Wonkette

Glenn Beck’s wingnut bitch is still, shockingly, losing in the famous NY-23 race — and this after a real-life campaign appearance from Fred Thompson and his trophy wife! Ha ha ha it is 49% to 46%, Owens over Hoffman, with 78% or so of precincts reporting. MORE »

Here is a photograph of New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine’s greatest accomplishment in the last four years, when he crashed his car. Between his two runs, Jon Corzine has spent approximately $700 million of his own money trying to win one of the least desirable jobs in politics: the guy who has to raise taxes on a populace of constipated slobs who can’t even pump their own gas, by law. Will he luck out and lose tonight to the very fat Chris Christie? The television will tell us. MORE »

That’s Jefferson Davis, in the picture! Nearly 150 years ago, Jefferson Davis moved to Richmond, Virginia to become the first president of a new country where slaves could still pick the cotton, and indigo. Davis’ run came to an end eight years ago, when Democrat Mark Warner stole Davis’ Richmond mansion and all of its slaves. Democrat Tim Kaine did the same to Mark Warner four years later. But now it is Republican Bob McDonnell’s turn to take the mansion and slaves back from the liberals, the end. Polls close in a few minutes! Wolf Blitzer says he is “so excited,” oh ho ho… MORE »

It has been some time since we used to liveblog election results every single Tuesday for months at a time, so let’s do it tonight, on “Election Day 2009,” which has brought about as much excitement and suspense as the May 3, 2008 Democratic primary in Guam. The powers-that-be, like dicks, have constructed a system in which Virginia polls close at 7:00, New Jersey polls close at 8:00, and New York polls close at 9:00. We will start here at 6:45ish and just cold motherfuckin’ type all night long. CNN has definitely issued a release promising NINE MILLION ANALYSTS for its panel tonight, and you cannot miss any of them! Now go stock up on alcohol & guns and return for ridiculous insanity-typing that, we promise, will only be tangentially related to politics.

We all know that the ACORN organization — which has nothing better to do — is actively trying to steal the NY-23 special election from God’s candidate, Doug Hoffman, and give it to a randomly selected black aborted fetus on welfare, so it should come as no surprise that certain “local Democratic officials” (ACORN thugs) are calling the cops on Hoffman supporters outside polling locations for all sorts of ginned-up charges, as part of its ACORN Fear Campaign. MORE »

• SARAH PALIN’S MOST INSPIRATIONAL FACEBOOK PROSE YET: It puts a tear or zero in our eyes on this, this historic election day that no one cares about: “Please take time today to exercise the right that so many people fought to secure for us. In considering these east coast races, it occurred to me that Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and so many of the women who fought to give future generations the right to vote hailed from these states.” In other words, as her hero Susan B. Anthony once said, “Vote with your vag, ladies.” Today, this means voting for an asexual robot male in Virginia, Glenn Beck’s male wingnut bitch in New York, and the fattest male goblin alive in New Jersey. [Sarah Palin's Facebook]

Here is a clip from today’s White House press briefing, in which the hairiest man alive grills Robert Gibbs: what do you think your perception of the perception of the political perception of current political politics will be if political things happen for Democrats or Republicans in the political governors’ races in Virginia and New Jersey? Will Obama ultimately win or lose today in the politicals of political off-year politics but then something something 2010 win lose draw? Is Obama’s a failed presidency because of stuff? [YouTube]

Queen Birther mop-head and famed lawyer-dentist Orly Taitz has some big news on her website: OMG OMG SARAH PALIN ACCEPTED!! So awesome! [Orly Taitz Esq.]

• Oh no. Oh no no no. What is this? What … how? Democratic “gangbangers,” gangbanging doors, with flyers? And a video — a terrifying video! — of an anonymous woman, who fears for her dear sweet life … HELP! NEW JERSEY DEMOCRATIC FLYER-GANGBANGERS! [Hot Air]
• Michelle Malkin double-doggy dares you to defend muslins and their so-called sharia law. [Michelle Malkin]
  

• Vote Jonah Goldberg’s brother for NYC City Council! And then read about Jonah Goldberg’s kitten lightsaber fettish — but only if you vote for his brother! [The Corner]
• We now know for sure that waterboarding saved America from shoe bombers and global warming. Q. E. muther-fuckin’ D. [Weekly Standard]
• A very important Arizona Republican correctly points out that Democrats are entirely unfamiliar with the daily suffering of “those brown people.” [Think Progress]

Ha ha, do you have the pig AIDS, because just about everyone in DC has it! Have you sneezed or coughed at all in the last decade? Then it’s definitely the pig AIDS, and you shouldn’t touch anyone, especially small children or old dying people, because you could kill them. There’s no Tamiflu left, oh well, but there are plenty of places in the District where you can get comfort foods that should help make your impending death by swine a bit more bearable. MORE »

There is one thing standing between NY-23 “Conservative Party candidate” Doug Hoffman and his rightful election: the ACORN. Hoffman’s supporters know that ACORN — a non-profit that focuses on such things as low-income housing — is working behind the scenes with Obama and his friends, the Africans, to procure a stolen victory for the liberal Democrat candidate, Bill “Al Sharpton” Owens. MORE »