Weren’t we just talking about Larry King? Yes we were! Well, the “king of all media” has some very special guests tonight, straight from the meth/moose/Taco Bell capital of the world, Wasilla. The singular Levi and Mercede Johnston will sit down this evening with Hollywood’s favorite death muppet, and dope-dealin’ mom Sherry Johnston is coming along for the ride. (The ride will be in an actual pickup truck, driven from Alaska. Sherry will be shotgun. Mercede likes to be closest to Levi, in the night.)
Why won’t Levi just go the hell away and work in the oil field or whatever, as was his destiny before he knocked up the daughter of the Queen of the Arctic? Because he wants …. money. It seems, according to whatever friend/sibling who keeps squealing to the tabloids, that young master Levi has a Big Idea about launching a custody battle against the family that runs the whole miserable state. And that’s going to take money, for bribes and Xtreme Burritos and whatnot, so he is pursuing a BOOK DEAL.
Yes, this illiterate teen-aged high-school dropout wants to write book, about his life, or at least the fateful two minutes in which his semen was ejaculated into the vagina of Sarah Palin’s teen-aged Christian daughter, and one determined sperm swam up, up, up and penetrated the ovulating egg within, and the rest is Creationism, the end.
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{ 112 comments }
Please, Jeebus, let Levi “write” a book, and then let this dude make it into a musical. Fuck you, NEA! ART!!1!1! Also.
Awesome. I was running out of reasons to make incest jokes.
Levi and Joe the Plumber should co-author the next conservative manifesto and title it “Freedom: Keep Your Pipes from Freezing in the Cold”
Didn’t Hanna Montanan write something similar?
Ha ha ha ha…well done sperm !
…next stop = “Celebrity Rehab”
OK, that last paragraph is going to kill David Denby. Where are you going to mount his pelt, Ken?
I thought Meatloaf already wrote that book/song with “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.”
I see a trend in Johnston family names here. Perhaps Mercede and Levi will be followed by Hercule, Mile, and Marcu. Who needs those pesky final S’s in their name, especially when you’re named after a consumer product?
It’s only a matter of time before the Johnston family has their own
reality show. Title ideas, please…
I suppose it’s too much to hope that someone would pay him money to NOT write a book.
Ride it for all it’s worth, Levi! And I’m not just referring to your adventure in Bristol Palin’s vagina. Take the Palin’s for all they are worth — they certainly have no scruples when it comes to clawing their way onto the gravy train.
_You’re Pretty Like My Sister: The Levi Johnston Story._
Such a joyful description of the miracle of human life!
[re=296330]ihasasad[/re]: Nono, that was her dad.
“How I made a Disney-Tween Pop Star: You’re Welcome”
Ken, you probably put more accurate sex-ed in your intro than those kids have ever seen to date.
[re=296339]jodyleek[/re]:
Baby Daddy Bachelor
When, oh when, will we ever be free of these fuckin’ rednecks??!
[re=296342]DeLand DeLakes[/re]: _My Cousin’s Hotter, But You’re Dumber: The Cocktober of my Discontent_
Cue Sarah Palin to move the official State of Alaska press office into high alert in 3…2…1…
Should we take up a collection to buy them some trucknutz?
[re=296349]freakishlystrong[/re]: You answered your own question. As long as their “fuckin’” rednecks and not “sterilized by order of the state” rednecks, the hijinx will continue.
“death muppet” is a very nearly perfect description. I always thought of him as a Tim Burtonish death puppet without the humor or humanity. Still, this seems like too much fun to miss. And, hey, it’s on CNN in English!
[re=296355]Hawaiiexpat[/re]: Was is that? Like Trig-Con 1?
“Baby To Nowhere: Straight Talk from Under The Bus and Everything Else They Don’t Want You To Know About” by Levi Johnston with Kevin Trudeau
[re=296349]freakishlystrong[/re]: Only after the final echo of gunfire fades across the tundra! Sarah Palin and her screwball extended snowbilly family are the gifts that keep on giving.
[re=296358]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Ahem, I mean THEY’RE.
[re=296342]DeLand DeLakes[/re]:
HAHAHA!!
[re=296339]jodyleek[/re]: First Sister, First Love
[re=296325]StephanieInCA[/re]: That reminds me of something I noticed last week: the Teabagger organizers are not the same group as the rank and file. Fox and Friends just want a return to Bushism. The teabagger masses are mostly Perotistas; they don’t care about taxes NEARLY as much as they care about spending and deficits, and they hate Bush for his profligate ways. They’re Republicans, mostly, but cranky Republicans who have a lot of pent-up frustrations that they’re (stupidly, but what else would you expect) venting on Obama.
