Here’s an important legal advisory for Florida residents the rest of us can laugh at: it is apparently unlawful in the state of Florida to shack up with a sexytime partner outside of wedlock, if you are straight. Homo sex does not count as real sex in Florida, so teh gayz are in the clear on this one, but for all you other people: get hitched or else! The law is some archaic 19th-century leftover scribbled on a scrap of crusty snot rag probably used by one of the Founding Fathers, i.e. SACRED, so no one has bothered until now to try to repeal it. But who is trying to axe murder family values this time if the homo agenda warriors have no reason to care? The answer is weird!
The Sun Sentinal reports:
“Cohabitation” of unmarried people is currently a second-degree misdemeanor, punishable by $500 or up to 60 days in jail. The same penalty applies to cheating husbands and wives — though only to opposite-sex couples.
The laws have been on the books since the late 1800s, but are rarely enforced. In 2006, though, a Jacksonville woman did take advantage of the law and have her husband arrested for cheating, according to a news report. (It’s not clear how the case came out.)
Now, Rep. Ritch Workman, R-Melbourne, is on a mission to repeal the statutes penalizing adultery and cohabitation, as well as other laws he finds outdated, like a requirement that all bicycle riders keep one hand on the handle bars. He filed adultery the bill last week — it’s HB 4021 — though he hasn’t returned phone calls about it for the past two days.
WOAH. A Florida Republican who hates family values? What’s next, free dildos for third-graders? [Sun Sentinel]
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{ 137 comments }
"What’s next, free dildos for third-graders?"
I've often wondered what is in those backpacks that makes them look so heavy. I could just see my kid, needing an eraser and whipping out her rubber dork and rubbing that paper until there is a hole in it. Kids, they make my heart smile.
'Readin' and 'ritin' and 'rithmetic,
Taught to the tune of a pleasure stick.
Good luck getting that tune out of your head today.
"rubber dork? i hardly even know her! no respect!"
The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree, O Barb'ed One?
The Barbs are what make it tickle.
But blue laws are what make this country great!
Better Blue Laws than blue balls.
Today we are all shacked up sinful scofflaw hetero heathens living in thrall to our lust.
The bluest of laws calls for the bluest of comedy.
In Florida, "cohabitation" is part of The Aristocrats' routine.
Next they will sell liquor on Sunday. Then ALL hell will break loose.
Hey a Repugnant that wants to not break the law…. while cheating on his wife.
No, it was a Republican dude. Same sex cheating doesn't count under the law.
".. while cheating on his wife with a hot tub full of RentBoys.
/fixed
Finally, someone is sticking up for the right of all hipsters to ride no-handed while they blog on their iphones.
You can make me keep my hands on my handlebars when you pry them from my cold, dead fingers.
No. No, wait. That doesn't quite work…
I've seen it done!
I just had a great idea for a reality show. Bloggers have to write their blogs under challenging circumstances. Blogging while riding a bike (winner is determined by who can go the furthest before crashing. Blogging while skydiving (can't open the 'chute until you finish). Blogging in a swimming pool that has piranhas on the other side of a timed gate.
We can call it Blog or Die. It will provide entertainment AND reduce the number of bloggers out there. Win!
How about making these bloggers BLOG with no hands? Think how challenging that would be!
(Typing with my toes right now.)
requirement that all bicycle riders keep one hand on the handle bars
Trust me on this one people. Seriously it's a good law!!!!
Two hands on the handle bars doesn't help if the rider's brain isn't engaged: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQcbE4e3XlQ&fe...
APPENDAGE SOCIALIZUMS!!!
Real men blog on unicycles.
People who take both hands off of the handle bars are just showing off. They deserve to be arrested.
Needs a coloring book.
With blanks to be colored in with Crayola dildos.
All you in favor of no handz bike riding raise both hands.
At least they didn't make it the law for a unicycle.
http://i.huffpost.com/gen/193926/DONALD-RUMSFELD-...
So, this guy is obviously just having an affair and is covering all his bases. Devious!
"he hasn’t returned phone calls about it for the past two days"
Sounds like he needs that law passed in a hurry.
He's hiking the Appalachian Trail.
