Anthony Albanese, the transport minister of Australia’s leading Labor Party, recently went on the offensive in a speech targeted at the country’s opposition party leader Tony Abbott, and for inspiration, looked to the B movie The American President written by our beloved cinematic fabulist Aaron Sorkin and starring Michael Douglas. By which we mean, he essentially lifted lines from President Douglas more or less verbatim! READ MORE »
Comedy chuckwagon Newt Gingrich got a ton of mileage out of his cranky and peevish take-down of CNN’s John King, and by extension the whole of the liberal media empire. (And for Gingrich’s gross vehicle weight rating, tons of mileage don’t come cheap!) You will recall that ABC was scheduled to air an interview with one of Newt’s former wives almost immediately following last Thursday’s debate in South Carolina and that King decided to open the debate with a question about ex-wife Marianne Gingrich’s allegations that Newt had pressed her for an open marriage. Graduate-level reprobate Newt naturally and easily lobbed this softball out of the park in part with an angry claim that his campaign provided family friends who could testify the story was false but that ABC had rebuked the offers. This claim, it seems, was just a fall-back to one of Newt’s most trusted rhetorical techniques: Flat-Out Lying. READ MORE »
So Barack Obama is in favor of greater access to college education (like most every other modern president before him), you say? There’s a sinister, political reason for that, according to dim dweeb Rick Santorum. Learning turns people liberal. “It’s no wonder President Obama wants every kid to go to college,” he told an audience in Florida. “The indoctrination that occurs in American universities is one of the keys to the left holding and maintaining power in America.” Woah! But wait, wasn’t he just saying that it’s the vast cabal of single moms who conspiratorially refuse to go out and get a man that make up the base of leftist power in the country? READ MORE »
In a bold strike of the kind we hope to see in a lot of nations this year, a protesting group of indigenous people mobbed Australian prime minster Julia Gillard and opposition leader Tony Abbott from a fancy 1% restaurant in the capital of Canberra — Gillard and Abbott were about to be torn apart, but their security teams managed to drag the politicians to safety. Why all the excitement? Because right-winger Tony Abbott suggested tearing down the aboriginal “tent embassy” erected 40 years ago in protest of two centuries of brutal oppression by the colonizing Europeans. Things are very weird in Australia! It’s sort of like if America went straight from the Old West/Plantation Era directly to the Earth Day hippie Beatles world circa 1970, with nothing in the middle. READ MORE »
Where were you when you found out Mitt Romney made $42.5 million in two years? On the toilet, as you are now? Well the truth is that this Republican f—-runner would like to downplay this significant Event in our country’s history by telling you that, actually, he paid ‘closer to 40 or 50 percent’ in taxes in 2010 and 2011. Oh, that’s great, sorry, it’s just that tax returns are so hard to understand and we just thought the amount that you paid in taxes was the amount you paid in taxes, but apparently it’s actually any money that you spent that did not go towards making you or your houses prettier. READ MORE »
America’s relationship with the breakaway republic of Arizona remains a contentious one, with especially pungent ill-will bubbling between President Obama and Arizona’s current monarch Jan Brewer. First, Brewer blamed Obama for blowing up her beeper, two-way, AND cellie, and thereby delaying the completion of her book “Scorpions for Breakfast: My Fight Against Special Interests, Liberal Media, and Cynical Politicos to Secure America’s Border.” Brewer eventually released the erotic thriller late last year to well-deserved indifference. Now Obama is getting into it with Brewer in front of God and everybody, because she used her stupid book to kiss and tell about a top-secret Oval Office meeting the two once had. JESUS! Will they or won’t they, already!! READ MORE »
NEW YORK—So here is a thing that happened: Newt Gingrich said four preposterous things yesterday in the span of a single sentence. Let’s parse it! “By the end of my second term, we will have the first permanent base on the moon and it will be American.” Ok, first: a moon base! Which, right, is just patently ridiculous. But moving on: it will be American! Because of course it would be, or, well, at least when you’re the sort of person who will not rest until the entirety of the Middle East is remade in the American image. Thirdly: Newt suggested he will actually get elected president. (LOL, etc.) And fourthly! Newt suggested he will actually get elected president TWICE. (LOL squared, etc.) READ MORE »
