There’s the real CNN we all hate, which is nothing but a bunch of political consultant hacks sitting at tables reading talking points right off their laptop screens while Wolf Blitzer staggers around yelling nonsense. And then there’s the imaginary CNN available exclusively within Ross Douthat’s skull, a network broadcasting only Hard News programming. To Ross, the important new columnist at the New York Times who recently created such comical thought experiments as “Why didn’t Holocaust Jews invent the Hobbit?” and “How guilty are hippies for making priests rape children forever?”, CNN is struggling in the ratings because of all this serious news journalism. What the network needs, Ross suggests, is a bunch of idiots debating each other. Which is what CNN is today, right now. GAH!
What might work, instead, is a cable news network devoted to actual debate. For all the red-faced shouting, debate isn’t really what you get on Fox and MSNBC. Hannity has ditched Colmes, and conservatives are only invited on Rachel Maddow’s show when they have something nasty to say about Republicans. There’s room, it would seem, for a network where representatives from the right and left can both feel comfortable, and compete on roughly equal terms.
Yeah, uh, you mean LIKE CNN RIGHT NOW JESUS FUCKING CHRIST CAN YOU AT LEAST TURN OFF LORD OF THE RINGS AND TURN ON THE FUCKING CHANNEL YOU’RE WRITING ABOUT, FOR A MINUTE?
CNN does poorly in the ratings right now — which is unsurprising, because it’s crap even compared to the very low standards of cable news in 2010. It’s a horrible, endless bullshit “debate” between “both sides” with no actual news. Because it’s exactly what Ross Douthat bravely suggests it should become, in the future.
Your editors had a discussion about the terribleness of the “Cable News Network” on Friday, and it seems fitting to publish it here today, because god knows it looks like lucid media criticism compared to Ross Douthat’s dingbat column.
* Jim N.
* okay I am posting this very rambling erickson post
* Ken L.
* yes that is rambling insanity
* Ken L.
* YOU ARE WORSE THAN OBAMA
* Jim N.
* haha I am proud of it
* Ken L.
* how many days until cnn fires him?
* Ken L.
* the pressure is pretty solid
* Jim N.
* I think you mean *promote* him
* Ken L.
* nah they are in DIRE STRAITS
* Ken L.
* and wingnuts are NOT watching the fucking john king show, i can promise you that
* Jim N.
* They’re such a lame network
* Ken L.
* cnn is just a fail at this point, should just make it all HLN, nancy grace, both channels
* Jim N.
* everything, everything, EVERYTHING revolves around splitting the difference and having political consultants pretend to debate on equal terms.
* Ken L.
* or whatever, cut all the budget, fire everyone, run a bbc feed
* Ken L.
* yeah it is maddening
* Ken L.
* and serves no-one
* Jim N.
* and it lets them be so easily used
* Ken L.
* except! no-one is watching, so …
* Ken L.
* that is some major fucking brand erosion there
* Jim N.
* like when eric cantor says “oh some bullet went off somewhere around me too,” he knew that CNN would have a panel that night urging republicans and democrats to stop being mean, which they were doing equally.
* Ken L.
* i used to come home in the mid-1990s, put the teevee on cnn, and turn it off (maybe) when i went to bed
* Ken L.
* i turned it down to play music, but it was still on
* Ken L.
* and on the screen pretty much all the time was NEWS, from around the world.
* Ken L.
* it was awesome
* Jim N.
* I will put it on for like 10 minutes sometimes when I am eating dinner… as annoying and lame as they are, it is much more relaxing than the others
* Jim N.
* and wolf blitzer is funny.
* Ken L.
* ugh i cannot, even when i turn on the tv for 10 minutes in the a.m. or just before i turn off the computer for the night to make sure nothing got bombed, i will generally skip cnn
* Ken L.
* bloomberg has actual news around the clock, that’s about it
* Ken L.
* it’s biz news but if real shit is going down, they’re on that too
* Jim N.
* yeah that is my only reason, make sure nothing got bombed or see when the house is voting on some bill
* Jim N.
