Ask a Hill Staffer: Ready for the Big Time
Intern Season is here! And this week, intern issues dominated your questions. Our Anonymous Hill Staffer was happy to help you sort through them.
After the jump, fresh blood, substance abuse, and White House pets. As always, AHS reminds you to drink outside whenever possible.
What’s the best way for an intern to become a staffer?
Blowjobs. Seriously. Go intern in some office this summer, and if you really want to become a full time staff, blow the intern coordinator. If you’re a guy and he’s a guy and you’re not really that into giving other guys head, get one of your slutty intern friends to blow him. And if it’s a chick, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe get her to blow you? I don’t know about that one, I could see it really backfiring…
Are there any bars where interns hang out together, and if so are there any that have competitive bar games?
Listen buddy, everybody knows that real drunks don’t need “competitive bar games” to go and get wasted. You’re clearly not ready for the big time. Spend the next month with a pint of Wild Turkey every morning. After you’ve done that, add in a few pulls of Popov vodka at your desk every afternoon. By this point, you’ll be able to go out to a bar and enjoy yourself without playing beer-caps-in-cups or whatever it’s called. Real cynical staffers don’t drink with ping-pong balls, they drink with their huge brass balls (which, if you know anything about physics, are very difficult to launch across the table into a red solo cup). You’ll also be chemically dependant on alcohol, but that’s your problem — not mine. If you’re too much of a coward to take my advice, you can find drunk idiots playing flip cup just about any night of the week up at Adams Mill in Adams Morgan.
I’m moving to DC for college next year. How easy is it for someone new to DC who has been a goody two-shoes for all her life to join the “get drunk and love it” lifestyle you seem to enjoy? Sounds like a lot of your fellow staffers have the same problems as I do - what advice have you given to the ones who want to loosen up?
Just try not to take life so seriously. Have you tried mescaline? That will really blow your mind. Meth is easier to get a hold of though, but a little more addicting. Buying either is illegal though, which could present a problem. You could always just start drinking (see above question for instructions). Point being that substance abuse can really take the edge off if you want to “loosen up.” It’s hard to take anything too seriously when you’re drunk. The uptight staffers on the Hill are the ones who are trying to “save the world” and “make a difference.” They don’t realize that they can’t, so they’re uptight. The difference with me is that I made that realization, stopped trying so hard, and learned to love the bottle. Alcohol is also very good at taking away your motivation to do anything… good luck loosening up.
Now that intern season is upon us, will more staffers be hooking up?
I should certainly hope so. I’m hoping my own troubles in bed will soon melt away. However, intern season is just like any hunting season and success depends on a lot of variables. How was the winter? Was it mild? If so, interns will be more likely to stay inside. Harsh winters tend to bring out the sluttiest clothing. Interns have been trending sluttier over the past 4 years, though my intern almanac says that, unfortunately, we may be seeing some more modestly dressed interns this year. So when you’re trying to score and unseasonably warm winter conditions have made it unbearably hard, ask yourself if global warming is real or not. Al Gore is right, and we all need to make sacrifices now if there is going to be a bounty of interns for future generations. Hint! Do not try to bag the hot intern in your office — bag her friend instead!
Which animal is your favorite White House pet, and why?
I think my favorite pet would have to be Roosevelt’s pet frog named Kermit. How funny is that! A talking anthropomorphic frog as a pet for the President! OK, wait. So I just looked this up. Did you know that Kermit was actually TR’s son? The President had a human-frog hybrid kid! That’s fucked up, TR. Yet another reason he is one of my favorite Presidents. But Kermit’s my favorite Presidential pet not only because he was a human-animal hybrid, but because he was the White House frog-hopping champion 5 years running — a record that still stands today. Also, he gave all his babysitters warts. Unfortunately, Kermit struggled with depression all his life due to the fact he was the only human-animal hybrid at the time. His life ended just feet from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue when a live-action Frogger attempt went horribly wrong.
Got a question? Ask away.
READ MORE: alcohol, ask a hill staffer, blowjobs, congress, drugs, history, interns, sex, teddy roosevelt
Contrary to what you might claim, not everyone on the Hill is celibate. Maybe you just aren't that attractive? I think that behind this bravado and snark lies a 5'4 dork with bad skin, ill fitting suits, a stutter, and an affection for Zima.
by shamrock on 05/24/06 01:30 PM
AMERICA: These are the people running your Government. As a Canadian, I'm pretty sure we'll be running your country in about 20 or 30 years.
(Of course, it's a race between us and the Mexicans, but we're whiter so I think the transition will go more smoothly with us.)
Come ON. It's your only choice! It's either us here up North, with our delicious beer and french-fries, and our universal health care, or some shiftless Austrian (bodybuilder.
by Alfonso X. Alfonse on 05/24/06 01:32 PM
Who allowed Canadians to post here? Honestly, how are they given Wonkette elite status? Don't you funny-talking Canucks know we own you?
by shamrock on 05/24/06 01:49 PM
Man, I love Ask a Hill Staffer day. Very solid and mostly true insights.
