In this great age of anus burgers and bacon-covered doughnuts, most of us will be killed by diabetes — and that means it would probably be smart to start donating to diabetes organizations right now. And next week, there’s a way to help fight diabetes in two ways: Grab life by the balls and participate in the 6th Annual Dodging Diabetes Charity Dodgeball Tournament next Sunday in Rockville. READ MORE »
Wonkabout
H Street NE is notable for its ill-paved streets and random assortment of eclectic bars and restaurants. It’s our very own Epcot-like recreation of Brooklyn! And because it’s deliberately thematic, it has managed to avoid the onslaught of bistros–nondescript, sterile, nice restaurants that thrive on euphemisms (“approachable cuisine” anyone?). But Smith Commons, a new restaurant on H Street is all that, and it leaves us wondering what’s becoming of this former open-air crack market. READ MORE »
Some cancers get big fancy races on the National Mall, the support of the NFL, full rights over a color, and the satisfaction of raising millions of dollars for education and research. Some cancers even get the support of the brothers Koch, which is morally confusing. Other cancers, though, have to settle for the donations people may or may not make after eating a free stack of buttermilk pancakes from their local 24-hour lard shop. It’s hard out there when you’re not America’s Favorite Cancer or America’s Villains’ Favorite Cancer, so if you feel like doing something to help eradicate Leukemia and/or Lymphoma, eat pancakes at IHOP today. READ MORE »
Saturday, February 26: Though you may prefer to spend your Saturday nights at a Beer Palace, sequestered in darkness and glazed in booze, there’s nothing wrong with doing something a little bit different this Saturday. Like learning about vaginas, for charity! V-Day D.C. will be performing The Vagina Monologues Saturday at 3PM and again at 7PM at the Universalist National Memorial Church. Tickets are $10. [Vagina Monologues] READ MORE »
Were you worried about the fate of upscale donuts? True, in D.C., they already come topped with bacon, or dipped in gold and stuffed with foie gras and whatnot, but this will not suffice. There is SO much potential for these little round balls of sugar that offer no nutritional value! Are they being served out of a truck? We didn’t think so. But have no fear, as our top priority is thinking of ways to make the artery-clogging food eaten by Real Americans into something so absurdly gluttonous that it’s good enough for People Like Us, we now have donut french toast. For brunch!
Would you look at that, the sun has decided to come out in D.C. in February, the most miserable and pointless of all months. Nothing good ever happens in February. Maybe it’s out because now that CPAC is over there are less wingnuts in town so the Sun can resume doing elite activities like shining. Or because, hooray, Washington is DONE with the Recession as D.C.’s super-rich hectomillionaires are once again able to doodle on their iPads and run off to France with ease! Sun or not, maybe it’s best to stay inside, forever. Now that there’s nothing good to watch on Al Jazeera Live anymore, here are some fun indoor activities patriotic Americans can do other than sitting at their desks watching porn: READ MORE »
- Thursday, February 17: Why should Valentine’s Day only be one day, when the holiday can bring joy/ money all month long? Now February is chocolate month, and this Thursday is “Chocolate Lover’s Day,” but at least it means free chocolate: Urbana, Firefly, and other Kimpton Hotels will be giving out complimentary chocolates and wine on Thursday from 5-7 PM. [GregsListDC]
The world’s largest retailer for the world’s largest customers, Wal-Mart, has decided to open four stores in the Nation’s Capital. For one (usually good) reason or another — China, jobs, lead poisoning, the destruction of entire American towns — people who have never had to suffer the fate of buying Wal-Mart boxes of corn-syrup Phat Clusterz or Hannah Montana jeggings still claim to despise these superstores. But there’s another reason to hate Wal-Mart, according to the wise leaders of Washington: Poor people are so entranced by the aisles and aisles of shiny junk, they just can’t stop themselves from shoplifting! READ MORE »
Valentine’s Day is just days after all the wingnuts’ convention in D.C. Could there be a connection between this massive get-together of heartless fools who love them some forcible rape (in the missionary position, of course) and the Pagan Day of Love? Nope, it’s just a coincidence! But once the wingnuts leave and Woodley Park/D.C. become inhabitable again, maybe you’d like to go out to celebrate your love, you little minx you? Or maybe you don’t care about this holiday! Either way, Valentine’s Day is a great day for an overly indulgent celebration or for some entirely unnecessary self-loathing. READ MORE »
Wednesday, February 9: The USDA has just targeted its first fancy-food victim in the War on Fat: pizza. It turns out that a slice of American factory-franchise pizza is supposedly not good for you. But what about the gigantic triangular cheese slabs purchased on the vomit-crusted streets of Adams Morgan, or the slices served out of a truck by a college graduate? And what about Pizzeria Paradiso, which serves excellent pizza that’s probably even kind of good for you, if you stick to a traditional thin-crust pie with tomato and olive oil and garlic and basil and a light sprinkling of Italian cheese? Select pizzas are half-off Tuesdays and Wednesdays from 5-7PM. [New York Magazine/ Pizzeria Paradiso] READ MORE »
Now that we’re all destined to become fat sacks of trash, it’s especially important that Washingtonians be able to easily access their beloved foodstuffs. Whereas in Real America, finding nutrient dense cow anus is as simple as following the sloshing sounds of jiggling fat to the nearest strip mall or drive-thru, finding semi-edible poison in D.C. can be slightly more challenging, as just four tiny snowflakes can render the entire city helpless. But the nation’s obesity epidemic will not thrive unless becoming fat is a joy everyone truly shares, and thanks to a new food delivery website, Washingtonians can now be equal participants in this march towards heart disease. Hooray! READ MORE »
This year’s Super Bowl may not include Tim Tebow lecturing America about nearly-aborted fetuses, but it has something even better: Lord Ronald Reagan! Some soulless libtards planned the Super Bowl to be on Reagan’s 100th birthday, so to make up for this, the event will now include a pre-game circle jerk tribute to this dead president. (Haha, most American’s will probably be too drunk/too busy with their chicken wings and sex slaves by kick-off to even notice it’s happening.) Why is football no longer just a safe space for pole dancing, strippers, and the occasional concussion? Here’s where to catch the big game in D.C. READ MORE »
Just eat less?: News alert: Because we are a nation of fat slobs, our government would like us to drink less sugar filled poison and stop eating spoonfuls of nitrates, lard and cat litter, even if it tastes good. Which in D.C. translates to, maybe only have bacon covered donuts once a month? The superb journalists at The New York Times, ever eager to mock D.C., used the photo from their “D.C. sure is full of fat people” article as the photo for their article about these new dietary guidelines. Aww, thanks! [New York Times] READ MORE »
In who knows how long (two, three years depending on Egypt?) our Chinese overlords will have complete control of America and only those who love pandas and have nimble fingers will survive. This is why it is essential that everyone chug some MSG and do some serious celebrating for the Chinese New Year, now America’s New Year, on Thursday. If all goes well, the holiday will get to be a part of the great American tradition of enjoying the food and alcohol of another culture on their special day without having to actually associate with the ethnic group. Gung Hey Fat Choy: Make your reservations now. READ MORE »
It snowed! Water! It fell from the sky and stuck to the ground! 500 million or so fewer inches of snow fell yesterday than fell during the Snowpocalypse, when D.C. was really knocked back to the stone ages; but the city was rendered helpless anyway, because that’s what always happens in your Nation’s Capital!
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