TIGER WOODS ALSO BONING ARI FLEISCHER: America’s Productive Economy: “Two sources in the golf community have told The Post that Ari Fleischer, the former presidential advisor to George W. Bush and the man who was brought in to help repair the steroid-shattered image of Mark McGwire, has been huddling with Woods, plotting a strategy for his return to golf — at the Arnold Palmer Invitational starting March 25 at Bay Hill in Orlando.” What strategy? Doesn’t he just sign up and play golf? There’s no need for firecrackers and kick-the-can on an aircraft carrier. (Maybe.) [NY Post]
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Authors
Wonkette Jr. (623)
Kirsten Boyd Johnson (796)
Jim Newell (5418)
Kaia Mursi (43)
Garrett Quinn (13)
Liz Colville (94)
Ken Layne (6695)
Blair Burke (170)
Matt Langer (40)
Arielle Fleisher (385)
{ 63 comments }
I’ve refrained from commenting on the Tiger Woods thingy until now because of its sheer irrelevance to my existence. But he’s now officially a douchebag.
Haven’t you heard? Tiger is responsible for the cratering of the global economy which is directly linked to his image. Wait, or is it directly linked to his penis? Anyway, if they don’t do this right,… socialism.
With Fleisher handling PR, his strategy will be to declare that he’s winning every tournament, even when he’s losing by 12 points. (Or whatever a bad margin would be; I don’t really know anything about golf.)
Actually Ari is just curious as to the difference between a mashie and a niblick, because they don’t teach that sort of thing at Jew school.
oh christ is “kick-the-can on an aircraft carrier” another urban gay sex thing we are gonna have to get shoved down our throats for the next month?
Ari’s intro: “So you screwed a few dozen hookers, Tigers? No problem. I worked for a guy who screwed millions!”
Oh goody. This definitely means Tiger has officially repudiated Brit Hume’s kind invitation to turn to Jeebus.
Wow, so thats why I no longer think of Mark McGwire (ever notice he can’t even spell his name? It should be “McGuire”) as a musclehead ‘roid dick cheating fuckwad.
DEAR BABY JESUS, Tiger – LEAVE US BE!!!!! If you want to fling your shit from the Seven Mile bridge, WE NO LONGER CARE – YOU ARE LAST YEAR’S NEWS. We have moved on to the non Muslin/Muslin lady and gayer than gay politicians, for fuck’s sake!
Here’s Ari’s advice: “Launch a few missiles over the water, doglegging to the right into Iran. Then drop a couple of bogeys and head back home to the clubhouse.”
[re=528668]Mr Blifil[/re]: Wait until Ari & Tiger find out about restrictive covenants. Hee hee. But don’t worry, Ben Nelson will be there to make things right with a glue gun and some white-out.
I look forward to Tiger leaving sex rehab with a “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” sign in the background.
I thought lying about everything was what got Tiger into this mess.
Does this mean that Tiger Woods will be bombing Iran or his wife? Please clarify.
[re=528674]Prommie[/re]: It’s not really fair to say McGwire cheated, though; when you’re using a performance-enhancing substance that’s also being used by every single other person who plays your sport, the playing field is level.
[re=528686]JMP[/re]: But “musclehead ‘roid dick fuckwad” still apply.
Sigh. Poor, well-intentioned, innocent, uninformed, libtard Jim. Of course Tiger does not just sign up and play golf. From now on, he must spread ‘em, genuflect and cry, all at the same time, on camera, before real Murrikans will allow him to entertain us again.
You libtards are so adorable with your equal rights, right to privacy, and more important things to think about crazy ideas. (tickle, tickle, tickle)
Wait, this knucklenut advised McGwire, well then, that explains how well McGwire did in his Costis interview. Snivelling towards Cooperstown…”OK, I took steroids, but they didn’t help”….sniffle, sniffle.
Albeit, Tiger used to have Buick as a sponsor.
Tiger, Tiger, Tiger…fuck all the porn stars, hookers, underwear models and groupies you want. Associating with this sucker of cockroach penis, however, will not do your reputation any good.
Does he not yet realize that he really needs Bagger Vance? Or is that too much Negro on Negro action for him, I wonder?
I have first-um, hand reports that Tiger is packing a 9-iron. That should get him pretty close to the hole.
/bababooey
Geez, whatever happened to Brittany Spears? Sarah Palin? And that guy from the TV show?
[re=528689]GoinGreen[/re]: Well, yeah; but it’s easier to just say “baseball player”, which means the same thing.
They’ve been huddling, and snorkling, and spooning, and straightening Ari’s skank wig, and putting, and teeing and tickling and teabagging. Tiger’s almost ready to get back out there.
I follow golf and Tiger pretty closely and there has been periodic speculation over the years by golf writers as to whether Tiger is Republican or Democrat. Naturally most assumed that with his Dad’s military background and his own millions of dollars he probably leaned toward the Republican side. And now Tiger’s political stripes have been revealed. By choosing Fleischer as his image consultant he’s indicating that, despite his prodigious talents and libido, Tiger is, like our former President, just another dumb-ass.
[re=528666]JMP[/re]: See, that’s the thing. In golf, they keep score in “strokes.”. Tiger was just practicing. Really.
