Republican lobbyists are very upset that John McCain is being forced to fire them all from his campaign. What good's a Republican party if you undo all of Tom DeLay's hard-earned K Street ties? It's no good, it's simply liberal. Listen to this poor lobbyist's two cents: "I find it a little offensive. It was good enough to get my $2,300 donation. If we're not good enough, then send my check back. It pisses me off." Goddamnit indeed. It starts when private citizens donate money to campaigns and aren't allowed to ghost-write policy in return; it ends when our children stop saying "please" and "thank you." [Politico]
Are you a dumb hippie kid in the Minneapolis/St. Paul area? Want to make a few dollars ratting out your crusty friends? The FBI, in conjunction with the University of Minnesota police department, will pay you an unspecified amount to infiltrate "Vegan Potlucks" in the Twin Cities and find out what sort of puppets and dumb costumes the kids plan to bring to the GOP convention in September. Must love "Phish," hate showers, and sincerely believe that shouting "WHOSE STREETS? OUR STREETS!" at other hippies is a good tactic for scaring The Corporates out of government. [City Pages/Boing Boing]
"BOCA RATON, Fla. - Hillary Clinton compared her effort to seat Florida and Michigan delegates to epic American struggles, including those to free the slaves and win the right to vote for blacks and women." [Ben Smith/Politico]
GOTTA GET EDUMACATED: An ABC News poll has found that 16% of U.S. science teachers are Creationists, and 12.5% teach it as a "valid, scientific alternative to Darwinian explanations for the origin of species." In other words, 87.5% of science teachers better shape up if they want any shot at Heaven. [ABC News]
Jeremiah Wright has caused a lot of trouble for Barack Obama by criticizing American foreign policy and being black, sins far worse than those of McCain's best religious friend, John Hagee. Hagee, who is nativist and sexist and racist, may only be one-third as evil as Jeremiah Wright, but we feel obligated to post his minor, whimsical controversies just for shits 'n' giggles. Ha ha, look at this silly little piece of fluff from Hagee: "Adolph Hitler was a 'hunter,' sent by God, who was tasked with expediting God's will of having the Jews re-establish a state of Israel." Adorable!
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John McCain's dastardly Jedi mind tricks have done wonders in winning over the Main Stream Media's print and teevee operations. But if John McCain wants to remain a Maverick forever, he must conquer more media outlets to ensure that his horrible lies never see the light of day. Now he's launched a new front to seize the Internet's many weblogs, via espionage, in order to curry the Internet's political persuasion.
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Would you like to know more about the three Emanuel brothers? There is Josh Lyman from The West Wing, Ari Gold from Entourage, and some nobody doctor guy who hasn't been featured in any television shows yet. They are all grandsons of a 6-foot-4 Moldavian meat cutter, and they swear a lot. Well, Josh and Ari do. More weird Emanuel family anecdotes after the jump.
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Meet new congresslady Laura Richardson, who won a special election last year to replace the meanest congresswoman ever, Juanita Millender-McDonald, who died of cancer. The district in question is California's 37th, which covers such scenic spots as Compton, West Compton, East Compton, Long Beach, etc. Anyway, Laura Richardson bought a house in Sacramento early last year, after she won a seat in the California Assembly. But once she got that sweet House of Representatives seat, she bailed on Sacramento and her mortgage!
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Right-wing radio host Michael Savage, a converted California liberal hippie who recently sued Islam, was so distraught by Ted Kennedy's presumed death yesterday that he opened his show with a dedicated song. It was "California Uber Alles" by the Dead Kennedys. GET IT? Savage added, "The poor guy's been suffering for years, you know? Unfairly he's been accused of alcoholism, but we see now that it was something much more deep-seated." Michael Savage's real last name is Weiner. [Media Matters]
Latest by Lionel Hutz Esq.: Come on! This is totally the wrong thing to do!
I mean, "To Drunk to Fuck" would have been so much more appropriate! more »
Here's old Geraldine Ferraro on the teevee again, prattling on to Fox News' Shep Smith about how Sexist Barack Obama and his goons in the media are. Considering that Ferraro is a Democrat, and that the more she runs her mouth about Obama hating women, the more Hillary's women will vote for John McCain, we're really studying these clips trying to understand the rage that would lead her to do such a thing. And it seems that many media figures — men! — have been asking Hillary Clinton all sorts of tough questions, for months, about the terrible lies she tells.
