The Week In Wonkette

• Su Lin? Straight up OWNED. Butterstick? Currently keeping scientists busy recalibrating all known measures of cuteness.

• Michael Lenehan proposes a Year Without Journalism after dissing pioneering web-based content efforts. Big words for a guy who only gets read on slow-loading PDFs.

• If you thought that Abramoffukkah didn’t have a cream-filled center of sex gone wrong in the corridors of power, think again.

• The selective stupidity of public servants on full display.

• Ticking time-bombs make for compelling television, idiotic public policy.

• Michael Scanlon’s ultra-weird adolescence, REVEALED. And how.

• But the most important moment of the week: After a few days of dawdling, you learned that your beloved Ana Marie Cox would be elevating to Editor Emeritus. It may feel like a hole has been torn in the Blogosphere, but remember: OG Ana built this domain on the premise that the leaders of Washington DC’s main industry roll into town on the wings of high ideals and then proceed to behave as if they were participants in some kind of Feyian slambook cliqueria, with the aesthetically pleasing likes of LiLo and Rachael McAdams replaced by grizzle-haired overexcitable coots and shrill, claws-out harridans. The premise is unimpeachable—no matter how many Sensenbrenners you throw at it. And while change is coming to Wonkette, there’s always one thing you can be certain of: those fuckers NEVER learn. Godspeed you, Ms. Cox. Long live Wonkette.— DCEIVER

READ MORE: Announcements, abramoffukkah, ana marie cox, bloggers, blogging, butterstick, crazy as hell, cries for help, domestic espionage scandal, michael scanlon, tom delay, torture, wonkette

I Believe The Word You’re Looking For is “Constituents”

Remember when Randy the Duke-Stir made his teary-eyed and pussified apology to helping himself to his ill-gotten booty? In that moment, he wept, he knew “great shame.” “I will forfeit my freedom, my reputation, all my worldly possessions and most importantly the trust of my friends and family,” he said in a quivering voice. We always thought is was interesting the order in which the thoughts of his losses occurred to him. Still, it seemed like something was missing.

Flash forward to this week. The impending approach of full-blown Abramoffukkah has got politicos jumpy and doomsayers knee-deep in augury. Against this backdrop, Representative Ralph Regula made his deepest concern known: “I wish it hadn’t happened because it’s not going to help us keep our majority.”

We have a runny nose today, and are unable to confirm whether the townfolk are out in force, wailing and bemoaning the tarnished reputations of statesmen with bad hair, the repossessed furnishings that sound suspiciously like toilets but really aren’t and the devastating loss of precious Congressional majorities. But amid all the concern over the ramifications of Abramoffukkah, we have this funny feeling that there’s an unnamed party that’s really being damaged. Who exactly are public servants supposed to be beholden to again? There’s a term for it, I swear.— DCEIVER

READ MORE: abramoffukkah, randy cunningham, top

School for Scandal

The adolescent careers of those involved in Abramoffukkah continue to be a source of fascination, and, today, we turn our attention to its nakesake himself. Jack Abramoff was evincing the skills and creative flair for all things fast and loose at quite a young age. At Beverly Hills High, he was renowned for his “power squat” — surely the best euphenism for lobbying we’ve ever heard that doesn’t involve an oral-anal connection — and for his uniquely ironic fundraising efforts: for instance, a quarter-pounder eating contest with proceeds going to the American Cancer Society.

Even going back to his junior high days at the Hawthorne School, you see evidence of the quintessential Abramoff mien being forged:

He ran for student council president at the Hawthorne School, a Beverly Hills elementary and middle school, in 1972. Heading into a runoff election, Abramoff was disqualified for exceeding the spending limit. The principal, Herbert recalled, penalized Abramoff for holding a party, stating it amounted to a campaign expenditure that pushed him over the limit.

Unbelievable. And this morning, the indispensable Henry Seltzer reminds us that Monica Lewinsky, that prime mover of the scandals of yesteryear, also matriculated at Hawthorne and Beverly Hills High. It’s like a Holy Tango of Taint, y’all, but it reminds us of a constant complaint we have with the Harry Potter universe: why don’t they just tear Slytherin down?— DCEIVER

Abramoff Reached Beyond the Limits [LA Times]

READ MORE: abramoffukkah, monica lewinsky, top

The Continuing Saga of Michael Scanlon’s Freak-Ass High School Career

After posting about the young Michael Scanlon’s bizarre hormonal explorations, we were sent a note from another of his contemporaries who experienced his high school reign of terror. Wishing to remain anonymous out of concern for a future of peaceful area shopping, our tipster assures us: “I can completely vouch for this. I was one of the black-clad girls he tormented at WJ (I was 5’ 6” in high school, though, so he didn’t mess with me much — he mostly went after the shorter girls).”

