FEED ME: Today is Wonkette editor Jim Newell’s birthday, so give him some money, thank you.
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Authors
Kirsten Boyd Johnson (800)
Jim Newell (5429)
Wonkette Jr. (626)
Liz Colville (96)
Blair Burke (171)
Kaia Mursi (44)
Garrett Quinn (13)
Ken Layne (6695)
Matt Langer (40)
Arielle Fleisher (385)
{ 94 comments }
DRINK
Heck yes, I’ll contibute to the birfday fund, Jimmy, what’s your PayPal address. Seriously, I think I owe you a tenner, and one of my best investments in internet amusement.
Well, happy birthday to you!!
The saddest party in the Senate. I sincerely hope your birthday is better than *that*
Either way, drink.
i gave all my money to barry and the obamites, but for you, at absolutely no charge, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Oh, and if I’d had notice, I would have gotten you a very nice trailer home, only slightly used.
Jim, is your party B.Y.O.B.O.F.T.XXX.P.?
It didn’t say on the invitation.
Happy birthday, Jim. Here’s a $10 gift certificate for the Best Buy. Now when are you going to settle down and make me some grandchildren?
[re=529841]Doglessliberal[/re]: Indian giver!
Happy Birthday, Jim! If you were here, I would SO be snorkeling you right now!
Like I said, Jim, you can pick up your “special gift” anytime. RROWR!
Happy B-Day ginger man. A meal @ 5Guys on me. Seriously. Where do I send money?
I’ll by a drink for Jim as soon as I get to the bar. Hmm, but chances are slim-to-none that he’ll be in the same bar; so I’ll have to just drink it for him.
[re=529839]comicbookguy[/re]: If he sat home alone nursing a glass of cheap wine while wearing a Snuggie and watching a “Beaches” marathon, his birthday party wouldn’t be as sad a that one.
*Ahem*
An Appreciation, in Verse:
We thank your father for sharing his sperm
We thank your mother for going full-term
For if she had gone the back-alley way
This would be just another day.
Merry birthday, Mr. Jim Newell.
Git lit!!!!!
[re=529856]nappyduggs[/re]: That is so touching! You sentimental ol’ silly.
email me some internet cake, plz.
Happy birthday! What number do I fax the cash to?
Thank you people. Just throw your money at the computer screen over my comments, and it should transmit — isn’t that “faxing”?
I have a terrible cold. Hooray for excuses! Birthdays are too much pressure.
[re=529856]nappyduggs[/re]:
“Here’s to Jim, He’s a hell of a pal
He’s every gals’ guy and every guy’s gal
He’s a prince, he’s a scholar
He can sing, he can dance
And he frightens the horses
When he lowers his pants”
[/lifted from PJ O'Rourke]
Happy birthday, Jim! I’ll email you some brownies.
From today’s LA Times op-ed page:
“Today’s birthday (March 12): You are so productive through the next 10 weeks that you’ll finish a big project in a fraction of the time it usually takes others. You’ll make yourself over in April and ‘wow’ the one whose opinion matters most. Virgo and Leo people adore you. Lucky numbers are 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42.”
[re=529855]Joshua Norton[/re]: Don’t forget the Freedom Tray!
It’s your birthday! Where’s the tickle party? Everyone bring your snorkel and we can all massa-bate!
I hope your fellow editors buy you a seemingly chance encounter, leading to a weekend in heaven with Carla Bruni.
you’ll finish a big project in a fraction of the time it usually takes others.
Which will gain you a mumbled “good job” from the boss, then become your new productivity baseline.
No, no, I’m not bitter about anything, nuh uh.
Hope you got the percocets I emailed to you…
Happy birf-day, Jim.
I thought I felt the earth tremble. Happy Birthday, Jim. May the anniversary of your birth be as wet and sticky as the actual event.
Happy birthday, you old grump. You know, don’t you, that pneumonia is the Old Man’s Friend?
Celebrate when you whup those cold viruses and can drink and taste it as well as get woozy.
Well, she’s not Carla Bruni, but she’ll have to do.
Happy Birthday, ya big lib!
[re=529867]Jim Newell[/re]: I stuck your money in that slide-out tray thing in the computer that looks like a coffee-cup holder, did you get it?
[re=529867]Jim Newell[/re]:
Actually now that I think about it, I’d like to see your long form birf certificate before sending monies.
WARE IZ YER BERF CERTIFIKATE KNEW-El??!1?!?!1?!?!?
Awww, how cute. You think wonketteers still have money, somehow, hidden away in our cardboard boxes/houses.
I mean, you think we have some leftover after buying booze, that we hide in our cardboard shacks. But hell, we’ll share the booze with you Jim! We’ll put it in the mail!
Congrats on getting through 2009, Jim. And thanks to all for an oasis of insanity and snark in a world filled with hypocrisy, inhumanity and pain.
[re=529875]progressiveinga[/re]: That’s only for a 50th birthday party, silly. Just groping. If there were a tickle party, what would the big guy have to look forward to?
I spent all my money on the quaaludes and Wonkette subscription after kenlain@wonkette.hahasuckerz.cn sent me an email offering both.
