As July drags on and on and on, it’s important not to get dispirited at the endless boring humid idiocy of a Washington summer. No, better to have your demoralizing happen at the hands of Today’s Cartoons, a never-ending source of thrills and chills for resident cartoon expert the Comics Curmudgeon.

This week on an action-packed Cartoon Violence: The shaming of Kim Jong Il, old people, cartoon characters, white people, and Lady Liberty. Share the embarrassment, after the jump.

You know, it used to be that the press would ignore little peccadilloes and all-too-human moments suffered by the great and powerful. Sure, the public had a “right to know,” but our leaders and public figures also had a right to a private life, and if their little foibles didn’t affect the grand scheme of things, well, then the gentlemen of the fourth estate didn’t report on it. Why, the press stayed mum on a whole series of potentially embarrassing Presidential qualities that didn’t affect core competences, but would have torpedoed any modern-day candidate, including paralysis (FDR), rampant infidelity (JFK), homosexuality (Buchanan), ugliness (Lincoln), massive corruption (Harding), near brain death as a result of a massive stroke (Wilson), and paranoia and insanity (Nixon).

Of course, today you couldn’t get away with being a world leader if your hobbies included, say, having sex with horses: those jackals in the press will be sure to expose you in the most embarrassing and compromising of positions. Not only that, but once the reporters get done with you, they hand you off to the cartoonists, who are, of course, the worst of the lot. This week in Cartoon Violence: Cartoonists who can’t look away from some poor sap’s shame.

Shamee: Kim Jong Il

Reason for embarrassment: Pants fell down.

The embarrassing details: Since as a totalitarian dictator he claims power and authority over all of time and space within the borders of the nation he rules with an iron fist, it must be humiliating that not only can he not get his long-range rocket off the ground, but he can’t even control his pants. Also, the fact that starving North Koreans have now resorted to eating belts to survive has been revealed.

Mitigating factor: Seven years from now, when relations have thawed and he’s making his goodwill tour of the United States, he can spend more time in his MTV appearance discussing his Juche ideology and less time answering the tiresome “boxers or briefs?” question.

Shamee: That old lady who just had a kid.

Reason for embarrassment: Mashed elder food dribbles out of her toothless mouth and onto her bib.

The embarrassing details: I know the newspapers are trying to pitch younger these days, but does anyone above the age of 15 think that 62-year-olds are as a rule toothless, wheelchair-bound geezers on the cusp of death? 62 is the new 45, people! What I’m saying is that this lady ought to be particularly ashamed for letting herself go like this.

Mitigating factor: Children of old people are super-advanced: Their birth is still front-page news, yet they’re already capable of holding cutlery and speaking in complete sentences.

Shamee: Spongebob Squarepants

Reason for embarrassment: Acid-scarred corpse on display for all to see.

The embarrassing details: Poor little sponge: cruelly killed by oceanic pollution run amok, you deserved a big send-off from your millions of fans, after a professional mortician had carefully restored your mortal form to look more or less like the vibrant, living, and very gay being that we had all known and loved. Instead, we are confronted by your hideous, eyeless face, along with the knoweldge that your eyeballs and limb flesh are more prone to corruption than your pants.

Mitigating factor: At least you haven’t been professionally framed and matted.

Shamee: White rapper.

Reason for embarrassment: White rapping.

The embarrassing details: Low-riding pants that aren’t jeans but from a track suit? Early-00s “izzle” slang combined with classic Flavor Flav-style giant clock-necklace? Hands hung in some bizarre parody of gang signs? I might demand reparations for this clown, and I’m white. He’s just that awful.

Mitigating factor: There is no mitigating factor for white rappers.

Shamee: Lady Liberty.

Reason for embarrassment: Accidentally setting the American flag ablaze.

The embarrassing details: Well, I mean there she was, just standing there in New York Harbor, minding her own business, lifting her lamp beside the golden door, like she usually does — by which I mean like she always does since she’s a **** ing statue and all — when all of the sudden some jackass flies the flag right next to the torch, and boom! It’s on fire. Not her fault or anything — did I mention she’s a statue and can’t move? — but I’m sure it’s quite embarrassing for her, being a symbol of freedom and liberty and America and all and yet desecrating another symbol of all that same great stuff. Yup, I bet she feels pretty bad.

Mitigating factor: Seriously, I don’t have a **** ing clue what this cartoon is about. —THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

Today’s Cartoons aren’t gonna mercilessly mock themselves. No, that’s why every Friday we invite respected cartoon expert the Comics Curmudgeon over for a barbecue — well, to make fun of cartoons and to burn flags. Just because we can.

In this very special patriotism-choked edition of Cartoon Violence, we celebrate our nation’s independence by mocking its weight and its iconic historical, mythic, and pop cultural figures. Fun in the sun, after the jump.

You may think we’re a bunch of sneering cynics here at Wonkette who wouldn’t know a patriotic feeling if it bit us on the behind. Well, that’s simply not true! Just this week, on Independence Day (or the “4th of July,” as some call it), we got all patriotically choked up and began contemplating our treasured national symbols and icons. “Oh, our treasured patriotic symbols and icons!” we said. “So rich with meaning! Perhaps someone could use these icons in a drawing that makes some sort of political point!”

America’s cartoonists have us covered, apparently.

Treasured national symbol: Uncle Sam.

Status: Obese.

Assessment: The real tragedy with Uncle Sam’s rapidly expanding waistline is how hard it is for him to hide it. I mean, there aren’t really a lot of people wearing red and white striped slacks in this day and age, so even if he sneaks online to buy ever-larger pairs of pants, the underpaid Web order processing agents in Bangalore know it’s him. And you know his tailor talks. Our starving Darfurian refugee, meanwhile, looks conflicted: on the one hand, he’s embarrassed to be participating in this over-the-top display, but on the other, he’s hoping some of that mayo is going to land where he can get at it.

Treasured national symbol: The flag.

Status: Commercially exploited.

Assessment: What would our Founding Fathers (including “honorary father” Betsy Ross) say if they saw the many uses to which modern Americans put the greatest flag of the world? I think they’d look at this scene and say, “Forsooth! Some soft of mechanism for flying in the air, and they use it to cheaply hawk their wares? And prithee, when did respectable women begin going to the sea-shore clad in nothing but undergarments that would shock a common harlot?” Then, I dunno, they’d probably be upset about the flag or something. Incidentally, while the fat guy and the bikini and the advertising are prime instances of American flag desecration, the beach towel isn’t: It’s the flag of Liberia! So, yeah, **** you, Liberia! Our hot babes are gettin’ sand all up in your flag! What’re ya gonna do about it, huh? U-S-A! U-S-A!

Treasured national symbol: The Statue of Liberty.

Status: Delicious.

Assessment: Apparently people are bored waiting for the opportunity to fight about Christmas, because I heard a higher than usual number of diatribes this year about how we shouldn’t view the Fourth of July as just another day off where we can barbecue and drink, but should honor it for its historical importance, which apparently involves killing English people for some reason (along with “Hessians,” whoever they are). That’s why I like this cartoon. It seems to be saying, “Declaration of Independence, Schmeclaration of Independence. It’s hot! Lady Liberty wants you to have some delicious ice cream!” Mmmm … ice cream.

Treasured national symbol: The flag (not pictured).

Status: Constitutionally unprotected from burning.

Assessment: I enjoy the fact that to get to the incredibly convoluted punchline of these two casually discussing an act of flag desecration, the dialog had to include the painfully non-idiomatic “burn some burgers … hot dogs…” Uh, yeah. The goatee on Flag Burner #1 and the earring and tattoo on Flag Burner #2 are clearly meant to indicate that these guys are America-hating hipsters, cargo shorts and suburban backyard barbecue pit location notwithstanding. While I can’t pretend to actually explain this cartoon, its artist also produces The Middletons, which has similarly odd views of young people and their beliefs and practices.

Treasured national symbol: Superman.

Status: Homosexual.

Assessment: I thought this was a bunch of hooey when I first heard about it, but I actually just got back from seeing Superman Returns, and, frankly, he really is pretty gay now. He’s also Jesus, as near as I can tell. So, yeah, gay Jesus Superman. Yep. And they say Hollywood doesn’t hate America! —THE COMICS CURMUGDEON

Team Wonkette Field Trip! From left: David Lat, the Comics Curmudgeon, Intern Nick (mostly hidden), and Alex Pareene.

Last night, Team Wonkette made its way out to RFK stadium for the annual Congressional Baseball Game, sponsored by Roll Call. The game was, well, sad and pathetic. The Republicans won 12-1 (Roberts recused himself). But man, what a trip. Drunk hill staffers everywhere, Katherine Harris wandering around, tight unis on middle-aged legislative paunches, and William Jefferson looking really intense. Pocket full of sandpaper, of course. But that’s another story — one for after the jump, in fact, illustrated with lovely pictures from Liz Gorman, Intrepid Girl Reporter.

World Cup Action …will not be seen tonight.

