Hello, humans. My name is Jim. I used to edit this stupid website for two or three years back when it was stupider, in The Roaring Twenties. READ MORE »
There was another caucus, apparently! The reason nobody noticed is because it was in Nevada, which is actually home to lots of Republican-voting Mormons. (Take out the corporate prostitution resort of Las Vegas in the southern corner of the state, and Nevada is just a sparsely populated length of mountains and desert right next to Utah.) But Romney is programmed to treat all wins the same, no matter how expected and no matter how few delegates are at stake, so the beaming Mittens will be transported out of Nevada by personal corporate jet with at least 10 delegates but certainly nothing like the 50 he picked up in Florida. The only pressing question is whether a cheap Huffington Post gimmick like putting “Super Bowl” in the headline will increase the page views for this post. READ MORE »
Oh noes, National Review Online editors are feeling a touch put out that they went to all the “trouble” of holding a group fap session righteously congratulating the Susan G. Komen foundation for cutting off grants to Planned Parenthood and then posted the account of it online only for the charity to admit shortly thereafter that it had decided to restore the funding because of UGH, LIBERALS. “Does anyone on the Left even ask the basic question of whether a private charitable organization has the right to dispose of its money as it sees fit?” demands to know NRO Corner blogger Daniel Foster, sassily. Yeah, why can’t charities just do what they want with their money in PEACE? It is THEIR MONEY, after all, that they collected off the money-growing trees, probably. READ MORE »
Attention, President Obama! Mousy Mormon Senator Orrin Hatch would like to have a word with you in the undersea Holocaust-victim baptizing chamber. Hatch will be doing that thing he always does, that raisin-mouthed, monotonous, mild-mannered smug thing he uses to cloak all manner of backwards beliefs and statements. The decrepit senator from Utah is currently offended because Barack Obama had the absolute gall to directly quote a famous Biblical character like Jesus Christ at the National Prayer Breakfast and thereby make this annual networking event/affront to the Constitution tawdry and, what’s worse, political! READ MORE »
The Internet is chock full of dumb two-day fads, but there might be some real staying power in the concept of “Tea Party Jesus,” a Tumblr site that combines images of the Loving Jesus with cartoon speech bubbles full of 100% real quotes from leading right-wing Republicans who self-identify as “family values Christians.” READ MORE »
Have you heard about the strangest new craze in breast cancer charities, the kind that doesn’t actually want to fight breast cancer? This for a brief period was the Susan G. Komen Foundation, the behemoth breast cancer research charity always running around madly putting pink ribbon stickers on everything from yogurt cups to professional football players, after they inexplicably hired rabidly anti-choice wingnut Karen Handel to the Senior VP of Public Policy spot last year (following Handel’s failed run for Georgia governor despite/because of Sarah Palin’s endorsement, hahahah). The foundation then decided they didn’t want to pay Planned Parenthood to help low-income lady people get free breast cancer screenings anymore, in case the ladies might accidentally get an abortion on the way down the hall to the mammography machine. And THEN they lied to everyone about the reason for the decision and said it was because some wingnut Congressman in Florida is “investigating” Planned Parenthood and they can’t give money to organizations being fake investigated by nutjobs. BUT NOW that is all over with, HOORAY, because as soon as the Internet found out about all this a few days ago, it also made a decision, to stop giving money to a pro-breast cancer charity and give all their monies directly to Planned Parenthood instead. So Komen has come back to say NO WAIT DIDN’T MEAN IT WE LURV PLANNED PARENTHOOD. READ MORE »
Mittens-hating muffin is noooot too psyched about what happened in Florida on Tuesday. HE LOST. GOODBYE. Oh, you’re still here. Instead of accepting that no one south of the very Southern north of Florida likes him at all, Gingrich has suddenly decided that the winner-takes-all ruling on the Florida primary is about as fair as Mitt Romney being liked by even so much as one person in this world, let alone a couple million. So, following a Hispanic roundtable in Las Vegas on Thursday, Gingrich spokesperson R.C. Hammond told a group of reporters that the Gingrich campaign will be petitioning the Republican Party of Florida to try to get the state’s 50 delegates awarded proportionally. Responded the state’s Republican Party chairman, Lenny Curry, “It is a shame when the loser of a contest agrees to the rules before, then cries foul after losing.” ISN’T IT THOUGH? READ MORE »
12) That time Michele Bachmann compared herself to a serial killer.
