8:18 MT — NANCCCCCCAY PELOSAAAAAY, the “Permanent Chair” of the four-day convention. She asks for the crowd to second the nomination of Joe Biden, and they all shout like hooligans. We think this is a little to casual…
8:19 — Here’s a lovely video about Joe, with his rowdy Catholic schoolmates. His wife died, but now he’s got this other gal, Jill, and she keeps him well. He’s a good father, says son Beau. Isn’t Bo like a horrible corporate lobbyist? Oh right, “Beau.”
8:22 — [Several minutes of Joe Biden hugging homeless hole-diggers and old mothers]
8:24 — Here comes Beau in real life, onto the stage. No he is not the corporate lobbyist. Beau punishes robbers in Delaware.
8:25 — Beau says his father used to skip “fancy cocktail parties” in Washington to hang out with his kids in loser Delaware. Sure, Beau… Joe Biden never went to corporate lobbyist cocktails parties ever… nothing sponsored by credit card companies or actual whores made of tainted hundred dollar bills.
8:28 — Why the fuck is Beau asking us to babysit his 65-year-old father? Is he on Depends already?
8:29 — There’s Joe, WHAT IS HE WEARING. Oh, just a blue tie, nevermind. Remember how crudely orange Hillary Clinton was last night? She was like a BASKETBALL she was just that orange.
8:31 — “Thank you thank you thank you. Jesus people, THANK YOU. Thank you. What is this, a CLAPPING FACTORY?”
8:32 — Ha ha, he’s already cursing. He said “Hell,” in the curse-y form, not in the “imaginary fire pit” form.
8:33 — He accepts the nomination. Thank god… this could’ve been a disaster for Christ’s sake.
8:35 — Joey B’s mom! When they showed her in this media filing room I’m in, all the reporters quietly laughed. Sick fucks. She’s just a nice old Irish gal.
8:36 — My mom used to make me beat the shit out of other children, he remembers.
8:37 — We’ve also got a paper copy of the speech, and he’s holding pretty well to it. You can see the little flourishes though. The paper copy says “fill up the car,” but what the hell does that mean? So Joe says live, “fill up the gas tank.” Ha ha, “fill up the car.”
8:39 — Now comes the segment of the speech where Biden will explain how Barry is the black Joe Biden. Joe Biden was born in a working class poor town, Barack Obama took his college degree and moved to one! Oh, this bizarre American fabric.
8:42 — He says, Barry Obama wants to take change “from Amtrak to veterans.” So we are going to bomb them both.
8:43 — “I fuck John McCain regularly. But what is going on with this clown now, eh?”
8:44 — **Word is that Barry Obama will appear onstage with Biden after his speech.
8:45 — He is saying “change” more than Barry ever has. Oh and this new slogan of theirs, “Change We Need.” Yes We Need!
8:46 — Isn’t he supposed to be talkin’ more guff ’bout John McCain? Enough about the damn energy green collars. This country will never have jobs.
8:48 — Oh look, he’s talking about Russia and Georgia, and calls the Bush Administration’s policy there an “absymal failure.” That must be one of his “zingers.”
8:50 — Now he’s just ranting about foreign policy and shitting all over grammar. We can’t have no timelines, trick biotch.
8:51 — We’ve watched Sebelius, Clinton, Bayh, Strickland, Warner, et cetera and so on, and so far Joe Biden is the only Democratic politician that doesn’t seem like a total fraud when he’s talking seriously.
8:53 — Oh look, it’s Barry!
8:54 — Good God, he really puts that mouth close to Joe when they’re embracing.
8:56 — That Barry is so smooth.
8:57 — Finally, this convention has some energy. Bill Clinton stares at Barry with that patented “open-mouthed half-retard” look of fraudulence.
8:59 — Walks offstage, tongues Nancy Pelosi, grimly shakes John Kerry, man-braces Bob Casey, and lo and behold, at the end of the stage there are at least 900 generations of the Biden family, all from the tri-state area and literally all female. Little girls, 90-year-old women, 50-year-old wives, and lastly, some utter dishes whose age we have no desire to determine, the end, goodnight.

Riot cops guard Denver’s most valuable institution: a filthy, exhaust-reeking parking garage overridden by jungle hobos fighting over raw steaks.

They had billy clubs, but also guns. They gave guns to the lady cops in honor of Hillary Clinton, the first woman to ever hold a job.

PINKY GREENBUTTS AND GRANNY GUEE-TAR HAVE OLD PEOPLE SEX ON THE STREET.