We sat above the Republican bullpen dugout (you won’t believe us, but we actually knew that), and spent most the game fascinated by their signage (one, for example, appeared to be a large professionally-printed sign that read, simply, “Nebraska”).

Rick Santorum was the only Senator playing. He spent the entire pre-game sleazily working the crowd, signing baseballs and programs, stretching his bat behind his head, acting generally like the kid who graduated last year but still hangs out at the smoker’s pit because he’s found the only group of people who will ever respect him.

“Have you heard the good news? The House may take up action on the Agriculture bill after recess!”

(We asked a Senate staffer friend why Santorum was the only Senator to participate: “Rick was probably in the baseball game because he needs the **** ing exercise. Seriously, have you seen that guy lately? He’s more bloated than a Carolina tick.”)

We might as well get all the obsessive Santorum coverage out of the way: He was greeted at his at-bat with “CAAA-SEEY.” Which is meanspirited, but quite clever in a baseball context. We swear we didn’t start it. We were too busy chanting “Weeeeeei-nerrrrr” every time Antony Weiner came up. Guy’s like half the size of a normal Congressman. We also loudly applauded Bill Jefferson, at whom “Cold Hard Cash!” was chanted. Chanting: why don’t we get to do this while they’re debating on the House floor?
Everyone got C-Span water bottles. Filled with genuine C-Span Brand Water: The official beverage of static shots of Dennis Hastert looking peeved.
“Ha, according to this, I live in Pennsyl-something.”

Finally, this dramatic account of Santorum’s at-bat:

…it’s the bottom of the 5th inning. Santorum steps up to bat, gets two strikes, then hits one way out into the outfield. Santorum gets to second base (I can’t help but snicker as I re-read that with a different contextual meaning), then makes it to third base on the next play. He’s on third base, there’s one out. Standing on third base, with pressure mounting, Santorum realizes that he’s not up to the challenge and decides to cut and run—so he calls for a relief runner to take his place.

In other words: RICK SANTORUM CUT AND RUN FROM THIRD BASE.

“Yeah, I’m pretty much a Senator. Yep. Kind of a big deal.
In the hat, Representative Adam Putnam.

Overheard:

Two rows behind me is Congressman Bilbray. A lot of people walked by and said congratulations and all that, and these two guys stop and say it and that they were out in san diego for election day helping him. And Bilbray says ‘you guys were great out there, that’s an election day you can tell your grandkids about, let’s just hope you don’t have to tell them in Spanish!”

Gameplay was mostly friendly, if completely one-sided. Though there was a nasty and, we thought, totally unsportsmanlike collision at the plate when Russ Carnahan slammed into Richard Pombo. Intern Nick swore he saw a “blowing away” handgun hand sign from Carnahan, but we didn’t get a chance to check the tape.

But yeah, we left after the 5th. It was twice as boring as real baseball.
Yes, that is Hill Intern Hottie Tyson Smith. Katy Harris and a Hill Hottie — it was the Wonkettest night ever.

Wasn’t is supposed to be raining still? We were promised terrifying, apocalyptic storms for the rest of the month. Instead, it seems kinda nice out, which certainly doesn’t help you get into the mood necessary to enjoy this week’s investigation of Today’s Cartoons. Because today, Today’s Cartoons are all about gloom. It’s a depressing little pity-party in editorial cartoonland today, and resident cartoon expert the Comics Curmudgeon is here to wallow in despair with you.

After the jump: War, terror, ennui, and robot sex.

You know why they call ‘em the “funny pages”? ‘Cause they’re supposed to be funny, dammit! You know, back in the good old days, we enjoyed comic strips about mischievous scamps and their dogs, kooky sailors and their scrawny girlfriends, and malapropising cats and the brick-throwing mice they love. Today, though, the comics are just darn depressing. I mean, Funky Winkerbean is all cancer, cancer, cancer, B.C. keeps trying to chew your ear off about Jesus, and Doonesbury is one big amputeefest. And don’t even get me started on this so-called Classic Peanuts. Get those kids some prozac, stat!

You’d think that, what with all the hilarious antics put out there every day by our elected representatives, political cartoonists could manage to pick up the slack and bring the funny. Why, we here at Wonkette do that every day! We dance like little monkeys for your amusement! Is it too much to ask for the editorial cartoonists to do the same?

Apparently it is. Here are some of the week’s bleakest.

Depressing message: The world is such a bleak place, the only way to hold on to a shred of happiness is to be a dumb beast!

Life stinks: Jeez, look at those worry lines around this fellow’s eyes. It’s like if Linus Van Pelt was forty, and hadn’t slept in eight days. I don’t even know what “Earth’s tipping point” is, but it sure sounds bad. Dude’s so depressed, he doesn’t even care that he’s wearing black t-shirt with a single white sleeve. “The world’s going to hell, so what does it matter how stupid I look?”

Buck up, little camper: The squinting eyes, the rapidly shaking tail: that dog sure does look happy. Either that, or it’s crapping on the rug. Which would be hilarious! Ah, I love life’s little feces-stained foibles.

Depressing message: Poor people: They exist. Some of them are babies.

Life stinks: Babies! I mean, whoda thunk there were poor babies? They aren’t old enough for it to be somehow their own fault! But there they are, with their little sippy cups out, waiting for a minimum-wage allotment of delicious apple juice. Breaks your damn heart.

Buck up, little camper: Though they exist in a melancholy world of baby blue and white, at least the poor have their dignity: You would never see a poor person walking around with a little man-purse.

Depressing message: No matter what we do in Iraq, we’re **** ed.

Life stinks: Have you ever seen a gloomier pair of faces than those on George and John here? They know that American and Iraq are locked in a deadly embrace, with no options in the immediate future other than destruction, death, and political backlash at the hands of enraged American and Iraqi voters. Extra depressing for John Kerry is that the artist felt a need to label him, despite the fact that he has one of the most easily recognizable and caricatured faces in American politics and convinced 59 million people to vote for him just 18 months ago.

Buck up, little camper: Hey, Iraq sucks, but at least we don’t have to live there. What’s that? You say the Internet is international and some people who do have to live there might be reading this? Well, then, at least I don’t have to live there.

Depressing message: KFC’s FC is delicious … but it’ll kill ya!

Life stinks: As if it isn’t good enough that hardened criminals get free cable TV and porno magazines and weight room privileges and snappy orange jumpsuits and lawyers, now they’re getting all the fried chicken, while those of us on the outside have to make do with tofu and bean sprouts and all that healthy crap.

Buck up, little camper: The Catholic Church has apparently replaced its outdated “bible” with the Center for Science in the Public Interest’s cookbook. Praise be!

Depressing message: Al and Tipper Gore have depressing, mechanical sex!

Life stinks: Does this mean that even Bob and Libby Dole have a better sex life than the Gores, even if it is pharmaceutically enhanced? I gotta say that Al doesn’t look that much more excited than Tipper. Why do we always blame the robots for everything?

Buck up, up little camper: GORE-BOT 2008 WILL FEATURE IMPROVED GENITAL STIMULATION FIRMWARE. YOUR WIVES AND DAUGHTERS ARE NOT SAFE FROM GORE-BOT 2008. HA HA HA HA. —THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

Another Friday, another opportunity for your editors to outsource the content-creation duties to people less distracted by that oh-so-welcoming couch over there. Say hi to the Comics Curmudgeon, here again to have a go at explaining Today’s Cartoons. Well, not really “explaining.” More like “bemoaning?” Whatever he’s doing, we’re just glad it’s him and not us.

After the jump: Cartoonists remember when, they remember, they remember when they lost their minds.

So last week I gave the editorial cartoonists of America a blank check on crazy. I love it when cartoonists go for the gusto. Go nuts, I said — literally! But see, the problem is that there’s good crazy and there’s bad crazy. Good crazy is when you come out with some totally whacked-out proposition and then go all-out illustrating it as zanily is possible. Bad crazy is when you just throw a bunch of labels and icons and opinions and whatnot into a cartoon stew and with it into an insane froth of dementia and hope that someone is amused, informed, or both. What emerges isn’t boring, but it isn’t right, either. So, ladies and gentlemen, this week, submitted for your approval, I give you: bad crazy.

Bad crazy in brief: The Democrats are trapped in John Kerry’s hair!

Why it’s not the good kind of crazy: Does anyone care about John Kerry anymore? I mean, really? Is John Kerry hurting anybody but himself with his droopy-faced flip-flopping routine these days? Was this just a forced attempt to do some kind of Democratic-donkeys-as-head-lice thing?

Mitigating factors: Kerry’s hair is kind of bushy, I’ll give you that. Plus the donkey on the left looks terrified in a particularly lifelike fashion.

Bad crazy in brief: The U.N. is a grizzled old prospector, and appeasement is his whore!

