Earlier this afternoon, homeland security hottie Frances Townsend graced our television screens, to outline federal government preparations for a possible outbreak of pandemic flu. We were alerted to this development when our traffic spiked, due to Google searches for “frances townsend” and “frances townsend pics.”

The Times offers this account of the federal plan:

Although the federal government will stockpile 75 million doses of antiviral drugs and 20 million doses of vaccine to combat any outbreak of pandemic flu, local governments and individual communities will have to shoulder most of the burden in battling the disease, the White House said today.

Translation: “Good luck, kids, you’re on your own! This is not going to be another Hurricane Katrina, where the federal government gets blamed for everything. Fault your state and local governments instead.”

After the jump, a few more comments on the federal plan (such as it may be).

The Times explains:

Under the government’s plan for the worst-case possibility, a pandemic flu could cause up to two million deaths in the United States.

Ms. Townsend emphasized that the recent outbreak of flu among birds has infected people only rarely — but with deadly results. Of 205 people infected around the world, 113 have died, she noted…. [A] flu pandemic will be nothing like the “seasonal influenza” that restricts the unlucky who catch it to bedroom and bathroom for a few days.

“Pandemic influenza is different from seasonal influenza because it occurs when a new strain of influenza emerges that can be transmitted easily from person to person and for which people have no immunity,” the report notes. “Unlike seasonal influenza, which typically affects the frail and sick, pandemic influenza could present as much risk to the young and healthy.”

Translation: “YOU’RE ALL **** ED. And don’t look to us for anything, ‘cause there’s not a damn thing we can do about it.”

The Times continues:

A flu pandemic would severely disrupt the economy, and private businesses and government agencies should assume that up to 40 percent of employees would be absent for up to two weeks at the height of each wave of infections, the report says….

And people would have to change the way they live and do business, perhaps for months. They might be asked to limit their travel or, in the worst case, be ordered not to travel….

Companies would be encouraged, if not told, to curtail meetings. Social gatherings would be discouraged. People who show any symptoms would be advised to stay home altogether.

Solution: The United States should become a nation of bloggers. Bloggers can go for days on end without face-to-face human contact. We live lives that are blissfully free from annoying water cooler conversations, funny smells emanating from the office microwave, and, of course, fatal and highly communicable illnesses. It’s a great way to live.

Flu Plan Calls for Limited Federal Role [NYT]
Earlier: Federal Government Websites Continue to Entertain Us

Today the White House issued a hefty, 228-page report identifying some of the many failures in the federal government’s response to Hurricane Katrina. The report was submitted to President Bush by his homeland security adviser, Frances Fragos Townsend.

We’d list some of the report’s 125 specific recommendations, telling you all about that new “National Homeland Security University” — but we got a little distracted. We forgot all about the message, due to the hotness of the messenger!

It can’t be denied: Frances Townsend is a striking, patrician beauty. Check out her mountain-high cheekbones; her glossy, perfectly coiffed hair; and her Hepburn-esque, swan-like neck. Mischa Barton should look this good in twenty years! (Detractors might say Fran Townsend resembles Katherine Harris; but this little hint of evil only makes her more alluring.)

Does anyone have any juicy gossip or interesting anecdotes to share about this homeland security hottie? If so, please email us — or append a comment to this post.

(Please don’t accuse us of sexism; here at Wonkette, we are equal opportunity oglers. If the White House Katrina report were authored by some hunky guy — no, Michael Chertoff doesn’t count — we would have been equally distracted.)

White House Identifies Katrina Response Failures [WP]
White House Report Advises Revamping Disaster Response [NYT]

5:58 PM: We’re sitting in front of our TV and ready for this show to get on the road. Tired of Fox News’s relentless coverage of Neil Entwistle — we love tabloid trash as much as the next guy, but Entwistle’s not even interesting trash.

5:59 PM: This interview is probably going to be pretty anticlimactic. Most of the juiciest parts have already been released.

6:00 PM: Unless we learn about a magic bullet, or Lynne Cheney on a grassy knoll, this is going to be a non-event. But hey, this is our job…

6:04 PM: How long is this going to run? We have to meet people for drinks at 7.

