By the Comics Curmudgeon
Readers! Are you aware that each and every one of you are mortal, and will die? I know, pretty depressing, right? Even worse than the dying — which, by all accounts, doesn’t sound like any kind of picnic — is the fact that, by sheer chance of health or age, millions upon millions of unworthy chumps will outlive you! Sure, those jackholes will themselves die, eventually, but don’t you kind of resent them for getting to find out who wins the 2093 World Series or whatever when you won’t? I believe that this sort of resentment is exactly the psychological origin of the notion of the End Times, when not just you but everyone is killed by nuclear fire, or perhaps raptured up into the skies to be Judged by Our Lord. Such an important event has of course been studied in great detail by the most learned theological thinkers of our day (i.e., political cartoonists).
Click on the comics to make the more visible to thine sight!
As any student of the End Times will tell you, the coming of the apocalypse will be heralded by signs and portents. And as any foaming paranoid loony will tell you, the government knows about all these signs, man, and they’re hiding them because they know that if we know, we’d freak the fuck out. For instance! It’s a little known fact that each and every one of the astronauts we’ve sent into space since 1984 have come back to earth as terrifying plant-human hybrid monsters. (I think we’re all familiar enough with the prophecies in the Book of Habakkuk to recognize the implications of this.) These so-called “planimals” are generally hustled into the Oval Office for a brief presidential interrogation before being executed with weed killer. Fortunately, the government has not had to do much by way of covering these incidents up, since Americans more or less lost interest in space exploration after we kicked some Russkie ASS, on the moon, in the ’60s.
Nevertheless, our political leaders, having been tipped off, are doing their part to minimize the impact of the end of the world! Unfortunately, since Obama and his cabal of Muslim-atheist Chicago mobsters has taken over, there are very few government officials left with enough knowledge of the Bible to prepare in a theologically appropriate manner. Based on vague memories of episodes of Davey and Goliath that they watched in college, while high, they have chosen whatever defense contractor came up with the biggest kickback to build an Ark to save the best of our civilization. Unfortunately, the two American children they chose to be the new Adam and Eve were plump and extremely delicious looking, and were devoured by the assembled animals before the rains even started.
But, never mind this rain business; what most people want to know about the End Times is: Will the dead walk the earth, as angels, or zombies? Will our loved ones rise again so that we can yell at them like we used to? More importantly, will our favorite celebrities be revived, so we can finally get their autograph and/or force them to read that script treatment we wrote years ago? Nobody knows! But it’s best to keep wondering. For instance, literally the only thing keeping Texas in the Union is the fear that John Wayne will rise from the grave and wreak terrible vengeance upon them. Seriously! If not for terror of the shambling, mouldering corpse of The Duke, Texas would have been an independent country with its own nuclear arsenal 20 years ago.
Anyway, what will become of our beloved pets after the apocalypse? I mean, if Jesus comes back for His chosen, we’ve got that covered, but what if the end comes in searing atomic flame? The beloved movie classic A Boy And His Dog implied that our pets will be our faithful companions during the post-atomic horror, but in fact, as this image demonstrates, it’s more likely that they’ll just eat us, leaving bloodied watches and other bits of indigestible accessories scattered about the landscape.
Oh, and in case you’re still pissed about Terminator Salvation not including enough nuclear warfare and are wondering how our atomic destruction came about, this is how: robots. Giant gay cowboy/mullah robots, made out of phallic nuclear missiles, fighting each other, while ever so delicately mincing about on their pointy and incredibly impractical missile-feet. There. Are you happy? Do you feel like you know enough about this situation? Gay cowboy robots, I tell you.
So, yes: end of human civilization as we know it, whole cities going up in flames, mountains of corpses, humanity reduced to a stone age level, etc., etc. Among the stunned survivors, a legend is born: The Lady of the Bathtub, a magical faerie who, if you gently took the knife from her hand and kissed her, would arise and restore Health Care to everyone in the land! But nobody can bring themselves to do this, because her mouth is smack dab in the middle of her neck. GROSS.
{ 41 comments }
so terminator: salvation was meant to be nothing more than a remake of brokeback mountain except with robots?
now it makes more sense.
That ark one, I can appreciate how much time and effort the artist took in drawing each of those animals….but…..wtf, dude?
Ah, yes. Good ol’ Habakkuk. He would have fit right in with all of today’s charlatans and End-Timers.
Picard: After all, Number One, we’re only mortal.
