Jim Newell
Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.
Conservative teen pop star Ken Cuccinelli, Virginia’s attorney general, is using the hot news about all those dead rats found everywhere in the cleaned-out Occupy DC encampment to bring up one of his biggest fears: That a recent federal law will end up dumping all of DC’s many filthy rats into the Maryland and Virginia [...]
The pussies (meant lovingly) (ehh) who run CNN have suspended a member of the network’s “Best Political Team on Television,” Roland Martin, the jovial ascot-wearing fellow who appears on television to play with David Gergen and Ari Fleischer on election nights. Did he kidnap Wolf Blitzer’s wife or something? No, we’ve all done that. He [...]
Only one more day until CPAC, and the Revolution! Your Wonkette is pissing its pants just looking at the bill of events and all the exciting opportunities to learn about how dumb liberals are. Why does the bathroom have to be so far away, anyway? Nevermind. Let’s just figure out which of these panel thingies/cocktail [...]
Whoa hey, look at those numbers in Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado for Mittens. Two out of three isn’t so bad. And the sheer numbers of votes — tens and hundreds of thousands! What a world. The only problem is that those are his numbers from the 2008 primary cycle, when he still ended up losing [...]
Here’s Rick Santorum’s Twitter reaction to today’s developments regarding the homosexuals of California. Did he read the news? Rights were restored! Good heavens sweet Jesus man. But maybe we’re wrong. Let’s see what the responses to this were like, on Twitter.
The DC-area Occupy people, having been kicked out of their park this weekend, have a fun new thing in the works: Occupying CPAC. It’s just around the corner, so why not? According to the Occupiers’ website, they will “march to the Marriott” to “create as much non-violent resistance as possible, and make this a conference [...]
The despised liberal 9th Circuit federal appeals court, which Newt Gingrich has pledged to pipe-bomb on his first day as president, ruled today that California’s Proposition 8, a law in which a bunch of out-of-state Mormons took away marriages from same-sex married couples, is unconstitutional. This upheld the original ruling by district court Judge Vaughn [...]
Rick Santorum is going to ruin America tonight! No but listen: The nominating contests in Colorado, Missouri, and Minnesota tonight are non-binding, inconsequential in general because Mitt Romney will still win the nomination, and… dumb… we don’t know… but will possibly have the effect of crowning Rick Santorum as the main alternative to Mittens, which [...]
Republican Florida state Sen. Ronda Storms has seen enough of these poor assholes in her grocery line buying candy and salty potato chips and chemical cancer juices with their food stamps. They’re everywhere, these poor people! You may have seen one yourself, hmm? It’s time to kill them all. Or at least to stick it [...]
Michigan senatorial candidate Rep. Pete Hoekstra — pronounced “HOOKER,” in his terrorist Dutch inflection — went on the teevee yesterday to defend his comically racist ad about the evil lady in China or Vietnam (who cares) who, thanks to Sen. Debbie Stabenow, has stolen all of America’s jobs in Vietnamese or Chinese rice paddies. “There’s [...]
The famous “in-flight magazine of Joe Lieberman and Air Force One,” The New Republic, wants to make you vomit blood for the next week. This is the only explanation for its most recent cover, in which a 400-year-old black-and-white space dragon is depicted and weighed as a possible victor over Barack Obama in the upcoming [...]
Tucked amid the Stupor Bowl teevee commercials for naked chocolate candies, cheesy salt chips, war pornography, and the latest domestic water-beers was this one featuring old Clint Eastwood, the next Bat-Man, scouring stadium catacombs for the The Joker or maybe the Taco Bell. “It’s halftime in America and our second half’s about to begin,” he [...]
Look, Rep. John Fleming is too busy putting food on the table with his $400,000 business income (after food expenses and all other expenses) to know that THE ONION is a satire publication and there are no plans for an $8 Billion Abortionplex in the works, as of now.
CPAC is this week! Have you bleached your American flag yet? Your Wonkette has and is looking forward to attending the world’s greatest annual conservative conference later this week. But until then: The pre-parties: What are they? Let’s take a look at the invitation someone forwarded us to this thing, the The Paul Weyrich Awards [...]
Irani Twitter freedom fighter Rep. Pete Hoekstra of Michigan is running for Senate now and goddamnit he will win, after producing this comically racist ad about the job-stealing Asian clown ladies who talk funny and hope you die of unemployment.
