Wednesday, January 26: SOTU hangover? You want more Facebook and salmon? Alcohol is known to breed innovation, so GET OUT OF YOUR HAMMOCK and start drinking. Try Recessions, where drinks are half off every week night from 5-8PM. And thanks to D.C.’s inability to handle snow, the government would like you to head there right now. [Recessions DC, OPM] READ MORE »
Wonkabout
The State of the Union address is tonight! Hooray! It’s been a whole year since Obama screamed TAXCUTSTAXCUTSTAXCUTS and swore that we could all live in bipartisan glory. But this spectacle remains a favorite of Washingtonians who love any excuse to drink, talk politics and sound smarter than their friends. The platters have been ordered from Whole Foods, the rules have been set for the drinking game (THAT WAS CIVIL! SHOT! SHOT! SHOT!), a Kennedy relative recently passed away: it’s State of the Union time. READ MORE »
Here’s a tale you can tell your grandkids when they ask you what it was like to live in D.C. during the Chinese occupation: You can tell them that a restaurant made famous thanks to the eating habits of a fat man on the teevee — Hot N Juicy Crawfish — decided to open up its second location right here in our little liberal oasis! See, the teevee is good for something! Doesn’t the crawfish look so tasty? READ MORE »
Wednesday, January 19: The news that America is fated to become a Nation of Whores couldn’t have come at a better time for Washingtonians: Tonight you can attend the “How To Be Successful at Internet Dating” event at MadHatter. There you will learn how to maximize your online dating presence, the mysterious art of “meeting someone in person” (Maybe don’t have your first date be an early morning jog through Rock Creek park followed by drinks at the Black Squirrel?) as well as other key tricks to using the internet to increase your economic viability/find love in D.C. [GregsList DC]
Oh hey there, kids. Your Wonkabout disappeared for about a month or so to go to Thailand, but she’s now back at Wonkette Headquarters. What important developments happened in D.C. during her absence? H Street’s white people transporter was discontinued, the Washington Post proudly proclaimed that the “New York-ification” of the District is just beginning (!), and pork can now be consumed with even more ease at a shiny new bar on U Street. READ MORE »
Because everyone spent 2010 impoverished and hungry, watching luscious BP oil spill into the Gulf and belittling America by enjoying a sport loved by Latinos, New Year’s festivities this year may be a little less exciting. But as 2010 could very well be the last year America can even afford to have its own New Year’s celebration, there’s no sense in skipping the parties this year. May 2011 be the year you drink like you have preexisting condition, love like you’re gay in the military and fall back in love with our Kenyan Master. Hello, 2011! READ MORE »
Wednesday, December 22: The best thing about spending the days before Christmas in D.C. is that no one is here (including those who probably should still be here, to pass bills and such). The city is so pleasant and empty, making it the ideal time to go bars that would normally be teeming with people. Try the Blue Banana in Petworth. It’s a sports bar that may come with a side of hookers, but hey, they’re having an open bar tonight from 8 to 9PM, and tomorrow beer is half price all night. [The Blue Banana] READ MORE »
Thanks to all the limbless gay soldiers, 2011 could very well be the last full year our great earth exists. It’s a shame, really, considering how much we’ve invested in soldiers (even the gay ones) over the years. It’s also the year when D.C. will become One and we’ll have to say goodbye to dedicated bike lanes, wine bars, food trucks, et cetera, and so forth. It has Been Written that 2012 is The End, so we guess the only appropriate thing to do is make the best out of whatever 2011 we get. Unless we realize we’re all limbless gay soldiers who hate wine bars anyway? READ MORE »
For most Americans, Christmas is that special time when you gather your remaining pennies, find your way to the local 7-Eleven to finish your Christmas shopping and pray that, when you return home, the Baby Jesus left a job/house/car under your tree. But if you live in Washington, D.C. — a city that was just proclaimed to be wealthiest and most educated in the nation — there’s nothing like Christmas! It’s been Christmas since Halloween, but now it’s really actually almost Christmas. So go out and spend money, D.C., yes? READ MORE »
Thursday, December 16: Generation Obama-D.C. seems to have missed the part where Obama turned Republican and told his minions that he no longer loves them: At what could be the least merry holiday party EVER, they will be gathering to celebrate Progress (pass out resumes) at Hawk ‘n Dove on Thursday night from 6-9PM. $5. ["Celebrate The Progress" Happy Hour on Capitol Hill] READ MORE »
With Pissed-Off Obama desiring to completely alienate his base, it’s only a matter of time before we’re forced to start compromising everything we believe in. Soon Washingtonians will be eating turkey bacon and healthy foodstuffs, and maybe even feeling the recession. You may now enter your basement and not leave it for (at least) another two years. While you’re down there, try to survive off your basil plant and life-time supply of PBR; but if you can’t, it is possible to have foodstuffs delivered to you, at your door: READ MORE »
One thing I noticed the other night, while watching a girl stumble out of Tom Tom and fall headfirst into a cop car, is that people in DC sure do love to get drunk! Not that residents of other cities don’t also like to imbibe, of course, but I’ve never seen anyone in New York get to a happy hour so lickety-split as people in Dupont Circle, who straight up SWARM the Mad Hatter come 5 p.m. — and that place is nothing but a godforsaken morass of analysts trying to do missionary with still more analysts. Now that it’s the Holiday Season, when even responsible people turn to heavy drinking, it’s time for our Yuletide DC Drunken Ground Rules. READ MORE »
The New York Times did some superb journalism and wrote yet another article about how D.C. is all growed up! What did they focus on this time? That gay people live in D.C.? That a group of 20-somethings effectively run the government from their condos in Logan Circle? That white people live where black people once did? Not this time. This time their excellent reporting led them to the conclusion that D.C. is a city of fat slobs. READ MORE »
Wednesday, December 8: Obama loved the D.C. restaurant scene and would devour our rich-people hamburgers and gourmet junk food whenever he could. But just because the new Obama doesn’t want to have anything more to do with the silly intellectuals who came to D.C. for him and created a city in his image doesn’t mean you can’t be your sanctimonious self and drink to your favorite ideologies at any of D.C.’s liberal havens. Try Local 16: their happy hour goes until 8PM and their roof deck is heated. [Local 16] READ MORE »
Oh goody! Even if most of the country is currently sitting on the edge of their seats, wondering if they’ll be able to afford Ramen or chickpeas for Christmas Dinner, at least self-gifting is on the rise in famed not-America Washington, D.C. Hooray! There really has never been a better time to be rich/want a flat screen teevee. And, if Obama’s Great Compromise means that the rich will have more money than one can ever really spend, well then, it’s time to get spending in the District. READ MORE »
