Need to teach tolerance at your workplace? Try Diversity Beans! What the hell are those, you ask? We’ll let Jelly the Pan-African Bean explain:
What kind of horrible corporate hell of a workplace would order a bunch of gelatinous orbs to impart an idiotic lesson in dimestore multiculturalism? Why, your Department of the Interior, of course, who (according to an adamantly intolerant source close to a DoI employee) will soon be foisting the Diversity Bean upon employees at your expense ($6/lb of beans, $10/lesson plan, $17.50/candy jar, etc.).

We just hope they sample the “looks like a national wildlife refuge, tastes like three weeks’ worth of crude oil” bean.

(Bonus alternate joke: the “looks like a real marriage” bean.)

Diversity Beans

• Bush, “in an unusual admission,” says he regrets using the phrases “bring it on” and “dead or alive”; joint press conference with Blair has “contrite tone” because “both leaders have reached the lowest point of their careers.” [WP, WP, NYT, NYT]
• Bush orders documents seized in raid of Rep. William Jefferson’s office to be sealed for 45 days. [WP, NYT, W$J, LAT, USAT]
• Senate approves immigration legislation by vote of 62 to 36 but the next steps are “enormously difficult.” [WP, NYT, W$J, LAT, USAT]
• John Snow has told the White House he is resigning; Don Evans and Carlos Gutierrez are among those mentioned as replacements. [WP, NYT, W$J]
• Military investigation reportedly concludes that a group of marines “carried out extensive, unprovoked killings of civilians” in Iraq. [NYT]
• ABC News stands by its story about Speaker Hastert. Reporter Brian Ross: “There may be a semantics issue here as to what constitutes being under investigation.” [WP]

• Drilling in ANWR is approved by the House for the 12th time. [WP, NYT]
• Battle over immigration legislation will determine “what strain of conservatism the Republican Party carries into the midterm elections and beyond.” [NYT]
• Critics say the Senate’s immigration legislation is filled with “hidden traps” that curtail rights. [WP]

• Help out New Orleans without the promise of beads, booze, or breasts. [DailyKos]
• Futility, by any other name, would smell just as promising. [QandO]
• Amnesty International USA kicks off its annual conference today in Portland. All races and religions welcome; must appear overworked, underpaid, and fantastically smug. [HuffPo]
• The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge is pretty [ripe for some drillin’]. [skippy]
• Let’s just privatize the whole war in Iraq and be done with it. [Pacific Views]

Here’s what our Anonymous Hill Staffer had to say when he sent this one in: “I’d just like to point out that I started these sober, but finished them drunk (as we’ve been drinking in the office for the last two hours).” Looks like someone stopped by Schneider’s. It’s a great country, ain’t it?

This week, AHS lays down the gospel on Robert Byrd, protests, ice cream, petty theft, Goldie Hawn for some reason, public transportation, and, making its glorious return after a prudish last week, sex. Creepy old man sex, sure, but still sex. As usual, submit your questions here, and read the Good News You’re Not Hearing after the jump.

Would you have sex with the politician you work for in order to get a big promotion? How much would I have to pay you to have sex with Robert Byrd? p.s. Is he wearing blush in that picture?

If the politician in question is the Katherine Harris we’ve been seeing on Wonkette lately, then the answer is Y-E-S…if only to find out what the deal is with those boobs. I mean, she’s got some cannons. And she’s rich. I’d let her infuse my campaign with ten million bucks, if you know what I mean! As far as sex with Robert Byrd, the going rate is $712 per five minutes (not including expenses) for me to sleep with him. And yes, he is wearing blush in that picture. It’s because he’s actually dead and they have to dress him up Weekend at Bernie’s-style in order to keep him legislating. Thus the blush, because he’s actually been dead for the last two Congresses. And if you look closely, you can tell he’s wearing lipstick. Except I think this picture is just of the wax model that they use for photos around the office. I’ve heard the staffers over there use it to have tea parties too.