Dear Sir:
If you would please provide to me your bank account numbers, I would be only too pleased to transfer to you 50,000$USD for to aid your celebrations.
–Mrs. Reginald M., Lagos, Nigeria
JIM! Its my birthday too..We Share it with Jake Tapper…..and some guy named James Taylor. Have a good one.
[re=529918]The Silver Fox[/re]: Oh, I thought he hit the big five-o years ago. My bad. Dude needs to take better care of himself.
Happy birthday, Jim. I’ve got about 30 (hint: it’s actually 7) Ameros hidden in various places on/in my body just waiting for you to claim them.
But where’s his bird certificate to show it’s for real?!? Seriously, drink, drink, drink, and thanks for the great work.
Happy, happy Jim! It’s my b-day too! I shall have an extra libation tonight in celebration. Spike your Nyquil!
Don’t start drinking too much too soon. Save yourself for St. Patrick’s day.
I’d email Layne to give you a pay raise, but its a recession n’ all and he’s probably lost in the Mojave desert as we speak. Happy Day!
[re=529870]Extemporanus[/re]: Oh noes, not The Numbers!!! I heard that in Jim’s flash-sideways he’s really Naked Bunny With A Whip! (with apologies to Naked, but somebody had to go there!)
But seriously, sorry to hear you be illin’, Jimbo. Guess that means you’ll have to cancel tonight’s drunken tickle party with Eric Massa.
Get ready for the action.
Hopefully this lil earworm will sneak in and implant.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wkOmCCX-ybI
This song + birthday-related drinking = dignity AWOL
Jim, Jim, Jim….,
You know you don’t get the money until after you get in the hot tub.
Still, Happy Birthday! I’m sure the Late Night Shotz party in your honor will be amazing.
WOOT! HAPPY HAPPY, JIM!
You saved my life, man, a whole bunch of times — my inner life — so here’s looking at you, kid.
I’m so glad I now have an excuse for drinking today! Thanks, Jim, and Happy Birthday!
For the cold~ a jigger of whiskey in some dr. pepper and warmed in the microwave will do you wonders (it tastes pretty good, too).
Happy Birthday Mr Newell! Knowing that you have a birthday makes you seem almost human.
Since you’re not taking money here’s a link.
Enjoy.
http://products.aarp.org/aarp_discounts/?cmp=KNC-ASI-SEM-DIS-G
MG
Hawaiian pizza party and cake waiting for you – right off of Rt. 66, Exit 31. Love you, Jim.
Happy birthday!
Happy B-day…we know this the second biggest day of the year for you (first being Peggy Noonan’s birthday).
*pours out dos equis* This one’s for you homie.
Hahahahahaha
You and Mittens share the same birthday:
http://www.biography.com/articles/Mitt-Romney-241055
..except you can get new under pantaloons as gifts.
You are just so darling! We here at 102415 are hoping you make it to 27. Happy birthday!
[re=529876]WadISay[/re]: Personally, I’d try to resist the temptation to sleep with any woman whose husband has nuclear weapons.
Happy Birthday, Jim!
Happy Birthday, Jim! I made you some monies but i eated it.
OK, Red, I’ll buy your drinks the next time I’m in DC (May 10-16). Just name your watering hole.
Happy Birthday, Jim. You are a light for Frodo, when all other lights go out. Sorry I don’t have any money.
Happy birthday duder!
[re=529867]Jim Newell[/re]: Coedine cough syrup, on the way! It’s the least I could do to share.
Happy birthday! And your cat likes you too, so curl up with a ginger hotwater bottle and a hot toddy.
Happy whatev, hippie scum. Now go fornicate yourself.
http://tinyurl.com/yb9nqa3
[re=530000]Lazy Media[/re]: I can be there then! Anyone else? Or is this a special Lazy Media-Jim nuzzling event?
Happy birthday Jim. I will give money in honor of this important day to that lady who is running agianst Bart Stupak.
I have sent you assorted tea bags, rock salt, back wax, and a birthday card in the form of an upside-down fax.
This is how we celebrate birthdays in America and it always has been, since Benjamin Franklin invented the birthday in his Almanack.
Best!
http://bln.gs/b/1sqr3o
Happy Birthday, Dooood!
[re=530024]S.Luggo[/re]: They remembered our Jim — those PUMAs are really pussycats underneath. No, don’t look.
Happy Bday Jim. Thanks for a million laughs. For your birthday I will give a lengthy quote from one of my favorite scenes. David Goodis, Black Friday:
“But later of course it was pretending again when in bed with Frieda. Somehow it was easier than it had been in the afternoon, but that was due to the darkness of the room, in the afternoon the daylight factor had handicapped him because every now and then she wanted him to look at her. Now in the dark she couldn’t ask him to do that , except at one point she murmured maybe they ought to switch on the lamp. He didn’t say anything, but kept her too busy to execute the idea.
