What are these two future co-presidents of Walmerica talking about, high above the commoners at CPAC? Nothing that makes any sense, that is for sure! Also is there some sort of Behind the Music style sob story to explain why 1980s teen teevee heartthrob Kirk Cameron is now reduced to hanging out with a spoiled pot roast like Samuel Wurzelbacher? READ MORE »
What the hell was Steve King’s speech to CPAC about? All we got from this video and transcript snippet was something about “janitors which were nancy Stasi troops” sneaking around his office at night stealing his “black market light bulbs,” so he sent his interns on a rescue mission to get new ones that the gay Nazis were not allowed to molest. So what did you do with the light bulbs then, Steve? READ MORE »
Cadaverous walking smirk Rick Santorum must still be high on endorphins from Tuesday’s surprise threesome in some meaningless/game-changing voting things. Having seen how turgid the prospects of Abortionplexes and FEMA-officiated gay marriage have been making conservative voters of late, Santorum is preparing a new front in the Culture Wars that, incidentally, also feed and shod his family. So, uh, down with Barack Obama and his quest to force Catholics to ordain lady priests like a bunch of common Episcopalians! READ MORE »
OH LOOK WHO IS IN WASHINGTON, D.C. this weekend, like her mother. CPAC brings out all the best stars! Also like her mother, no one is interested in paying Bristol Palin to yap these days, so she must offer as bribery a free signed copy of her senior year diary to the “first one hundred people to RSVP.” Aaaahahahahaha. So does that mean the four people who show up will have to take home 25 signed copies each? READ MORE »
Good news: They let us in! Bad News: They let us in. The Marriott Wardman Hotel & Conference Centre is much like a mall where you can’t find anything except the big anchor store, which is Mitch McConnell. But alas, after stepping over a few mass graves, we checked into CPAC for Wonkete.com. Jesus, even Cindy McCain knows there are two T’s. READ MORE »
According to the RNC’s Twitter droppings, handouts and giveaways are actually Patriotic, so long as they are given to wall-eyed fetus fetishists at CPAC and not the 670 million poors currently bankrupting the Federal treasury. Jim Newell, please enjoy your courtesy racist Barack Obama USB dongle! [RNC]
What is loopy church lady Rick Santorum whining about now? As he goes crazier, in public, Santorum has stopped bothering with traditional approaches to speaking and now just tosses out “They” a couple of times, mentions religion and then throws in France, for weird measure — and he pronounces “France” as guillotine. It’s marvelous. But he is attacking the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution here, is he not? Will Rick Santorum finally demand the repeal of the Bill of Rights? READ MORE »
Steve Holland, Democratic Representative of Mississippi, has embraced the latest trend of taunting the powers that be with a bill proposing renaming the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of America! H.B. 150 was introduced to Mississippi’s Marine Resources Committee this week, and it contains real words about why this is potentially actually happening (knowing Mississippi, which is a beacon of change). Fittingly, Holland doesn’t even mention the Gulf of Mexico BY NAME in ANY part of this bill, which is a mere 12 lines long. He, turning his head away in feigned disgust as he typed the words, trying hard to hold back his lunch, calls it “the body of water that is located directly south of Hancock, Harrison and Jackson Counties.” READ MORE »
Ohio Gov. John Kasich gave his State of the State speech this week and how did that go, The Hill? “Kasich’s speech was laced with repeated mentions of his wife, Karen Kasich, an impersonation by the governor of someone with severe Parkinson’s disorder, and a reference to Californians as ‘wackadoodles.’” Sounds like it went well. Wait… can we see that again? “Kasich’s speech was laced with repeated mentions of his wife, Karen Kasich, an impersonation by the governor of someone with severe Parkinson’s disorder, and a reference to Californians as ‘wackadoodles.’” Emphasis ours! READ MORE »
The official motto of some obscure Air Force acquisitions office WAS, translated from Latin, “Doing God’s work with other people’s money.” Ha ha. They at least have a morose sense of humor about using taxpayer money to procure killing machines! UNTIL, that is, some cabal of whining atheists complained bitterly about the use of any reference to God, even in this joking context, and the inside-joke motto was changed to, “Doing miracles with other people’s money.” YAWN. The joke is kind of ruined! HOUSE REPUBLICANS TO THE RESCUE with a completely irony-free letter signed by 35 lawmakers demanding to know, “what are you atheists doing removing references to God from anything military?!?!” even though, like we mentioned, JOKE. READ MORE »
Rick Santorum knew just what the Jews of South Carolina wanted to hear around Hanukkah time: A quote from Jesus in the New Testament threatening people who don’t follow him. That means you, Jews! Oh, brother. Also: “Holiday Season”? There is no such thing. Rick Santorum hates Christmas. [via Hunter Walker]
Conservative teen pop star Ken Cuccinelli, Virginia’s attorney general, is using the hot news about all those dead rats found everywhere in the cleaned-out Occupy DC encampment to bring up one of his biggest fears: That a recent federal law will end up dumping all of DC’s many filthy rats into the Maryland and Virginia suburbs, killing everyone. Will it? All we can do now is pray that yes, it will. READ MORE »
Americans seem a tad unhappy with the club of corrupt kleptocrats running their government these days; seems about as good a time as any for Congress to give the go ahead to the military and private corporations to fill our skies with stealth spy-death machines to help keep an eye on protesters traffic conditions, maybe? To be fair, it must be incredibly annoying for the Department of Homeland Security to have to sit there combing Twitter all day long trying to figure out who needs some reedumacating, in Gitmo. And anyway, why should the CIA be the only ones having all the surveillance drone FUN? READ MORE »
The pussies (meant lovingly) (ehh) who run CNN have suspended a member of the network’s “Best Political Team on Television,” Roland Martin, the jovial ascot-wearing fellow who appears on television to play with David Gergen and Ari Fleischer on election nights. Did he kidnap Wolf Blitzer’s wife or something? No, we’ve all done that. He did, however, make Twitter jokes about a soccer player’s underpants during the Super Bowl. The gays are furious. He will now do penance and reform himself, in the hopes of returning to television as a classy figure like Erick Erickson. READ MORE »
To make a point, which is a thing that congresspersons occasionally do, Democrat Constance Johnson, State Senator from Oklahoma, proposed an amendment to the state’s personhood bill this week that would render punishable by law ANY sperm that does not enter into a competition with its squiggly brethren to make a baby! The personhood bill, spearheaded by some Republican freaks, is intended to define life as beginning at conception, i.e. a zygote should have all the rights of an actual born human, like being allowed to get married to a person of the same sex in the state of California, ahahhaa. Senate Bill 1433 states that an unborn child “at every stage of development [has] all the rights, privileges, and immunities available to other persons, citizens, and residents of this state.” Johnson’s amendment, intended to highlight the insanity of this, essentially states that Each Sperm Must Find Its Egg. Amazing. READ MORE »