Have you ever heard a protest going on outside that you later joined?

Last year, a bunch of hippies had an anti-ANWR protest (by which I think they meant anti-drilling in ANWR, but whatever). I totally hit that up. I think they all got there and forgot what they were doing and decided to have a party instead. Ben and Jerry’s got in on the act somehow, so they had a 1,000 pound (NO JOKE!!!) baked Alaska made with some ice cream flavor they called “Fossil Fuels” or some **** . Then some guy in a bear suit started running around on the Capitol’s front lawn. Plus there were a bunch of guys playing Frisbee and devil sticks, sweet! It wasn’t much of a protest in the end, I guess. More like a **** ed up Flaming Lips video/Phish concert in front of the Capitol. But hey, nobody’s drilling in ANWR yet, so I guess it worked. Next time they’re in town, sign me up!

Have you ever stolen office supplies to send as “stocking stuffers” for Christmas? I’m sure the official seal of the Senate (or wherever you work) goes over really well with the family.

Of course I have, dumbass. What’s cooler than getting a legal pad with “U.S. Senate” emblazoned in gold across the top? That’s the envy of my brother’s Philo 201 course this semester! People outside the beltway think trinkets like that are really cool. It’s like giving beads to Indians. His friends all say “wow, did a Senator give you that?” And he usually says yes. Sometimes, he says “my brother gave it to me,” and then tells people I’m sleeping with the Senator’s wife, and that’s how I got it…if by “sleeping with the Senator’s wife” he means sneaking to the supply cabinet with my backpack after the office closet and jamming it full of anything with the Senate seal that I can get my hands on …

Are the senators and reps as worthless/inept up close as they from far away?

Have you ever picked up one of those National Enquirers when they do “stars without makeup?” You know, like pictures of Goldie Hawn with and without makeup on? So with makeup she’s oh-so-hot, but then you see her without any on and realize she’s more like your wheezy 60-year old aunt. Senators and Reps are kind of like that. On TV, they may seem like they’re worthless, but it’s nothing compared to how worthless they are in person. It takes them hours to put themselves together in order to look as inept as they do on TV—imagine how inept they are without any prep. God bless America!

I would like to know how Hill Staffers manage to get to work on time using the Metro system.

I would like to know how Hill staffers manage to get to work on time using the Metro system as well, seeing as most don’t make enough to have a car. I sure as **** don’t make it in on time most days (I think that’s due mainly to the hangovers…but the red line’s **** ty service doesn’t do me any favors when I roll out of bed at 8:15 and need to be at work at 9). I guess “on time” is a loose term too, given that a lot of offices don’t give a **** when they open up shop since they don’t do anything all day. Offices also give their staffers 100 bucks in metro checks a month to take the metro. I’ve often asked if I can get that in cash instead of metro checks for, um, various expenses I incur throughout the month, but the answer is always a pretty firm no. Also, most bars do NOT take metro checks as payment for alcohol, which is pretty unfortunate.

Got a question? Ask away.

Despite our fervent hopes, a day of Senate showdowns ended last night without any casualties being reported. While bereft of the trappings of parliamentary authority, the Senate Democrats successfully deployed one of their rhyming couplets to earn barely-bipartisan support for a filibuster, later reaching a compromise with Majority Leader Bill Frist by agreeing to "extend it, not end it" for six months rather than three. Proving once again, no one can kick the cans of national importance down the road quite like your elected officials.

Both sides, naturally, claimed victory. And why shouldn't they? After all, the six month extension all but guarantees that the Patriot Act can be used for its primary purpose as an election year attack-ad bludgeon.

The Patriot Act originally passed the Senate on a 99-1 vote at a moment in American History where politicians were jockeying for an opportunity to sodomize the Statue of Liberty to better prove their undying patriotism.