The United States placed a thrilling 47th on the newly-released index of worldwide press freedom compiled by Reporters Without Borders, go team! This is 27 places worse than the previous year, owing to all the great fun cops across the nation had arresting, brutalizing and obstructing the work of journalists during the Occupy Wall Street protests. We were trying to type a bit of humor about some scandalously idiotic screaming exchange between Barack Obama and Arizona’s dingbat teabagger governor Jan Brewer that’s taking a dump all over our news feed, but then we just kept thinking to ourselves: Ha ha, maybe we will avoid this kind of thing just once, because this story — a White House pool reporter excitedly detailing a brief, meaningless spat between enemy politicians only because it deviates slightly from the usual banal protocol and then twenty other news sites repeating the account almost verbatim like it matters — is pretty much the exact kind of story that we fear being the only kind of story on our political news feed when we think about how much Michael Bloomberg wishes he could have shipped every journalist covering the police brutality against #OWS protesters to Guantanamo for a couple months/forever. READ MORE »
In an article in the French version of Elle magazine called — yes, really — “Black Fashion Power,” writer Nathalie Dolivo discusses Michelle Obama’s style and the fact that she’s allowing black women to finally dress well, godddddd, what took so long? The article, which appears to have since been removed from the Elle France website (clicking on the link now reveals an “OUPS!” message — “OUPS,” indeed), says that our FLOTUS’s sense of style means that “chic has become a plausible option for a community so far pegged to its codes [of] streetwear.” Lord. READ MORE »
We all know that Democrats are forever trying to let poor and minority people be allowed to vote, which, you know, huge SCANDAL already right there, but have you heard about the latest Republican voter “fraud” outrage du jour? ZOMBIES, VOTING! (Vampires: so last year.) South Carolina’s DMV director Kevin Shwedo, a Nikki “what massive state unemployment rate” Haley appointee, produced a list of 957 dead people who he claims managed against all odds to vote in South Carolina’s primary last weekend. This conclusively proves the need for a voter ID, in order to help poll workers better determine whether the person standing before them at the registration desk is or is not a member of the undead. Shwedo won’t let anyone from the state’s election commission see the list of names, of course, maybe because the whole six names he did hand over to the commission were investigated and did not turn out to be cases of fraud at all? READ MORE »
Four East Haven, Connecticut police officers were recently arrested by the FBI for unlawful abuse and search of some of the city’s Latino residents, but Mayor Joe Maturo’s immediate response to the arrests was so heinous as to suggest that maybe the officers had been told to be racist and abusive by a racist and abuse-loving mastermind who barely won the election that put him in his current position. When asked, following the arrests, what he would do to promote Latino outreach, Maturo said, “I might have tacos when I get home.” Well played, powerful Republican man. READ MORE »
Ha, what?! Why does Nancy Pelosi look so sneaky here? And happy, she also looks very happy. Asked what it might be like to come to work next year and find Newt Gingrich as (gulp!) president, she smiles serenely and says, “That’s never going to happen.” And then she adds, “Trust me.” READ MORE »
Jeb Bush, currently one of the less loathed of the metastatic Bush dynasty, sure is one cool, cool customer! With the Florida GOP primary just around the corner, the former governor has revealed that he will “stay neutral,” despite the judicious application of prostrate groveling from Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, and Rick Santorum. We must hand it to these Bushes: if they don’t want to do it, it is just not getting done! Papa GHW Bush made this abundantly clear when he qualified his tepid December endorsement of Mitt Romney as “unofficial.” (Could a notary public not be located?) READ MORE »
Official science has finally proven that Kenyan interloper Barack Obama has an incredibly low opinion of the average State of the Union-viewing American. An outfit which has adopted the patently fictional idea of “Smart Politics” as its name fed President Obama’s speech into a sad word-eating robot, which digested and then spit out this unbearable analysis: Barack Obama and/or his speechwriters crafted his speech at about an 8th-grade reading level, lower than any speech from the last 12 presidents including George W. Bush, even. And as a blood-curdling new survey shows, he would be correct in his assumption that 113% of Americans are stupid. READ MORE »
Herman Cain had the honor of delivering the Tea Party’s official rebuttal to Obama’s State of the Union address, and praise Jesus, the thing is only 13 minutes long. Oddly, it does not mention 9-9-9. It also was only streamed on the Tea Party Express website, owing to the fact that part of the Tea Party’s mission is to raze every already rickety, swaying footbridge that exists between itself and people who are paid to give free space and airtime to political ideas and words. The gist of Cain’s response: “The state of the union is not good!” Also, “a lot of people don’t know they’re Tea Party people” because most people are surreptitiously injected in the butt with Tea Party antibodies and don’t know they have it until they get tested. Many can go symptom-free their whole lives. READ MORE »
