Rumors on the Internets: Kill Bill

• Not much to say, except that this is the funniest post about anything we have read all week. [Alicublog]
• More than you perhaps ever wanted to know about the VRA renewal fuckup. [ePluibus Media]
• Still angry at Bill Keller. Guys, it’s been days. We forgot about that already. [TAPPED]
• Claude Allen — remember him? We might not get a big garish public trial. FOR SHAME. [TPM Muckraker]

READ MORE: bill keller, bloggers, blogs, claude allen, congress, new york times, rumors on the internets

Claude Allen: A Riddle Inside a Mystery Wrapped In an Prick

We read the big ol’ Post story on disgraced former White House adviser Claude Allen. We know we’re supposed to feel sorry for him. We know we’re supposed to understand that he’s a complex, flawed human being. And boy, leading off with that direct confrontation with racism in North Carolina anecdote, yeah, he’s dealt with a lot, etc. etc. But you know what? Between the “queers” comment, the MLK-as-commie talk, the “hyper-moralizing” administration of HHS, and this story:

It happened in 2000, after a meeting where the NAACP was threatening a boycott if Gov. Gilmore did not end the state’s commemoration of Confederate History Month. Allen, then the state’s secretary of health and human resources, attended with Gilmore to help argue the state’s case for a slower reconsideration of the Confederate issue.

As the meeting drew to a close, Allen approached Khalfani.

“He told me he had something for me,” Khalfani said. “He gave it to me and said, ‘I hope you like it.’ “

It was a poster tube, which Khalfani opened back at his office. It contained a portrait of Gen. Robert E. Lee, the Confederate commander, in the uniform of his surrender.

Claude Allen really just sounds like an asshole.

The Enigmatic Man [WP]

READ MORE: assholes, claude allen, crime, race, robert e. lee

Your Search — “ask the white house” libby — Did Not Match Any Documents

It’s still up over at the White House site, in case you’re curious. As Hotline points out, this little chat happened “over a month after Allen reported to CoS Andy Card that he had been cited for theft following a ‘misunderstanding’ at a Montgomery Co. Target and 8 days after he publicly announced he wanted to, um, ‘spend more time with his family.’”

Hence his rather stilted answering of that first question, we’re sure.

Ask the White House: Claude Allen [White House]
Clause Who? [Hotline]

READ MORE: ask the white house, claude allen, crime, shoplifting, the necessity of regular updates to your website

“Jennifer Black”? Seriously? Why Not “Scarlett Evil” Or Something?

Right, it’s settled, we totally love Republicans.

Blogger too saucy points us toward this Hill piece we somehow missed (we can’t imagine how we’d miss something printed in The Hill, you know) on Rep. Jean Schmidt (R-Crazytown):

Later in the article, while expressing her opinions about young Republican activists, she said, “They look like young Hitlers to me. … They’re so grim and deadly serious about the cause.”

“How are we going to attract mainstream kids to our party, kids who like to have fun and don’t take themselves so seriously?” she asked.

Bennett disputed that Schmidt made the comment, explaining that her twin sister, Jennifer Black, who was also mentioned in the paragraph, made the remark.

Another evil twin! Except that this one seems sort of reasonable to us. ‘Cause College Republicans kinda creep us out too. Though not in a Hitler sense, really. More of a Pierce Bush sense, knahwhatwe’resayin?

Even in ‘84, Schmidt Spoke Her Mind [The Hill]
Is Erica Kane going to be named Secretary of State now? [Too Saucy]
Earlier: New Defense: A Hot Dog Made Him Lose Control

READ MORE: Pierce Bush, Republicans, claude allen, college republicans, crazy mix-ups, evil twins, family, jean schmidt, jennifer black

New Defense: A Hot Dog Made Floyd Lose Control

Josh Marshall, who apparently has “researchers”(ha!), found Claude Allen’s yearbook.

And yes, as you may have heard if you listen to NPR (or have read the Times today), Claude Allen has an evil twin:

Which, really, explains everything. This was Floyd’s doing, people. Look at him! He’s clearly the evil one! He didn’t wear a tie to his Senior photo, fer chrissakes — the surest sign we know that a life of crime is inevitable. This here is some clear-cut Goofus and Gallant shit.