She goes on to describe an incident in which a loved one nearly escaped the young master Scanlon’s attempt to flush his head down a toilet, but that’s far from the most disturbing detail of her account:

The only direct tormenting I was ever victim to was having to sit near him once and listen to him incessently sing the chorus from “Oh Sheila” over and over and OVER — which never sounds good, but which sounds especially bad coming from a wanna-be surfer dude.

Now that’s downright harrowing.— DCEIVER

READ MORE: abramoffukkah, cries for help, michael scanlon, top

Abramoff Plays Ball

Yesterday, making another appearance of his world tour of the American judicial system, Jack Abramoff softened his mafioso-chic fashions of the previous day and tilted ever so WASP-ward, fashion-wise, donning a tan baseball cap. Frankly, with the always unpleasant cap-and-suit combo and the fleshy scowl, he’s a pageboy haircut away from a not-half-bad Pete Rose costume.

Still, we’ll take credit for his decision to leave his gangland oeuvre behind. Jack, if you’re listening, why not try a nice sombrero tomorrow?— DCEIVER

READ MORE: abramoffukkah, fashion

Michael Scanlon Was A Teenage Freakazoid

We heard this little delightful story from a Wonkette operative this morning:

I was reading Washingtonian magazine last night while waiting for my physical therapy “rendition”. While flipping through the pages I came upon a picture of Michael Scanlon, laid out next to a yearbook photo from Walter Johnson High School of Sean Scanlon. Under the two photos was a caption stating something about how Michael “Sean” Scanlon was known as Sean at Walter Johnson High School.

“That’s funny,” I thought. “I went to WJ and I knew a guy there named Sean Scanlon who was a complete fucking asshole.”

I checked the photo, and his graduation date, and it dawned on me that this was the very same fucking asshole who once, while wandering round
drunk after leaving a party that had been busted up by the cops, threatened me by waiving a large tree limb in my face and saying “If you ever put a curse on my sister again, I’m going to kill you.” Not only was he an asshole and a bully, he was also delusional. I’m not sure where he got the idea that I had put a curse on his sister but he apparently found teenagers dressed all in black to be mysterious and scary, even when they were 5’2” tall 14 year old girls.”

Eeep. He sounds like a real far-corner-of-the-cafeteria type. Still, if he’s made a habit of threatening his enemies with branches he’s clawed off of trees, it’s no wonder he needs a good manicurist.— DCEIVER

READ MORE: abramoffukkah, michael scanlon, top

Abramoffukkah: The Assfucking Angle

Grateful Wonketteland extends salutes and trumpet voluntaries that are due to Corey Anderson at American Idle.— DCEIVER

READ MORE: Funny Pictures, abramoffukkah, bloggers

Officials Return Abramoff Monies Amid Choruses of “How’d That Happen?”

Funny thing about most politicians: they spend the bulk of their careers campaigning, tirelessly attempting to impress upon their constituents that their keen minds are indispensible. But as we often see, when it suits them, they suddenly pivot and, quite frankly, pretend to lack the intelligence that God bequeaths to the average handful of tulip bulbs.

“How on earth did my dick comes to be confined within that person’s mouth?” they ask, continuing, “But all the newspapers said that everyone in New Orleans were totally fine!” pausing only to add, “Who would have thought that, in laying out specific anti-terrorist powers, the Congress didn’t actually grant me the authority to use all these other powers that they didn’t specifically lay out on a carte blanche basis?”

Now that Abramoffukkah is fully upon us, the parade of elected officials handing back the proceeds they’ve received from the disgraced lobbyist has begun in earnest, with President Bush, Tom Delay, Roy Blunt and Bob Ney returning monies. They’ll keep the interest earned on the principal provided, natch. And it will be danced to the tune of “We had no idea!” despite the fact that Abramoff has had visible cartoon stink lines emanating from his person for quite some time.

Roy Blunt’s spokeswoman, Burson Taylor, sings the refrain: “While we firmly believe the contributions were legal at the time of receipt, the plea indicates that such contributions may not have been given in the spirit in which they were received.” Oh my golly! How did this happen!

