Oh how thoughtful, House Republicans are bringing to the floor today a bill to close some kind of sexy-sounding “strip-club loophole” in what, campaign spending disclosure rules or something? No? NO. Oh right, it’s a bill meant to stop all the silly misbehaving poors from spending their welfare money at strip clubs. No wonder they aren’t out getting jobs! Please, bill sponsor Rep. Charles Boustany Jr., tell us more about this terrifying epidemic of taxpayer waste! READ MORE »
Mitt Romney, most undeserving and unexcited winner of the Florida primary since at least 2004, was utterly bored out of his skull during his victory speech in Florida Tuesday, though he at least kept up the practice of being EVIL, my friend, and took the Evil Show to a post-results chat with CNN’s Soledad O’Brien. There, he proceeded to terrify Soledad and the four other people watching CNN by saying how he really feels: “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” This is the real, true, unabashed, unequivocal, undeniable “I like being able to fire people” moment we have all been waiting for (yet have also gotten several other times!!!!) After making it difficult for Soledad O’Brien to know what to say/not kill herself, Romney tried to soften the blow with more terrible rich-man mumbo jumbo, and had some bossy, condescending words for Soledad, too, because she is a woman liberal woman liberal. READ MORE »
Well, Florida happened and HURRAH! We may never again have to hear the phrase “Space Coast,” or watch another remote feed from living crematorium and unmanaged-anger community The Villages. Romney managed to not be too deeply loathed by 46 percent of Republican voters while Newt received a non-hatred rating of 32 percent, and vowed to campaign today, campaign tomorrow, campaign forever. So, yes, we will have our little jewelry piglet to kick around a little longer! At least while unhinged millionaires continue to bankroll his little insanity project. Ron Paul was there, -ish, and lost, which is winning in re: the Floridian Republican primary in 2012. Rick Santorum also lost, although slightly less mightily, and accidentally dropped some truth to the frightened drifters hired to fill out the audience for his fourth ‘contrast-filled’ concession speech. READ MORE »
“Florida is a microcosm of America,” we just heard one of the Romney and/or Gingrich spin-whores say on the MSNBC just now. Yes, because Florida is a limp dick dangling over a sex-slave resort in the Dominican Republic or whatever. Also, America is truly a symbol of America. Just look at the map, and look at it in profile. What you’ll see is a morbidly obese man with a pinhead and a dangling, useless dongle, with a massive ass to the west and a couple of unloved children from his first or second marriage literally “out to sea.” Anyway, how badly will Mittens beat the jewelry piglet tonight? Or will there be a surprise? READ MORE »
Probable Florida primary loser and mean-spirited twerp Newt Gingrich will FAIL to colonize the moon because he will never become president, but you know what he CAN colonize? That one little patch of grass, yeah that one right over there where a lone Ron Paul supporter is standing quietly holding up a sign. Newt Gingrich wants exactly that spot, and he will have it or he WILL ORDER HIS MINIONS TO BREAK SOME TOES, you hear? Well gosh darn it, the Ron Paul guy doesn’t want to move, because hello, Newt Gingrich does not own the sidewalk. And then Drama Ensues. READ MORE »
Hero Virginia state Senator Janet Howell responded to another one of these stoopid bills requiring women seeking an abortion to first undergo a medically pointless ultrasound with a very smart amendment: every man seeking treatment for erectile dysfunction would also by law have to undergo a rectal exam and heart test to get a Viagra prescription. This way, everyone can enjoy the experience of having their nether parts unnecessarily prodded by the cold, uncomfortable indifference of lawmakers’ whims equally. Fair’s fair! READ MORE »
It is a very exciting time in Florida, for the elderly right-wing Cubans and elderly moderate-Republican condo dwellers and the middle-aged anger bears driving around in their nearly repo’d giant pickups hoping for a devastating hurricane so they can do some construction again. Florida! It’s a lot like the United States, but even scuzzier and scammier and tackier. It is America to the Limit! Mitt Romney is going to win, the pollsters say, because the elderly moderate-Republican condo dwellers outnumber the elderly right-wing Cubans and the Truck Nutz rednecks driving around with clenched teeth and clenched sphincters while fuming along to the Rush Limbaugh AM radio program. Yay, democracy. READ MORE »