In other news, a conclusion was also reached on the Defense Appropriations Bill -- certified free of any and all discussion pertaining to cockfighting! -- as, after much wrangling and complaint from Senator Ted Stevens, who spent yesterday in full pout mode, the Senate voted 93-0 to approve the bill absent the ANWR drilling authority for which Stevens has an implacable hard-on. Rumors that Stevens was seen hitchhiking home along a lonely country road backed by the closing-credits theme from The Incredible Hulk were unconfirmed at press time.— DCEIVER

Senate gives Patriot Act six more months [CNN]

Senate Approves Cuts, but Not Drilling [Washington Post]

• Senate votes to extend the Patriot Act for six months. [WP, NYT]
• Senate approves $40b in budget cuts with Cheney casting tie-breaking vote; two Republicans and 42 Democrats block plan for drilling in ANWR with filibuster. Sen. John Kerry: "I'm confident we will see another debate on ANWR." [WP, WP, WP, WP, NYT, LAT, USAT]
• FISA judges request briefing on eavesdropping program. [WP]
• Jack Abramoff inches closer to a plea deal. [NYT, LAT]
• Bush reaches out to black critics, suggesting "that the White House has not abandoned its political goal of trying to draw black voters from Democratic ranks"; Donna Brazile speaks highly of the president's efforts. [NYT]
• Eavesdropping program is unlikely to be challenged in court because of its secrecy. [USAT]

• Department of Homeland Security was a mess from its inception. [WP]
• Scott McClellan has lost hair from the stress, some colleagues say; "When briefings get tense, McClellan's voice can become robotic, as if he's a hostage reading a statement. His body language can betray unease: He starts blinking rapidly and he clenches his shoulders as an interrogator unfurls a question." [WP]
• Congress has not found a way to ween off foreign oil. [WP]
• National Security Agency's image has been "muddied considerably" by eavesdropping program. [NYT]
• Jeanine Pirro drops bid to oust Sen. Hillary Clinton; will run for attorney general of New York instead. [WP, NYT, LAT]

• FISA judge resigns to protest warrant-less eavesdropping. [WP]
• Eavesdropping program accidentally captured purely domestic calls, officials admit. [NYT]
• Secretly briefing 14 lawmakers about the eavesdropping program may not have been enough legally, officials contend. [NYT, LAT]
• Congressional inquiries "blamed interagency communication breakdowns — not shortcomings of the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act or any other intelligence-gathering guidelines." [LAT]
• Cheney returns from Middle East trip early in anticipation of casting tie-breaking votes on spending cuts and ANWR drilling. [WP, NYT]
• Jack Abramoff is in discussions for a plea deal; could testify against lawmakers. [WP, NYT]

• Bush and Cheney "came to office convinced that the authority of the presidency had eroded and have spent the past five years trying to reclaim it." [WP]
• Cheney defends eavesdropping: "The fact of the matter is this is a good, solid program. It has saved thousands of lives. We are doing exactly the right thing, we are doing it in accordance with the Constitution of the United States and it ought to be supported. This is not about violating civil liberties, because we're not." [NYT, LAT]
• Republican Sens. Craig (Idaho), Hagel (Neb.), Sununu (N.H.), and Murkowski (Alaska) break with their party to oppose renewal of the Patriot Act. [WP]
• Sen. Stevens takes "bold" risk with last-minute vote for ANWR drilling. [NYT]
• Michael Chertoff: "We will retool FEMA, maybe even radically, to increase our ability to deal with catastrophic events." [NYT, WT]
• 54% of Americans support the confirmation of Samuel Alito, according to WP-ABC poll; 6 in 10 want Roe upheld. [WP]
• Spending cuts will barely impact the deficit. [LAT]