[re=296337]President Beeblebrox[/re]: I propose that the next one should be called Starbuck, or perhaps more to the point, Siemen.
Yes, this illiterate teen-aged high-school dropout wants to write book, about his life, or at least the fateful two minutes in which his semen was ejaculated into the vagina of Sarah Palin’s teen-aged Christian daughter, and one determined sperm swam up, up, up and penetrated the ovulating egg within, and the rest is Creationism, the end.
Fap fap fap fap fap…
The book Levi will write will be exactly 1 page and will consist of the following information. HE WILL MAKE MILLIONS FOR IT.
“Born. Grew up. Huntin’. Fishin’. Knocked up the governor’s daughter. That’s ’bout it I guess.”
[re=296339]jodyleek[/re]: “I Wear the Pants And Happen to be Named After Them Also”
Fuckin’ Rednecks: A How-To Book
by Levi Johnston
[re=296372]sezme[/re]: How about just “Oopsie”?
I hear tell Levi wears on his sister and Mercede drives her bro crazy. Of course, that’s only when they’re not fucking each other. And Sherry – well, she apparently likes the meth more than she likes the letter ‘s’.
[re=296339]jodyleek[/re]: “Playing with the Johnstons”?
Can’t we just say Levi touched her with his “noodley appendage”? Let’s be sensitive to the pastafarians, ok?
[re=296339]jodyleek[/re]: The Sled Dog of Love?
[re=296374]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: You forgot hockey and dabbling with Myspace (I don’t want no kids), but that’s pretty much spot on.
Fuckin’ Rednecks for Dummies
by Levi Johnston
[re=296339]jodyleek[/re]: Dancing with the Tards
By the way, Ken. Do the folks at SarahPAC ever notice what gets posted on this blog?
“Hollywood’s favorite death muppet.” That’s true, I’ve always felt his post mortem interviews were the best.
[re=296342]DeLand DeLakes[/re]: _Guess Who’s Coming to the GOP Convention? The Story of Levi Johnston_
Mercede. Seriously, that name drives me nuts. WHERE’S THE ‘S’?
[re=296391]AllHat[/re]: Bonfire of the Inanities?
[re=296330]ihasasad[/re]: i think you’re talking about the little sister of Britney Spears whatever the hell her name was. I personally cant wait for Miley to get knocked up by that 21 year old boyfriend of hers.
I hate him, and I hate all of you. Also.
-SP
(Good description though ,Ken)
How I Slid My Puck Into the Crease of the Hockey Mom’s Daughter
I Should Have Stuck With Anal: The Levi Johnston Story
I don’t know whether to be happy or sad that I don’t get CNN…
“Who Do I Gotta Fuck to Get a Book Deal?: The Batshitcrazy Odyssey of Levi Johnston.”
Somehow I always imagine that events in Wasilla transpire much like those in Joyce’s Dublin. . .
“Levi entered the small chamber where Mrs. Sarah Palin and her daughter — his soon-to-be-wife! — sat, calmly sewing snowmobile racing harness for Ol’ Todd, who was by now ensconced in a ratty dentist’s chair, receiving his new Arctic Cat tattoo. Four shots of scotch were in his belly brupbrupbrup their churning reflected his unsettled thoughts.
–Mrs. Palin said Levi.
–Come ye to take my daughter to her new trailer-home?
–Mrs Palin.
Levi glanced at the plump features of Ms. Bristol, her eyes downcast, and felt a stirring in his pudenda, the same as he felt when he knew her that first time; voluptuousness in the extended cab of his F150.
–Mrs. Palin, I am leaving. To meet with the great news-paper man Mr. Lawrence King, thence to the offices of the publishing house of Simon and Schuster.
Mrs. Palin set aside her work.
–I know ye shall not return! Thy name will be infamous in all Wasilla! said Mrs. Palin.
Levi looked to Bristol. She did not stir, and her impassiveness dispelled the lingering anxiety in Levi. He turned, strode out of the ramshackle abode, and listened to the trash-infused, gravelley mud of Wasilla under his heels. Splort. Splort. The sky was clear and Levi’s heart awoke and his feet propelled him toward the Greyhound Station.”
[re=296340]populucious[/re]: I’m sure that’s what Levi is hoping will happen (hint, GINO). Spelling is hard.
