Michigan senatorial candidate Rep. Pete Hoekstra — pronounced “HOOKER,” in his terrorist Dutch inflection — went on the teevee yesterday to defend his comically racist ad about the evil lady in China or Vietnam (who cares) who, thanks to Sen. Debbie Stabenow, has stolen all of America’s jobs in Vietnamese or Chinese rice paddies. “There’s nothing in here that has a racial tint at all,” derpeth the clown. Hmm… so then why was the evil Asian lady’s image titled “yellowgirl” as it actually was on the hilarious companion racist website DebbieSpendItNow.com? READ MORE »
What can America ever do to make it up to Michele Bachmann? She gave up the ghost on her presidential aspirations (THIS TIME) after voters in Iowa ditched her for a robot, a frog, a sweater vest, and a belt with an onion tied to it. Wouldn’t you take this insult to your grave? Bachmann certainly intends to, sure as you’re born, since by her own admission, “America had their chance with the perfect candidate,” i.e., Michele Bachmann. READ MORE »
The number one reason nobody likes pedantic swamp bubble Newt Gingrich is because of all the horrible things they are reading about him on his Wikipedia page, obviously. Why else would Newt campaign spokesman Joe DeSantis spend so much time glued to his computer belaboring minor edits to Newt and Callista’s Wikipedia entries that even CNN finally bothered to notice and make fun of it? READ MORE »
Would-be aborted black fetuses have found a new friend in Rep. Trent Franks (of Arizona, sigh) and the collected shiny-faced grinners of the House Republican caucus. A clever woods-goblin has planted into these congressmen’s heads the notion that “abortion is the leading cause of death in the black community,” and not the official NIH-sanctioned answer of “terminal flank pain, secondary to laughing at congressional imbeciles.” Now the caucus is circulating a memo in support of the subtly titled Susan B. Anthony and Frederick Douglass (GET IT?!) Prenatal Nondiscrimination Act, which was aborted failed to reach mark-up when it was last put forward but which will probably reach viability make it to a floor vote this time around. READ MORE »
The famous “in-flight magazine of Joe Lieberman and Air Force One,” The New Republic, wants to make you vomit blood for the next week. This is the only explanation for its most recent cover, in which a 400-year-old black-and-white space dragon is depicted and weighed as a possible victor over Barack Obama in the upcoming snoozeburger election. We will not read it. So … who wants to see more gross close-ups of this cover though? This is what you want! READ MORE »
Oh, so the war in Afghanistan is supposed to end soon-ish, like next year, maybe? Sure, we’ve done a pretty good job leaving that country on the brink of yet another horrifying civil war, NEXT. It is now Iran’s turn to be liberationed! Forty-nine percent of Americans, which for you statistically-minded folk means “probably at least one or even multiple people that you know,” believes the United States should start a preemptive war with Iran despite otherwise appearing in possession of the requisite faculties to breathe, eat, take a shit and respond to basic questions from a pollster that should denote sentience. Kind of weird, right!? Also weird: Americans felt as recently as November of last year (by a two-to-one margin) that other famed preemptive war “the Iraq thing” was a really awful waste of human life, money, human life, human life, time, etc. But HELLO, it is February 2012 already, and the troops are home since December! Which means it is time to send them all back out again. READ MORE »
Tucked amid the Stupor Bowl teevee commercials for naked chocolate candies, cheesy salt chips, war pornography, and the latest domestic water-beers was this one featuring old Clint Eastwood, the next Bat-Man, scouring stadium catacombs for the The Joker or maybe the Taco Bell. “It’s halftime in America and our second half’s about to begin,” he says, to cringes everywhere. But the ad’s main point is just “Hey let’s hope the Chrysler car company gets back on its feet.” Sure, that sounds fine! Unless you’re known anus Karl Rove, who is offended by Eastwood’s hope for the recovery of one of America’s large companies. READ MORE »
Look, Rep. John Fleming is too busy putting food on the table with his $400,000 business income (after food expenses and all other expenses) to know that THE ONION is a satire publication and there are no plans for an $8 Billion Abortionplex in the works, as of now. READ MORE »