Riker: Speak for yourself, sir. I plan to live forever.
It’s funny; I remembered the classic lion Voltron, the slightly less classic vehicle Voltron, and even the smaller robots Voltron that in the US only had toys and no cartoon. But I had completely forgotten about the missile Voltron.
Gay.
Cowboy.
Robots.
Oh my!
I kind of liked the ark one. Fat American white kids as lion munchies… Just can’t get enough of that sort of thing.
Neck mouths are creepy.
Holy 25-mega ton death, Batman! Doesn’t the USA gay robot know that probing your own ass with your LEFT HAND missile is insulting to Muslin missile robots?
These cartoons were far too incomprehensible to piss me off for a change.
[re=520633]Terry[/re]: I think Pat Oliphant has a folder of ready-made stock drawings and just drags one out if he’s low on ideas — the ark is definitely a recurring theme that would benefit from this approach. He also has a lot of pics of Congressmen standing on a ledge near the top of the Capitol dome waiting to be evacuated by helicopter, Saigon-style.
[re=520641]CrunchyKnee[/re]: Evolutionary advantage of the neck-mouth: you will never need a trachaeotomy. Evolutionary disadvantage — if you want to chew anything, you have to stuff it up your nose to get it anywhere near your teeth. Yeah, I’ll keep my mouth where it is.
Strange women lying in tubs, distributing rape…from a patent tracheostome…is no basis for a system of benefit.
My bff, here in the south, is a rabid, right-winger, and a follower of Harold Camping. I love her because she has many good qualities. She “got onto me” this morning over me telling her that she’d be covered by healthcare by 2013 or 2014. She, a poor republican, doesn’t have any healthcare. She told me to “stop”. She won’t be here past May 21, 2011. Beyond that, she is “praying” over the muslim president, who is out to destroy our country until May 21, 2011, at which point she believes she will be “raptured”. She believes the world is going to end on October 21, 2011.
Not funny, I know. I haz a sad this morning. Nothing I can say will convince her otherwise.
Nothing says “relevance” like Ramirez dragging out an almost-25-year-old cultural reference, drawing it in the shittiest way possible, and then expecting readers to understand it. FAIL.
[re=520656]Sleeves[/re]: It’s not that much worse than what we have now.
It’s funny, but it’s not. I’m watching a small business owner let her home, and her rental properties go into foreclosure, because she is a follower of Glenn Beck, FOX news, and Harold Camping. She and her husband have let their home and investments go, and have bought a 200K RV, and have taken their two daughters (15, and 18) and have headed for the hills to pan for gold, for the coming “crash” prior to the rapture on May 21, 2011. Further, they have bought multiple guns and ammunition, because Glenn Beck has convinced them that they need to prepare for defending themselves against the coming communist takeover.
When will it be time to shut down FOX and Glenn Beck? Anyone??? I can’t seem to talk sense into them. They don’t listen to anyone other than Glenn Beck!
[re=520657]OhPleeze[/re]: You have to set her straight. The world is going to end in 2012. They made a movie about it and everything.
[re=520651]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: But you know, that’s what made this a superbly sublime funny edition this week.
[re=520668]OhPleeze[/re]: I do wonder why Beck et al. are so obsessed with hoarding gold (besides the advertisements). Just like paper money, gold’s value comes because people treat it as valuable; it has no inherent worth, nor would it be particularly useful in the event of an apocalypse (the guns and ammo, however, would be).
Besides, everyone should know that bottlecaps will become the generally accepted currency in the post-apocalyptic wasteland.
[re=520668]OhPleeze[/re]: Hanging out with really stupid people makes me sad, too. Find some smarter friends.
(Yeah, yeah, I know. You live in the South…)
[re=520685]JMP[/re]:
Besides, everyone should know that bottlecaps will become the generally accepted currency in the post-apocalyptic wasteland.
Especially the ones from Haffenreffer 40′s!
Stayskal: What is this, Twitter dialog? I’d like to buy a “the.”
So, eating wristwatches gives dogs atomic flatulence?
[re=520668]OhPleeze[/re]: Now I’m curious: Why May 21, 2011???
[re=520668]OhPleeze[/re]: We have nothing to fear but fear itself. So, I’m concerned about the self fulfilling propecy aspect of it all. I know what you are saying. I keep running into seemingly normal people who are batshit crazy. I went to a lecture a few years ago. The presenter was a biologist who was trying to prove that the human race is slowly developing into two separate species. It was all based on studies showing that there is a growing number of people who have an enlarged part of the brain that does the reacting without analyzing stuff like throwing spears at mastadons or killing first and asking questions later. The really primitive stuff. Weird.