[re=296409]Custerwolf[/re]: Their original book title choice was “Levi Johnston: The Perfect Storm of Ignorance and Enthusiasm,” but apparently there was a problem with copyright infringement.
[re=296339]jodyleek[/re]: 2012 Election?
“When my Johnston got out of my Levi’s” by Levi Johnston
‘The singular Levi and Mercede Johnston……’
SINGULAR. ha ha, i got it now.
Okay – enough fun – I gotta spend time now writing out a statement regarding some rabbits a guy starved to death, so please have some funny for me when I get back here.
[re=296342]DeLand DeLakes[/re]: That one made my afternoon.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa…
Ok Levi, you want the dough, so I’ll give you an idea to pitch. The ultimate reality TV show cage match of ALL TIME. Your snowbilly Alaskan posse VS. the Osbournes VS. the Lohan clan VS. Britney Speares and all her former lovers, and what the hell, throw Amy Winehouse and Paris Hilton into the mix.
We broadcast video of all you freaks locked together in one house. Last family left standing gets to come out alive.
[re=296405]gjdodger[/re]: I would have gone with “Pulling the Goalie: Birth Control and Levi Johnston,” but yours is good, also
[re=296349]freakishlystrong[/re]:
After you’ve had a few grandchildren.
[re=296339]jodyleek[/re]: How about “Dysfunction Junction?”
[re=296442]Dave J.[/re]: As would “Slipping One Past the Goalie– the Levi Johnston Story”
“A tale of two titties” by Levi Johnston
or
“The GOP and me: a story of life, love, and midnight Taco Bell runs” by Levi Johnston
[re=296406]The Church of Realism[/re]: haha, awesome
[re=296349]freakishlystrong[/re]: What are you talkin’ about. dawg, I love these rednecks, thems my peeps.This guys has a shot at fame and wealth all do to one mindless sperm that wouldn’t take “handjob” for an answer. It’s the perfect Redneck success story, doomed to a life of penury but too dumb to quit trying, he hit’s Yukon gold through a combination of dumb luck and Pabst Blue Ribbon. It’s Americas story, baby, quit pissing on it!
[re=296341]BillyClubb[/re]: “Take the Palin’s for all they are worth — they certainly have no scruples when it comes to clawing their way onto the gravy train.”
Hear, hear. This shit couldn’t have happened to a better family. I eagerly await the bun on Snowbilly’s head to explode.
Seriously, though, Snowbilly should have just said Bristol was impregnated by God. All of her RW fundy fans wouldn’t have batted an eye & no sentient being could think any less of her at this point, anyway.
If they hadn’t just published their last issue months ago, I wonder if Playgirl would offer Levi a million to get commando?
[re=296401]rev_matt_y[/re]: How do you even pronounce it? Since I don’t watch the teevee I don’t know. “Mer-say-dee”? “Mer-seed”?
[re=296329]kthxbai…also[/re]: Win.
Two minutes? Aren’t you giving too much credit?
[re=296339]jodyleek[/re]: Levight–Lean livin’ in the icy wilderness.” He’ll hang the baby’s papoose from a tree and go wrestle a bear, then Mercede (I thought okies chose shit names) will cook it over a giant bonfire up and they’ll eat if with their bare hands, using their teeth to rip it off the bones, because, you know, out here in the godforsaken wilderness we don’t need no stinkin’ flatware. Sissy will chew some then spit some into the baby’s mouth.
Then they and the camera crew will go to a nice restaurant and have a decent meal after dropping off the baby with the Bible Spices.
“If Levi could get a million bucks, it would be worth telling all he really knows.”
Which shouldn’t take long. And I’ve no doubt this snowkicker will get the million. The Palin family saga is a cottage industry.
“Northern Exposure” by Levi Johnston with help by the Wasilla High School English department.
Four minutes! Two sperm! The truth will out!
Well, jeez, you gave away the ending.
I had just past the puck acrost the ice and some sumbitch slammed me into the boards. I could see Bristol in the frotn rrow of the bleechers, not watching me play. Bitch! Then she yelled, “Hey, Leon, I’m pregnant and I think it’s yours.” Well, ain’t that fuckin’ good news, I thought. “Leon’s the goalie! I’m Levi!” “Yeah, that’s what I ment,” she yelled, all happy like. I got my head back in the game and decided to worry about that shit later. I had a date with Sarah, but I had to change plans quick. Mercede would know what to do. I had to talk to Mercede. Where’s that fuckin’ puck?
