Wonkette

Here he is, the Big Guy, the “bruiser,” Joe Biden, in his 20th HBO Special, “Ize Gonna Be Viceys.” HA HA HA, that is what he named it, we imagine. He’s always makin’ the jokes, like “what’s up with these black Indians running all the articulate 7-elevens?” He doesn’t even need a punchline, THE SETUP IS FUNNY ENOUGH. Oh wait… he plagiarized that joke entirely from a Bobby Kennedy speech. [Sigh]. Let’s watch him make fun of his good friend, John “Walnuts” McCain, in his new role as Plagiarist Attack Dog. MORE »

On our 17-mile march from downtown Denver to “The Perimeter,” which is a police blockade at least another 17 miles from the actual Pepsi Center, we ran into these friends. Thousands of riot cops, thousands of hippies, thousands of blocked crossways and pedestrian routes to The Perimeter. They are protesting Barack Obama’s War in Iraq, as well as the fact that anyone is dying anywhere in the world. Let’s immanentize their eschaton, after the jump. MORE »

WHORING: Is your editor staying in suburban Englewood and claiming to be an Ivy League shortish person looking for a girlfriend on Craigslist? Gawker commenters think so! [Gawker]

It was a hard-fought primary, but in the end, Bill Clinton’s old Arkansas magic just couldn’t work another time. So now he’s stuck with a boring old prime time slot on the second-to-the-last night of the convention, yammering about national security when he really wants to talk about math and numbers and dollars like he did in the 90s. Let’s see how he muddles through… MORE »

It’s the night we’ve all been waiting for: The night Bill Clinton will finally get out of the way and let the nominee go ahead and run for president. Bill has his legacy to worry about, because, you know, he squandered it with some of the most boorish, cheap behavior in political history — and we are not even talking about Monica Lewinsky. Let’s let Bill let us remember how wonderful he is and how awesome he will always be, as the DNC Wednesday night showdown begins. MORE »

In honor of National Security Night, sixteen billion riot police were deployed outside Pepsi Center. We saw some protesters, too! They had the usual “No blood for oil” type signs, and many were shirtless. So of course we took a picture of the boring old police. Your editor has perhaps the worst seat in the house tonight: BEHIND the stage. A big screen showing the proceedings is cleverly hidden behind a massive rack of lights. And all around, people bitch endlessly about their terrible view, how they can’t see or hear anything, and how there is NO SAVING SEATS, not even for old people who had the temerity to get up and go to the bathroom. Jesus Christ.

Your editors are ready to kick back with Obama and whatever white family he visits tonight, as we all enjoy Bill Frickin’ Clinton! Liveblogging and live reporting from the Democratic National Convention in beautiful downtown Denver, coming soon! (Thanks to Wonkette Operative Michael Gambale for the screenshot.)

This convention has been an unmitigated disaster. It is now about to get worse. They are holding the fake nomination roll call and floor vote to “determine” the presidential nominee, until Hillary Clinton fake calls it off, or something. It’s the Hilltards’ last shot at glory! Here goes. MORE »

Oh huzzah! Even if Comedy-Proof Barry Obama makes it into the White House next year, there will still be plenty of opportunities for humor … because Terry McAuliffe might be running for governor of Virginia. How much does Terry McAuliffe know about (and love!!!) Virginia? So much that Tucker Martin, the campaign spokesperson for likely Republican candidate Attorney General Robert F. McDonnell, said, “Terry McAuliffe doesn’t know Norton from Norfolk. If he runs, remind me to send him a Virginia state map.” Oh har har har you won’t be laughing so much next year when Terry McAuliffe shows up on the cable news doing rum body shots off your savagely pummeled ass, Tucker Martin! Why is every douchebag Republican hack named Tucker? [Washington Post]

This is really shaping up as the (only) musical stadium show of the week! Unofficial sources say Stevie “Used To Be So Awesome” Wonder, that annoying Wilheim-Am! and Sheryl Crow will play music at the Invesco High-Times Field at Mile High Stadium tomorrow evening. What a lineup! Also: The previously mentioned Bruce Springsteen and John Francis Bongiovi, Jr., may or may not perform their “New Jersey Trilogy” ballet for the middle aged. There is someone else we’ve literally never heard of, called “John Legend,” who will masturbate with a cactus. [Denver Post/Politico]