Stacey Campfield, rose-loving, gay-hating hate-mongering State Senator from Tennessee, who taught us everything (lie) we can’t un-know about AIDS, was, on Sunday, hurtled from a Knoxville restaurant. Apparently the old eye-for-an-eye philosophy was imparted therein, which in this case is PERFECTLY FINE: Martha Boggs, a hostess at a restaurant called the Bistro at the Bijou, greeted Campfield in derogatory yet perfect terms, and asked him to leave the restaurant before he’d been served. Campfield went without incident, and Boggs later wrote on the restaurant’s Facebook page: “I hope that Stacey Campfield now knows what if feels like to be unfairly discrimanted [sic] against.” We love you, lady of the Bistro at the Bijou, spelling errors and all. READ MORE »
Boy oh boy is Arizona governor Jan Brewer ever so lucky that Barack Obama came to visit her state — his visit has already started to generate new revenue! No no, not for Arizona or anything, no, ha ha. It’s revenue for Jan Brewer, America’s neediest governor, which she is collecting via some tragic website that asserts her right to a monetary reward in exchange for performing the valuable service of yelling at the President like a deranged twit in view of a few news photographers. Who says it’s getting hard to make a buck in America these days? READ MORE »
Barely tolerated busy-body Rick Santorum may be running a distant 148th or whatever in Florida, but his website remains a strong competitor for numero uno in terrible ideas. Among the collected abominations is the promise to reduce medical costs by enacting “meaningful medical liability reform.” Okay, ha, no one thinks that would actually help. But credit where credit is due: in 1994, Santorum did, in fact, sponsor the deceptively helpful-sounding Comprehensive Family Health Access and Savings Act, which would have capped awards for medical malpractice at $250,000. Interestingly enough, in his own 1999 malpractice lawsuit, Rick and his wife sought $500,000 for a back injury she suffered. Which is, students, exactly twice what Rick thought other people might deserve. Aren’t numbers crazy? READ MORE »
Turbo edition ridiculousness machine Newt Gingrich is terminally unable to shut up about his “wait why is this even a fake issue?” theory that America’s disadvantaged students are incurably lazy — first it was elementary school students, and this weekend he delivered a diatribe excoriating the current generation of university students for expecting “free money” to go to school and refusing like a bunch of snot-nosed ninnies to get part-time work study jobs. (That seems like pretty much every college student you know, right?) Of course Newt SURELY speaks from experience, having diligently worked his way through school? READ MORE »
It is important that you watch this crucial Fox News Business report on the evil of the beloved Muppets, even if you already saw this clip in December. Why? Because the Muppets have finally responded to these treasonous charges, at a press conference — Miss Piggy even did a SMACKDOWN on the Fox News idiots. It’s a good thing Fox News viewers are all 67-year-old white trash sitting in their soon-to-be repo’d double-wides, because otherwise they would probably stop buying Muppet toys and movies! READ MORE »
In another failed attempt to have a Serious Discussion about things that allegedly matter to the American people, like the invisibility of jobs, the mirage-like appearance of money and the light-as-air noggins of the land’s lawmakers, the White House held a contest to see which American person-submitted questions President Obama should answer in a YouTube Q&A happening Monday afternoon, another installment of a thing they call “Your Interview With the President.” AS USUAL, the people took a vote and said DRUGS! Basically everything was about drugs. The things that weren’t about drugs had to be flagged for removal due to inappropriateness. Americant! READ MORE »
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Tasing Violence At Occupy DC Gets CNN’s Erick Erickson Hot And Bothered
by Kaia Mursi
Pepper spray is OVER, folks. Hope you enjoyed all the funny stuff the unemployed section of Internet users put together about the cop from Angry Birds spraying everything, ’cause in 2012, vicious crack downs on Occupy protesters are going to be all about tasering: hard, cold, fast, and indiscriminate. Which means….exciting new opportunities are opening up for third-rate human impersonators like Erick Erickson to interrupt the erectile dysfunction ads on their AM radio shows so as to fatly chortle that “watching a hippie protester get tased [at Occupy DC] just makes my day.” READ MORE »