Did you know that there was a Controversy this week surrounding a USDA employee? No? Neither does West Wing Week, the greatest television program on the Internet. Its sole reason for existence is to tell you the things that Barack Obama did that had nothing to do with his Secretary of Farmville’s hysterical reaction to a video clip posted by a douche. This week’s edition is entitled “A Sensible Midwesterner.” Is the title in reference to Bariatric Obama? No, because he is from Nairobi.
Last Friday, Obama gave a speech about the giant tampon BP shoved into the gusher in the Gulf of Mexico. Then, typically, he DISAPPEARED FOR TWO DAYS, this time to “Acadia” in “Maine.” “Acadia” sounds like “Canadian,” which means Obama went to Toronto to sell state secrets to The Kids in the Hall.
On Monday he was all, “Hey how about extending some fucking unemployment benefits to the unemployed poors, i.e., 90% of your constituents.” Later, he met with the WNBA championship team, the Phoenix Mercury, so named because there is clearly mercury in the drinking water in Phoenix, which explains Sheriff Joe Arpaio.
“And I want to thank you for setting a wonderful example,” said Obamar. “Because I live with three tall, good-looking women who are quite competitive and push me around under the boards all the time.” (ACTUAL QUOTE.) By this he means that he dwells with the Three Ages of Woman: Maiden, Mother, and Crone. They live together in a mythical abode concealed within a dark forest, and there they safeguard the Mysteries that shall be revealed when the Fisher King rises again. Also, they kick his ass in basketball, in his house.
Then he went to see former Senator John Glenn, who floated in from outer space to talk about aliens. He called Glenn a “sensible midwesterner.” Everyone came in their pants.
On Tuesday, David “Kirk” Cameron, who is like King Arthur except less mythical, had special boyfriend time with Obama. At a press conference, Cameron said, “Pish posh snoobledy doobledy baaaaaathtub Winston Chuuuuuuuuuur-chill.” Then it was like the scene in Love Actually where Prime Minister Hugh Grant verbally bitch-slaps the Preznit Billy Bob Thornton and the British people are so happy. Except that did not happen at all, and never will. Sorry, Brits; our government’s balls are in your government’s mouth, forever. And they taste like freedom (and talcum powder).
On Wednesday, Obama signed something involving monies, but you did not know, because Tom Vilsack is afraid of Andrew Breitbart.
On Thursday, Barry signed something else involving money. That afternoon, he met with Ray Odierno, who was on vacation from his job at a coffee shop in Baghdad. Ray just chills over there, because they let him smoke whenever he wants and he gets to set up these open mic nights that he really digs. Sometimes David Petraeus comes in and plays the acoustic guitar. He’s really good.
And that, my scrumptious dumplings, sums up EVERY SINGLE THING that happened last week, to anyone. Have a fabulous weekend. I’ll be at your Netroots Nation 2010, because nothing says “relaxing weekend” like 30 hours in Las Vegas in July. I’ll be talking on a panel called Satire and Progressive Politics, which means “doing shots with Lizz Winstead and calling everyone gay.” If you are there, come say hi! Because I’ll also be taking photo-graphs and documenting the day’s events for Your Wonkette. You’re fucking welcome, you bastard people.
Sara Benincasa needs to be careful because “Ginger Ale” means something very different in Las Vegas.
{ 45 comments }
“Pish posh posh pishity posh poshy posh snoobledy doobledy baaaaaathtub Winston Chuuuuuuuuuuh-chill.”
Please have sex with me, Sara. Please?
How come whenever I read you, I feel like I just had great sex? I need a cigarette and sandwich.
Oh, they didn’t mention the Shirley Sherrod thing because they’re still waiting for all the facts to come out before passing judgment. HahahahahahahahahelpmeI’mchoking…
And that’s the way it is…
I think I will restrict my Wonketting to the Friday afternoon Sara Summaries in future. Give all you federal taxpayers more bang for your tax buck on Monday thru Thursday.
So I didn’t miss anything, then.
If I were going to keep my balls in a mouth all the time, I’d look for someone toothless, too.
“Push, Push in the Bush”, is still No. 1 on Vegas radio replacing “Fat Bottomed Girls”, which replaced, “D-I-V-O-R-C-E”.
