Don’t Ask a Hill Staffer

Sorry, kids. “Ask a Hill Staffer” is still on hiatus. If you think you’d be a great advice columnist, and are a hill staffer, lobbyist, White House hottie, or Senator — or if you have some other quintessentially Washington job — feel free to send us ideas, samples, applications, and whathaveyou. No attachments, as always.

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Ask a Hill Staffer: Once Again, Help Wanted

To everything there is a season, dear readers. Turn, turn, etc. Yeah, continuing the great purge, we are sad to announce that our Anonymous Hill Staffer is a Hill Staffer no more. The whole tragic tale appears below. In the meantime, because he insisted that none of his coworkers was funny, we are on the market for a new one. If you work on the Hill and are good at answering questions, shoot us an email. Or if you have new and exciting ideas (Ask a Lobbyist? Ask Mitchell Wade?) for a regular column, let us know.

After the jump, a tearful, 99% true farewell, with implicit Green Day soundtrack and cherished memories montage.

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Ask a Hill Staffer: Worse Than Incest

Each week here at Wonkette, we take your questions and pass them off to a congressional employee — it’s like writing your congressman, but without pretending anyone important will ever see your letter. We think the endless rain got to our Anonymous Hill Staffer this week. He seems a bit down. Though it easily could’ve been your depressing questions.

After the jump: Intraparty sex:Interparty sex::incest:cheating. Or something.

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Ask a Hill Staffer: Farm Bureau Follies

It’s hot, and our building’s AC is down for the day. So we’re kind of miserable. But we take solace in the fact that we don’t have to lead tours of the Capitol. Some folks aren’t that lucky. One of those unlucky folks is (or was) our very own Anonymous Hill Staffer, who’s checking in today with another installment in his glorious Quixotic quest to answer every single question about working on the Hill ever.

After the jump, ageism, mostly, with a dash of racism and a the usual smattering of nepotism.

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Ask a Hill Staffer: Fat Joke Edition

Time for your weekly look at the life of leisure that is a gig on Capitol Hill. This week, your questions were all indicative of creepy anti-social tendencies and our Anonymous Hill Staffer’s answers were all sorta mean. You guys were meant for one another.

After the jump: competitive eating, pornography, intern ass, and the Secret Service. You know, typical fare.

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Ask a Hill Staffer: Outsourced Edition

Our Anonymous Hill Staffer, direct from Bangalore: “So I got a lot of questions that couldn’t be answered by a Hill staffer without a little help… luckily, every government agency (and most NGOs) have departments dedicated to answering the asinine questions of Hill staffers… so I forwarded the questions along, and paraphrased their answers back.”

We gotta say, your questions are getting weirder. Death, taxes, and garbage disposals, after the jump.

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Ask a Hill Staffer: The Easy Answer

We love you guys. We really do. We asked for questions, and they came flooding in by the truckload. It was just like the mailbag scene in Miracle on 34th St., only with filthier language. So our Anonymous Hill Staffer went to work and wrote this week’s installment in like ten drunken minutes.

After the jump: Gunfire! Lockdown! Love! Booze! And family vacations!

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Our Staffer Needs Your Questions

Dearest Wonkette readers:

We know you’re still recovering from your traffic-clogged, gas-gouged, humid, miserable Memorial Day weekends. Despite that, we must call on you to perform your civic duty and send us questions for our Anonymous Hill Staffer to answer. We’ve received a grand total of one since last Wednesday, and that’s not quite enough for a whole installment. So send ‘em in toot sweet, and we’ll forward them along.

Thanks,
Your Editors

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Ask a Hill Staffer: Ready for the Big Time

Intern Season is here! And this week, intern issues dominated your questions. Our Anonymous Hill Staffer was happy to help you sort through them.

After the jump, fresh blood, substance abuse, and White House pets. As always, AHS reminds you to drink outside whenever possible.

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Ask a Hill Staffer: Speaker “Sergeant” Slaughter

Another Wednesday, another spelunking expedition into the deep, dark, craggy psyche of your Congressional staff. This week: less gay than usual. Our Anonymous Hill Staffer has heard your complaints that when it comes to alternative lifestyles, he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about, so he’s sticking to his areas of expertise: drinking, chicks, and sneaking into things.

After the jump, your questions are answered. Unless they’re dumb.

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Ask a Hill Staffer: Afterparty at the Members’ Gym

This week, after sorting through your questions on drinking and sex, our Anonymous Hill Staffer had an epiphany: “the Hill is a great place for post-college slackers to conglomerate and do nothing for a few years but drink and get high. Now that’s something Democrats and Republicans can agree on — if that’s not bipartisanshipfulness, I don’t know what is. Staffers on both sides are very pro-inebriation and anti long-term goals.”

So next time you wanna blame your Representative for the whole do-nothing Congress thing, remember that it’s actually his or her staff who are responsible. Snappy answers to your brilliant questions, after the jump.

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Ask a Hill Staffer: The Gift Ban That Keeps On Giving

Quoth the Anonymous Hill Staffer: “You write AAHS with the questions you have, not the questions you want.” Not that he means that as an insult to you, dear, questioning, readers. It’s just that AHS isn’t questioning, and is growing disturbed at how much of an expert he’s proving to be in the queerer elements of congressional life. We say: keep up the homo stuff, it’s hilarious. Questions involving boring heterosexual sex are also welcome, of course, and if they’re from hot chicks, AHS will probably give you an answer in person. The guy’s desperate.

Find out how desperate, after the jump.

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