Why it’s not the good kind of crazy: I’m all for prostitution metaphors in political discourse, but I don’t quite follow the logic here. If one is an appeaser does he or she make sweet love to the abstract concept of appeasement Don’t we usually say that wimpy types like the U.N. “roll over” in the face (or something) of dictators? Isn’t the appeaser whoring himself to the tyrant, not the other way around? Couldn’t the grizzled old prospector have at least been black, so he looks like Kofi Annan?

Mitigating factors: I think that prostitute’s supposed to be a man. I’m not sure if that makes this any less insane, but it does make it slightly funnier.

Bad crazy in brief: The course of the War On Terror can be gauged by this … gauge … thingy.

Why it’s not the good kind of crazy: Maybe you Chardonnay-swilling East Coast intellectuals with your fancy meteorological educations can explain what the hell this is supposed to mean. Us down-home folks don’t have a clue. Just tell me this, Willard Scott: Who’s winning? I mean, al-Qaida’s at low tide, so that’s bad for them … but the little needle’s pointing at them, so maybe that’s good for them … **** .

Mitigating factors: It appears to be a relabeled photo of an actual barometer, so presumably it didn’t take too long to draw.

Bad crazy in brief: The Episcopal Church USA worships its own dick!

Why it’s not the good kind of crazy: Is this about the gays? Is this saying the gays are a bunch of **** worshippers? It’s about the dick-worshipping gays, isn’t it?

Mitigating factors: If you’ve been waiting to see a guy blow himself on the editorial pages, this is the closest you’re going to get, at least until the Democrats get back into the White House.

Bad crazy in brief: FEMA wears a hurricane sombrero of incompetence and malfeasance!

Why it’s not the good kind of crazy: Actually, I’m really, really charmed by the hat thing. It’s a triple threat: a chapeau, a hurricane, and a metaphor! Plus, it’s very well drawn. No, what’s got me is the quote marks around “you”. Damn it, people quote marks are not for emphasis! They’re for quoting things! How hard is that to figure out? Of course, Uncle Sam saying “It’s you” in this context doesn’t really make any kind of sense at all, so maybe the hope is that the quotation marks will somehow distract us. Well consider me distracted! Grr … quote marks … grr … OK, I admit it, it’s a sickness.

Mitigating factors: And the quote marks are pointing the wrong way! They should be pointing outward, not inward! Arggghh…. —THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

Sad about missing the ice cream and the dadrock and the picnic and the seersucker yesterday? Well, cheer up — you could be the Comics Curmudgeon, whom we force each and every week to look through the detritus of Today’s Cartoons for the unfunniest of the unfunny. And then we make him spin it into gold, while we count our money and trawl Facebook for more pictures of those strapping young Frist boys.

This week, it’s all crazy, all the time in toon land. After the jump: blood, guts, flags, and polar bears. Join us, won’t you?

You know what I like? You know what really totally makes my day? When some political cartoonist really just lets one rip! No, that’s not a fart joke. I mean, a lot of times cartoons are sort of tepid and boring, trying to pander to the sensible middle, labels on everything, about tax law or some complicated aspect of foreign policy or BLAH BLAH BLAH. And to be sure, they’re rewarded for such efforts, mostly because their bosses don’t have to listen to outraged readers with lots of free time. That’s why my very favorite cartoons are ones where the cartoonist just draws a bunch of insane whackedoutedness about whatever the hell he or she feels like drawing and/or ranting about. In order to encourage America’s political doodlers to continue with the crazy, I recognize some of the loonier of the week here.

Insane content: Where to start? Let’s see, it’s a footrace where a generic terrorist’s feet are squishing in Abu Musab al-Zarqawi’s blood.

Best of the crazy **** : It appears that the artist has taken the media’s constant “500-pound bomb” refrain to mean that the U.S. military uses Warner-Brothers-cartoon-style lead weights to squash our enemies. Also, al-Zarqawi’s feet stick out from under said weights like the Wicked Witch of the East’s.

Caveats: Terrorist appears to be wearing a doo-rag. “Iraqi Freedom” is wearing short shorts that would probably get him killed on the streets of Baghdad for “indecency.”

Insane content: Congress’s naked ass, just a thin flag away from visibility!

Best of the crazy **** : If you look closely, you can really see that the artist provided a lot of subtle clues — the way the hem of the shirt rides up, the dainty bare ankles — to indicate that Congress’s ass is, like, totally naked. Plus, the cartoon ran on Flag Day, so: topical.

Caveats: Wait, are we saying that it’s a bad thing that we can’t see Congress’s naked ass?

Insane content: The New Orleans Mayor’s Office is surrounded by a protective wall of bull **** . (I’m assuming that’s what that stuff is, anyway, as otherwise this makes no sense to speak of.)

Best of the crazy **** : The absence of any background details implies that the Mayor’s Office sits high above the Big Easy on a veritable mountain of feces. Mayor Nagin is look pretty smooth there in his open collar and goatee, and the cartoonist had the good sense to not even label him. (Yeah, you’d think that what with him being right next to the MAYOR’S OFFICE and all there’d be no need, but once these guys start labeling things, it’s hard to stop them.)

Caveats: The building itself is something of a weird mishmosh, architecturally speaking. It should either reflect New Orleans’s rich history and architectural heritage, or be a squalid substandard FEMA trailer.

Insane content: George Bush and Vicente Fox are gay lovers who have gay sex and will soon get gay married.

Best of the crazy **** : So much wacky visual deliciousness: The fact that Dem Donkey and GOP Elephant are wearing spiffy suits, the donkey’s look of mean-spirited triumph, the motion lines and puffs of smoke as the door whiffs open, Fox’s enormous blond hairdo (actually, on closer inspection, that may just be the background lighting, but I like my version better), and, of course, the fact that George Bush has “Illegal Immigration” written on his ass, which, as everyone knows, is the gayest part of any homosexual’s body.

Caveats: The “quote marks” around “the closet” are “inappropriate.”

Insane content: OH MY GOD THAT BEAR JUST ATE THAT OTHER BEAR AND THERE’S A BLOODY BEAR STAIN WHERE THE FIRST BEAR USED TO BE AND SOME BEAR BONES AND THAT’S CRAZY!

Best of the crazy **** : Definitely the bloody bear stain. You get the feeling that the artist had been squirreling away that “news item” until he could come up with some topic — any topic — that could be illustrated best by a polar bear eating another polar bear. Normally I frown on that sort of forced analogy, but obviously I’m willing to make exceptions when polar bear cannibalism is concerned.

Caveats: I’m pretty sure that the artist is opposed to cutting social spending to fund the Iraq war, but he’s undermining his point with this metaphor, because everyone knows that polar bears are irresistibly **** ing delicious. And if our social safety net is some kind of plump, juicy, tasty polar bear, well of course we’re going to cannibalize it. —THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

Hot time, summer in the city, editorial cartoonists continuing to churn out cheap barbs at easy targets. And our very own cartoon expert the Comics Curmudgeon is here to cool and refresh you with unparalleled insight into those funny drawings in the back of the A section.

Our magical journey through Today’s Cartoons begins after the jump. Join us for white collar crime in all its guises, talking animals with bizarre agendas, and violence against public figures.

Boy, is it hot enough for, ya? Jeez, it’s so hot that I actually typed that sentence out non-ironically while I was starting this out. While I fortunately am not a resident of the malaria-infested swamp that is our nation’s capital, I’ve still been trapped in the east coast’s sweaty miasma, and as a work-at-home type, I can’t leech off my employer’s utility bills to enjoy free air conditioning. Thus, my brain’s a little mushy.

As a result, the things I’ve most enjoyed this week have been the ones that offer the simple pleasures in life. No nuances for me, thanks; I just want lowest common denominator humor and cheap shots. Fortunately, America’s cartooning classes are as ever ready to oblige.

Simple pleasure: Jokes about Ken Lay going to prison.

Things to enjoy: Hey, everybody, Ken Lay’s going to prison! That’s pretty enjoyable right there. I briefly tuned in several years ago to the Senate Enron hearings and was rewarded by seeing a lawyer indignantly tell Dianne Feinstein that Ken Lay “did not deserve prison rape.” Good times, good time. Anyway, presumably America’s editorial cartoonists are not allowed to make prison rape jokes, but the “HATE” tattooed on Ken’s new roommate’s knuckles is a nice touch. There’s no corresponding “LOVE” tattoo, so presumably he’s just hateful.

Room for improvement: Of course, the irony here would come through better if we knew just what kind of heinous crimes this sickened-by-Ken-Lay fellow had committed, but I suppose establishing his backstory would require an amount of labeling that would just be cumbersome.

Simple pleasure: Jokes about Dennis Hastert’s weight.

Things to enjoy: Not only is the list of food items funny, you can actually find all of them in the cartoon itself if you look hard enough. It’s like one of those brain-teaser cartoons from Highlights magazine! The chicken, filed under “C”, is especially hilarious to me.

Room for improvement: By implying that Hastert is merely hungry, not corrupt, Danziger sadly does not lay the groundwork for an amusingly misguided series of public denials and possible lawsuit from Mistah Speakah.

