Wonkette

There is a little bit of fine print in the Gay American Bylaws stating that donors to Republican candidates will be expelled immediately from one or both elite organizations. Thus Jonathan Crutchley, a McCain contributor and chairman of the gay pickup site Manhunt, had to resign his position on the board lest he be forcibly turned heterosexual and spend the rest of his life wearing ill-fitting shirts from LL Bean. Meanwhile, John McCain returned Crutchley’s donation in order to avoid the Gay Taint. [Towleroad/Boston Herald]

Looky here at the wretched abomination decorating the so-called “credentials” for the sodomite heathen drug orgy to be held in a Denver pleasure dome next week. Double fail times negative 18 million whore diamonds for B. Hussein NO0bama and his upside-down Satanist American flag, which is an evil hologram from space. [9 News]

Kathleen Portalksi is no Cooter Obama, but she’ll do! This lady is 11 years older than her more famous half-sister, Cindy McCain. And when their father (Jim Hensley) died, he left just $10,000 to Kathleen and bequeathed his entire massive beer fortune to Cindy. That is pretty fucking harsh. MORE »

Someone supposedly got a “screen shot” of some CNN article that was “taken down” before anyone could read it. The article relates in terrible, misspelled prose the curious tale of how an aide accidentally pressed the send button rather than the save button on an email announcing Barack Obama’s vice presidential pick. And then that aide put the turkey to bed and put the baby in the oven, and when she woke up a bloody hook was hanging right outside the window. The aide was then murdered for spamming 2 million Obama supporters with her crap. [Free Republic]

The Associated Press will begin its stint as a Wonkette Intern next week. [AP]

• Russian troops seized the Black Sea port of Poti for about four hours this morning. They have yet to withdraw forces from Georgia. [Wall Street Journal, New York Times]
• Everybody can agree on Obama’s short list for vice president, but nobody knows who he’ll pick. [Washington Post]
• One thing is certain: John McCain will attempt to temper Barack Obama’s post-convention bounce by announcing his vice presidential pick (MITT ROMNEY) on August 29. [Politico]
• Former satellites of the Soviet empire are looking east to Georgia and wondering, who’s next? [Los Angeles Times]
• Our do-nothing Congress has passed many important resolutions in favor of watermelons. [Wall Street Journal]
• John McCain and Barack Obama agree that Pervez Musharraf’s decision to resign was a good one. [The Hill]

DIRT CROSS COLLAPSE: “The White House’s response to the Russia/Georgia war gets a smirking ‘whatever’ from Moscow. Who are we to be telling anyone not to invade little countries? We’ve been doing it with great fanfare and steady failure since Vietnam, and we’re bogged down in so many doomed occupations today that Robot Troops are the only hope. Maybe we can buy some from Japan, on credit. Or that famous swimmer Michael Phelps can save the country by, uh, swimming very fast to various problem zones, like Aquaman.” [Political Machine]

• THE ONLY TRUE MCCAIN-VIETCONG STORY? John McCain on his North Vietnamese captors: “A lot of them were homosexual.” [Gawker/Queerty]

OBAMATARDS, SIT BY YR CELLPHONES: Because we have, what else, a DRUDGE FLASH: “The NYT newsroom was buzzing late Monday afternoon after Obama-beat reporter Jeff Zeleny learned how the Dem hopeful has now finalized his choice for a running-mate. Obama has set out an elaborate roll-out to announce his decision that will begin with an early morning e-mail to supporters, perhaps as early as Tuesday, Zeleny and Adam Nagourney have been told.” Text “VP” to 62262 if you want Barry to personally text you first with a picture of his veep’s private partz. UPDATE: Mark Halperin says “he is wrong.” We will wait for the Politico tie-breaker vote to see how the Triumvirate Council Of Horse Race Lies ultimately decides. [Drudge Report]

Look everyone, we are returning “this thing,” your end-of-the-day roundup of political news. New Wonkette Intern JULI will write it. Very nicely welcome Intern Juli!

• Why won’t McCain lose his own 11 homes and $520 moccasins to foreclosure, in solidarity? [The Caucus]
• Four alarm symbolism! John “son-of-a-mill-worker” Edwards’ precious mill burned to the ground yesterday. [Fresh Intelligence]
• McCain is choosing every resident of Ohio as his Vice President. [Marc Ambinder]
• Respected journalist Jerome Corsi links McCain to jihadists in Muslim Kosovo and the St. Regis Hotel. [World Net Daily]
• McCain insists Obama is disguising his shameful ambition with “claims” and “positions” on Iraq. [Top of the Ticket]
• Thumb-sucker/Freudian caricature Sally Quinn wants John McCain to transform into a winged horse and rescue her from an earthquake, just like she used to fantasize her father doing. [On Faith]
• Only the Libertarians can save children from horrible field trips to Mark Twain’s house. [Hit and Run]