• Bush defends eavesdropping program but offers no details: "This is a different era, a different war." [WP, WP, NYT, USAT, USAT]
• House approves $39.7b in cuts and drilling of ANWR; showdown expected in the Senate. Sen. Kerry: "Let's be very clear about what's happening here. Republicans -- Senator Stevens in particular -- are putting oil companies ahead of our troops." [WP, WP, WP, NYT, USAT, LAT]
• Approval of Bush rebounds to 47% in WP-ABC poll: "His approval rating on Iraq jumped 10 percentage points since early November, to 46 percent, while his rating on the economy rose 11 points, to 47 percent. A clear majority, 56 percent, said they approve of the way Bush is handling the fight against terrorism." [WP]
• Bush " apparently decided that a passionate offense was his best defense"; his mood "was casual and crisp." [WP]
• ACLU claims the FBI has wrongly monitored antiwar, environmental, and civil rights groups; FBI used secret informants to track PETA for years. [NYT, WP]
• Sen. Rockefeller penned hand-written note to Cheney about civil liberties concerns over eavesdropping. [WP]
• Force reductions expected in Iraq, Afghanistan. [WP, NYT]

• Senators still struggling over renewal of the Patriot Act. [USAT]
• Leak to the Washington Times in 1998 about bin Laden's communication preferences "made it much more difficult for the National Security Agency to intercept his conversations," the 9/11 commission found. [NYT]
• Many Republicans welcome resistance from Democrats on security issues to differentiate their positions. [LAT]
• House has frequently held controversial votes in the wee hours of the morning to avoid news cycles. [WP]
• Sen. Baucus (D-Mont.) returns contributions linked to Abramoff. [WP]

• House votes 308 to 122 on symbolic measure to ban torture and limit interrogation measures. [WP, NYT, LAT]
• Bush's recent speeches on Iraq show "a determined effort to reshape the angry debate at home over the war" by "presenting a more sober picture of the situation while highlighting the progress"; the wording is "carefully calibrated" to provide "maximum flexibility in determining ultimately just what will constitute victory." Senior official: "It's not as if we have a secret ersatz timetable and we just won't say what it is."
[WP, NYT, NYT, WSJ, USAT]
• House approves renewal of the Patriot Act by vote of 251 to 174; Democrats may filibuster in the Senate. [WP, NYT, LAT, WT, USAT]
• Republicans losing ground among key senior citizen voting bloc. NBC/WSJ poll: "By a 65%-19% margin, Americans age 65 and above disapprove of the performance of Congress" and "say by 47%-37% that they want Democrats rather than Republicans to win control of Capitol Hill." [WSJ]
• Senate expected to require the administration to reveal specifics about secret overseas prisons. [NYT]
• Robert Novak: "I'm confident the president knows who the source is. I'd be amazed if he doesn't." [WP]

• Pentagon will review their information gathering system that compiled data on peace protesters. [WP]
• E-mail trail from Jack Abramoff says he was pressured by Rep. Tom DeLay for fundraising. [NYT]
• Bush believes DeLay is innocent. [NYT, LAT]
• Bush gives the State Department authority over nation building. [NYT]
• House Republicans are looking for creative ways to get ANWR drilling passed. [NYT]
• With eyes on the White House, Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney decides against seeking a second term. [NYT, LAT]
• NAACP, AFL-CIO oppose Samuel Alito. [AP]
• House Republicans want to reduce the perks provided for lawmakers convicted of various crimes. [LAT]

• Supreme Court agrees to review Texas redistricting; Justices may want to impose new guidelines. [WP, LAT, NYT, WSJ, USAT]
• Bush says 30,000 Iraqis have died in the war. Bush: "Knowing what I know today, I'd make the decision again. . . The long run in this war is going to require a change in governments in parts of the world." [WP, NYT, USAT, WT]
• Bush is "confident" that a deal can be reached with Sen. McCain (R-Ariz.) regarding the treatment of detainees. [NYT]
• Bush says race was not a determining factor in the government's response to Katrina. [NYT]
• Federal budget deficit hit a record-high for November, up 43% from last year. [WSJ]