I hear he’s going to start by inventing a drink named after Tiger, ala Arnie Palmer. This one will have some alcohol in it though. It’ll go down easier than 9 gold diggers but you’ll wake up feeling like your wife beat you with a 9 iron.
There may be no need for an aircraft carrier photo-op but I wouldn’t be surprised if Nike is fitting Tiger for a very special return-to-competition cod piece. In an appropriately small “repentance” size, of course.
[re=528714]Ruhe[/re]: well, seriously, who would hire Fleischer as an image consultant? Even Scott McClelland was more believable.
Since nobody has yet made this observation, I just want to point out that whenever Tiger does have the chutzpah (thanks Ari!) to step out on the greens a couple dozen feet from hundreds of golf fanatics with race/sexual repression issues, the heckling will be fucking epic.
Erm, Jim, shouldn’t your headline read “Ari Fleischer docking Tiger Woods”? Because of circumcision, is all.
What’s a “tiger wood”?
What’s “kicking the can down the aircraft carrier?”
For fucks sake people, can’t we just say “blow job” and be done with it? Do you know how much time we waste on that crappy “Urban Dictionary” site?
Probably his main task it to make sure Tiger isn’t backed up and looking to wander.
[re=528721]Gopherit[/re]: Well, wait a minute. Maybe he didn’t “hire” him. Maybe Ari knows something about Tiger, and this is extortion. Next thing you know, we’ll start hearing rumors that Tiger’s not a Christian or that he’s biracial or something, God forbid, worse. [shudder]
Ari Fleischer is just G_d’s way of telling Tiger he has waaaaaaay too much money.
Hey, if you need a liar, hire a pro. Everyone knows that.
[re=528714]Ruhe[/re]: It’s just economics really. From Tiger’s point of view, paying taxes uses money that would otherwise be used to manufacture an awesome strap-on fuckfest presided over by 4 rubber-clad stripper pole queens. What a waste to have that money spent on piffle like food stamp programs or education initiatives. After all, are the people who are the intended targets of such programs really capable of being appreciative? Food for thought. Now watch this drive…
[re=528722]Mr Blifil[/re]: Get in the hole!
I can’t wait for the rumors about Phil Mickelson possessing weapons of mass destruction start.
[re=528721]Gopherit[/re]: You go on a PR war with the slimy flack you have—not the slimy flack you might want or wish to have at a later time.
Puts.
Srsly, this makes me loath tiger about 25x more than boning a room full white girl next door whores. God, there is nothing left to love in this world!
Oh, I get it; you’re just trying to make Andrew (Fuck All Night) Sullivan jealous!
[re=528672]Katydid[/re]: Oh, thank you for the bright side. I didn’t know how badly I needed one until I read yours.
[re=528682]4tehlulz[/re]: “EMISSION ACCOMPLISHED”?
[re=528728]dijetlo[/re]: we can even abbreviate it as “BJ.” Last night I saw on some site they were using the urban dictionary definition of snorkel as
This maneuver is performed by placing your testicles over the eyes of your partner, forming a mask. Then the breathing apparatus is formed by placing the end of your penis into the receiver’s mouth. This maneuver if preferably performed in water(bath tub, hot tub, pool etc.).
Jesus, why on earth would anyone think that Massa was pulling down someone’s pants to do THAT and not just blow him? Have we all lost our fucking minds?
[re=528686]JMP[/re]: Ruth’s and Maris’s ghosts have a question about that playing field you mentioned.
[re=528718]Gopherit[/re]: the “par 5 gold digger” is an awesome name for a drink.
[re=528666]JMP[/re]: In golf they aren’t called points, but strokes. But maybe points is better.
[re=528733]Oldskool[/re]: But Tiger is already known for making a play off a very bad lie.
/badda boom!
[re=528739]FMA[/re]: “Swing clubs!”
A few years ago, on a bus in Pittsburgh, a 300-pound woman wearing bright purple, whose eyes kept rolling back into her head, tried to convince me that “Bald Ari” was actually running the entire government and President Bush was merely HIS spokesperson. Maybe she was right.
[re=528722]Mr Blifil[/re]: That was my sister you piece of shit!!
[re=528775]Darkness[/re]: True, they used different performance-enhancing drugs back in those days; primarily amphetamines and cocaine.
Perhaps all pro athletes should be assigned full-time professional “grandmothers” to keep them in line. My mother-in-law and her friends are available for slaps up side the head 24/7.
Ari should just have him fly over the tournament in Air Force 1.
[re=528728]dijetlo[/re]: Dude, that’s funny.
[re=528734]Mr Blifil[/re]:The strap-on fuckfest you mention gets me to thinking that maybe Tiger brought in Fleischer because Ari has so much experience with riding down complete train wrecks. One of Tiger’s ladies is apparently going to peg him as “bi-curious” in her upcoming tell-all.
Why do you have a picture of a human/rat hybrid for this story?
[re=528864]Come here a minute[/re]: I think they’ve all jumped the Tilikum.
The strategy to be discussed is how to line up all that Grade A white meat poontang. Stupids.
[re=528686]JMP[/re]: [re=528775]Darkness[/re]: Yeah, “level playing field” is pertinent, because not everyone was using cheater drugs. Even at their height of popularity, only about 1/2 of the baseballers were using.
Now, on the other hand, in the NFL…
[re=528728]dijetlo[/re]: What’s a tiger wood? A Dick.
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