The sighs that came from his lips were sheer pleasure. But if she’d switched on the lamp and seen the look on his face it would have gone bad, because the look on his face was the tight-wrinkled grimace of doing something extremely unpleasant. There was no way to rub off the grimace; it would stay there just as long as the ordeal went on, the hammering ordeal of feeling the insistency of her fat arms around him, her gasping and moaning that was inexhaustible. From time to time he’d wonder what the clock showed. Its illuminated face was on the table across the room but he couldn’t even turn his head to look, she was holding him that tightly.
Yet all at once she loosened her hold and mumbled, “Cigarette,” and he rolled away from her, an almost frenzied motion like a fish rolling out from a loosened net. The cigarettes and matches were on the floor and as he reached down blindly he almost fell out of the bed.”
I hope you like your present, I spent like 15 minutes drunk typing it.
[re=530028]SayItWithWookies[/re]:
Do not the PUMAs pre-judge. In a larger context, there is much in balance to be decided regarding the use or non-use of a molten paraffin depilatory on certain body aspects. E,g,: http://tinyurl.com/yfa8wwh
[re=530033]FlipOffResearch[/re]:
But later of course, it was pretending again when in bed with Lady Nooningville of Peggyington. … Yet all at once she loosened her hold and mumbled, “Newell, … Bombay and Darvon, straight up, no ice, me sweet ginger … and feed the fucking parrot.”
Who cares!!! My boyfriend thinks the same with me. He- is eight years older than me, lol. We met online at an age gap dating site- A_ge_m_in_gle @ c.o.m a nice and free place for Younger- Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to- interact with each other. Maybe you wanna check out or- tell your friends.
Have I been completely misunderstanding “tips@wonkette.com” all this time??
Wonkette, you are broken. Why can I only comment on random articles? Fuck.
Also, after yesterday’s clusterfucking disaster in Texas re: board of education, I must move to a different, better country. I know we are supposed to stay and fight the good fight but I think the fight is over and they’ve won and they can fucking have it. Is it too early to drink?
[re=530062]Darkness[/re]: It has something to do with circumcision.
Happy belated birthday, hippy. I dedicate this morning’s hangover to you, and look forward to more just like it. Get weller.
Birthday, Smirthday. I’ve had a lot of them and the only thing
I get is older.
Many happy returns, whippersnapper.
What the fuck is going on? We’re celebrating a ginger’s existence?!?
Well, i guess if it’s Wonkette’s own Jim Newell, we can make an exception.
In your honor, I sent a backward fax to my Congressman that says: “MOAR PUBIC OPTION OR I WILL CONSIDER VOTING AGAINST YOU IN THE NEXT ELECTION.”
[re=530081]assistant/atlas[/re]: “What the fuck is going on? We’re celebrating a ginger’s existence?!?”
Indeed! Especially a Ginger who hasn’t yet sent me a Birthday/Tickle Party Invitation? Isn’t it Kick A Ginger Day yet?
Happy Birthday, Jim! I’m putting solid gold trucknutz on your car … in my mind.
Your fellow Piscean, Jukesgrrl
PS: They say we’re the most “unworldly” sign in the Zodiac. That’s my excuse for being a hobo. Feel free to use it as an explanation for your employment.
Jim, I am totally flashing you right now. I need to lose about 20 lbs., but I promise, I have a kickin’ rack.
You know how each chain restaurant has a mangled version of “Happy Birthday” that they sing to the customers willing to embarrass family members and pay for frozen cake? I’m singing one like that to you right now, but it is hideous and involves dressing and acting like Bob from Twin Peaks while dancing and singing backwards like the short guy in the red-draped room.
Happy Day!
A-ha! Now I have something to blame today’s hangover on. Happy b-day, Newell.
Ow.
Happy day, a day late, because I tried to fax you a cake and then spent the rest of the day trying clean out my scanner.It’s still not perfect: I think one of the candles melted some plastic somewhere.
[re=529836]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I’ll second that. It’s hard to believe Wonkette pays you anywhere near what you are worth. Of course, all the Wonketteers are amazingly hilarious, and I can only assume they do it all for free.
Happy birthday, Jim. I’d write more but I’m soapy and naked and Rahm Emanuel won’t stop yelling at me.
[re=529905]Sharkey[/re]: I wish I weren’t reading this so late in the thread so you would be around so I could tell you that your reply to Jim made me laugh out loud.
So, which is the greater number, Newell’s age, or the number of souls his gingerosity has stolen?
Happy belated birthday Jim. Sorry i’m a couple of days late.
To make up for it, I’ve sent you this super hot chick from my neighborhood. She will do anything you want; she’ll be knocking on your door within the hour.
Um, I wouldn’t verify her age if I were you. Think “plausible denialbility.”.
Happy massively belated birthday Jim! Whenever I hear political news that makes me want to stick my head in the oven, I can always count on your take on it to make me take a valium instead.
Ah shit Jim, I forgot your birthday. And to think you send us all flowers on ours.
Anyways, happy Womb Departure Anniversary. You are the wind beneath our wings!
Well, maybe not the wind as such, more a kind of lively fart that gives temporary uplift. But still.
. . . Ok, so I’m not good at this. I believe the kids these days say *huggles* or some crap like that, so ugh, *huggles* on your birthday or whatever. Bleh.
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