The Freedom Tray is America’s Favorite New War On Xmas Fad! Wonkette artistic contributor Lauri Apple made this beautiful representation of Jesus himself enjoying all the fruits of Amerikkka, in His own Laz-E-Boy porta potty. And legitimate newspaper the News-Observer has published a lovely history of the Freedom Tray, which was created by a team of nuclear physicists at Raleigh’s Research Triangle. The article features a discourse on ironic and un-ironic War On Xmas gifts, with quotes from your Wonkette editor. [News-Observer]
Jesus Is Wearing a Snuggie and Eating Nachos From a Freedom Tray
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That illustration, and the explanatory text, is just too much. Like eating two pounds of chocolate in one sitting. Of course, that may be what many USAmericans do with their Freedom tray while sitting on their La-Z-Boy porta potties.
Nice job getting quoted by the News-Observer, Ken! Also, the guy in the Triangle Town Center ad? Excruciatingly gay.
I plan to have this picture framed and sent to everyone on my Christmas list. Thanks Laurie for remembering the reason for the season.
To accompany your trip to the bathroom after enjoying a nice KFC Fried Lunch Bowl on your Freedom Tray:
http://www.amazon.com/Renova-Black-Toilet-Paper-pack/dp/B000OXOPF4
Jesus Christ, it can hold up to 80 lbs!
How is this different than a TV tray?
Is that hot sauce and a whole fish? “I put that shit on everything.”
The original “Shrouddie of Turin” was a Cheez Whiz-and-Slurpee-stained Slanket®.
Hi, Laurie!
Oh my god. This post JUST made me realize: the Snuggie is PERFECT for sitting on a toilet in polite company. The sleeves help it stay in place, the long front protects your modesty, and the open back allows your business end the freedom it needs.
I can actually see this happening. Within a few years, American families will gather in front of the TV while collectively taking a dump. 2012, people!
Jesus looks a bit glum. Perhaps he has been eagerly awaiting the start of Charlie Brown, only to see SOME MUSLIM GUY take over the screen?
The Freedom Vitter Changing Tray holds eighty pounds?
Hmmm…the inventor quit his job to do Freedom Trays© full time. In a few months that may not seem like such a good idea. “The hurdle is establishing a need for a product as ubiquitous as trays,” says the article’s author. Indeed! But the cheap patriotism* of putting a flag on something works, sometimes.
*Expensive patriotism is going to fight in Afghanistan for an E2′s pay.
[re=471985]hockeymom[/re]: It’s got more FREEDOM!
[re=471993]Extemporanus[/re]: And the Roman soldiers were equipped with the Ronco Scourge-o-Matic. (“Ever try torturing prisoners with an old-fashioned whip with nails through it? The mess — the fuss — the bother!”)
The Freedom Tray’s creator admits to being all-thumbs when it comes to mechanical assembly, and that the original “prototype” was fashioned out of a pizza box and duct tape.
Clearly, the mass-produced plastic/metal contraption on sale is but a pale imitation. We have yet to behold the true manifestation of this American ingenuity.
[re=472000]Godot[/re]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgDfd7GUQHs
80 pounds is a shitload of teabags.
[re=471984]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: That’s what struck me–80 lbs!! That’s good because my belly’s big and it’s growling!
Well, Ken, the challenge is out there. Have you tried it yet?
[re=471984]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Just read that! Now I have somewhere to put my teenaged Cambodian tranny!
Jonny Cannon is the only porn name for a guy who used to sell loading docks, amirite?
“Jonny Cannon is going for the as-seen-on-TV gold.
“The 47-year-old Raleigh entrepreneur quit his job as regional sales manager for a company that sells commercial loading docks at the end of last year to devote himself fulltime to his patent-pending creation, the Freedom Tray.”
So he’s gone from commercial loading docks to personal loading docks.
Now that’s what I call American exceptionalism!
Actually, America is excellent except for Boss BlunderRush, Sheer “Am I An Idiot?” InSannity, Glum Bleek, Ann Falter and the rest of that wing nutz posse.
[re=472008]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The Snuggie™ for Dogs is perfect for both Man’s best friend and Mankind’s special needs Savior!
Ken, I’m so proud of you!
Nachos? It’s Gefilte Fish n tabasco sauce. A fine south Nazareth local cuisine. Duh. Wonkett is racist .