BTW, Canada does NOT have delicious beer. And they have a tendency to cover their french fries with gravy and cheese curds, also making them un-delicious
by Taking on Goliath on 05/24/06 01:50 PM
Poor Hill Staffer. You speak of lost morals, yet you continue to work on the Hill? Sounds like it's time to sell your soul and join the private sector. There's certainly more money and, assuming your appearance doesn't frighten off small children, you might even get laid.
by M.Skurrred on 05/24/06 01:57 PM
I hooked up a lot when I was an intern by going to all of the republican events. Federalist Society luncheons, pro-life rallies, you name it. The girls weren't so great but the guys, whew, they can give some serious head.
ps. Canon 5th floor bathrooms are the new hookup spots.
by fallingdownthehill on 05/24/06 01:57 PM
Yep, when Canadians start getting uppity against Americans, I feel even sorrier for them--and that's pretty difficult considering I already pitied them for growing up without the protection of an empire.
by CircleV on 05/24/06 02:08 PM
Easily one of my favorite items on this site.
Hunting ANY women in this town that have ZERO self-esteem, or enough to not care what people think, comes down to a few things:
One: Winning the genetic lottery. You can be the biggest asshole or bitch on the planet and it simply will not matter if you are good looking or your parents are FUGLY rich. Applies to maybe 20% (Combined) of those who are willing to sell their souls to work in politics.
Two: ACTUALLY do something impressive in the government and/or have a brain (somewhat associated with the genetic lottery). Since the first question out of anyone's mouth is: "What do you DO?" This can be an in, especially if you can answer what they're really asking: "What can you do for me?"
Three: Be bitter and cynical from too much experience inside the Beltway. A) It makes you have that "fuck it" mentality and, most likely, look, and B) it makes you "mysterious".
Four: Just show up at any bar on Capitol Hill that looks full, but not just on the weekends. Your best chance of getting the, "I'm too busy for anything but a boy/girl toy fuck", is to go on the weeknights. Weekends are ok for such games, but the pickens are slim as the real fun people drink during the week.
Five: Be female. Protest the not fair maidens. The simple fact is that almost...almost...ANY woman can get laid IF they really want to. Guys...not so much.
Six: Like the man said, go for the friend. Or, go ugly early. And remember, he/she is not fat if they are proportioned - and weight challenged people need loving too.
by AfghanVet on 05/24/06 02:27 PM
Actually, Kermit Roosevelt ,while related to Teddy, was the CIA Case Officer who put the Shah on the Throne of Iran back in the 1950s. As he notes in his book Countercoup, his coup was executed at the request of the oil companies. (Note: That's the first edition of Countercoup --the one that got pulled off the bookshelves under threat of lawsuit by the oil companies and which is only owned by us lucky few.)
Given how the Shah's Savak raped and tortured the Iranian population -- so that Big Oil could plunder and pillage -- now might not be a good time to praise ole Kermit.
I know you ignorant political whores won't get my point --so why don't you just lay around in the District and wait for a sudden ..er.. flash of enlightenment.
by Don Williams on 05/24/06 02:45 PM
Don baby...if we wanted to be THAT serious here, we wouldn't be commenting on an entry that gives tips for interns.
by AfghanVet on 05/24/06 03:11 PM
Poor confused Canadian. Your entire country has the GDP of Des Moines. To quote Glinda, you have no power here, go away...
by FortunateOne on 05/24/06 03:15 PM
The alcoholic Kermit Roosevelt Hill Staffer cites was TR's son.
The Kermit Roosevelt of Iran infamy was Kermit "Kim" Roosevelt, Jr. He was Teddy's grandson.
The frog is the one who decked Rudy Tomjonovich, right?
by David in DC on 05/24/06 03:31 PM
You know, I'd be bothered by the GDP comment, but in about 20 to 30 years, your country will likely have the GDP of a Chinese province. And as for beer, you Americans haven't known what a good beer tastes like since WW II. Even the Russians make better beer than you now. I'm telling you, a Canadian-born President is your last, best chance for salvation.
(And as for why they let me post here? Who knows? Least of all me. Your politics are at least twice as vulgar, and three times as hilarious as Canadian politics, though.)
by Alfonso X. Alfonse on 05/24/06 04:19 PM
Methinks the Canuck doesn't know that beer is a fungible commodity, and that Brickskeller, not far from DuPont Circle (not that you'd know where that is), has the world record for most beers "available" (bullshit as that claim may be) - including even your Canadian piss in their menu.
Also, I hear they've put in taps. Gotta go back there sometime soon.
by RSquared on 05/24/06 06:32 PM
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