Wonkette

Your favorite pretend girlfriend Rachel Maddow, whose regular fights with Pat Buchanan this year have become the stuff of comedic television legend, has earned her very own television show. It will air on MSNBC at 9 p.m., following angry old Keith Olbermann. She will replace some show that nobody watches hosted by Dan Abrams, who in the last couple of years has gone from running MSNBC to having his time slot usurped by some uppity short-hair. [NYT/TV Decoder]

• TODAY’S POLITICAL GOSSIP RENDERED USELESS: Just up on First Read: “As Delaware Sen. Joe Biden left his home a few minutes ago, golf clubs in tow, he was asked where he was going to be on Saturday. Biden replied, ‘Here’ and pointed down to his driveway. As he pulled out of the driveway in the driver’s seat of his car he then said to the press gathered near his gate, ‘You guys have better things to do. I’m not the guy.’” We really don’t have better things to do, Joe. [Sigh]. It’s totally gonna be that boring Sebelius gal, isn’t it? [First Read]

John McCain visited an oil rig today, now that the weather’s cleared up. On this oil rig he talked about, well we don’t know, maybe how he refuses to endorse Congress’ energy bill compromise? And then some DNC mole started handing out this “kit” to reporters on the scene. As you can see, the kit can be arranged into a cock-and-balls sort of arrangement. The black oil barrel in the middle is actually a stress toy. So when you are angry you can squeeze it as you would John McCain’s stubby black cock. [Political Wire, The Trail]

• If John McCain were tortured, that would mean opening up a freezing, dark can of sexually humiliated and sleep-deprived worms. [Andrew Sullivan]
• John McCain is the President of house pets. [The Corner]
• Howard Dean stress eats M&Ms at an airport Holiday Inn. [Yeas and Nays]
• Age-inflation victim John McCain is actually middle-aged,
  which is why his chief economic adviser wants everyone to work until
  they are 142, or dead. [Democracy in America]
• Rev. Wright’s half-real new book will just be about the boring history of Obama’s Muslim Church. [Top of the Ticket]
• Obama caught a luxurious cold in the resort town of Hawaii and is trying to infect New Mexico. [Ben Smith]

Here’s a new thing from MoveOn.Org, which links vaguely troubled North Carolina Senator Elizabeth Dole to that bastard John McCain, who is leading in North Carolina. They give money to oil companies! And in case someone saying “in the pocket of Big Oil” is not stark enough of an image, this ad actually shows a man in a suit whose tie says “Big Oil” carrying photographs of each John McCain and Liddy Dole in his hanky pocket. The image would’ve been much stronger (and more adorable!) if it was an actual Fat Cat wearing the suit. [YouTube via The Plank]

Two things! Barack Obama will appear with his so-called “vice president” in Springfield, Illinois — where he started his campaign 20 years ago — on Saturday. Oh neat. Also, Mark Halperin hears that Tom Ridge is no longer a possibility for John McCain, probably because Tom Ridge kills babies. So the current veepstakes predictions stand, according to our Wonkette Maths, as (1) Biden (2) Bayh (3) Kaine for the Democrats and (1) Romney (2) Pawlenty (3) Lieberman for the Republicans. But watch out for surprises! Obama could pick a Balinese Cock, because he loves Balinese Cock. [Lynn Sweet, The Page]

After Hillary Clinton lost, her annoying lawyer friend Lanny Davis had to find a new dumb job, even though he was never on staff to begin with. And so he became a columnist for where else, The Washington Times. Yesterday’s column did, in fact, have the comical headline quoted in this post’s headline. It’s some of that contrarian hot air you’d usually see nestled indiscreetly on the front page of Slate or TNR, linking to a boring article by some “legal correspondent” almost surely named “Jeffrey.” But this is different in some respects: it’s in the Moonie Times and it’s written by Lanny Davis, so somehow it manages to be even less edifying. MORE »

• HOW TO MAKE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTIONS LESS TERRIBLE: “All [Democratic conventions since 1976] have just been television shows, scripted, fake, and boring, the American political equivalent of Olympic opening ceremonies, without the panache. And so when the editors of TNR asked for 500 words on how to improve them, I offered just two. Tear gas.” [The Plank]