Talking Points Memo
For Bush’s Ex-Aide, Quick Fall After Long Climb [NYT]

READ MORE: claude allen, conservatives, crime, evil twins, floyd allen, scandal, shoplifting

We Don’t Wanna Say We Told You So, but…

What’s the sort of news that can rouse us from our weekend weather intoxication? The arrest of a former White House adviser, of course:

A former domestic policy adviser to President Bush has been charged with theft for allegedly receiving phony refunds at department stores.

Claude Alexander Allen, 45, was arrested Thursday by Montgomery County police for allegedly returning more than $5,000 worth of merchandise he did not buy, according to county and federal authorities.

And, as if it’s even necessary, here’s what we had to say when Mr. Allen resigned abruptly:

He’s a morality-issues Christian-right Republican. So he’s probably a drug-addicted gambling gay adulterer with illegitimate children.

We’re not gloating, just pointing out the sad predictability of the Christian Conservative modus operandi. Can’t one of these people get arrested for driving out money changers from a temple or something for once?

Ex-White House Adviser Arrested [MSBNC]
Earlier: Whither Claude?

READ MORE: arrests, christians, claude allen, crime, fraud, morality, mysterious resignations, stealing, white house advisers

Slut-o-meter Ranks the Beltway Floozies

Our geeky sister showed us the Google Slut-o-meter, which uses a complicated mathematical algorithm to determine precisely levels of skankiness. Our initial tests, using Nancy Pelosi’s score of negative 5% and Paris Hilton’s 84% for reference, had a couple surprises:

• Michael Brown: 14.75% slut.
• Jessica Cutler: 50.81% slut.
• John Roberts: 14.83% slut.
• Jenna Bush: 61.81% — sluttier than Jessica Cutler! Google goesn’t lie, Jenna!

And, most interestingly, mysteriously departed policy adviser Claude Allen: A remarkable 31.68% slut. You can’t tell us this is just about prayer.

Of further interest is that, overall, Washington seems to be sluttier than Silicon Valley. The pickin’s are equally slim, if you ask us.

Slut-o-meter Google Promiscuity Calculator [Lifehacker]
Valley Sluts on the Slut-o-meter [Valleywag]
Slut-o-meter

READ MORE: claude allen, jenna bush, jessica cutler, john roberts, michael brown, nancy pelosi, sex, sluts

Whither Claude?

Claude Allen (right), the President’s principal domestic policy adviser, resigned abruptly this week, citing the old Washington Classic about spending more time with one’s family. Allen was a Movement Conservative with strong ties to the fundamentalist Christian element of Bush’s base and acted as “point person on abstinence initiatives.”

It’s possible Allen left on his own accord, but the abruptness makes it rather unlikely. We have no clue, actually, why the hell he’d be forced out, especially now, when one might think Bush would want to refocus on “morality” in preparation for a midterm election which has thus far looked pretty lousy for the party. It’s possible it’s Bush’s anger at being faced with criticism at the King funeral, but that doesn’t quite seem bad enough to cause a midnight train to the family departure.

But hell. He’s a morality-issues Christian-right Republican. So he’s probably a drug-addicted gambling gay adulterer with illegitimate children. But if anyone has proof (or a different theory, or idle speculation), we’re dying to hear it.

Update: We should’ve known to ask the house organ of the Republican Party. The Washington Times has an explanation.

In a Jan. 22 conversation with Rep. Walter B. Jones reported in The Washington Times, Mr. Allen promised the North Carolina Republican that President Bush would pressure Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld into allowing military chaplains to be more explicit about their faith. According to a military source, Mr. Allen resigned to protest the White House’s refusal to lean on the Pentagon about the issue.

We’re still curious. Bush has sold out the fundies enough time to make this one seem rather harmless, right?

Senior Administration Official Resigns [Hotline]
President Thanks Domestic Policy Advisor Claude Allen for Service [White House]
Air Force sets revised rules for prayers by its chaplains [WT]

READ MORE: bush, christians, claude allen, morality, mysterious resignations