CPAC is this week! Have you bleached your American flag yet? Your Wonkette has and is looking forward to attending the world’s greatest annual conservative conference later this week. But until then: The pre-parties: What are they? Let’s take a look at the invitation someone forwarded us to this thing, the The Paul Weyrich Awards Dinner — Wednesday night! — which “honors those who have made a major contribution to advancing the cause of liberty through organizations and media and whose work reflects beliefs, principles and convictions that are harmonious with Paul’s own values.” Yet K-Lo only gets one nomination? We’re picking winners right now. READ MORE »
Is everyone super excited about the “Diamond Jubilee” of America’s queen of hearts, Elizabeth II? They should be, after her exciting performance at yesterday’s American football spectacular “half time.” Here is the well-known story we all recite to ourselves each night before flogging our own flesh with a thorny wooden portrait of Our Queen: Sixty years ago in a Kenyan treehouse, the reptilian beast-demon known as Princess Elizabeth took part in a loathsome ritual involving swords and cups and other such things. “Liz” — short for “Lizard” — had spent the previous day drunk with a prince-ling, surrounded by herds of bewitched elephants. This is literally what happened, when she became our Queen Mum. READ MORE »
In a shocking turn of events, the birther trial in Georgia of which Orly Taitz tries to be a part despite the fact that she can’t practice law in Georgia (and probably anywhere else) has ruled in favor of sanity i.e. Obama! Which means that Taitz, who evidently steals bedspreads from Las Vegas hotels and fashions them into suits, has now ordered an “emergency appeal,” which is the kind of thing that Actual Lawyers use when their client is about to be put to death, etc. But for Orly Taitz one Georgia citizen’s loss of a trial to prove Obama is a heathen from abroad is AKIN TO DEATH, so, writing in five different fonts, including underrated favorite of seventh-grade history presentations, StageCoach, and using, variously, all-caps, bold and underline to convey her point, Taitz has ordered for the criminal investigation of the presiding judge in the case, Michael Malihi, and Obama’s lawyers, and of course Obama, as well as, probably, the court typist, the courtroom attendants, and that one elderly lady who was drinking from the water fountain outside the courtroom when the trial let out. READ MORE »
Here’s some more awkward humor from the robot comedy that is Mitt Romney’s 2012 ascent to the GOP nomination: Mittens actually did worse on Saturday in the Nevada GOP caucus than he did back in 2008. This time around, “Inevitable Willard” got 50.1%, or a little less than his winning total back in the 2008 Nevada caucus. So, knowing that he was on the way to wrapping up the nomination, his loyal Mormon supporters in rural Nevada decided to … back off a bit. Another definitive win for the Multimillionaire of Moroni! READ MORE »
Irani Twitter freedom fighter Rep. Pete Hoekstra of Michigan is running for Senate now and goddamnit he will win, after producing this comically racist ad about the job-stealing Asian clown ladies who talk funny and hope you die of unemployment. READ MORE »
Question for the ages: Why do so many former Bush flunkies simply refuse to STAY FLUSHED? Ex-Bush spokesman Ari Fleischer, for example, continues to circle the Beltway bowl as a human resources intern or some such at the Susan G. Komen Foundation. What a mighty non-coincidence, indeed, that a refugee from the colossally failed Bush administration would find himself orbiting yet another organization collapsing upon itself like a stupid and inexplicably pro-life dying star. Marvel at your universe today. READ MORE »
For a brief moment, our First Lady Michelle Obama’s appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres show was all fun and games. Our FLOTUS danced her way onto the stage in her usual style and then sat down with Ellen to discuss (what else?) Barack Obama’s socks. The gossip is that Barack Obama does not pick up his socks! But our FLOTUS did not really go all the way out to the Ellen show to discuss the White House cleaning services. It was, of course, all about Let’s Move! and childhood obesity. And we would be very bored by this, except that this time, the jackets came off! Our Michelle revealed her workout secrets and then got down on the floor to demonstrate why everyone must fear the arms of America’s First Lady of Fitness. And then some right-wing people on the Internet used their personal mobility devices to drive across the living room to the ‘puter, to complain about the first lady’s “form.” READ MORE »