* cnn is in HD though. what i’m saying is that I watch it because it looks the prettiest.
* Ken L.
* cnn is so fucking inane, it’s as if it’s from some country / dimension even WORSE than this one
* Ken L.
* i do not have your fancy yuppie hd flat screen
* Ken L.
* i have this
* Jim N.
* there was a great daily show segment a few months ago showing dozens and dozens of instances of the same thing on CNN, where JUST as guests are bringing up the meaty or controversial or newsworthy parts of their topic, wolf or anderson cooper or whatever ALWAYS cuts them off to say, “well, it’s an interesting debate, we’ll have to cut you off there”
* Jim N.
* it’s part of their business model to make sure that no one ever WINS a debate, with facts, because then what would they put on teevee?
* Ken L.
* it is such a bizarre idea
* Ken L.
* and it’s their whole programming now, at least prime time i guess
* Ken L.
* people sitting around tables barking out talking points OFF THEIR LAPTOP SCREENS
* Ken L.
* does fox do that? msnbc? in some alternate world, is this a successful form of programming?
* Jim N.
* fox and msnbc just make sure the conservative/liberal side wins every debate. they’re terrible. at least they don’t strain so hard with EVERYTHING to make it appear balanced, though.
So, Ross Douthat just wants CNN to keep doing exactly what they’re doing, but he would also like them to add some Glenn Beck. He is such a good op-ed columnist, it’s awesome to have him in the New York Times. [NYT]
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{ 64 comments }
OK, I laughed so hard reading that, I peed myself a little.
Yeah Douchehat! Fuck Jon Stewart!
-Tucker Carlson
Maybe there’s something to this “copy & paste direct from your Eh-Oh-El tweetamabob” the Wonkette seems to love. But why are the bullets just rendering as asterisks instead of those fancy-pants manicules?
Good thing I was wearing dark pants.
If Douthat was going to imagine a CNN, he could have at least had the full, Christian, soulful imagination to populate it with hobbits.
Wait… Blitzer?
Is Wolfie trying to jam breast implants into his eyes?
Wait wait wait. Maddow only invites conservatives if they will bash other conservatives? But when she had JD Hayworth on, he spent most of the time bashing people who have the gay sex…
Touche, Douche-hat. Touche.
Whatever happend to reporters beaming in via hologram? Somebody must have realized how stupid that was.
Jeez, no wonder. The CNN put so many eggs in the Larry King basket and his demographics are 65 to death. His audience is dying off.
When Zain Verjee went missing the whole network went to shit. She was the only reason I watched.
From Douthat: “The conservatives, Carlson and Robert Novak, were much more independent-minded, but the constant need to rebut partisan talking points took its toll on them as well”
Wait, what the fuck? No, really, Carlson and Novak are independent minded; what the hell have you been smoking? They are/were nothing more than Republican shills; but both, like you, were pretentious pseudo-intellectuals; and at least one is likely a fellow closet case.
And then: “And it’s what you get from the mad, compulsively watchable Glenn Beck, who’s an extremist without being a knee-jerk partisan: You know he’s way out there on the right somewhere, but you don’t know what he’s going to say next.”
You don’t know what Beck’s going to say next because he is completely bugfuck insane; but he’s one of the biggest knee-jerk partisans there is.
But then, he also thought John Stewart had “substantive debates” with war criminals John Yoo and Mark Thiessen, when he actually completely smacked them around and made them come off as the evil, whiny shits they are.
Even if he weren’t a content-less Harvard hack, Douthat should be blown up in mid-flight by the Times simply to disrupt his trajectory. He’s a smug little shit.
Ken –
Manybe if you still had Intern Riley and the promise of a date, I might buy you a new fancy, yuppie HD Flat Screen TV. So go out and find some hot Intern (a gay male of course since that is 99.9% of your audience).
They are NOT reading talking points off their laptops. Those are the control/projection units for the holograms gathered around to ‘debate’ things.