Simple pleasure: Jokes about Tony Snow’s name, and its relationship with his new job.

Things to enjoy: See, his job is to fool and misdirect the press … to create “snow jobs,” if you will … and his name is Snow! Get it? Get it? Also, it sort of sounds like “blow job”, which is also funny, though maybe not the point.

Room for improvement: Yeah, so he’s a vaguely handsome, bland-looking white guy, and he’s following on the heels of Scott McClellan and his enormous spherical head, but you could put a little effort into caricaturing him, you know? Like, I don’t know, make him crying or something. I hear he cries at, like, the drop of a hat.

Simple pleasure: Jokes in which George W. Bush is heckled by a duck.

Things to enjoy: Ha ha, the duck, it’s opposed to amnesty! Or at least I think it is. It’s not entirely clear, just like it’s not entirely clear how the Secret Service allowed this hateful waterfowl to get this close to the president. And it quacks out words, just like the Aflac duck! Although “Aflac” sounds like quacking; “amnesty” not so much. Still, Bush vs. a duck! Comedy gold.

Room for improvement: If you really wanted a xenophobic duck, couldn’t you have used Mallard Fillmore? Were there copyright issues?

Simple pleasure: Jokes about talking bears.

Things to enjoy: Man, bears! And they talk! And swim! That’s too precious. Yup, I love me some talking bears! Oooh, it’s too hot in here. That’s what the bears are saying! Ha ha!

Room for improvement: So, it’s not entirely clear how this talking floating bear came to be a spokesbear for big oil. Might have been interesting to know that. But, yeah, you know, backstory, cumbersome, too much labeling, all that. Bears! Ha.

Simple pleasure: Jokes in which Harry Reid gets punched in the face.

Things to enjoy: Harry Reid’s expression. It’s all like, “Oh, **** ! This elephant dude is about to punch me in the face!”

Room for improvement: There is no way to improve upon a joke in which Harry Reid gets punched in the face.

Happy Memorial Day! Depending on whether the CAPITOL HILL MAYBE SHOOTING can keep our interest much longer, we at Wonkette will probably be taking the rest of the day off. But our nation’s cartoonists don’t have that option — news can break any time, and it’s not going to take cheap, easy shots at itself, you know.

So, as we do every Friday, we’ve brought in the Comics Curmudgeon to comb through Today’s Cartoons and analyze them for your amusement. Corruption, intelligence, controversy, and dead guys, after the jump.

Do cartoons have importance in the real world? Yesterday I was sadly caught in the middle of a fender bender at the intersection between comics and reality. As any comics aficionado knows, the Houston Chronicle has simply the best collection of comics online. Yet on Thursday thousands in search of their afternoon Hi and Lois fix were stymied: it seems the paper’s Web site went to a “low graphics” version to accommodate the influx of Schadenfreude-fueled traffic in the wake of local boys Skilling and Lay getting convicted. Wasn’t it enough that they lied, cheated, and stole so that they could have solid gold boxer shorts and mountaintop fortresses shaped like supermodels — but now they’ve ruined the comics too!

Also, apparently in Iran a newspaper ran a cartoon depicting the Azeri minority there as cockroaches, resulting in marches, riots, and the arrest of the cartoonist. This got essentially zero press in the West, since nobody here knows what an “Azeri” is. Sorry, guys! Too bad you aren’t Jews!

Anyway, cartoons here aren’t generating that kind of “buzz.” Heck, they’re taking back seats to chumps that we all knew were guilty years ago! That’s why the following cartoonists are kicking it up a notch: they’re revealing shocking truths that will shake you to your core! So read on, if your core can withstand the vibration.

Shocking truth: CONGRESSMEN ARE BEING BRIBED WITH BAGS OF MONEY WITH DOLLAR SIGNS ON THEM!

The rest of the story: Congress is an august institution with a long and storied history of malfeasance. So when you bribe a Congressman, you want to do it in classic style: Burlap bag, tied at the top, big dollar sign on the side. A fashionable dangling string is optional. Don’t try to get fancy with your bribing style. Neatly stacked bills in a briefcase? A little too Sopranos. Discreet wire transfer to a Swiss bank account? No panache. Giant novelty check? Who are you, Ed McMahon?

Shocking truth: GENERAL MICHAEL HADEN CROSSES HIS LEGS LIKE A GIRL!

The rest of the story: Word has it that he also spies like a wimp, tortures like a wuss, lies to Congress like a girly man, and arranges assassinations like a pussy.

Shocking truth: TODAY’S TEENS ARE COKEHEADS!

The rest of the story: Man, I remember my prom. We were all doing Coke beforehand, of course — my date was drinking Diet, but I was quaffing the Real Thing all the way, baby. Later, some guys in our limo were passing around some Mello Yello. I took a hit to be social, but that was a little much, even for me. Good times, good times. I worry about the kids today, though — do you know a lot of them will have two or three cans of Coke Zero even before they get to the prom? That **** will **** you up, for real.

Shocking truth: THE GOP ELEPHANT HAS NO ORGANS OR BONES, JUST AN UNDIFFERENTIATED SPONGY PINK INTERIOR MUSH!

The rest of the story: Seriously, this is one of the freakiest things I’ve ever seen. Dubya’s steadfast opposition to human-animal hybrids is clearly just a sideshow distracting us from some sort of horrifying elephant genetic enhancement program. You just watch: each of these elephant halves is going to expand until there are two elephants! They’re unstoppable!

Shocking truth: WORLD WAR I VETS ARE BEING KIDNAPPED BY OLD-TIMEY BANK ROBBERS!

The rest of the story: Actually, some of the codgers look like they’re sort of enjoying it. “Whee! Whee! It’s just like going over the top at the Somme, without the mustard gas! Whee!” These fellows defeated the Kaiser; shouldn’t we let them have their fun, no matter how strange it looks to us non-centenarians?

Shocking truth: JIMMY HOFFA HAS BEEN REINCARNATED AS A FOUL-MOUTHED GOPHER!

The rest of the story: At first, I actually thought that was supposed to be a cussin’ beaver. But then I said, “Beaver? That makes no sense! I mean, what the hell! Beaver! Pfff.” Yeah, it’s clearly a gopher, which obviously is totally logical and not at all baffling. Yep. Gopher. Yessir. —COMICS CURMUDGEON

A hazy, cloudy Friday calls for hazy, cloudy content — and Today’s Cartoons do not disappoint! This week, the Comics Curmudgeon has trained his expert eyes on some of our finest cartoonists’ most confounding efforts, and while he doesn’t do much to explain them, he does do his damndest to make them funny.

After the jump, Iran, Iraq, CIA, NSA, cannibalism, and armadillos are penciled, inked, and analyzed for your pleasure.

Do you ever go to a movie and it really blows and then you think, “Man, the only way I can make this bearable is to make up my own version of this movie in my head,” so you create this sort of parallel universe for the movie in which what’s happening on screen has other meanings that are more entertaining to you. Like, last weekend, when I say Lindsey Lohan’s new movie, “Just My Luck,” and Lindsey and the bland leading man keep exchanging their magical super-lucky power back and forth by kissing, and I thought, “what if instead of ‘kissing’ they were ‘screwing’ and instead of ‘luck’ it was ‘herpes’?”

Wait, did I just admit to all of you that I saw “Just My Luck” last weekend? Um. Well, I wasn’t on a date with a fifteen-year-old girl, just so you know.

I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse.

Anyhoo, you can do the same thing with political cartoons, especially the ones that make no sense. Just make up your own title and then work out the subtext from there. It’s fun! Watch!

New title: “Nuclear-armed Iranian robots threaten us all!”

What it all means: If only these robots would turn over their oversized cue cards and just read what their scriptwriters had written for them, we wouldn’t be in this mess, would we? But no, their circuitry is too filled with Jew-hating for a little common sense like that to find its way in there.

New title: “Blowing up armadillos is awesome”

What it all means: This cartoon might be understood as taking the unpatriotic stance that our brave troops are too dumb to change their attitude to fit the mission for which they’re deployed, except for one thing: blowing up armadillos is patently awesome, and our heroes richly deserve the armadillo-detonating reward they’ve earned.

New title: “The CIA and NSA: They exist”

What it all means: Yes, these two spy agencies, they sure dwell in some kind of … shadowy … netherworld of … mysteriousness. And such. Yep.

New title: “Germans love the taste of human flesh”

What it all means: I’d guess that this was an obscure a variation of the old “Democracy is like sausage-making joke”, were it not for Germany’s well-known status as a cannibal paradise. I actually was in a bar in Bavaria where the crowd looked a lot like this, and everyone there was extremely jolly, but now I have to assume that I was in some kind of den of anthrophagy. Thanks, Danziger, thanks a lot.

New title: “Here’s a mishmosh of imagery vaguely related to a hot new movie that makes no sense to you or me or anyone else”

What it all means: The Mona Lisa is thankfully in the public domain, but apparently if you put “Da Vinci” and “Code” next to each other you get Sony Pictures’ legal department all over your ass, apparently.