That drawing: “Loaf; with fish.”
“Loafs and fishes” sounds like SkoalRebel. Or, “Oaf that fishes.”
[re=471984]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Speaking of Jesus, He’s Holy dandruff is falling all over South Austin right now.
Are there Wisemen for gift exchanges? If so, how many?
[re=472040]El Pinche[/re]: His Holy…, that Is.
[re=471984]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: In metric, that’s 1/4 Limbaugh.
[re=472006]V572625694[/re]: Think I’ll quit my job to invent the “Freedom Wheel.”
[re=472037]Flanders[/re]: If Ken is so influential why can’t he talk Juli into marrying Butterstick so Butterstick can stay in America?
What sad burgers! And the dry black beans in the dip bowl! I think Mayor Weissman will ban these as being just a little too ironic for Tennessee.
Nice that the article quoted you, Ken. It was one of the rare moments where you didn’t use the words feces or its derivatives.
[re=472040]El Pinche[/re]: “He’s Holy dandruff is falling all over South Austin right now.”
Here in God’s country (Cedar Park), some snow but mostly looks like someone just aired out their dryer lint screen.
Heh, the first comment on the News-Observer story is as succinct as it is polysemic. And Lauri Apple is Wonkett’s Rockwell.
No! Please! Not more bad karma for North Carolina!!!
There’s only one comment on the News-Observer story, and it consists of one word: “stupid”.
Pithy, but needs more buttsecks.
oh “intra-nets” you are Hi – Larious
80 pounds? Good thing he only had a pizza box. Otherwise, patriotic murkins might be waddling up to the ol’ Freedom Trough for Creditmas Dinner.
I’m amazed that article was able to find a comment that could be published in a family paper. Kudos!
My Wish List for Little Baby Jesus’s Bday:
A print of the Jesus Snuggie Freedom Tray
A print that Zombie Last Supper picture
A print of the Jesus Painting-Blood Redux
Please Santy Wonk – can you put up jpgs? Pleasiddy please?
Oh. I got the jpgs. Duh.
Nevermind.
Once again, you people are missing the Bigger Issue, to wit:
When, WHEN is Lauri Apple’s work going to be added to the National Gallery?
If necessary, we can make the necessary room by throwing out some of that degenerate French shitque.
OMG, Lauri!! The legs are not deployed!!
[re=471980]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: Am I the only one who checked out the black toilet paper on Amazon and got the following list of Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed:
Renova Green Toilet Paper [for those pea-soup-for-dinner-last-night mornings]
Guardian Angel [something that looks like a flesh-colored cactus potato - I haven't ventured to click on it yet]
Fresh Whole Rabbit
Does God Love Michael’s Two Daddies
Metal Vaginal Speculums, medium
The only problem with Snuggies is it’s a bit hard to wank in em.
Vince Shlomi, you know what to do.
That Jesus could stand to hit the gym a little more often.
The Freedom Tray is manufactured solely in Raleigh, NC. Most things that come from Raleigh are both bewildering and stupid. See North Carolina State.
I’m looking for a good War on Christmas wreath, but can’t find ANYTHING.
[re=472100]DiscoUkulele[/re]: I see an opportunity for an entrepreneur, here. I THOUGHT OF IT FIRST, FUCKWAD!!!!
[re=472063]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I thought Bastrop was Gawd’s Cuntry? Oh wait, that’s KKK country.
Chh, it’s not a loaf and a fish, it’s a beer and a fish.
[re=472099]GeneralLerong[/re]: Following the Amazon link from the black toilet paper the to Guardian Angel [$149 for some mysterious "healing" property...cough]
I got yet another potential list of holiday gifts:
Thou Shalt Not Love: What Evangelical Reall… ["y Think about The Turnip Problem," I'm guessing]
Novelty Yodeling Pickle
Wind-up Hopping Lederhosen
Bacon Flavored Mints
Poo Pen – Your Number 2 Pen!
Am I following the breadcrumbs through the internets left by an Archie McPhee addict?
That’s not my Jesus–that guy’s cross-eyed.
[re=471984]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: That’s where I stopped reading the article. All you ever need to know about this tray and the flag-wrapped overstuffed pork sausages that would buy and use this thing is that it can hold up to 80 fucking pounds.
But Layne allows the tray could be a success. “The perfect novelty gift can be either ironic or unironic,” he said.