Benincasa gives me a mind Boehner.
Maybe you can get to the bottom of the old question of why is it that only liberals are capable of satire (conservatives, at their very best, being able to produce only crude forms of sarcasm, with most conservative “humor” being oxymoronic (see Mallard Fillmore))?
Sara, please stop writing like this — I am running out of dry gym socks.
“On Monday he was all, ‘Hey fuckfaces, extend some fucking unemployment benefits to the unemployed poors, i.e., 90% of your constituents.’”
And yet he somehow failed to say, “Hey fuckfaces, lay down some climate bill-ology on our asses, cuz I said it was real important since I got elected-ed, plus I said it was REAL REAL important since that Oil Spill dealybobber happened.”
Dang, Sara. Bitch much? That was a remarkably cantankerous post, Cranky McCrankypants. Hey Wonketeers, have a great time in Vegas at the panel discussion on Snarky and Tetchy Progressive something or other. Still love ya tho…..
Just remember, what happens in Vegas will later be put on a Wonkette T-Shirt.
[re=624538]Baldar T Flagass[/re]: “And this is Walter Cronkite saying, ‘You’re fucking welcome, you bastard people.’”
Can’t you totally picture him saying that every night, in Heaven, before slowly taking off his glasses and just cold punching God in the cock?
[re=624564]Prommie[/re]: I’ll venture a guess. When your brain is filled with fear and hatred the higher, neocortical functions like humor are paralyzed.
Here’s a free book by a psychologist (Canukian) who has studied these people.
Dear Sarah, please drive up I-15 to Salt Lake when you are finished in Vegas. I read here on Wonkette that we are the one night stand capitol of the world and I would like to prove that to you.
Would liveblogging of events at the libfest be too much to ask?
Woops. Forgot the linky to the Canukian and his free (socialism) book.
http://home.cc.umanitoba.ca/~altemey/
[re=624564]Prommie[/re]: I’m gonna go out on a limb and attempt a serious answer.
Though there clearly are some non-libtards who are funny/satirical (e.g. Drew Carry), it truly does seem that on the whole, libtards have cornered the market on teh funny. Why?
I’m guessing this: The problem with non-libtards is that they are living in their own little world, they either can’t see or don’t want to see from as many perspectives as possible. So non-libtards CAN be funnny/satirical, but when they are it is very exclusionary and myopic, and that sort of humor just isn’t as marketable, so they are less successful. Whereas Libtards tend to want to be more inclusive, so we want to make everyone laugh, and there is a greater market for that, naturally, so libtards (thus and so) are more successful.
Now, before you tell me I’m wrong: Lick my T-rucknutz BITCHES !!!!
[re=624564]Prommie[/re]: Hey now, a lot of conservatives are hilarious; such as Sharon Angle, Michael Steele, Rand Paul, Michelle Bachmann, etc. They may not be trying to be funny, but they still succeed.
[re=624564]Prommie[/re]: [re=624593]facehead[/re]: You know who else wasn’t capable of satire?
“Acadia” sounds like “Canadian,” which means Obama went to Toronto to sell state secrets to The Kids in the Hall.
Worse, I’m pretty sure it is French, proving that Obama is a Socialist traitor to this country. He was probably selling our superior Freedom Fry technology to some mime.
[re=624564]Prommie[/re]:To be funny requires a measure of intelligence and some measure of empathy. Fucktards are dumb as a bunch of rocks and are too busy whining about how everyone hates them and is turning them into gun less, traffic stop ghey sex-slaves to feel anything for anyone else.
God, I love the Carfuckers sketch. “Oh, there’s a name, actually, it’s called CARFUCKING!”
[re=624586]Ducksworthy[/re]: I am familiar with the works of said Canuckian. Hengh. Self-congratulatory, true, but not complete, is the impression that I get, if you know what I mean. I mean, what he says is mostly all true, and gratifying to read, like “yay us, we’re not fucked up like them.” But its not the whole story, people are more complicated, and there are more authoritarian progressives than he would agree (go express an unpopular opinion on Jezebel), I think the trait is present to some degree in every person.