11) Stress-eating at the mere sight of Chuck Todd’s facial hair.
10) Donald Trump’s very good relationship with “the blacks.”
9) Jon Huntsman speaking Mandarin.
8) “The Original, Famous Ron Paul Survival Kit.”
7) Tim Pawlenty. (He was so benign!) READ MORE »
Why is Donald Trump in the news again? Wasn’t he banished for the rest of 2012? Guess not. Besides the dingle-dongle Endorse Newt vs. Endorse Mittens moment of this morning, vulgar hair-weave troglodyte Donald Trump is also planning to bury people in his tacky country club golf course graveyard in New Jersey. Give Trump some credit for trying to sell something most people who “lucked into money” in New Jersey desperately fear: being buried in a landfill by their mob boss. READ MORE »
O blessed day! Breathing desert mirage Sharron Angle has emerged from her candle-lit study, after a meticulous examination of the remaining combatants for head GOP clown, to anoint the weirdest available clown of them all, Rick Santorum! She shuffled her thoughts about, then stapled them together and literally read them aloud, right there on Fox — just like she imagines the real politicians do! Politico is delicately referring to her endorsement as a “shot in the arm” for the Santorum campaign. Which, HELLO FRIEND, that’s not how Earth works!!! You cannot re-animate the corpse of a chupacabra. Like Santorum’s campaign, it doesn’t really exist, it cannot die, and it will never gallop triumphantly off into the sunset. Just not happening. It will haunt the landscape forever, unseen and yet everywhere. READ MORE »
PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIC! John McCain is all hot tears and snot right now over $600 billion in automatic cuts to defense spending triggered by the laughably predictable failure of the debt supercommittee last fall, so WALNUTS and his merry band of warhawks are stomping around the Senate hunting for government jobs to axe from the budget as a sacrifice to the war gods, in hopes of preventing the cuts from taking effect next year. Would five percent of the federal government workforce appease you, o Thor or Huitzilopocthli or Ares or Jesus or whoever wants to listen, COME ON HERE? READ MORE »
OKAY guys Rick Santorum did not want to have to point out something quite so obvious and all, but he’s just going to give it to America as super straight as the super straight microphone-sucker he is: the health care crisis is due to everyone purchasing iPads when they should be buying their medicines instead. Why would Americans consistently choose the latest Apple product over staying alive? Because everyone’s priorities are just MESSED UP. (You can now add the ghost of Steve Jobs to the list of evil gay abortionist warrior heathens conspiring to ruin civilization.) Sure, Rick Santorum. So if everyone saves that $900 for medicine, everyone will then have health care, like in Canada? READ MORE »
Rick Tyler, Newt Gingrich’s former communications director and now the head of his super PAC Bloviating About Our Future, had/created a terrible time on MSNBC following Tuesday’s primary in Florida. Rachel Maddow had Tyler on during her primary coverage to talk about whether Gingrich’s superbly negative Florida not-victory speech was using “racially coded language” to try to “appeal to Southern white conservatives.” Maddow said she personally thought Gingrich was using language “designed to call on resentment of African American achievement in this country.” Tyler immediately accused MNSBC of “race baiting” and then launched into an insane analysis of how the Democrats have failed African Americans. The subtext was that Democrats are racist because they support abortion. EH? READ MORE »
We were skimming the FoxNews.com website looking for some of those “free Medicare scooter” ads, but got distracted by the important news of terrible writer/awful person Ayn Rand’s 107th birthday. She doesn’t look a day over 106 … objectively. Objectively-ist. Anyway, we hope she’s enjoying being tortured for Eternity in Hell, for not believing in Jesus and denying His one command for all humanity: “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must Love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Anyway, how are Ayn Rand’s terrible followers celebrating the day a kind woman selflessly gave birth to a child and then cared for it, instead of feeding Baby Ayn to the cat? READ MORE »
Why aren’t teachers allowed to earn more money according to Alabama state Senator/ evil leprechaun “Shadrack McGill?” Uh, because it is against the Bible to trick people who are not supposed to be teachers according to God’s will into wanting to be teachers just for the sweet, sweet salary. “It’s a Biblical principle. If you double a teacher’s pay scale, you’ll attract people who aren’t called to teach,” McGill argues alarmingly earnestly for an adult human. That’s cool, so teachers should all think of themselves as wise, poor socialists doing the Lord’s work, like Jesus? READ MORE »