New title: “Americans say cryptic but meaningful things to each other in bars.”

What it all means: Could go either way: is it a sardonic comment to the effect of, “We’re invading countries that we don’t even know where they are — how can that be right?” Or is it a statement of quiet strength: “You don’t have to be an egghead with a geography degree to know that sometimes you’ve got fight for what’s right?” More intriguing is the rich and wholly unnecessary detail put into the bar setting, which may give a clue as to where, when, and under what circumstances the cartoon was drawn.

It’s Friday! It’s a beautiful day! After yesterday’s torrential rain, the sun is out, the birds are chirping, the weekend beckons, and you’re still sitting in your office wasting your life away. That would make anyone turn mean, right? That’s why we at Wonkette provide to you the best in all-purpose political meanness every week. But on Fridays, we outsource the meanness to Editorial Cartoon Expert the Comics Curmudgeon, who, this week, has culled the meanest of the mean from Today’s Cartoons and dissected them in the name of science.

After the jump, the tears of a VPOTUS, dope-smokin’ presidents, and a certain congresswoman we know quite well.

You know who was the most aggrevated Stephen Colbert’s little snarky-snark snarkfest over at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner? No, not the President, who had to sit there and fume through it; not the lefty blogosphere, who went ape **** when it wasn’t recognized as the defiant jeremiad that it was; not the Washington press corps, who had to go through contortions to explain why it made them uncomfortable. No, the real victims were the political cartoonists, who speak the truth to power every day, man — if by “speak” you mean “draw funny pictures of — and who can never get a rise out of anybody. (Note: Danish cartoonists excluded from previous sentence.)

In order to recognize these brave men and women who aren’t afraid to discard the “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” advice their mothers no doubt gave them, we here at Wonkette this week have decided to feature the meanest political cartoons we could find. We also look behind the cruelity and try to determine if its justified.

Cheney weeps

Defiant statement of truth: Dick Cheney is a fat fraud!

Thinking about it a little: But did he really every claim not to be an evil mass-murdering bastard? I mean, did he ever use that exact sentence: “I am not an evil mass-murdering bastard”? I’m willing to suspend my judgement on the fraud charges until I see proof on that.

But is it true?: The Cheney-bot 9000 cannot produce liquid tears, even crocodile ones. Maybe after the next upgrade.

Groovy policies

Defiant statement of truth: Bush and Cheney are so out of touch with reality, it’s like they’re high!

Thinking about it a little: It would be very sad if Donald Rumsfeld were happy and high and yet still could only muster that tight, hypercontrolled little smile that makes it look like he has to poop.

But is it true?: Well, the paranoia is setting in, that’s for sure.

Katharine Harris is out of her hanging from a tree

Defiant statement of truth: The Bush brothers’ treatment of Harris has been so ungrateful, they might as well have lynched her!

Thinking about it a little: I can’t decide: Would this cartoon be more offensive if Harris were black, or less?

But is it true?: No man in this position could keep himself from looking up her skirt and still call himself a man.

The Da Vinci Code vs. God-fearing America

Defiant statement of truth: Far from attempting to cater to the sensibilities of millions of American Christians, Hollywood producers actually celebrate their scorn!

Thinking about it a little: Because the Last Temptation of Christ did those Titanic- like box office numbers, right?

But is it true?: While I don’t claim to know what goes on behind the scenes in Hollyweird, the fact that these two balding, middle-aged men have hired a young assistant with a very large chest does add a certain air of versimilitude.

Virgins spared

Defiant statement of truth: Convicted 9/11 plotter Zacarias Moussaoui is so vile, even the virgins awaiting martyrs in the afterlife want nothing to do with him!

Thinking about it a little: You get to the afterlife and then there are 70 virgins and they don’t even want to have sex with you? What the hell kind of reward is that?

But is it true: Lies! All vile lies from the infidel! Please don’t burn me in effigy. I’m very sensitive.

Hayden’s watching you

Defiant statement of truth: Michael Hayden, nominated to head the CIA, is so dedicated to a panopticon-style police state that it’s as if he had an enormous, creepy eye in the middle of his forehead!

Thinking about it a little: I’m having a hard time thinking about it, actually, because the drawing of the eye is so **** ing creepy.

But is it true: Eye … creepy … creepy eye … mustn’t look … can’t look away … —THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

It’s Friday afternoon. Have you tendered your resignation yet? No? Well, if you’re not planning on spending more time with your family, you’ll have plenty of time to catch up with Today’s Cartoons. But we wouldn’t want you to wade through that cesspool alone — no, we have with us, as always, trusty editorial cartoon sherpa The Comics Curmudgeon to guide you on your journey.

This week: take a guess. Immigration, gas prices, and fat kids. Oh, and a Clinton **** joke. Just like Imus! After the jump, the weekly cartoon roundup Rich Cohen finds endlessly unamusing.

Say! Politics! There sure is a lot of it going on! Yes, so many things out there to comment on like, um … forestry legislation, and, uh … probably something to do with the, uh, war, or, well, wars, I guess and, uh …

Oh, hell. We, the media elite who monitor your ruling classes, can barely be bothered to pay attention to more than, say, three major controversies at any given time. And really, since every issue is best boiled down to either “fer it” or “again’ it”, there are only so many political cartoons that you can do about one of said issues, right? So, naturally, you’re gonna get some repeats. Fortunately, you have professional cartoon-distinguishers such as ourselves to help you suss out the subtle nuances and determine who came out ahead in the battle for America’s political funnybone. If this batch of cartoons is representative, said nuances mostly seem to involve fat guys in undershirts.

(Yeah, we know that it’s sort of ironic that we ourselves have done something very much like this before. But when we do it, it’s not creative bankruptcy; it’s a semi-recurring feature! So just lay off.)

Lady Liberty vs. the Aliens

Good: Tiny aliens swarm over the jolly green symbolic giant, whose head and arm only are exposed, evoking fond memories of the end of the original Planet of the Apes. But her question supposed to be sarcastic or not? What the hell kind of political cartoon is this if it can’t tell me clearly how I’m supposed to think?

Better: The torch lying on its side is a nice, poignant image, with the sign in her hand as a replacement as a nice touch. It bothers me that she’s walking away from the podium, though — she lives on an island! The geography’s all effed up! It also bothers me that the geography of a political cartoon involving a walking Statue of Liberty bothers me.

Best: If you could replace the current majestic Statue of Liberty with a bald, sweaty, portly dude in a wifebeater, would you? Please? And then move on to give the Jefferson Memorial a mullet?

No more soda is school

Good: Yet another depiction of a ludicrously obese American youth; we know you love to draw fat kids, fellas, but it’s getting old. On the other hand, I find the label “U.S. KIDZ” goofily charming.

Better: I love the image of the kids clinging desperately to the Coke machine — they do too care about things, and are willing to sacrifice their bodies in an act of civil disobedience. And the schoolteacher’s “Wait! Wait!!” is ambiguous: does she want to prevent the maintenance man from making off with half her class, or is she too panicking at the thought of spending eight hours in a public elementary school without access to sweet, sweet soda pop?

Best: Terrorism, budget deficits, childhood obesity: There isn’t anything that isn’t somehow tied into Bill Clinton getting his **** sucked, is there? Of course, the idea that this thought would be going through Clinton’s head is laughable: We all know he liked his ladies with some meat on their bones.

Gas is ‘spensive

Good: As usual with Danziger, the beauty is in the details: The pinched look of contempt on the face of the woman in the truck, and the expression of sullen, apathetic defiance on the face of the poor gasman.

Better: Whee! Is there any political issue that can’t be made more cartoonable with a gratuitous reference to Anna Nicole Smith? Heck, no! Still, it’s a good thing one of these anachronistically bow-tied attendants identified America’s favorite Supreme Court litigant by name, because this caricature looks not a bit like her.

Best: When George Bush made that loopy reference to “human-animal hybrids” in his State of the Union address, didn’t you think to yourself, “Wouldn’t it be awesome if Tucker Carlson was the first victim of such a monstrous perversion of science, and he wandered the streets, begging for help, the good townspeople recoiling in terror from his freakish, elephantine vision, until eventually he ended his torment the only way he could: By filling his mutated, animalistic skull with gasoline?” What? You didn’t think anything like that at all? Uh, never mind, then. —THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

Another Friday, another roundup of Today’s Cartoons vivisected for your amusement by experienced caricature-identifier The Comics Curmudgeon.

This week: are they laughing at you? Are they? How can you tell? CC knows, and he’s here to help. All the grotesque feature-exaggerating you can handle, after the jump.

You don’t get into the political cartooning business because you want to draw noble, idealized portraits of public figures you admire. If that’s the sort of thing you’re into, why don’t you move the hell to North Korea and work on their propaganda posters, OK? Here in the good old US of A, we have a long tradition, dating back to the Era of Obese, Bowler-Hat-Wearing Corrupt Political Bosses, of using the graphical arts to cut our prominent leaders down a notch. With, you know, devastating emotional and political effect.

