Crazy Congressional Candidate of the Day

We hear that it’s basically a done deal that Sherwood Boehlert (R-NY) is announcing his retirement today. So we’d like to recommend a replacement. This gentleman here is currently running an unwinnable primary race against Count Rep. Chocola. We highly recommend pulling him out and sending him to defend Mr. Boehlert’s district. Why? Because he’s got an unbeatable platform:

Republican 2nd District congressional candidate Tony Zirkle has proposed a four-stage approach to stopping sex- related crimes such as child pornography, rape, sexual slavery and human trafficking.

Stage 4 contemplates the reintroduction of the guillotine and lynch mob into the criminal justice process, although Zirkle said in an interview that he is taking that position “to stimulate debate.”

Seriously, if this man can’t win a Republican primary, than we simply don’t believe they’re living up to the value they’re so-called “values.” American values. Family values. Do it for America, Tony!

Rep. Boehlert to announce re-election decision [Newsday]
Candidate proposes chopping block for ‘porn-pimps’ [South Bend Tribune]

READ MORE: 2006, chris chocola, congress, elections, lunatics, midterms, public executions, retirement, sherwood boehlert, tony zirkle

And When They Emerged, They’d All Learned Very Important Lessons About Each Other, Kinda Like That Episode of ‘The Odd Couple’ Where They Were Stuck on the Subway

Honestly, what can we possibly add to this:

Three suspensions were scheduled for Tuesday night’s customary 6:30 p.m. round of votes. But as the clock wore on past 40 minutes, members began to wonder what was taking so long. The answer came from the chair in the form of an announcement about their captive cohorts, to which a great sarcastic cheer went up.

Inside the approximately 5-foot-square elevator, the situation was a bit more grim. After half an hour, “it started to get pretty gamey in there,” quipped Rep. Mike Conaway (R-Texas).

Things might have gotten uglier were it not a purely partisan elevator. The lift contained only Republicans, also including Reps. Chris Chocola (Ind.), Curt Weldon (Pa.), Thaddeus McCotter (Mich.), Lynn Westmoreland (Ga.), Steve Pearce (N.M.) and David Dreier (Calif.).

11 Republican Representatives. It’s hard to think of 11 people we’d be more terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with. How many people were in the Baader-Meinhof gang?

Sadly, before they could be rescued, Representatives Pearce and Weldon were forced to eat Rep. Chocola, according to strict procedure set down, according to Rep. Weldon, “in Article II, section, uh… 12, yeah” of the Constitution.

A Very Close Encounter of the Elevated Kind [The Hill]

READ MORE: Republicans, chris chocola, congress, curt weldon, elevators, mishaps, representatives

Gossip Roundup: Presidential Phone Pranks

• Under the Dome: Katherine Harris cruises around in a silver BMW 645 convertible with a “Harris for Senate” bumper sticker… Rep. Chris Chocola (R-Ind.) is the best golfer in Congress, for what it’s worth. [The Hill]
• Names & Faces: James Rubin to host daily newscast on Sky Television… Sandra Day O’Connor publishes autobiographical children’s book… Wolf Blitzer seen dining with the president of the Washington Wizards. [WP]
• Inside the Beltway: 6 of 10 board members of the National Black Republican Association are expected to resign this week… Hurricane boosts Barbour’s chances in ‘08. [WT]
• Rush & Molloy: Bush plays phone prank on Rep. Peter King (R-L.I.). [NYDN]
• Page Six: Hillary distracted by pinstripes, or maybe it’s just the wallets inside… McGreevey seen with a “typical Chelsea guy.” [NYP, NYP]

READ MORE: Media, Personalities, chris chocola, d.c., george w. bush, haley barbour, hillary clinton, james mcgreevey, james rubin, katherine harris, katrina, peter king, sandra day o’connor