Don’t mince the words, dude, say MORONIC
[re=472113]forgracie[/re]: No, no, no. Jesus of course has Meghan McCain eyes.
[re=472006]V572625694[/re]: First place to look for your new tray? Wal-Mart
Damn you all, I have to leave work now, I’m laughing too hard and they’re kicking me out….
It doubles as an air-hockey table.
http://freedomtray.com/index.html
Jesus is now a Telly-Tubby. Does this mean he is the gay one?
What is this commie stuff? Jesus should have a fish and a loaf, not a fish and a bottle of soy sauce.
The wonders of jet age plastic.Coming soon,stolen patent pending Red Chinese version at Wal-Mart.$9.97
[re=472152]Darkness[/re]: That’s hot sauce cuz he’s Messkin.
That’s Tabasco, sonny. Jesus is messican.
Is it just me, or does visualizing this line from the article make you want to retch?
Fast food and tailgating left their mark on the family car. Or, as Cannon explained it, you could scrape a three-course meal off the seats and floor boards.
You can also purchase these:
–The Anarchist Tray
–The Socialism Tray
–The Communist Tray
–The Wiccan Tray
–The Atheist Tray
–The Truth About American Homosexuality Tray
I know it’s not xmas yet, but this is at least the second appeal I’ve made to find a Laurie Apple painting under my non-denominational Bill O’Reilly tree. Maybe I haven’t been specific enough. To use the immortal words of John McCain, I want “THAT one.”
Jesus Christ, people, how can you not see that He is holding a Chinese carp and a bottle of poison?!
Or have you heathens all forgotten that the Messiah came unto us from Chicago?
I knew it! Jebus has an extra finger. And very freaky toes… if he was a kitten, I’d be really into him.
[re=471980]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: good gawd, is that a real Amazon page?
[re=472177]Extemporanus[/re]: “Or have you heathens all forgotten that the Messiah came unto us from Chicago?”
I once attended a rambling, nutty talk by the late Dr. Bronner (All-One-God! All-One-Soap! Dilute! OK!), in which he made that very claim.
Oh mah gad! That article quoted my comment from the original wonkette post! BUT, you’ll notice, they failed to properly attribute it to my profile— perhaps my name here, “Osama Bin Drinkin”, does not quite sound right for a southern newsrag. Should I write a letter of complaint and try to get a correction blurb to give ol OBD his propers?
I remember a couple years ago there was a media flurry of appreciation for a quote from SayItWithWookies urging Bush to give up Iraq for golf. Now I join the ranks of wonkette commenters in the MSM. Has anyone else seen something they wrote here wind up in a paper?
This is a big day for I, Osama Bin Drinkin. I plan to celebrate by driving around eating Arbys off my many freedom trays, which I will probably never actually get around to ordering online, this making me, and the News Observer, total liars, forever, the end.
[re=472141]DC Hates Me[/re]: Yep, freedom trays and bunker busters – “Made in America – Used Everywhere.”
“Cannon grew up in Kannapolis, where his parents worked for textile giant Pillowtex, which abruptly closed in 2003 and put thousands out of work.” Pillowtex of Kannopolis? This does not sound American — are we sure this guy isn’t Greek? (Are we sure he grew up?)
[re=472170]Human-Animal Hybrid[/re]: I threw up in my mouth a little when I read that.
Oh god. “Through Tuesday afternoon – the last time he tabulated the results – consumers had purchased 10,000 units – half of them in the prior week.” I haz a sad for my hometown. Is that really the best we can do?
[re=472278]blinky_twinkie[/re]: How do you think that three course meal got onto the seats and floorboards in the first place? Their family humvee is a rolling vomitorium.
Jesus was on Dr.Katz,who knew?
That pictures is not real-to-life, as Jesus H. Christ was a ill-nourished five-foot Jew. A more accurate representation would include him sitting on a Freedom Booster®.
[re=472218]osama bin drinkin[/re]: Congrats on your recognition!
Extemporaneous made it to the Daily Show not long ago.
This is merely the prelude to the REAL show-stoppers: The Freedom Feeding-Tube, The Freedom Slopbucket & The Freedom Trough!
[re=472642]Flanders[/re]: I DID?!?
Seriously? For what?
[re=472218]osama bin drinkin[/re]: Kudos, OBD!
[re=472642]Flanders[/re]: ?!!!
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