So let’s say that you yourself are a politician, foreign despot, celebrity, or other such person that political cartoonists feel like they can mock with impunity. How do you know that you’re being singled out for opprobrium? The way of the cross-hatcher can be wily and devious. So that you don’t feel like you’re being made fun of behind your back, we here at Wonkette have provided you with a handy sampling of hatees, and point out the tell-tale signs.

Who’s hated: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Signs of hatred: He’s surrounded by flies, the most hated form of winged insect life! Is this meant to imply that, far from being a garden-variety religious fanatic with nuclear ambitions, he’s actually Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies himself? Or just that, ha-ha, he smells like doo-doo? Ha ha, Mahmoud is a doody head, Mahmoud is a doody head!

Mitigating factor: Use of the classic Borscht Belt Yiddish-derived X, SchmX construction in panel five indicates that maybe there’s a crack in his unrelenting anti-Semitism.

Who’s hated: Big oil (says so right on the guy on the left’s lapel).

Signs of hatred: Just look at them: the huge waddles, the fleshy fingers gripping goblets of red wine, the greasy, disheveled combovers, the tell-tale red noses of hardcore alcoholics, the lids heavy with torpor and temporarily sated lust for power. They look like nothing so much as a pair of Christopher Hitchenses, which can’t possibly be a good thing.

Mitigating factor: Those oil profits, ripped cruelly from a protesting America’s collective wallet, seem to have been ground down to a fine, easily-digested powder — which is lucky for these two, because their digestive system has no doubt been compromised as evil eats them up from the inside out.

Who’s hated: John McCain, INSANE CRAZY MAVERICK

Signs of hatred: Well, I’m not sure if being turned into an adorably rotund syrup dispenser marks you as “hated” so much as “held in contempt.”

Mitigating factor: They’re only agitated because you broke their heart, John. Do what you gotta do with the wackos and then give them a call. They’ll come running back for your sweet, syrupy, maverick-y goodness.

Who’s hated: Congress. By America. According to real actual polling data!

Signs of hatred: Apparently, the graph of Congress’s approval rating plummeted so low that no piece of paper could hold it. In fact, this very mortal plane of existence was unable to contain it, leaving it nowhere to go but deep into the very bowels of hell, startling the Lord of Lies himself as he sits on his throne (festooned with the skulls of the damned, natch).

Mitigating factors: Thanks to Congress’s extreme unpopularity, Satan appears to have been briefly startled while enjoying his morning coffee. That’s right, America: Congress may not have been able to figure out immigration reform, but it’s annoyed the Prince of Darkness. That’s a solid achievement to put under its belt before recess.

Who’s hated: Recently **** -canned White House spokesman Scott McClellan.

Signs of hatred: Now, this one is subtle, but we’ve been through a lot of these, so I’m going to give you a chance to guess. Did you figure it out? Look at the barn … the horse … the stink lines … come on, I really want you to get this …

Mitigating factor: Despite Scotty’s being caked with feces, Dubya looks like he’s ready to give him a big hug. Also, Cartoon Scott has been given a closepin for his nose, so he doesn’t have to breathe in the foul stench of his own mendacity. Sadly, Real-Life Scott was given no such protection. —THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

Your Wonkette Editors went to a journalist-packed happy hour yesterday. We didn’t really intend to write it up, but being that this is the introduction to America’s Favorite Today’s Cartoon-Mocking Weekly Column, we’re going to take the opportunity to let you know something we learned: Tom Toles, Editorial Cartoonist Extraordinaire, not only works from the Post newsroom, he also has his own office. And it’s the biggest one on the floor. It’s bigger than Woodward’s!

What we’re getting at: Cartoonists are important. And influential. And that can go to their heads. Thankfully, Resident Cartoon Expert The Comics Curmudgeon knows how to take ‘em down a few pegs. And this week’s all about Reader Participation! Join the fun, after the jump.

Folks, even when you’re an internationally renowned comics expert such as myself, you sometimes run into cartoons that are just plain baffling. Of course, my first instinct is to blame the cartoonist. “What an obscure imbecile!” I shout to nobody in particular. “This cartoon is clearly the work of someone whose thought processes are addled by opium and ink fumes! There’s no way a reasonable person could be expected to make a bit of sense out of it!”

But deep down I’m a generous, forgiving, and deeply insecure soul. “Wait a minute,” I say, beginning to alarm the cat, who knows I’m not talking to her. “Maybe the meaning to these cartoons are obvious to all, and I’ve gone snowblind from staring at comics all day? Or, worse, maybe their meaning is so subtle and my mind so simple that I can’t comprehend it! Sweet God, my fancy college education has all gone for naught!”

So, I’m opening myself up to potential ridicule here by offering some political cartoons this week that puzzled me. Each of them charmed me in some aspect as well, since I’m easily charmed by pretty pictures. If the answer to the conundrums I pose are clear to you, feel free to post them in the comments. (And if you find this sort of thing easy, check out the posers over at The Comics I Don’t Understand Page.)

I wish you knew how to quit doing this

What charms me: The fact that the Republican-congress stand-in is riding an elephant. Call me old-fashioned, but I love me some elephant/donkey iconography in political cartoons, whether they be hyperrealistic or amusingly anthropomorphized. This elephant looks just like a normal elephant, except that he’s roughly horse-sized, and wouldn’t it be awesome to have a little miniature elephant? You could keep two of them in pets in your yard and name them “Tusky” and “Trunky”! Auxiliary charming thing: The huge, **** -eating grin on the lobbyist’s face, as if he and Congress just got done with a satisfying session of special-interest-group-favoring-law-crafting/ass- **** ing.

What puzzles me: Who still thinks “I wish I knew how to quit you” jokes are fresh and funny? Who? Who? Here’s a hint, fellas: the next big pop-culture film sensation is going to be Snakes on a Plane. Get on that bandwagon now while the gettings good!

Like a cartoonist knows what a huge bag of money looks like

What charms me: The idea that a CEO would be paid in large burlap sacks of cash, conveniently labeled in the millions and thousands. Also, the idea that a CEO so paid would carry those burlap sacks home, only to be confronted with his wife and the beginning of a hilarious, Lockhorns-style spat about money.

What puzzles me: There’s a comma or something missing from the dollar figure in the caption, so I’m a bit confused as to what the actual amount in question is. Somewhere, an out-of-work copy editor is shedding a single noble, majestic tear. I’m sure I could look it up on Google, but I think that I’d like there to be some small ambiguity in mind as to whether there really is some guy out there earning $54 billion a year.

Elabit? Bunnyphant?

What charms me: Oh, it’s all about the elephant again. This time he’s got an adorable cotton tail and the sort of wonderfully freakish half-elephant, half-bunny feet that we could see in real life if the powers that be would let us go full bore with the genetic modification stuff. The ears, however, are just tie-ons, presumably because the bunny-thing would be unrecognizable as Congress in disguise without the tradition elephantine ear flaps.

What puzzles me: OK, so, Congress/the Easter Bunny didn’t deliver any of the legislation/brightly colored eggs it promised, I got that. But … why is it standing there looking sheepish in the corner? Wouldn’t it be back in a tent somewhere having metaphorical ass sex with lobbyists? And why can’t our family see it? Maybe the invisible Easter Bunny does more than just fail to deliver; maybe it goes from house to house actively not delivering. That’s, like, heavy.

Raining on my parade

What charms me: As usual with Jeff Danziger, I hear the weird, spatially ambiguous grimness. Ah, mysterious man in trenchcoat: will you ever win?

What puzzles me: Just about everything else. Who is this soggy figure? His face looks kind of like Dubya’s, but it also kind of looks like Leonard Nimoy. Is the trenchcoat relevant? Does he represent a CIA spook, somehow made “soggy” by some metaphorical “umbrella” standing for, um, “something that I have no idea what it is?” Is this just a general cartoon about April showers? Is that it? Is Danziger such a magnificently prickly bastard that he’s satirizing rain? I hate to say it, but this is a context in which some labels might be a good idea.

Uh, yeah, “Heavenly Humor,” yeah

What charms me: The sequence of facial expressions on the Earth’s face. From disgruntled, with protruding lower tooth; to the beady-eyed formulation of a crafty plan; to some satisfied munching; to shock and confusion and the cycle begins again.

What puzzles me: No, but honestly: WHAT THE **** ING **** ? Seriously. —THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

After two-week sabbatical for reasons of vacation-taking and sickness-having, Cartoon Violence, America’s only regular Editorial Cartoon-mocking column, returns with a vengeance.

Our guide to Today’s Cartoon is, as always, the esteemed Comics Curmudgeon. Join him, won’t you, on a magical journey through French protests, leggy anchors, dirty scary Mexicans, and America’s Sweetheart, Cynthia McKinney. The violence is unleashed, after the jump.