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That's what we like about the south! Here's some little newspaper in Roswell (?), Georgia, which is a small town of alien white people, near Atlanta. Why would the liberals at Daily Kos take offense over such a nice picture of Barack Obama as seen through a sniper scope?
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Last night's closest race was the Senate Democratic primary in Oregon, in which Chuck Schumer and the DSCC's handpicked Establishment Candidate Jeff Merkley beat known hippie pirate Steve Novick 45% to 41%. Aww, look at how sad Novick is in the picture, huggin' his Mama. Well, maybe Merkley has the best chance to oust Republican Sen. Gordon Brown in the general election, because he's not a hippie... but he's such a lame-o! Novick — aside from being 4'9" and having a hook hand/bottle opener — graduated from goddamn Harvard Law at 21 and has made a career in "environmental justice," which is the neatest form of justice. He's also funny, which is rare among hobbits. But he's an elitist, the end. After the jump, his best pirate ad.
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Now that she is as poor as any workaday hobo, Hillary Clinton will need to get her eyewear the same place your mom does: down at the corner drug store, right next to the soda pop fountain where you can still get a malted for 25 cents. Still, these specs look suspiciously elitist. People only need reading glasses for reading, which we understand is a popular hobby among Communists. [AP Photo]
Ha ha, so remember earlier this morning when it looked like Hillary Clinton's campaign was $31 million in the hole? Surprise, it's a mere $21 million because some dumb Californian can't do Elitist Math. But still, $21 million! Why that looks like a whole lot of money to this Wonkette editor, who scrapes by on a salary barely a tenth of that size.
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When Barack Obama spoke to a crowd of 75,000 or so this past weekend, the Liberal Media failed to report one crucial detail: legendary rock band the Decemberists played that same event before Obama took the stump, so clearly everybody turned out for them. After all, we're talking about the Coldplay of the antiquity-goth set! Barack Obama is riding the wave of an accordion-folk craze that's the biggest American epidemic since the Spanish flu of 1918, and in November the Decemberists will be elected president and then it will be TOO LATE. [NewsBusters]
Latest by obfuscator: @Lionel Hutz Esq.:
i'm sayin'. i've got a friend in portland who volunteered with the campaign. she was sorely tempted to canvass carrie brownstein's neighborhood. more »
"The fact that neither campaigned here for months created bitterness among the state's Democrats."
That's right, America: you can add Florida to the long list of Bitters forged in the crucible of the endless, violent, gnashing-of-teeth-and-rending-of-garments campaign of 2008. Florida voters are mad because their state legislature, with the unanimous consent of the Florida Democratic Party, decided to make their primary really early this year, thus assuring the Navel State yet another mention in the annals of How The South Ruined America.
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Latest by CriticalOne: Of course Wonkette would put up a story to further bash Florida, but wouldn't put my homestate of Michigan in the mix.
Make fun of my state, too, damnit! Show us that we matter. more »
Hillary Clinton won Kentucky last night, Barack Obama won Oregon, they both gave speeches, the end. [New York Times,Washington Post]
Hillary Clinton may have raised about $21 million in April, but she spent $29 million. Her campaign is now $31 million$21 million in debt. [Top of the Ticket]
Meet the newest hippie alternative-fuel advocates: the U.S. military. They will run their B-1 bombers on hemp oil and Peace. [Wall Street Journal]
Read another installment in the Post's very important series on fat kids. [Washington Post]
"So let the Republicans be dull. The Democrats will battle on because it is just so gosh-darned exciting!" [Politico]
Wonkette
Republican lobbyists are very upset that John McCain is being forced to fire them all from his campaign. What good's a Republican party if you undo all of Tom DeLay's hard-earned K Street ties? It's no good, it's simply liberal. Listen to this poor lobbyist's two cents: "I find it a little offensive. It was good enough to get my $2,300 donation. If we're not good enough, then send my check back. It pisses me off." Goddamnit indeed. It starts when private citizens donate money to campaigns and aren't allowed to ghost-write policy in return; it ends when our children stop saying "please" and "thank you." [Politico]
"BOCA RATON, Fla. - Hillary Clinton compared her effort to seat Florida and Michigan delegates to epic American struggles, including those to free the slaves and win the right to vote for blacks and women." [