[re=520703]Surfeit O[/re]: I was curious too — here’s an explanation, if you’re ready for the flood of utter nonsense that is on the page:
http://www.ebiblefellowship.com/may21/index.html
And nevermind that Jesus says, in the Olivet Discourse, that you will know neither the hour nor the day — or that that Camping fellow, IIRC, has been wrong several times in the past. Most prophets learn, after a few failures, to predict the end of the world at a sufficiently advanced date that they won’t be alive for the reckoning.
Glenn Beck does more harm than any uneducated pundit I’ve ever seen! I would normally laugh at the rubes that follow this blithering idiot, but I’m watching, personally, a good family throw everything away. I’ve cried this morning over it.
I’m back to laughing now, because there is nothing…ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that I can do to dissuade them from their idiocy. They will do as they choose. They are hellbent on following a cult-leader (Harold Camping) and Beck to their financial graves. But I will go on.
Simply amazing, isn’t it, the legs on the notion that The End is Nigh, But We, the True Believers, Will Be Saved. So appealing!
My favorite passage from Mistakes Were Made, But Not by Me:
“Half a century ago, a young social psychologist … infiltrated a group of people who believed the world would end on December 21. … The group’s leader … promised that the faithful would be picked up by a flying saucer and elevated to safety at midnight on December 20. Many of her followers quit their jobs, gave away their homes, and dispersed their savings, waiting for the end. Who needs money in outer space? Others waited in fear or resignation in their homes. [The ringleader's] own husband, a nonbeliever, went to bed early and slept soundly through the night as his wife and her followers prayed in the living room. … At midnight, with no sign of a spaceship in the yard, the group felt a little nervous. By 2 A.M., they were getting seriously worried. at 4:45 A.M. [the ringleader] had a new vision: The world had been spared, she said, because of the impressive faith of her little band.”
Cognitive dissonance – the concept should be taught starting in kindergarten.
Death Panels for Cement Heads – so tempting.
Surfeit O’ (your reply thingy didn’t work): This is why the 5/21/2011 date:
http://www.ebiblefellowship.com/
Harold Camping is a government funded sheister. It is WAY beyond time that we ended tax-exempt status to “churches”. Harold Camping owns FAMILY RADIO. He collects about 120 million a year, tax exempt, to spout his cult over the airways.
[re=520743]OhPleeze[/re]: It is truly OBSCENE the money that organized religion rakes in.
In the ark picture, the humans should be the same sex, so then we could count on gayness dying out from the face of the earth because there’d be no straight couples around to . . . hang on, I’ve almost got this one figured out . . .
Meanwhile, Glenn Close is made up of 2,076 incomprehensible pages? (Because they’re Closely-typed pages?) Spooky!
And if your eye got poked out in this life
Would it be waiting up in heaven with your wife?
[re=520723]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I am no longer suprised by the number of people who believe some yahoo preacher over the Lord and Savior himself.
[re=520723]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Teh mathz r too hard.
Thank To-Whom-It-May-Concern I never heard of Camping before– except for, like, the kind where guys wear stilletos and lip-sync Beyonce in horrible wigs.
Obscure post-apocalyptic Don Johnson movies for the win!
The first cartoon is very “Night of the Triffids”. Don’t look at the sun, Mr. President! Avert your eyes, lest (in the remake, anyway) Eddie Izzard become the new ruler of the free world!
“Nuclear Watch Dog” is the most horribly obvious unfunny cartoon I’ve seen on these pages in weeks. See? BECAUSE HE HAS WATCHES AND IS A DOG! God, and I complained about the Lewinsky cartoon last week.
A black man in charge of the modern GOP?
That has “Sign Of The Apocalpyse” written all over it.
I’m glad I built that underground shelter for the Y2K crisis, now.
Does anyone else think the Iranian in that nuclear war cartoon looks a little like Popeye? And by a little bit, I mean a lot? Has our beloved spinach-eating American icon converted to Islam? Gasp.
Damn, I want some of the drugs that Lisa-the-retarded-cartoonist takes.
Or maybe I don’t.
I’ve done some serious psychedelics in my time, and that chick is operating somewhere beyond my most fucked up trips.
Texas, of course, would have a nuke-u-lar arsenal.
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