Being a political cartoonist may seem like a pretty cool job — the fame! the power! the babes! — but I’ll bet that it can be a real grind: not only do you have to understand boring political issues like foreign policy and health care reforms and budget appropriations and zzzzzz…., but you then have to figure out how to turn them into an iconography that is easily understood by those who can’t be bothered to read up on the issues themselves and then cram those images into a 5 1/2” by 3 1/2” space — all on deadline. Despite our role here as a snarky snarkster who lives to snark on cartoons, we don’t really envy them their jobs.

Still and all, I’ll be that most artists have days when they remember why they got into the business … when they get to draw things that are fun and cool and totally awesome. That’s why, as a service to professional political cartoonists and those that aspire to be, we offer a guide to things that you can draw, and the relative awesomeness thereof.

La belle France

Something that’s cool to draw: French President Jacques Chirac. The eyebrows! The jowls! The eyebags! The shiny bald head! He’s a caricaturist’s wet dream, which may explain why the French, with their well-known love of the arts, have kept him in office for 14 years despite the fact they all seem to hate him.

Something that’s awesome to draw: French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin. Since he’s not Jewish, it’s totally OK to take that gynormous schnoz of his and run with it. His nose is so big it distracts from the epic lameness of this joke, done so much better by Mel Brooks 25 years ago. He’s my easily caricatured front-runner for the 2007 election over there.

Katie Couric, superanchor

Things that are cool to draw: Katie Couric’s teeth. So big. So shiny. So white. So scary when you just draw them as if they were a big undivided monotooth.

Things that would be pretty awesome to draw if you could actually draw them: Katie Couric’s legs. They’re svelte, they’re sexy, they’re on display, and they look really weird in all three of these cartoons. My advice: stick to what you can reproduce recognizably, like a deeply disgruntled Pope Benedict (not that there’s another kind) or a remarkably lifelike Matt Lauer.

Those wacky congresspeople

Something that’s not at all awesome to draw: Cynthia McKinney with boring, ordinary hair. SNOOZE. For God’s sake, you’ve spent more time drawing hair on the traffic cop’s forearm than you have on the greatest head of hair in America’s legislative branch!

Something that’s of acceptable awesomeness levels to draw: Cynthia McKinney with wacky hair. Hair! Hair! Crazy kinky hair! That’s what we want to see. Keep it up. The little anger/frustration puff of black smoke over her head is a nice touch.

Something that’s whacked out but still awesome to draw: Tom Delay with Cynthia McKinney’s hair. Look how huge it is! Look at the part in it! Look at the totally unnecessary but still extremely awesome earrings! Look at the hammer phone! For God’s sake, the hammer phone!

Something that’s monumentally awesome to draw: Tom Delay as a filthy, drunken, passed-out bum, lying in a trash-strewn alley, being sniffed at by a stray dog. You know the artist wanted to have him in a puddle of his own piss, but those namby-pambies down at the syndicate wouldn’t allow it, the jerks.

El Presidente Fox

Something that’s pretty OK to draw, I guess: Vicente Fox as Moses. The echoing poses in the two panels are nicely done, though I’m a little confused as to how the Grand Vizier-Pharaoh relationship maps on to Dubya and Uncle Sam.

Something that’s totally awesome to draw: Vicente Fox as a deranged, thrusty-chinned giant. In a zoot suit. OH NO HE DIDN’T!

Something that’s unnecessary to draw in such loving detail, but still awesome: The Statue of Liberty’s shapely bosom. I told you that cartoonists like to draw tits, didn’t I? —THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

The issues facing the country and the body politic are, these days, distressingly non-visual. Which presents some challenges to our nation’s caroonists. How to depict the prospect of a showdown with Iran? The lobbying scandals? The political fallout of the ports deal?

As our resident cartoon expert the Comics Curmudgeon learned this week, you do it with jokes about Dick Cheney shooting a guy in the face! And references to the difficulties faced by pimps out here!

Our weekly roundup of the general suckiness of Today’s Cartoons, after the jump.

Let’s be honest, everybody: there are only so many political-type issues that even the most rabid political-type person can bring him or herself to care about, politics-wise, right? So if you’re a political cartoonist, you’ve got a limited amount of material to work with. Plus, you’ve got to work fast if you don’t want to end up like Mallard Fillmore, talking about Dick Cheney shooting a guy in the face weeks after the guy already got out of the hospital already! There’s no time to consult at leisure with your cartooning colleagues over a drink or three, staking out territory. Thus, it’s no surprise when, now and then, two or three cartoonists churn out what’s essentially the same joke. Of course, that won’t stop us here at Wonkette from fulfilling our typical role in the metaphorical high school of the American political media scene: that catty girl who makes sure that everybody knows that Tiffany and Ashley wore the exact same dress to the prom like OH MY GOD.

In a desperate attempt to cash in on the NCAA March Madness whoznawhatsit that’s going around, I’ve broken these overlapping cartoons into “brackets,” in an attempt to determine the age-old question: ¿Qui es mas funny?

Wheels within wheels bracket

1.

2.

Why great minds thought alike: Because if you live in a dark world of cynicism and impure motivations, as Oliphant and Danziger do, nothing is accidental, and everything has a purpose, and you just know that this is what’s coming next. Sadly, even money says that the rest of us also live in this world and just don’t know it yet.

Telling the players apart: #2 contrasts Bush’s puny confusion to Cheney’s crafty bulk on a typical day in the Oval Office. #1 writes the hapless President out of the equation entirely, and sets the Veep and a charmingly rotund corporate caricture in some kind of featureless metaphorical void.

And the winner is: #1. #2 distracts with the baffling conversation in the lower left corner. Plus, the Halliburton guy in #1 appears to have a naked lady on his tie.

Butcher of the Borscht Belt bracket

1.

2.

3.

Why great minds thought alike: See, Milosevic died of heart failure … but he was a brutal dictator and mass murderer! So, it’s like he didn’t have a heart … I mean, not literally, but … hey, is this thing on?

Telling the players apart: #1 couple gets their news from TV, while #2 couple reads the paper; but who are the real intellectuals? #1 couple assumes you know who Milsoevic is and how he died, supplying the punchline and nothing else; #2 couple feels a need to rehash everything, and Mrs. #2 is brushing up by reading some kind of “Ethnic cleansing: A look back” package that her local rag threw together. Plus, #1 couple is watching the Obituary Channel despite owning a VCR and a DVD player. #3, meanwhile, has the guts to tell this corny joke from beyond the grave.

And the winner is: #3, mostly for not ripping off the New Yorker’s husband-and-wife-discuss-the-news schtick. Still, I’m puzzled by the multiple thought bubbles leading to the world balloon — is that supposed to be a mass grave? That’s mass hilarious!

Pimps up bracket

1.

2.

Why great minds thought alike: When a catchphrase involving the word “pimp” is out there in the zeitgeist, you’ve got to grab onto it as soon as possible and use it before it’s no longer socially acceptable. Quick! Pimp my political cartoon! Pimp it!

Telling the players apart: Okay, so it’s not really fair to compare the Boondocks, which has both a grasp of and some ironic distance from pop culture with an awkward attempt to shoehorn a hot phrase into a hot topic.

And the winner is: #2. #1 makes you really think about the politics-and-prostitution metaphor and conclude that lobbyists aren’t pimps at all, but rather johns — they’re paying and they’re getting something in return. I’m not sure who the pimps are in this scenario, nor do I know why it’s necessary to show us Duke Cunningham’s arrest in the background as a counterpoint to the lobbyist’s tears, since it only emphasizes that the lobbyist isn’t going to jail. #2, by contrast, is funny.

Ho’s down bracket

1.

2.

Why great minds thought alike: I’m not going to lie to you: cartoonists like drawing tits.

Telling the players apart: #2 makes the not-particularly-bold statement of, “Lawmaking and whoredom: they occupy the same moral space!” #1 by contrast creates a fully realized metaphorical world of congressional sleaze; I particularly like the woman looking up lasciviously from the basement window.

And the winner is: #1 in a landslide. By being so detailed, it manages to set up lobbying as a general metaphor for temptation and turpitude. #2 just furthers the confusion of how Washington power brokers map onto the players in the sex trade. She used to be in Congress … now she’s a lobbyist … and so she’s a prostitute because she’s a lobbyist? But the john thought she was in congress, so … OW! MY BRAIN! STOP IT!

Dick Cheney shoots a guy in the face and it’s related to Iran in some way bracket

1.

2.

Why great minds thought alike: Remember when Dick Cheney shot a guy in the face? Wasn’t that awesome? Isn’t it so much more fun to talk about than nuclear proliferation, which somehow manages to be both scary and boring?

Telling the players apart: #1 depicts armed Cheney as being completely out of control, while #2 has him knowing just what he’s doing. #1 features a charming quail-mullah hybrid. #2 features a target-butted Iranian prostrating himself before a nuclear missle, but fortunately Muslims aren’t easily upset by caricatures of their religious practices.

