Liberal Heroes Bill Clinton And Matt Yglesias Woo Interns At Hippie Conference

Yesterday Your Diligent Gossip Monger spent literally hours at the CAMPUS PROGRESS NATIONAL CONFERENCE, which was held at a terrible MINOTAUR-INFESTED LABYRINTH known as the Omni Shorem Hotel. 1,400 young communists came from all corners of the Soviet Union to discuss Obama’s FIVE-YEAR PLAN and to hear HOT CELEBRITIES talk about HIP-HOP and AK47s. Too many stories, so many scandalous photographs! …

The exclusive PRESS ROOM, busy as a bumble bee. This is where Your Wonkette Correspondent would retreat to for a cup of ORANGE JUICE and a nap, whenever the action got too hairy …

Center for American Progress’s prized thoroughbred blogger-stallion MATTHEW YGLESIAS participated in a very earnest discussion about water fluoridation and other COMMUNIST RACKETS that jeopardize our National Security. Each panelist was asked to name three GLOBAL THREATS that they thought were trendy and chichi. Clearly channeling the great JULIE ANDREWS, Matthew delighted the audience by singing his response in a lyrical tour de force titled “(A FEW OF) MY FAVORITE THREATS” …

Afterward, Yglesias was accosted by a lustful swarm of BARELY-LEGAL PROGRESSIVE-MINDED GROUPIES — even Your Dutiful Gossip-Huckster joined the flock in hopes of procuring some sort of souvenir, like a lock of his GRIZZLY BEARD-MANE. But after waiting patiently in line for what seemed like minutes, Mr. Yglesias initially refused even a HARMLESS PHOTOGRAPH, because apparently he avoids your Wonkette like ANTHRAX SCABIES! But blessed be Amun-Ra, for Your Humble Gossip Columnist is also an accomplished practitioner of the ancient Mesopotamian art known as Persuasion. Matt soon fell prey to some FLATTERING HAIKU; his eyeglasses fogged up and his nipples became as hard as CALCIUM DEPOSITS. And then ABRACADABRA! Not even Matthew Solemn-Pants Yglesias could resist! …

If you don’t think that is adorable, you are probably a jerk. This photo will be cherished forever.

Secretary of Rampant Diabetes KATHLEEN SEBELIUS told a scary story about what happens when you don’t eat your vegetables! What happens is that Kathleen claws you to death.

Look at all the blood rushing to WILLIAM CLINTON’S stimulated head! Only an Arkansas sex gremlin like him could manage a face erection.

Unclaimed press passes, at the press check-in table, at 7:00 PM, THE END OF THE CONFERENCE. What’s the story, MAUREEN DOWD? Too busy making out with your Pulitzer Prize? …

Years from now, when Yours Truly is an OCTOGENARIAN, curious children will inquire, “What was it like to experience a Campus Progress National Conference? Was it like magic?” and also, “Did you really chop off your finger to avoid being drafted during THE GREAT MOON WAR WITH CHINA?”

“Yes.”

Riley Waggaman’s WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com.