Not that any voters out there will likely care, but in the recorded history of lobbyists, the “spirit” of their exchange has been a singular one—cf. “How on earth did my dick comes to be confined within that person’s mouth?”— DCEIVER

Bush, congressmen to donate Abramoff contributions [CNN]

READ MORE: abramoffukkah, top

Abramoff Pushes Retro-Capone Look For the Spring Season

Uhm, if you aren’t actually capable of having someone whacked, Jack, don’t dress like that. Seriously, this is the white-collar crime version of the “Thug Life” tattoo.— DCEIVER

READ MORE: abramoffukkah, fashion, top

Bang The Manicurist Slowly

As we approach the coming of Abramoffukkah, we learn more and more about the origin story behind the scandal. It goes something like this: Our parents always told us that the problem with Washington was that with all the lobbyists and special interests and money moving hither and yon, there was too much skin in the game. Now we learn that most of that skin was wrapped around the manyly bone structure and vital internal organs of Jack Abramoff, who may have influence-peddled his way into the bosom of a considerable number of well-heeled politicos.

We only have Abramoff on the hook today because his partner, Michael Scanlon, rolled on him. And, as Raw Story reported today, we may only know about Michael Scanlon because of a jilted former lover, Emily Miller, who avenged herself after Scanlon took up with a manicurist by going to the FBI and dropping the proverbial dime. You may remember Miller from the time she famously attempted to prematurely end a Meet The Press interview with Colin Powell.

But wait, it gets even more enjoyable.

Tom Delay, whose extensive dealings with Abramoff have goosed speculation that his name may be well-suited to appear on the Abramoffukkah bingo card, has loudly complained that all of the scandals surrounding him are baseless and are all “just another seedy attempt by the liberal media to embarrass me.” Deliciously, Scanlon and Miller met one another when they both worked for Tom Delay — he as his director of communications, she as his press secretary — and soon after, took up their campaign of furtive, secret a-boinking. So I guess these means that the “liberal media” includes Delay’s own press mouthpieces. Who knew?

It’s all a seven-layer dip of tasty malfeisance with the sourest of creams yet to be added. Still, you have to wonder, with the intricate webs of distrust so clearly on display within the Congress, between members and aides and lobbyists, isn’t it just awesome that it will be these people who will try to decide who gets to wiretap who?— DCEIVER

How they got caught: After lobbyist broke off engagement, ex-fiancee told of illicit dealings to FBI [Raw Story]

READ MORE: abramoffukkah, domestic espionage scandal, tom delay, top

Abramoffukkah: It’s On

We’ve been following the news that, as of today, Jack Abramoff is poised to plead guilty to charges of tax evasion, fraud and corruption, thus marking the official beginning of Abramoffukkah and the promise of another year of snide, insidery allusions from The Note.

It truly is the gift that keeps right on taking, and we have no idea at this point how many elected officials may join the waitstaff of Signatures in a deep contemplation of their employment future. Abramoff is expected to sing an aria of “him too” for prosecutors as a part of any plea deal, and it’s been long suspected that the Hebrew Hammer may fall first upon Ohio Representative and Scottish golfing enthusiast Bob Ney.

For his part, Ney maintains that any claim that he did “anything illegal or improper is false.” For those of you who need a translation of Beltwayese, anytime someone insists they did nothing “illegal”, they mean they did all kinds of things that were “wrong”, but they figure they can skate in court. And, of course, “improper” is code for the exchange of bodily fluids. We’ll see. At any rate, it seems some new Bingo cards may be in order.— DCEIVER

Lobbyist to plead guilty to fraud, other charges [CNN]

READ MORE: abramoffukkah, bob ney, top

Welcome to 2006

Greetings and best wishes to all you folks out there in Wonketteland. We hope that the new year finds you well and, you know, poised to perhaps wrap yourself up in the comforting embrace of, say, a new book.

What’s in store for 2006? Well, it’s going to be another year of known knowns and known unknowns and unknown knowns. Certainly the basic storyline is this: Abramoffukkah will play itself out, putting many of your incumbent members of Congress’ re-election hopes at risk — a key component in the Democrats continuing win-by-default strategy. This will be countered by the surely-not-timetabled but baldly obvious drawdown of Iraq-theater troops, which will be sold in such a way that it will all but ensure the safe re-election of those same members of Congress.

Regardless, we hope you’ve made your New Year’s resolutions, but we remind you that in our current political climate to word those resolutions very carefully — if you don’t, John Yoo will come along and insist that your self-help plans accord President Bush a whole array of crazy-ass new powers. One minute, you’re vowing to lose ten pounds, the next you’re having your ass-fat harvested to keep Ahmed Chalabi’s lips shiny and supple. — DCEIVER

READ MORE: abramoffukkah, elections, john yoo