And the winner is: #2, because at least I have a vague clue what the hell it’s supposed to be about. #1, while much better drawn, is nevertheless all like, “Um, Cheney, Iran … um … **** !”
-The Comics Curmudgeon

Last week, we introduced you to Cartoon Violence, wherein our resident cartoon expert The Comics Curmudgeon, who read Hi & Lois at Oxford, marches grimly through Today’s Comics so you don’t have to (not that you probably feel too much of a need to, really, but presumably someone does, right?).

This week: CC believes that children are our future. Cartoonists seem to have never met any. Get yr crosshatch on, after the jump.

Greetings Wonkette readers! The Comics Curmudgeon here, back for another installment of political cartoon mockery. You know, when I was in eleventh grade, I had to draw a political cartoon for my history class; I chose to criticize NASA’s seemingly overreaching attempts to diversify its astronaut corps — not because I was opposed to affirmative action, but because I wanted to draw a Korean Elvis impersonator in a space suit. My teacher told my parents that the assignment didn’t represent my true potential, but he totally missed the fact that I ripped it off from Bloom County! You got punk’d, teach!

Anyhoo, most kids are much, much cooler than I was and don’t read editorial cartoons; so, just as the hatemongers behind TheAmishCanBlowMe.com can mock their peaceful victims online without fear of retribution, political cartoonists apparently think that they can trash-talk the youth of today on editorial pages across the nation. And of course, they’re right. Still, I feel a need to stick up for the little ones. This week, Cartoon Violence examines the good, bad, and ugly of kid-hatin’ toons.

(Click to enlarge)

Today’s kids are rude

The good: This destitute fellow could have been identified as an out-of-work fetus murderer, driven into destitution by the Culture of Life, merely by the sign — yet the artist went the extra mile and chose to dress him in OR scrubs. That’s added realism! Because when your job gets outlawed, you get to keep your clothes as a parting gift.

The bad: Can you show someone flipping the bird in an editorial cartoon? Is it somehow better when a baby does it? Isn’t this the sort of thing that would get torrents of angry letters if it happened in the Boondocks?

The ugly: Why flick off the doctor, kid? Your mom’s the one who wanted to abort you.

Today’s kids are slutty and litigious

The good: The kindly, bespectacled pharmacist actually fills this young lady’s prescription, despite his wistful longing for a simpler time, when eight-year-olds were forced to have their unwanted babies.

The bad: All of the cartoonist’s rage against loose women and lawyers are dumped onto an adorable freckle-faced child — a sure-fire method of getting winning the reader over.

The ugly: It’s like he tried to come up with a scenario for a cartoon, and then he thought, “Hey! What if two eight-year-olds were **** ing, and the condom broke?” I mean, right? That’s what’s happening here, right?

Today’s kids are fat

The good: Even though the kids aren’t sitting on the couch, the artist really put a lot of work into it. I respect that kind of craftsmanship.

The bad: The scenario could have been a lot more squalid. Visible grease stains, more moldy pizza crusts on the floor, the works. I’d say that the cartoon is supposed to be subtler than that, but, seriously, check out the forehead on the kid on the right.

The ugly: Hey, if they’re this unattractive, probably nobody wants to have sex with them, right? There’s your solution, cartoon #2.

Today’s kids are doomed

The good: Ah, deliciously horrible dark comedy, thy name is Danzinger. You didn’t even feel like you had to slap a W on this cartoon’s cowboy-booted, debt-laden protagonist.

The bad: I take a pretty firm anti-political-cartoon-label-metaphors stance. Still, even I have to admit that without the word “debt,” this cartoon would just be about crushing babies to death, which is a little bleak even for me.

The ugly: The president is about drop an anvil on an adorable infant. Do I have to draw you a diagram?

Today’s kids want to marry Tucker Carlson

The good: Prickly City’s Democrat coyote is doing something stupid and incomprehensible out of some sort of sense of whimsy, rather than doing something stupid and incomprehensible because he’s a liberal straw man.

The bad: The idea that an eight-year-old girl might swoon over Tucker Carlson is even more horrifying than the idea of two eight-year-olds **** ing. For real.

The ugly: No, seriously, can you imagine a little pink scrapbook all filled with, like, pictures of him with his damn bow tie and **** ? And notebooks that have “Me and Tucker TLA” and “Mrs. Tucker Carlson” written over and over on them? Jesus. I have to go lie down now.

Is the cartoon riot thing over yet? We don’t remember hearing about it this week at all. That’s always a good sign, right? Good work Hitch and Sully!

We do hope that episode ended, or fizzled out, or whatever. ‘Cause we don’t think people should be blowing up Danes, sure, but also because we want to go back to the world where no one gave a **** about cartoons. The world of, like two months ago. When editorial cartoonists, secure in their obscurity, could repeat the jokes they stole from 1950’s Herblock cartoons with crosshatching and textual labeling of strained metaphors straight outta vintage Thomas Nast.

We miss that innocent time. And so does our buddy the Comics Curmudgeon. CC’s been blogging about daily, non-political comics for a while now, so we asked him to take the impressive skills he’s developed as America’s Premier Comic Strip Mocker and train them on the political cartoonists of our nation’s newspapers. His analysis is after the jump.

You ever notice that if you help a friend out who’s having trouble with their computer, you become tech support for the whole neighborhood? Or that if you let one of your frat brothers give you a drunken blow job once your junior year of college, all of the sudden you’re “gay”? Well, I write a blog about comic strips, and because cartoons have been in the news lately (with the blasphemy and the riots and the hey hey), the Wonkette masterminds have decided that I’m the guy to parse the political cartoons of the day for you, their esteemed readers. My experience lies mostly in making jokes about how Rex Morgan, M.D. is heavily closeted, but I figure, how hard can it be? Of course, I’ll be making my criticisms with pointed barbs rather than explosives, in line with the violence-averse traditions of my overeducated people.

This week, we’ll compare and contrast the caricatured takes on two different issues. Some cartoonists have taken the high road and done their best to make us care about this whole UAE-port security thingamawho, while others long ago gave up on that sort of thing and joined the rest of America in mocking Anna Nicole Smith.

Click thubmails to enlarge.

The good: This cartoon subtly but faithfully captures Dubya’s “Oh, **** ” facial expression, which we’ve all had occasion to see more often that we’d like.

The bad: If you’re trying to wring humor from a fraught, complex issue that nobody really can explain, it’s best not to remind the reader of the time Cheney shot a dude in the face, which was easily understood and utterly hilarious.

The ugly: George Bush is depicted reading a newspaper, which destroys any sense of realism the artist might have been trying to project.

The good: Pirates **** ing rule. This one even has a little beard braid complete with bow, which, in a pirate context, is badass.

The bad: The sheikdoms currently making up the United Arab Emirates were collectively known as the “Pirate Coast” in the early 19th century, which may make this the most obscure slam on a nationality in history of cartooning.

The ugly: MAKE PARROT BUSH STOP STARING AT ME WITH HIS EMPTY, HAUNTED EYES! MAKE HIM STOP!

The good: Donkeys are amusingly angry-looking, with gritted buck teeth.

The bad: Loving attention lavished on caricatures of Kirk and Spock compares unfavorably with more basic drawing of Bush and completely generic herd of Democrats.

The ugly: Shatner’s bulging Star Trek VI-era gut is squeezed uncomfortably into a form-fitting Star Trek: The Original Series-era uniform.

The good: The sly smile on Stevens’ wizened face is a nice touch, as are Anna Nicole’s fishnet stockings.

The bad: The whole joke is explained at length in a word balloon, fatally undermining the visual nature of the medium. This may be a wrongheaded attempt to pander to the blind.

The ugly: Despite having an easily caricatured face, America’s favorite gold digger here looks eerily like a drawing of Fawn Hall, circa 1986.

The good: Offers a game if no doubt doomed attempt to shift attention from a fun, frivolous current issue (Playboy bunny/all-around train wreck appears before Supreme Court) to an important, boring issue that everyone’s forgotten about (Texas Congressional gerrymander … zzzzz).

The bad: First you smarty-pants types made the movie with the cowboys that were fruity, now you got the gumption to make the great state of Texas into some kind of damn homo European hairdresser. Might get a fella riled up, I reckon.

The ugly: The hideous, clown-like eyeshadow and rouge were quite enough to establish the pig of redistricting as unlovable; the stink lines and puddle of drool were unnecessary and, frankly, gratuitous.

The good: Despite the fact that most Americans couldn’t name a single Supreme Court justice, pick one out of a line up, or be bothered to understand what they do for a living, the artist has chosen to caricature Souter, Kennedy, and Stevens as doddering, liver-spotted zombies, rather than just drawing generic doddering, liver-spotted zombies.

The bad: It’s pretty much the same gag as the one up above, albeit in color.

The ugly: Can you look at this cartoon without visualizing a horrifying septuagenerians-on-silicone-enhanced-bimbo gangbang? Bet you can’t now.
—THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

Today’s Cartoons [Slate]