Remember, CNN is high-tech. They have live reporters telling you what is being written, in words, on the internets. This is edgy. They are at the forefront of the media revolution. Nobody serves up warmed-over news-gruel with more hip technology than CNN.
[re=549307]mumblyjoe[/re]: And Maddow openly begs Keep America Safetrix to come on her show, and we know Liz does nothing but bash Republicans.
They could call it “Crossfire” and hire Patrick Buchanan, and Michael Kinsley, and Tucker Carlson, and, and … then John Stewart could interview Tucker Carlson, and everything would be wonderful.
Richard Cohen’s spiritual son.
Hey, CNN might be in the shitter right now, but at least there’s reason for optimism — you’ll notice it’s not taking conservatives’ advice on how to succeed.
Worse than CNN? CNN World, or whatever it is they try and brainwash people with around the globe. Nobody I know watches it, even BBC world is less boring.
[re=549302]TubeCity[/re]: Hobbits have no beards. Perhaps Wolf is a dwarf.
Apparently I’ve turned into a college professor because I can only get news from NPR now…and even then it’s occasionally fluff pieces about some Katrina victim’s struggle to become the best street drummer EVAH or some shit. I wish I had BBC America so I could watch Doctor Who–I mean real news, yeah.
So funny! But seriously, has the New York Times considered making an actual print edition? Kind of like their website, but printed on thin broad sheets of actual paper and cleverly folded so that you could take it with you? If they had enough advertising, they could probably sell it for a dollar or two. Oh man, I bet that would sell like hotcakes!
The problem is it’s impossible to have debate when one side is screaming about birth certificates and socialism and the other side is calling the other racist and fascist. If they were to have intellectuals on debating the issues intellectually the American audience would literally destroy their TVs and demand new TVs from the government which do not have that CNN channel. So they’ll have on hyperbolic talking heads screaming and shouting and outright lying and then Anderson Cooper (A GAY) or Wolfe Blitzer (A BEAR GAY) will say, “That’s an interesting point” and segue to a video of a squirrel skull fucking a toddler or something.
“Side A says [thing]. Side B says [opposite of thing]. Side A and Side B are equally correct, and equally wrong. Now check out this story of a cat who can use a vacuum cleaner.”
Why is nobody watching this??
CNN just needs a new slogan. You know – Fox has “We report … you decide”.
Here’s some suggestions…
“CNN … because you know real news is real boring.”
“CNN … the most trusted holodeck in cable news.”
“CNN … the news source that drives you to depression and suicide…”
CNN is the Tiger Woods Network now.
Problem solved.
[re=549308]Cape Clod[/re]: The beaming in via hologram was awesome. The whole problem was with the reporters. Instead of reporters they should get a 3-D version of the Indian chief from the old TV test pattern. Then it won’t matter if what actual words come out of his mouth. The real issue will be how to get a 3 dimensional rendering of a two dimensional line drawing to send out tweets.
Maybe they can Mr. Newell to voice the Indian Chief. I’ve never heard him speak but from his picture I imagine he sounds like the kid at the KrustyBurger who says, “We need some more secret sauce.”
[re=549315]drewonline[/re]: They’re not even particularly expensive anymore; my yuppie flatscreen was only about $400.
[re=549321]Looy[/re]: Read the column – Douthat’s claim was that CNN destroyed itself by listening to Stewart and canceling crossfire, and that it needs to bring it back.
[re=549325]ProfessorJukes[/re]: Not quite true; the Stoor Hobbits could grow beards accord to the Fellowship prologue.
[re=549337]bfstevie[/re]: correcting: …Maybe they can GET Mr. Newell….
stupid internet.
Zain Verjee and Betty Nguyen in HD. It doesn’t get any better than that. Just turn off the sound and put on some saxophone music.
[re=549304]weejee[/re]: That’s the problem with CNN. Blitzer seems to be trying to jam hamburger patties into his eyes, when everyone knows that you’re supposed to use raw steak for black eyes!
Americans are animals anyway. So let them lose their souls.
That Wolf Blitzer picture freaks me the fuck out for some reason.
