Asses: Another Installment In an Irregular Series

By the Comics Curmudgeon
As your Comics Curmudgeon demonstrated earlier this year, political cartoonists love butts. Just love ’em! The ass is the most polysemous of images, representing everything from sex appeal to debasement and humiliation to an actual butt. So we’re presenting a panoply of ass shots this week, with a greater emphasis on sodomy. But those of you who aren’t butt fans (even though such a person is scarcely imaginable), fear not! There will also be severed limbs.

The relationship between Bill Clinton and the Democratic Party is a complicated one! Many Americans were kind of sick of him after eight years, and you could argue that his many Problems and Failures resulted in George W. Bush’s election, and his behavior during the 2008 campaign did not endear him to anyone in Obama’s inner circle. Nevertheless, he is a huge figure in the party, the only post-World War II Democrat to be elected twice. He is the Big Dog! He gets things done! And Harry Reid knows that sometimes, if you’ve got a really big job ahead of you, like passing health care, you’ve gotta call him down to the Capitol and have him ass-rape a donkey. It’s kind of unsavory, but if you know a way to get wavering conservative Democrats into line that’s better than a little ex-President/donkey sodomy, I’d sure like to hear it.

Barack Obama, meanwhile, had a problem. It seems that nobody loved him anymore! All the adulation, the cheering, the fawning — all gone! How could he win back America’s heart? By bottoming for the nation? It’s worth a try! Unfortunately, the formerly popular president has never learned the subtle codes and techniques necessary for a successful public same-sex seduction, and has decided to just present his pert buttocks for Uncle Sam’s inspection. Geez, Mr. President, try to do this with a little dignity! Make the experience feel special!

Rebuffed in his attempts at butt-oriented romance, Obama decides that if he can’t do it, nobody can. That’s why he hopped onto his tiny Baracycle and is wrapping up the twin butt-cheeks of Iran and North Korea! The combined ass of these two rogue states won’t be hanging out for all to see anymore, no sir! Or maybe they’re breasts? Hard to say. The point is, nobody’s getting any, by cracky.

Now hated by all Americans, Obama headed overseas. At least the Foreigns still like him, right? Didn’t they just give him that lovely Foreign Peace Prize? Surely, he thought, I’ll get to Asia-land or whatever and they’ll be slobbering all over me, just like old times! Well, guess what, Mr. Sexy President? You’re all sexy and cute and lovable and what not, but can you compete with … an adorable panda bear? Of course you can’t! Nobody can! And that’s why Obama’s recent Asian summit ended with absolutely no love for the Prez, but with a multilateral agreement to ship millions of tons of bamboo a year tariff-free to the Panda Kingdom. DAMN YOU, PANDA!

Defeated in all his efforts, Obama was forced to beg for change like a common hobo. And who came by to drop a little change in his begging cup but the Red Chinese? Yep, they’re just strolling along, with their hand … protruding … from the side of their torso … oh my God, is that somebody else’s severed hand? Have the Chinese leaders become so megalomaniacal that they’re too good to throw change at us with their own hands, which must remain unsullied by such base activities, and thus they’re using the dismembered limbs of political prisoners or Tibetan monks to do it? Monsters! At least we’d never see such barbaric practices here in America!

…OR WOULD WE? Obviously any practice that’s good enough for Communist China is very attractive to known socialist fascists like Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi. So enjoy your so-called “unemployment benefits,” America! They are made entirely out of the putrefying severed limbs of your more industrious fellow citizens, the ones who were useful enough to not be laid off.

MUSEUM-GOING OPPORTUNITY! Unemployed Washingtonians, once you’ve picked all the meat off of the dead hands of tax-paying Americans, what are you going to do with your copious free time? Perhaps you should go see an exhibit at the Library of Congress, about political cartoons! Specifically, there’s a big display of Herblock cartoons over at the South Gallery on the 2nd Floor of the Thomas Jefferson Building,which we think … is in Washington, DC, maybe? Anyway, it covers the beloved cartoonist’s staggering 72-year career, featuring many cartoons from many eras, including the one below of Ronald Reagan Caspar Weinberger (CORRECTED: Sorry, your Comics Curmudgeon is too young to remember the mythical “Reagan era” very clearly) riding a giant space-dildo. Enjoy!