lineup for this, I can’t help but think “fatuous cronyism”. Fatuous cronyism is my new Also. I don’t even know what it means, except that these people are worse than useless – they are awful, and distractors, and there is no real reason they should have a constant platform to project their random blather.

Fatuous cronyism.

Ok, maybe it lacks the comedic punch of butterstick, etc. Let me try it again;

Fatuous Cronyism!?

Fatuous Cronyism!!!1!

Cronyous Fatuism!

Is that any better?

TGY April 20, 2009 at 4:09 pm

[re=294370]CthuNHu[/re]: I’m so glad all these talking heads support ‘adulterated’ truth. ‘Some things need to mysterious’ my left testical.

TGY April 20, 2009 at 4:11 pm

[re=294453]snideinplainsight[/re]: Agree. “Round up the usual fatuous suspects,” they said.

NYNYNY April 20, 2009 at 6:43 pm

–Some things need to be mysterious– Are You Fucking Kidding? She regretted it after she said it. But still. Still. How about if some interrogators get “mysterious” on you for a few months?

coffeeyesplease April 20, 2009 at 7:20 pm

Please make it stop

anabellum April 20, 2009 at 10:17 pm

Wow!…i finally get it…

Peggy is growing old and thus feigning wisdom…with a capital W…

Peggy is WISE ya see…

that explains the overdose of pretension, which is required because, of course…it’s not true…

Edywin April 20, 2009 at 10:42 pm

I think the real story in this clip is the battle of the hairpieces between George Will and Sam Donaldson.

snideinplainsight April 20, 2009 at 10:46 pm

AH, UG! I finally watched this video, and now I want to scrub my corneas with a brillo pad!

I just wish each of these people (Ok, not Cokie maybe) were captured and roughed up a bit by a foreign power for a few days (say Rush Limbaugh) just to remind them that what they are talking about is real actions done by and to real people rather than George’s glib little abstraction about the unitary executive.

elenique April 21, 2009 at 2:46 am

surely there are some tarp funds that can get this show an ethics bailout. all this rationalization and polite pandering about waterboarding! on a sunday morning no less. and here i used to like cokie…clearly she’s been subjected to 83 episodes of george-will-boreding over a short period of time and now will say anything to stop the torture.

missannethrope April 21, 2009 at 7:10 am

After watching this clip, I’m more thankful than ever that I don’t have a TV.

Custerwolf April 21, 2009 at 11:57 am

[re=294851]missannethrope[/re]: I’m with you. Unfortunately, my computer doesn’t filter out Peggy Noonan porn.

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