But seriously, why watch the news channels at all, unless it’s election season? Seriously, do not watch these channels. Watch hockey, like me.
All I got out of Douchey’s article was that all cable “news networks” are overrun with screaming queens and that Glenn Beck is “compulsively watchable.” I don’t know whether to commit hari-kari or punch Ross in the middle of his pudgy, dough-like face. Or both.
[re=549363]magic titty[/re]: Those thingies are faux titties, not magic ones that’s why!
[re=549304]weejee[/re]: Looks to me like some sort of McDonald’s food, but I can’t tell if they’re breakfast flapjacks or hamburger buns.
Wolfie is saying “I worked my ass off to get a Masters from SAIS for this shit?” He coulda been Paul Wolfowitz.
[re=549370]revbob[/re]: That would be Hopkin’s Johnwall School of Advanced Internalized Suffering?
Remember Firing Line? Cue some nice Bach music, William Buckley would drone on for about 10 minutes about whatever the fuck was in his head at the moment and then he would interview Huey P. Newton or George Wallace or whoever was on that week for about an hour or so. It was like watching some people at a cocktail party. No talking points, no snappy 5 second replies or anything.
Wouldn’t last last five minutes on the air. CNN doesn’t even have many politicians on any more, just 26-year-old Democratic (or GOP) “consultants” using their latest talking points yelling at each other like they were at a hockey game. “We think patients should have the final say on their care,” “We want to put more money in your pocket, “Let’s not forget Main Street.” blaaaahhh.
[re=549326]Mr. Tusks[/re]: No BBC America? Poor, deprived man; although I do hear of certain disreputable site on the internet that some Americans use to get Dr. Who episodes without it.
[re=549386]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: We can’t just blame CNN there; PBS itself started the whole soundbites & yelling format of television debate shows with the McLaughlin Group way back when.
You ever watch CNN for longer than, say, 20 hours in one day? I gotta cut that out. Watch CNN. It’s the most depressing thing you’ll ever see, man. “WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS, RECESSION, DEPRESSION, WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS.” Over and over again. Then you look out your window – (crickets chirping) – where’s all this shit going on, man? Ted Turner is making this shit up. Jane Fonda won’t sleep with him, he runs to a typewriter: “By 1992 we will all die of AIDS. Read that on the air. I don’t get laid, nobody gets laid.”
Gotta love Bill Hicks.
I think CNN should have a show on which Hugh Hefner and Andy Rooney throw food at one another.
I take issue with the MSNBC comments.
Show me one program on Faux that is liberal biased like Morning Joe on MSNBC is conservative biased. Ya know, Joe the Republican! In fact, show me one program on Faux that is even kinda sorta even the slightest bit liberal. IN FACT, show me one program on Faux that even has liberals as commentators!
Also, Maddow has Conservative guests on all the time to say whatever they want as much as she can. The problem is most of the Conservatives don’t accept her invitation.
So the comments how MSNBC is the opposite of Faux are false equivalency!
[re=549395]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Yup, I would watch that. But you left out the incoherent screaming.
Douche Hat’s comment about Maddow is pretty fucktarded. It’s pretty much every single night on Maddow’s show that she says “hey I would love to have Liz Cheney/Bachmann/DeMint/Mussolini/etc to come on this show and try to explain this and we keep calling them but so far they have declined (wussed out)”. Maddow would absolutely freeking LUV to have any one of these asshats on her show. She would hand them a silver plated shovel to dig their own graves in their own poo, live on TV.
I’d switch from CNN to C-Span but there are too many black people.
I rarely watch live TV, instead running everything through TiVo. Which does make it weird when the “breaking news” about a killer money on the loose actually happened a week ago.
[re=549326]Mr. Tusks[/re]: ah, NPR, the Nice Polite Republicans.
[re=549401]PerhapsSo[/re]: No that’s Hugh reading “The Playboy Philosophy” while Andy imitates the London Blitz. They were equally hard to endure. Each episode will end with an overripe avocado barrage and “God Bless America.”
