Wonkette’s Week in Review: What Money Does Buy

• Short week, short review. First thing you need to know is: on Friday, Wal-Mart tried to answer the questions, “Why you acting shady? Why you ain’t callin’ me baby?”, by having Beyonce and Taylor Hicks perform at their shareholder meeting. CostCo admits they were served.

• In its infinite wisdom, DHS slashed the terror prevention budgets for DC and NYC, redirecting the money towards protection of the nation’s critical booze-producing infrastructure.

• When one slow news day turns into two, you start a slow news streak, and once you’re there, you have to start either making shit up or codifying the obvious.

• 700 million dollar man Hank Paulson was nominated for Treasury Secretary. Everyone is still waiting for the big “Sike!” regarding his love of nature and all God’s creatures.

• After they finished the “rock paper scissors” tournament, the Maryland jury in the “Sniper” case figured enough time had passed to make it look real, and convicted John Allen Muhammad.

• No, Al Gore is not running for President — he’s running for Earth.

• A week without Katherine Harris is like a week without air. Luckily, she’ll never be too far away, regardless of how much it costs.

READ MORE: al gore, american idol, beyonce, conspiracy theories, dhs, global warming, hank paulson, homeland security, john allen muhammad, katherine harris, rayburn, rumors, slow news day, studies that tell us stuff we already know, taylor hicks, treasury department, trials, unfettered capitalism, wal-mart, week in review

Taylor Hicks + Beyonce + Unfettered Capitalism = Friday Fun for the Whole Family!

UPDATE: He’s on early! He’s on now!

The Wal Mart Stores shareholder’s meeting started about 90 minutes ago — it’s being broadcast live from their website, even! Why should you care? Well, now that Katie’s gone, there’s not much else to watch in the mornings, but more importantly, AMERICAN IDOL’S OWN TAYLOR HICKS WILL BE PERFORMING LIVE! AND BEYONCE!

Yep, at 10:15 EST, the WMT live webcast of their shareholder’s meeting will get a WHOLE LOTTA SOUL. Beat that, CostCo! Maybe if you didn’t waste so much money on labor, you’d be able to afford some decent entertainment, huh?

Go, watch! It’s live and it’s free and it’s Friday! We hope they duet on “Crazy in Love” with Hicks taking the Jay-Z part, because how awesome would that be? Wait, no, with Tom Coughlin taking the Jay-Z part! And the surviving members of the Walton family singing backup! Yes!

Live webcast here, with performances to be archived here.

READ MORE: american idol, beyonce, taylor hicks, top, unfettered capitalism, wal-mart

Us “Malign” Katherine Harris? Never!

Everyone bitches and moans about how “no one votes” or “Americans don’t care about politics” or “apathy blah blah blah” but when we try to inject a little bit of excitement and passion into the electoral process, we get called out for being “shallow” or “meanspirited” or something, we don’t know, we’re not really paying attention. But FoxNews has accused us of “maligning” the appearance of one Katherine Harris — ok, how wrong is that? If there’s one politician whose appearance we’re celebrating — not maligning — it’s Katherine Harris. We wish everyone else in the House looked like her! Then, not two grafs later, they turn around and bring in the “consultant”:

“It’s a detraction from her desired outcome. The focus should be on her commitment and appropriateness to the position,” said Gloria Starr, an image consultant whose client list includes pop group Destiny’s Child and former Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney.

After being a shown a series of recent campaign photographs in which Harris is heavily made up and wearing tight-fitting pants and tops, Starr expressed surprise that Harris was running on a conservative Christian Republican platform.

“The last thing a woman needs is to have a man looking at her breasts instead of her face,” Starr said. “At best she’s got a mixed brand. At worst she’s knocked herself out of the game.

“I would absolutely love to work with this woman,” Starr added.

First note: Canadian readers — was Mulroney a little… you know? ‘Cause bringing in Beyonce’s stylist is the kinda shit that wouldn’t fly in 35-48 of our “states.”

Second note: Katy! Don’t listen to this guy! Don’t change a thing! Well, maybe change one thing:
Black shirt w/ white bra? We thought you knew better than that.

Harris Lacking Support From Her Own Party [FoxNews]

READ MORE: Funny Pictures, beyonce, breasts, canada, clothes, consultants, foxnews, katherine harris, style

Gossip Roundup: ‘All Smiles’ for Lugar

• Reliable Source: Barbara and Jenna Bush dine at Dino in Cleveland Park and drink Dolcetto wine… Beyonce, surprise guest for Kennedy Center Honors, sand again after most guests left because of technical difficulties the first time. [WP]
• Under the Dome: Town Hall restaurant forced to close at 11:30 because of quirky liquor license… Sen. Richard Lugar (R-Ind.) “was all smiles” when he met Miss Universe. [The Hill]
• Rush & Molloy: Dick Cheney, Melissa Etheridge, Queen Latifah, Tina Turner, Oprah Winfrey, Paul Newman, Robert Redford, Tony Bennett, Kevin Spacey, Kid Rock were among the attendees of the Honors event. [NYDN]

READ MORE: Kevin Spacey, Kid Rock, Melissa Etheridge, Oprah Winfrey, Paul Newman, Personalities, Queen Latifah, Tony Bennett, barbara bush, beyonce, dick cheney, jenna bush, kennedy center honors, miss universe, richard lugar, robert redford, tina turner, town hall