"requirement that all bicycle riders keep one hand on the handle bars"
The unicycle lobby is going to fight this one all the way to the Supreme Court.
Will Rummy lead the way with his mad, single-wheeled skilz?
The unicycle lobby just got hinkled.
"a requirement that all bicycle riders keep one hand on the handle bars."
I'm so looking forward to the day when I can go for a free wheeling tandem bike ride with my mistress in Miami Beach.
Hopefully they'll get rid of that other outdated Florida law, the one that allowed Bush to be 'elected' president.
Horse. Barn door. etc.
Retroactive, pls
How long until Rick Scott drug tests the fuck out of all cohabitants?
And bicycle riders. (Business is business.)
We need a hard nosed reporter to find out who this jackhole is shacking up with.
The Sun-Sentinel "reporter" was too lazy to look up the outcome of the 2006 adultery suit, so is probably not sufficiently hard-nosed.
I'd support a law that made the sitcom Friends Illegal.
Oh GOD Yes!
To the extent they're keeping re-runs of "Starsky & Hutch" off the air, "Friends" re-runs do serve…
No, it isn't true. Ban them. Ban them now.
It's been illegal in this state since 1996. Where have you been?
Can we do the same for Seinfeld? Pretty please?
Everybody Loves Raymond should be next.
Agreed…but then I always wanted a sexy dopey sweet girlfriend like Phoebe.
You're all ignoring the biggest offender, 2 & 1/2 Men.
The picture that accompanies this story is almost enough to make me cancel my Wonkette subscription.
Is "Friends Illegal" a new Hispanic spinoff?
Typical teabagger, spending money frivolously to repeal laws they don't like.
Clearly he has a hankering to have adultery while riding a bicycle and fondling his significant other.
"The laws have been on the books since the late 1800s, but are rarely enforced. In 2006, though, a Jacksonville woman did take advantage of the law and have her husband arrested for cheating, according to a news report. (It’s not clear how the case came out.)"
I think this is an awesome law with a great potential for reality show style drama. Wronged spouses State-wide should immediately file charges. This would be good for the rest of the US, as Floridians would be immediately tied up with filing charges on each other or checking out who filed on whom and they may cease to disrupt or even influence national level politics.
and all that revenue from the fines! they might be able to afford that high speed train, yet.
laws he finds outdated, like a requirement that all bicycle riders keep one hand on the handle bars
Criminalizing the act of keeping both hands on the handlebars goes too far.
Exactly what did you have in mind for the newly unoccupied hand?
However, reruns of "Friends" will remain illegal, thanks to the anti-"cobagitation" law.
~
Ritch Workman is such a 'Phoebe'
No such thing as a rich workman.
Tiger's Law
Given this is Florida, the other "outdated" laws that Workman wants to repeal no doubt include those outlawing child labor and workhouses. Oh, and public hangings.
Actually, given that this is Florida, I'm thinking child labor and workhouses will be enforced.
Along with that stupid ban on slavery and indentured servitude.
As long as they don't cohabit out in the street where the horses that pull the stagecoach might be frightened I guess it's ok.
In related news, the Ohio state legislature is considering a bill to allow driving while intoxicated if accompanied by an employee of a strip club or a prostitute.
Consider the response [to his counterparts' pro-adultery bill] of State Rep. Dennis Baxley, R-Ocala, who previously headed the Florida chapter of the Christian Coalition: "I'm not ready to give up on monogamy and a cultural statement that marriage still matters," he said.
Translation: I haven't been caught shtupping (yet):
a) a blonde, 18-year-old Hooters waitress
b) the 12-year-old male Hispanic kid who cuts my lawn
c) Rick Scott
d) anyone in the state of Florida over the age of nine, with the exception of "my wife"
e) All of the above.
"Ritch Workman" really sounds like a porn name.
"some archaic 19th-century leftover scribbled on a scrap of crusty snot rag probably used by one of the Founding Fathers, i.e. SACRED" = brilliant
There's no way these ridiculous laws are constitutional, post-Lawrence v. Texas.
LOL. It's Florida, duh.
Ritch? Ritch?