Ross’ next column: If only there was a show about reading and rainbows, hosted by Commander LaForge.
[re=549326]Mr. Tusks[/re]: There certainly can be a lot of fluff on NPR as they strive to create those “driveway moments”. And I don’t think the do enough to call B.S. on the politicians and pundits who come on their air and play fast and loose with the facts. But there is one thing that NPR does diligently that no other network, and especially not Fox, even tries to emulate. They profile a fallen soldier nearly every day. This is something I bring up when I hear conservatives badmouth NPR. For all the morons out there who watch Fox and support the troops with a magnet on their trucks; do they care at all to know the names and stories of those among the troops who are doing the actual dying? Whatever faults it may have this is one real service that makes NPR valuable.
And if you call right now I’ll match your donation dollar for dollar!
[re=549319]freakishlystrong[/re]: Well, given that it was one “compassionate conservative” that started, and then ended, the torture program that Ms. Cheney so desperately wants us to revive, and Obama just signed a “and we really mean it” executive order, kinda, yes, actually?
[re=549435]Ruhe[/re]: The closest that TV comes to profiling fallen soldiers is the list that ABC News does at the end of each “This Week.” The fact that most of these soldiers are in their late teens and twenties angers my wife and me so much: what a waste of American youth.
We Americans should be ashamed for what we have allowed to go on for too long.
If Wolf Blitzer married Paul Wolfowitz, he’d be Wolfie Wolfowitz, and no one would care. (Except Ross, who could design the wedding.)
[re=549400]mustardman[/re]: I do enjoy seeing the Faux Noise crowd turn into foaming at the mouth retards over Keith Olbermann, especially when compared to BillO or the Beckster.
They turn down right apoleptic at the mere mention of his name.
I just avoid cable news networks as much as possible.
CNN’s modus operandi: far-right wingnut + far-left moon bat = balanced, centrist view
Yesterday CNN had on Bill Nye the Science Guy to explain earthquakes after the one that hit California.
[re=549428]norbizness[/re]: In Douthat’s fantasy version of Reading Rainbow, it’s Riker who hosts.
CNN said “Erick Erickson” and Douthat heard “Eric Sevareid.” It’s a mistake ANYONE could make! Sevareid’s only been dead for 18 years — about the same amount of time TV news has been dead.
[re=549604]Ken Layne[/re]: In Douthat’s fantasy world, HE is Riker. (Hence that facial hair.)
And speaking of hairy faces, I could NEVER watch Wolf Blitzer while eating.
[re=549435]Ruhe[/re]: You probably never see Nancy Grace (since you seem pretty sane), but she profiles a fallen soldiers every day, too.
This goes back to an older Ross Douchehat blogpost here, but what can I say? better late than never. Ross Douchehat, the guy who infamously couldn’t get it up for a chunky reese witherspoon lookalike (why do conservatives have such sexual problems? Is that all part of being a conservative?) blamed the child molesting antics of the catholic church on hippies, openness and tolerance. Boy howdy did he nail them! time to end that whole multicultural experment and clap the women back into the kitchen removing their shoes.
Now we’ve seen the brilliance of the Lord Douchehat, but I think his lazy fat Harvard no-erection getting ass forgot to factcheck himself. After all, not only have Catholic priests been molesting children for a LONG, LONG time, even the popes have gotten into the act. Check out this link and Paul II, who apparently died WHILE FUCKING A PAGE. Shall we rename him pope Foley I?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_sexually_active_popes
[re=549338]JMP[/re]: I believe it’s just ‘stubble’, but still… point taken. I fall on my sword in shame.
Also, this column discredited Maddow, who’s done a great job bringing on conservatives.
[re=549402]Gorillionaire[/re]: Yep. None of them want to go on, because Rachel won’t let them just repeat their talking points. Look at what she did to Frum.
Much better to stay on the networks, where nobody challenges their bullshit.
Ken please do not take over Gawker simply because they say they might be able to help you afford a television upgrade. GET IT IN WRITING FIRST.
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