Traffic on Wonkette seems unusually light today. Did the Corey Haim news just suck all the snark out of the room?

[re=527833]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Likewise, I’m glad to know I’m not the only one afraid of both Sputnik and Mexicans.

Ken, or should I call you “Cecil,” the controlling authority on the duty to disclose human remains in the backyard would be a case from South Jersey in the 1980s, the seller of the home had murdered his wife and buried her in the backyard, then poured a concrete patio over the grave. He then sold the house, failing to disclose the presence of his wife’s body. The police, in the course of investigating the wife’s disappearance, found the body, to the dismay of the new owner. The new owner sued the seller, but as is so often the case, incarcerated criminals have no assets from which to recover any damages. In these cases, lawyers strive mightily to come up with some rarified theory which will somehow place the blame, or at least the obligation to pay, on someone, anyone, who has money. In this case, it was the title insurance company. The Buyer’s attorney argued that the body in the backyard was an impairment to the title to the property; this is all too wierd, but you see, a dead body is not “property,” and in fact, a dead body has “rights,” one being the right to rest in peace, really, thats why you cannot dig one up without a court order. Thus, since the body had this limited “right” to be in its hole in the backyard, this was an impairment of title, and the title company had to pay, for what, I don’t know.

Southern New Jersey is a creepy place, and the courts often have to consider strange cases; my very favorite case is the one in which the Cape May County judge held that it was appropriate to retroactively dissolve an adoption. You see, it was necessary in the circumstances. The circumstanes were that the adoptive father had impregnated his adoptive daughter, and they could not get married if they were still legally father and daughter. Thinking of the welfare of their child, the judge felt that it was justified to retroactively dissolve the adoption, so that they father and daughter could get married and legitimize their child. The child will be able to brag at cocktail parties, forever, that his sister is his mother and his father is his grandfather, thats priceless, don’t you think?

[re=527846]Prommie[/re]: Jesus Christ, Prommie. That’s some weird shit.

[re=527846]Prommie[/re]: I thought the Woody Allen case took place in NYC.

I’m not a lawyer and I don’t play one on TeeVee. The correct answer is to have a garage sale and see how much you can get for the can sans the dead people dust of course.

Your Welcome.

Mr. Layne:

Is it socially and politically acceptable to tickle male staff members at parties?

Thank you for your prompt reply.

–E. Massa, Washington, D.C.

Sexting is a terrible affliction. One should have sex with their casual acquaintances the way God intended, on Second Life.

Also, who is Corey Haim, and can I have sex with a Corey Haim avatar? Like, right now, I mean, at work.

[re=527876]thefrontpage[/re]: To tickle staff members, or to tickle the staffs of staff members, or to tickle the members of staff members? God that was fun.

@thefrontpage: Now I understand why he’s melancholy.

[re=527882]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Oh, and both Coreys were frequent guests at Neverland back when they were young teen stars; only to be replaced by Macauly Culkin after they got too old.

Despite the best efforts of the Big Three, the laws regarding human remains differ from State to State, and indeed from jurisdiction to jurisdiction (as far as you’re concerned, peasant).

Two things are fairly certain: exhumation is a giant pain, even if you’re a Kennedy with portraits of Madison spilling out of your pockets, UNLESS the D.A. gets a bug up his ass, in which case, WHOOSH comes the coffin out of the ground like that movie Poltergeist; and also, transportation of remains from one hole to another costs two arms and three legs, and if you have to ask which bill has Madison’s portrait on it, you’re better off leaving things where they are, i.e., bills spilling out of your pockets will only make things more unpleasant for everyone, starting with you.

I am a lawyer (and I’ve played one on the radio). In New York you would have to disclose it if the house was haunted by the deceased it says in the case of Stambovsky v. Ackley found at http://scholar.google.com/scholar_case?case=3290684836490834623&q=stambovsky+ackley&hl=en&as_sdt=20000000002.

[re=527841]JMP[/re]: [re=527855]anonymousryan[/re]: “Allegory,” “Morning glory,” and “inventory” don’t actually rhyme with “Corey.” The rule for rhymes is that the stressed vowel and everything that follows it must be the same; since the emphases in those are “ALLegory,” “MORning glory,” and “INventory,” respectively, they technically form only limp-dick half-rhymes with “CORey” (but nice, full rhymes with “Callegory,” “Corning glory,” and “Kinventory”).

It’s the same reason “orange” doesn’t rhyme with “syringe.”

You can thank me later.

[re=527934]supremecourtjester[/re]: “…in his pursuit of a legal remedy for fraudulent misrepresentation against the seller, plaintiff hasn’t a ghost of a chance, I am nevertheless moved by the spirit of equity to allow the buyer…”

Ah, the famed legal sense of humor.

[re=527955]Ken Layne[/re]: Perhaps granny would be honored by filling the cracks in bathroom tile. I suppose it depends on her view of life or the lack thereof: the difference between the quicklime and the dead.

[re=527955]Ken Layne[/re]: Excellent example of why it’s crucial to label containers before putting them in storage. “Ashes: 1995 Independence Day B-B-Q.” “Ashes: Mortgage Paperwork, Upon Final Payment.” “Ashes: Maternal Grandmother (Human).” You know how it is, opening a zillion cardboard boxes and being surprised every single time.

Did you hear the one about the hospice SUV with a dozen jars of cremains in the cargo area, and the giant male nurse at the wheel took a turn a little too sharply, and there was a quiet tinkle of glass at the rear of the vehicle? No? Just as well. Good times, good times. Tip: do switch off the A/C immediately. It’s respectful.

True story. I knew a couple back in Texas who moved into a rental house and found a duffle bag full of human bones jammed up the chimney. In that case, they called the cops. Seemed like the thing to do, yeah, sure did.

Two cremation stories.

As a young man, my dad drove with a friend from NY to NC. Careering around the windy Western NC mountain roads, my dad finally asked what was in the box that was skittering back and forth on that place in front of the back window.

“Oh, it’s my aunt.”

Story two: When my widowed neighbor sold her house, the buyers asked: Is that a pet’s grave?

“Yes,” my she lied.