Swear to god, it’s not a green screen! It’s just Howard Wolfson in police gear, on a bike, staring daggers at the pinks.

8:56 PM — Wait, what? “Chain of Fools”? Really? The symbolism is thick. People are all clapping on 2 and 4, at least.
9:01 PM — Some loser comes out for more boring crap before Bill Clinton. Oh thank God here he is. Rapturous applause, etc. The nice thing about this terrible seat is at least you have a good view of the delegates on the floor. YESTERDAY’S GONE…
9:03 PM — If there are a whole bunch of Democrats in this audience who hate Bill Clinton for his tacky behavior during the primaries, they are being drowned out by all the screaming middle-aged women who still want to get with him. God, he is still more popular than his wife, isn’t he?
9:04 PM — “I am here as a proud mother, as a proud wife…” ha ha, just kidding. Well, he got the support for that other guy out of the way pretty quickly.
9:06 PM — Multiple reassurances that he and Hillary will not do anything terribly obvious to sabotage the Obama candidacy.
9:08 PM — We are sandwiched between very young page-looking people who have been scheming for an hour to get a better seat, and finding none, they have settled for standing up and blocking the view of the very irritated people behind them. On the plus side, one of their jackets is covering your editor’s chilled shoulder. It is still deathly cold in here, even in this arena of like 40,000 people.
9:10 PM — Michelle Obama does not like this man at all. Her seething distrust is visible even on the 75% obscured Jumbotron across the hall. Oh, right. Bill Clinton is talking. Too bad we can’t hear a fucking word of it.
9:12 PM — “Barack Obama is ready to be president of the United States.” Now was that so hard? He is talking about leveraging things now, and global warming and biological weaponds. But enough about Obama! Let’s talk about how Bill Clinton singlehandedly defeated AIDS, with his many corporate sponsors.
9:16 PM — “Wonderful new jobs for our young people.” Well, that sounds nice. We’ll take three! Oh, nice line — something about the power of our example rather than the example of our power. Now everyone in the audience wants to have sex with Bill Clinton and USA!
9:18 PM — Ooh, Angry Bill Clinton came tonight. Finally Michelle cracks a smile. This arena is too large for everyone to shout “Yes we can!” in unison. It echoes around the hall. Tomorrow night will be a disaster.
9:20 PM — He has a great talent for explaining things in a way that make sense to stupid people. This is a vital talent for any American politician, and one we fear is lacking in Barack Obama, who “trusts in people’s intelligence” or whatever. Like this bit that Clinton just said about “the Republicans want us to reward them for the last eight years with four more” — reward and punishment, even morons get that. Labrador retrievers get that.
9:23 PM — Clinton: I was young before Barack Obama was young. But we are maybe too hard on him. He still gives a good speech, and lays it all out very simply and forcefully.
9:25 PM — And WOW that’s it? So succinct! Next up, some boring live sex shows until Biden comes out on a carpet of human hair. Stay tuned.

6:12 PM — Denver time, in the Mountains of Humidity and Oppressive Heat. Nobody has “vetted or edited” Bill Clinton’s speech. Obama’s staff finally got a look at it, a few minutes ago. It will “likely run much longer” than it’s supposed to, which is about normal for Ol’ Windbag From Hope.
6:13 PM — Bill will mention Obama about 10 words in, according to CNN.
6:16 PM — Sorry we missed that “nomination by altitude acclimation” or whatever; massive traffic jams around the Pepsi Center this evening, with (again) a completely random set of different streets closed off. Here is maybe the explanation for Hillary doing whatever?
6:17 PM — In other words, it was a very historic and brave perfect thing that Hillary did, letting Barack go ahead and have his nomination without more embarrassing wrestling on the teevee.
6:28 PM — What is this shit noise? Did John Cougar show up? Somebody kill it.
6:29 PM — Oh, it was Melissa Ethridge.
6:44 PM — A motorcade pulled up to the Pepsi Center, and Bill Clinton is maybe inside one of those cars!
6:45 PM — Several other people will bore us first: Bayh, some Nevada delegate, Jack Reed, Tom Daschle, THEN Clinton. This will never be over. Wait, but that’s Jack Reed speaking now, isn’t it?
6:59 PM — “Chain of Fools.”
7:00 PM — It’s happening! Sara is about to take over with the new liveblog.
7:01 PM — Here is your new link, go on over, and drink whenever Clinton talks about himself.