So if Mercede has “Levi” inked on the back of her neck, I’m guessing Bristol has “Insert other side”.
[re=296509]TeddyS[/re]: Levi? FTW!
Well, I for one would like to see Levi and his family stay on the scene for as long as Sarah and First Dude force us to swallow the vomit that comes up every time we have to see or hear them or about them. And really, why are we dumping on the kids (Levi or Bristol) for stuff that we did (or wanted to do) as kids – and no, I’m not talking about the crass “deliverance’ styled crap emanating from the festering crevices of the left and the right. They’re just a couple of poor kids caught in the political crossfire; go ahead and heap shite on them that delivered them but leave the poor kids alone.
[re=296533]MickFinn[/re]: No one who tattoos her own brother’s name on her body gets immunity from me. No goddamned way.
Scorin’ Five Hole
Telling this epic tale is a job for John Waters.
Custerwolf: So she tattooed her brother’s name on her finger – big wow! So sorry you and your family aren’t close enough that you’d be willing to permanently express that love in a nominal way.
I stand by the idea that we don’t need to and shouldn’t be trashing the kids – it’s not as if they had a choice to be thrust into the glare. And yes, while they do have a choice – to an extent – to stay in the glare, we need to recognize them for what they are: pawns of the parents.
In this game of chess, let’s minimize the collateral damage to the pawns as we take out the Cariboo Queen and her minions.
[re=296533]MickFinn[/re]: And another thing…. I find your last sentence to be somewhat irksome as it seems to suggest that it is rather okay for the stars of “Beverely 9Degreesbelow” to capitalize on America’s pathetic obsession with all that is retarded, but that they are somehow sacrosanct from any negative backlash as the result of having done so.
[re=296509]TeddyS[/re]: “You know,” Mercede said as she nibbled on my ear, “her mother is, like, pretty, you know, ambitious, thinks she just might be President.”
“So?” I said to her
“Imagine, like, how embarrassing it would be for it to be discovered that her young teenage daughter got knocked up? It’ll make it, like, hard for her to get, you know, all those religious types to, like support her. It’s, like, soooo hard to preach to all those Jesus Freaks about abstinence and family values and shit like that if she let you fuck her daughter in the upstairs bedroom”
“Hmmm…..”
“So, we could, you know, like, blackmail her mother and, like, tell her that if she pretends the kid is hers, we won’t say anything and so you won’t have to play Baby Daddy….”
I thought about it for a second as she worked her way down my neck. “Oh, sister, you’re, like, so smart ”
“There’s another thing we could ask her too…” she purred.
“What.”
“Maybe she can legally make it so I can get an ‘s’ added to my first name….”
[re=296572]MickFinn[/re]: Listen Angie, you ignorant slut, just because you frenched your own brother at the Academy Awards doesn’t mean you get to come here and be all up in my face defending these little snot-nosed pukes. (See how effective your argument was – I never actually hated these little fuckers until you came along).
Hmmm, the kids are the stars of this political soap opera? Sarah who?
Sarah Palin was a bad choice for VP nominee. She continues to be bad choice for any other national office. Hell, I think that during this recession/depression, the people of Alaska will probably figure out that she was a bad choice for their governor.
So, I’m still saying let’s stay focused on the real problem: Sarah (and perhaps realize there is a sleeper or two out there more than happy to have us focus on her while he/she builds a campaign) and not work at keeping the kids front and center (thereby ensuring the publicity and hence the money-making opportunity that appears to be really bumming you out).
[re=296572]MickFinn[/re]: “So sorry you and your family aren’t close enough that you’d be willing to permanently express that love in a nominal way.”
Fuck nominal – We cold express our love in NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-able ways.
[re=296593]MickFinn[/re]: Honey, you are WAY too sober for either a Mick or a Finn. Why don’t you pour yourself a drink, relax, and maybe peruse craigslist for a good masseuse. Oh wait – on second thought, that’s probably a bad idea.
[re=296339]jodyleek[/re]: Redneck Exposure
i know who can probably get Levi to tell some high stories about people in high office, for a sum of money— wouldn’t that benefactor be the publisher of Hustler Magazine! somebody get in touch with him and arrange an interview with Alaskan cowboy Levi…
[re=296359]AliBabaInBA[/re]: I hope CNN provides actual English subtitles.
I really should read what I write prior to posting…would cut way down on those grammatical errors I’m too lazy to correct.