Seriously. Watch how Owls the Mysterious can, without even using Wiki, tell the audience more about this 'Ritch' fellow:
–It is his very first term
–In real life, he sells either insurance or cars
–He regularly attends the biggest megachurch in the Tri-County area
–His parents were functionally illiterate
So, how did Owls the Mysterious do?
Take a look: http://www.ritchworkman.com/
Ha! He's mortgage broker!
Shouldn't he change his last name then?
2nd term, mortgage company…info not available on churches. born in canada, has a "zeal for repeal," and:
"In 2011 he filed bills to reform the Florida Pension system and well as a complete overhaul of how Florida does Growth Management. Mr Workman's bill will require Firefighters and Police to work until the age of 60 years old. During a committee hearing on 3/25/2011 several Police Chiefs spoke to the committee warning that raising the retirement age would be detrimental to public safety. In the long run this bill would cost the state more because police and firefighters would stay longer and earn more."
"do ya know why i pulled you over, sonny?"
"well, i was speeding in a school zone."
"huh? i can't hear you! what? speak up!"
"License and registration, please."
(pause)
"Oh, and could you please read them to me, I think I left my bifocals on the nightstand this morning."
"do ya know why i pulled you over, sonny?" You have any I.D.?"
" 'bout what?"
What could possibly go wrong with a 60-year-old fireman?
He's been in office since 2008. The first picture that I came across on his website says "Picture taken by Mark Foley".
Very impressive, Owls. But, depending on how you define it, aren't all Republicans functionally illiterate? Am I splitting hairs here? Is splitting hairs currently legal in Florida? And you can't split hairs without using both hands, can you?
Ah, but i predicted his parents were functional illiterates, based on the comically phonetic spelling of his first name.
As to hairs, I leave that to barbers. As to splits, I leave that to bowlers and gymnasts. And as to 'using both hands,' I leave that to Christine O'Donnell
With a quick googly search, I have come to the conclusion that this is not anywhere near being Florida's most stupid law.
http://www.dumblaws.com/laws/united-states/florid...
"Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown."
Guess these folks haven't been to Key West on Halloween.
Another step down a slippery slope.
Soon the Negro will want to procreate with other races.
Well someone just lost their next primary!
There are some clear legal conundrums in play here. For example, while Etta was most assuredly not Butch Cassidy's lawful wife, he nonetheless did have at least on hand on the handlebars of the bike at all times.
Of course, if you really want to muddy things up, you could stipulate that for the purposes of this scenario, Butch and Sundance are gay cohabitants. Oyez!
In modern America, isn't Rich Workman pretty much an oxymoron? Maybe he won the lottery or something like that.
Slightly OT: About a year ago I am motoring down 635 in lane 3. 635 is our specially designed bit of drivetime hell/parking lot, here in North Dallas. You'all (see what I did there) probably have one just like it.
A motorcyclist, I will call him Moron, came up fast in lane 2. Standing on the seat while popping a wheely. I was NEVER so tempted to open my driver side door in traffic.
Hands on the handlebars, so no problem. Unless he left his helmet home…
Oh, no, helmet either. Grin. Actually scared me as I didn't want to be the one to run over his head if he fell.
Did anyone actually explain to Workman that this only applies to STRAIGHT, HETERO couples, so he doesn't have to worry about any of his Republican friends getting fined for their sexytimes?
This could be a great way for the State of Florida to solve their debt crisis, particularly since the law says nothing about this being a one-time fine!
Now you, too, can "cohabitate" with one of our fine citizens for the low low price of $500 a month!
Actually, the fine ones are $500 a night.
"Fine" for Florida.
"A Florida Republican who hates family values? "
he must be afraid to be prosecuted under the bills..
when politicians do something, always check their closets ..
In some counties in Connecticut it's unlawful to have more than 3 unrelated people under the same roof. It means that in college counties like Mansfield you can't have more than 3 college students living together. Idiocy.
They had a simliar law in a college town near where I grew up in western NY, except it only applied to women. Because more than however many (3 or 4, I think) was obviously, by its nature, a brothel.
Please please PLEASE let this be Ithaca, because I have the perfect new motto for Cornell's School of Hospitality Leadership: "Putting the HO in Hotel Administration since 1922."