Okay, Sara: Get ready for the next BIG IDEA for one of your videos.
Ready?
“Loofa-Munching Grizzly Bear Lesbo Mamas!!!!!!”
Just mail me my share of the profits.
[re=624615]x111e7thst[/re]: Now see, there is where I think there is a huge amount of over-simplification and broad-stripe painting. I think there is a third element you left out, and so did the Canuckistanian, and its a very important element, and its the reason that quite intelligent people can get sucked into the conservative paranoia state of mind. And this is something to do with boredom, helplessness, and drama and the need for self-actualization. Drama, some people need drama, they need to feel they are part of something important, doing something important, and all drama is conflict, so, they need a conflict. Its like they are grown-ups still playing a fantasy game of cowboys and indians or soldiers, except instead of cowboys and indians or GIs and Germans, its “Real Amurricans and Commie libtard traitors.” Its not a product of a weak intellect, its the self-delusion and fantasy everyone is capable of, and it seems to be driven by an emotional need for meaning and purpose and a feeling of accomplishment. And maybe thats why its so much more prevalent in sleepy pigfucking backwaters, and among basement-dwelling failures, you know what I mean? They are bored, aimless, have nothing to engage them, except signing up for this crusade against the evil liberals.
Yet another element is the psychology of groups, and peer-pressure, and shared madness and delusions, read about Hitler’s final days, holy shit. People can truly convince themselves black is white.
New Sara, wow are you good at neologisms. I’ll bet you can whip out a mean portmanteau or teau. #ShakesSaraBenincasa, for good.
[re=624593]facehead[/re]: Hey, I am always dead serious, absolutely dead serious. Satire and humor, those things I leave to professionals. I have never been facetious in my life. Ya hear that, Sarah? I noticed how prominently you mentioned your boyfriend yesterday, I know that was for me.
[re=624645]Katydid[/re]: Hey, how are you doin?
nice boobs as always ma’am
[re=624599]JMP[/re]: That kinda points out the real answer, its self-awareness, the ability to view yourself and the things around you in a broader context, instead of only from inside your own narrow frame of reference. Conservatives, well, they can’t do it, and you have to be able to do it, in order to be funny.
Oh, Sara? If you’re in Vegas, there’s great place off the Strip where you can rent a submachine gun!!!
Hours of fun for the whole family!
[re=624658]thefoxtrot[/re]: Chris Walken once taught me a really cool way to say that there same compliment, what you say is “forgive me, if my eyes feast on the sumptuous banquet of your decolletage.” Works every time.
You can call me a scrumptious dumpling anytime hun.
Hey people, I get all confused if you don’t keep your Saras and your Sarahs straight. All cool wonkette Saras are Saras. Sarah is the enemy.
[re=624525]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Please have sex with me, Sara
Ah, the classic high school seduction line. Boy does that bring back fond memories. Ok, not so fond. Also seemed to work the opposite of what I expected.
[re=624661]Neilist[/re]: I heard there’s also places in Nevada where you rent other kinds of fun.
I’ve been meaning to visit Vegas in my ice cream truck. I’ll bring my special blanket too.
[re=624661]Neilist[/re]: That guy. Ignatius Piazza, the guy with the most luxuriant pornstache in all of Nevada.
[re=624609]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Acadia IS French. It used to be part of the French Colonial Caliphate that ruled North America from Quebec to Pennsylvania. In the 1750s and 60s, the British, offended by their washboard music and disturbing culinary practices such as deep-frying whole turkeys, expelled the Acadians, who wandered the earth before settling in Loosiana to mutate into Cajuns.
Well thank you so much for the informative post, Ms. Benincasa, weel done.
I have one small quibble.
Arizona water is contaminated with Arsenic.
We export our coal fired Mercury with the prevailing winds.
“Everyone came in their pants.”
Isn’t that a natural reaction to John Glenn or is it just me…
Wow! You have a great life for an unemployed person!
[re=624942]Zorg[/re]: Who? Me? I have like four jobs, dude. And they all rule. Sorry!
Sara, let me know if this pick-up line would work on you: “Pardon me, miss, your hair’s on fire…by the way, nice breasts. For the record, it did with my third wife.
Comments on this entry are closed.