[re=296339]jodyleek[/re]:
“Little Meth Lab on the Prairie”
“Frozen Chosen”
“Valley of the Dulls”
Sibling name tattoos … hmmm, didn’t that happen on an early episode of “Six Feet Under”? With Brenda and her creepy brother Billy? And wasn’t it supposed to be all “edgy” and taboo-breaking and everything? Yah, it was creepy then too.
[re=296593]MickFinn[/re]: I respectfully disagree. Please take into account that it was Sarah, the Republican Party and the Red State Wingnuts that created and continued to push the saga of all the snowbabies into our faces. You could not see a picture of Caribou Barbie without an infant, Bristol, Levi or the other kids being featured. Well, maybe the live turkey being shoved into a grinder episode. But the soap opera thus created, once underway, could not be stopped, because new topics keep … present tense … erupting. If they don’t like it, they could just shut up and disappear and we would stop laughing at the whole nutty mob. They volunteered for this spotlight and continue to do so. Our commenting on something the Johnsons and the Palins say on places like the flipping Tyra Banks Show, CBS, Larry King and other national venues is fair game.
So, back to our storyline (thnx to Hooray for Anything): Sis flipped over and pulled out a drawer of the little table by the bed. It was reel difficult for me to see in the dim light. “I stole some of Mom’s stash,” she said.
[re=296337]President Beeblebrox[/re]: I had me an Herme scarf once…
[re=296394]Cape Clod[/re]: The fact Sarahpac wastes money on wonkette is pretty much proof they are as ignorant as Snowbilly Betty Boop. Call me crazy, but they’re just too stupid to win an election. Why the fuck doesn’t Ted run against her for guv?
The title of his autobiographical tome will be “Oh Hell I Forgot What to Call The Book About My Life and Stuff.”
Abstinence, Only If You’re Not Teabagging the Guvner’s Daughter.
Teddy:
I respectfully disagree.
But then . . .
Please take into account that it was Sarah, the Republican Party and the Red State Wingnuts that created and continued to push the saga of all the snowbabies into our faces.
Which was my point.
But most of the posters aren’t commenting on what the kids might have said on the shows, they’re just making goofy shit up (living down to the expectations most have of the blogosphere). More importantly, the posters aren’t parsing out important issues to nail Palin with: Levi can’t see his kid? Shouldn’t Sarah, as a family firster, be making sure that he sees and contributes to the raising of Tripp? Where are the parents that are supposed to be ensuring “family values” are paid homage?
But no, most of the asses here sound like a couple of the guys I went to college with: toked out, cartoons rolling on the screen, sound turned off, rolling around on the floor laughing at their own goofy babbling . . .
[re=296794]TeddyS[/re]: [re=296915]MickFinn[/re]: That’s what you get for RESPECTFULLY disagreeing.
[re=296349]freakishlystrong[/re]: Don’t you hate John McCain?
[re=296998]Custerwolf[/re]: I have larned my respektacle lessin. Gotta go watch Larru King now and reload for tomorrow.
[re=296915]MickFinn[/re]: Umm, have you ever been here before?? This is a WAR and snark blog. No one is off-limits, especially children. Not even Peggy Noonan.
Mercede said she is going to go to school to become a surjun. She wants to perform SURJURREEEE
[re=296915]MickFinn[/re]: “Goofy shit?” Hell yes, this is WONKETTE!!!!
Try Daily Kos.
(Good point about Sarah’s crappy, so-called, family values.)
What loving parent wouldn’t let their teenage daughter have a fucknest in the upstairs bedroom? And she’s got a couple of daughters to go, that place is gonna get some miles out of it. I can’t shake the suspicion that the First Dude and the Van Susterns are watching through a two-way mirror.
But back to the story:
“Goddammit, Levi! You were only supposed to knock her up once, no way we’re gonna be able to pass off another kid as the Governor’s. And now you have to go to Minneapolis for some fucking convention or some shit, how the fuck is that gonna look, you dumbass?”
“Aw, shucks, I didn’t mean to. I don’t even know how it happened. We were bein’ safe an’ all”
“Were you?”
“Shit yeah, I had my buck knife on my belt and the truck’s rifle rack’s right there above where we were doin’ it,”
“Fucking shit, that’s not what- nevermind. Come here, we’re gonna have to give you some kind of obvious symbol that you’re gonna marry her, for the abstinence-only jerk-offs. How do you feel about name tatoos?”
Dang, you don´t need no special REASON to make incest jokes! Thems always in good tayste! In this instance, they would be insiteful, ALSO TOO!
Sarah Palin-Tonya Harding 2012!
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