That ideas has sitcom written all over it. Or possibly cheesy T&A movie. Whichever makes more money. Have your people call my people – we'll do lunch!
Sorry, Elvious: Fredonia, NY.
That's a feature, not a bug; a lot of townies really don't like college students.
"Welcome to Mansfield College: Great big ideas, little tiny dorms."
Supposed to be in school to learn, not flip McMansions…
Since it's not illegal for the head of a known criminal enterprise to be elected governor in Florida, they just figured they may as well throw everything else out the window too.
FTW.
Now, Rep. Ritch Workman, R-Melbourne, is on a mission to repeal the statutes penalizing adultery and cohabitation, as well as other laws he finds outdated
What kind of name is Ritch Workman? And what gives him the unique insight into determine which laws are outdated?
Seriously, though – I have been breaking this law most of my adult life. The cohabitating part, not the cheating.
Ritch Workman, former mortgage broker.
Jeebus Hornswoggle Christ — can a man possibly look any more Republican than that?
wow dude was born in canada. do we have a base there?
They put people in jail for cohabitation. So, instead of cohabiting with your lover they send to cohabit with other inmates. Nice.
Just another hard working fiscal conservative tryin' to get government regulations off the backs of the job creators.
So Mark Foley was simply following Florida law all along. Who knew?
On another note, I always thought Jennifer Aniston would make a pretty good actress. I wonder, has she ever thought of trying it? Acting, I mean.
Hey, that woman pretended to care about Brad Pitt's brain for God knows how many years. That shit deserves at least a Daytime Emmy.
If you only do it once or twice, is it a habit?
You know who else came "straight" outta right field?
Billy Bean?
Shoeless Joe Jackson's ghost?
Any baseball streaker?
Peter North?
"…so teh gayz are in the clear on this one…"
That's 'cuz Gaydom wasn't discovered yet.
It was our well-guarded secret – like the Da Vinci code, or velcro.
From his website, he doesn't sound like a typical republican. He sponsored legislation requiring mortgage brokers to be licensed, and not to be convicted fraudsters! Is he now trying to polish his tea party credentials by saying that he started moves to repeal some overreaching legislation?
A law about hands on bicycle handlebars is outdated. As is a law about co-habitating. Fair enough. What laws do Repubicans think we need in this day and age?
Women aren't wise enough to decide about an abortion unless the doctor reads a government declaration. And she looks at a sonogram. And waits a bunch of hours.
Voters should not be able to vote too early. Or register too easily. Or by merely declaring their name. That kind of voting is outdated.
Then there's the 14th, 16th, 17th Amendments.
Now, they say that Sidney Poitier was a blind man.
And they say that LBJ was a Soviet Jew.
When I go down Florida Way,
There ain't no kind of sexual healing that I would not, could not, should
Not do, stick it right here.
I'm gonna carve me a cheeseburger out of India's sacred cow
If third graders can’t have free dildos, then only fourth graders will have them ….. or, something like that.
If third graders can’t have free dildos, then only fourth graders will have them ….. or, something like that.
I can't wait to see his opponent's teevee ads. Great opportunity for a Democrat to fuck him in that weird way that Republicans often like to fuck others.
"…in fact, Ritch Workman actually worked to remove a law intended to help preserve family values! So this November, Put Workman Out Of Work™."
Smells like Sharia law to me.
OH SWEET JESUS, MY TEN YEAR OLD CHILD IS A CRIMINAL. That does it. No more sleepovers.
In 2006, though, a Jacksonville woman did take advantage of the law and have her husband arrested for cheating, according to a news report. (It’s not clear how the case came out.)
How the fuck is it not clear? Is it "not clear" in the sense that the reporter didn't feel like finding out? 2006 wasn't THAT long ago – it's not like it would be difficult to find the records.
I think somebody has his eye on a new prospect in the secretarial pool.
This will lead to marriages between men, women, alligators and parakeets. Mark my words.
…Rep. Ritch Workman, R-Melbourne, is on a mission to repeal the statutes penalizing adultery and cohabitation…
Australian Republicans are the best Republicans.
They are so cute when they think Republicanism is about personal freedom.
puffy white people gross me out.
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