• Bush's approval rating rises to 42% in USAT/Gallup Poll. [USAT]
• Texas prosecutor will appeal the dismissal of one of the indictments in the case against Rep. DeLay (R-Tex.). [WP]
• ACLU raises concern about provision of the Patriot Act that gives the Secret Service too much leeway to charge protesters. [WP]
• Some states try to sidestep the administration in the regulation of emissions. [WSJ]
• Gale Norton, Elaine Chao exaggerate benefits of ANWR drilling. [WP]
• House and Senate negotiators agree on $601.7b domestic spending bill. [WSJ]
• Advertisement from New Orleans residents tells Congress to pay for stronger levees. [NYT]
• GOP leaders in New York urge Jeanine Pirro to drop her senate bid. [WP]

• Approval of Bush slips to 37%, a new low in WSJ/NBC polling; 79% believe the leak investigation is "a serious matter" and a majority say Bush "deliberately misled people" to war. [WSJ]
• House Republicans scrap ANWR drilling to ensure passage of budget. Schumer: "If you are a moderate Republican, you are starting to say, 'I am not going to follow George Bush over the cliff.'" [WP, NYT]
• Republicans fear implications of Tuesday's elections; Democrats have their own lessons to learn. Pollster: "The waning of enthusiasm for Bush and his presidency is national." [LAT, WP, WT]
• Senators press top oil executives about their profits; "if the hearing had an air of the theater, the public resentment articulated by the senators was real." Milbank: "[I]nstead of calling oil executives on the carpet yesterday, senators gave them the red-carpet treatment." [WP, NYT, WSJ, USAT, WT]
• Bush splits with Republicans over ban of abusive treatment of detainees. [USAT]
• Judith Miller leaves The New York Times. [WP, WP, NYT]
• Chalabi denies misleading the U.S. and offers to testify before Congress. [USAT, WP]
• Senate Judiciary Committee considers televising Supreme Court proceedings. [LAT]

• Congress expected to curtail Patriot Act. [WP]
• Kaine campaign is praised. [WP]
• Senate Select Committee on Intelligence outlines inquiry of pre-war intelligence. [WP]
• Roberts asks Frist to postpone congressional investigation of leak to the Washington Post until the Justice Department has concluded theirs. [WP]
• Ethics are likely to come up during Alito's confirmation hearing; Democrats expect him to be confirmed. [WP, LAT, WT]
• Jack Abramoff priced a meeting with Bush at $9m for the president of Gabon. [NYT]
• President of Amtrak claims he was dismissed for ideological reasons. [NYT]
• John Edwards says his vote for the war in Iraq was a mistake. [WP]
• 50% think the press are not fair to Bush, according to Pew survey. [WT]
• Documentary about 2004 election in Ohio shows "that the Bush campaign was run by major-league professionals and the Kerry campaign by bush-league amateurs." [NYT]

• Kaine and Corzine win gubernatorial races in Virginia and NJ; Texas approves ban gay marriage. [WP, WP, NYT, USAT]
• Frist and Hastert seek investigation into the disclosure of CIA's "black sites" to the Washington Post. McClellan: "The leaking of classified information is a serious matter and ought to be taken seriously." [WP, NYT, WT]
• Alito "has signaled he would be highly reluctant to overturn long-standing precedents" such as Rove v. Wade. Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine): "At this point, I see no basis for invoking 'extraordinary circumstances' and for anyone to mount a filibuster." [WP, NYT, LAT]
• Schwarzenegger's initiatives are rejected; his "celebrity may not be the tonic it once was." [LAT, LAT, USAT]
• Election came at a sensitive time for both parties, especially the GOP. [NYT, WSJ, LAT, USAT]
• House to decide fate of ANWR; Senate approves drilling by vote of 51 to 48. [WP]
• Grassley (R-Iowa) proposes $70b in tax cuts. [NYT, WSJ]

• Bush has White House staffers take mandatory refresher courses on ethics and the handling of classified information. [WT]
• As professor, Alito prodded his students and kept his opinions to himself. [WP]
• Roberts has found his place after "dizzying" transition. [NYT]
• Negroponte announces creation of a center for the analysis of unclassified information. [NYT]
• Chalabi expected to meet with Cheney. [NYT]
• "The Sissy Six" -- Rockefeller (W.Va), Levin (Mich.), Feinstein (Calif.), Bond and Lott (Miss.), and Roberts (Kan.)-- must muscle-up, Milbank writes. [WP]
• Ads about Alito will hit the airwaves in January. [USAT]
• Libby starts defense fund. [NYT]

• Rove told the grand jury that he may have learned of Valerie Plame from "Scooter" Libby; their conversation "was confined to information the two men heard from reporters." [WP]
• Leahy and Specter complain Miers' answers on questionnaire are insufficient; they seek elaboration. Leahy: "[T]he comments I've heard ranged from incomplete to insulting. Certainly it was inadequate and did not give us enough to prepare for a hearing. We will need to have more." [WP, LAT, NYT, WT, USAT]
• Libby "appears to be deeply enmeshed in the leak investigation." [WSJ]
• Rice fields criticism about Iraq war from the Senate Foreign Relations Committee; she refuses to offer a timeframe for troop withdrawal. Lugar (R-Ind.): "Permanent instability or civil war in Iraq could set back American interests in the Middle East for a generation -- increasing anti-Americanism, multiplying the threats from tyrants and terrorists and reducing our credibility." [WP, NYT]
• Chertoff admits to House panel that FEMA was "overwhelmed" by Katrina and pledges to "re-engineer" emergency preparedness. [WP, NYT, USAT]
• Judith Miller testifies in favor of national shield law for reporters and sources; Specter visited her in prison and recalled she could not explain why she was there. [NYT]

• Senate Energy and Commerce Committee approve opening of Arctic National Wildlife Refuge; Senate vote expected within two weeks. [NYT]
• House Republicans delay vote on increased budget reductions to garner support. [WP, NYT, WT]
• DeLay pitches his case to 150 representatives from conservative interest groups in an effort to solidify support. DeLay: "So, what kind of month have you had?" [WT]
• Bush "overestimated his postelection capital and underestimated his opposition" on Social Security; Democrats "were even more vehemently opposed to any privatization than the White House imagined" and Republicans "faced deep divisions of its own." [WSJ]
• Supporters and foes of "faith-based initiatives" get boost from recent developments. [WP]

• Michael Brown spreads blame and says FEMA was grossly unprepared for Hurricane Katrina: "I predicted privately for several years that we were going to reach this point [of crisis] because of the lack of resources and the lack of attention being paid to what was [once]...a very robust organization." [WP, NYT, WSJ, USAT]
• Democrats threaten to use "nuclear option" if next Supreme Court nominee is too conservative. Howard Dean: "If we lose, better to go down fighting and standing for what we believe in, because we will not win an election if the public doesn't think we'll stand up for what we believe in." [WP]
• The New York Times wrongly attributed unsigned memo about libel law to John Roberts. [NYT]
• New Supreme Court justices will decide future of McCain-Feingold campaign finance legislation. [WP, WSJ, NYT, LAT, USAT]

• Administration intends to expand domestic energy production on public lands, including ANWR and offshope. [NYT]
• Bush turns to domestic issues with modern-day New Deal. [USAT]
• Tony Blair says British troops are committed to Iraq and Britain will "remain the strongest ally of the United States." [NYT]
• Dick Cheney "will certainly do his part" to conserve energy, says flack. [NYT]
• First Lady tapes episode of "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" from Biloxi. [NYT]
• Supreme Court will hear appeal from Anna Nicole Smith for late husband's estate. [WP]
• Women in Saudi Arabia talk back to Karen Hughes at forum. [NYT]