6:05 PM: Why Brit Hume? Okay, we can see why. But if Cheney were to appear before, and gain absolution from, the Oprah, this controversy would evaporate instantaneously.

More after the jump.

6:06 PM: Wow, Cheney looks like he might cry. Where’s Barbara Walters when you need her?

6:07 PM: “Covey” of quail. Good word. File away for future reference.

6:09 PM: Yeah, it was one of the worst days of Harry’s life, too.

6:10 PM: Good thing Cheney always has a medical team and an ambulance with him. A hidden benefit to having frequent heart attacks!

6:11 PM: Brit: “Did you have a sense then of how he was doing?” Cheney: “Well, we’re getting reports, but they were confusing. Early reports are always wrong.”

Tell us about it. Now where the heck are those WMDs?

6:15 PM: Again: “First reports are always wrong.” Is this a hidden propaganda campaign in defense of Iraq?

6:16 PM: “No serious damage to vital organs.” Well, keep your fingers crossed, Dick. The heart is a pretty vital organ.

6:17 PM: “This is a complicated story.” Uh, really? Vice-President shoots man. We just told it in four words. How complicated is that?

6:22 PM: Correction via IM from Wonkette Emerita: “‘The heart is a pretty vital organ.’ Uhm, clearly not to Cheney.”

6:34 PM: Questions about Scooter Libby. Brit, don’t give the man a heart attack!

6:43 PM: Commentators. Where is rest of interview — is there more coming? It’s like when they put the weather at the end of the evening news.

6:44 PM: A reader writes in with this observation on Cheney demeanor: “It seems like that on every single question Dick looked down and to the side, like he was reading his answers. Furthermore, they really weren’t very difficult questions. I think that he may be a robot.”

6:45 PM: Okay, that’s all, folks. We’re off to drink and be merry!

Coverage of Secretary Michael Chertoff’s Senate testimony (continued from this prior post):

12:43 PM: Sen. Dayton has been going on for 7 minutes… Was there a question in there?

12:45 PM: Chertoff: “There’s a lot to work on at FEMA.” Um, yeah…

12:47 PM: Sen. Dayton is showing Chertoff pictures. Chertoff: “Part of the problem is hardware ‘n stuff.”

12:50 PM: Sen. Norm Coleman (R- Minn.) has taken over from his colleague. Good teeth; don’t know about the hair, though.

12:59 PM: Sen. Coleman: “To many people, FEMA is a four-letter world.” Yes, to many people; people who can count! Secretary Chertoff is indignant: “FEMA you! If you think I’m going to FEMA-ing sit here and let you FEMA me over, you’ve got another thing coming.” (Okay, FEMA isn’t a great four-letter word…)

1:02 PM: Sen. Mark Pryor is going over the taxonomy of mobile homes with Chertoff. (Wonkette contemplates a bathroom break.)

1:12 PM: Sen. Robert Bennett (R-Utah) to Chertoff: “Is the Coast Guard a part of the Department of Homeland Security?” Is that a trick question? Oh no, it’s a softball — the Coast Guard did fine work during Katrina.

1:17 PM? This isn’t nearly as exciting as the Brownie testimony. Time for lunch. If anything really exciting happens, we’ll get back to you later.

Coverage of Secretary Michael Chertoff’s Senate testimony (continued from this prior post):

12:12 PM: Sen. Lieberman has the floor now. He’s rambling on and on. He seems to be making a Judiciary Committee-style mistake: droning on excessively, instead of letting the witness hoist himself by his own petard.

12:19 PM: Chertoff is referring to something he calls a “judicial hangover.” Huh? Why are we talking about the late Justice Douglas?

12:22 PM: Chertoff says that he was “nudging” and “raising his voice” at Michael Brown. Good work, Secretary Chertoff — your job is secure now.

What exactly did said “nudging” involve? “Look, Brownie, I hate to be a nudge, but PEOPLE ARE DYING…”

12:24 PM: Sen. John Warner is speaking now. Electric blue tie not good for TV. Relatively friendly questions — kinda boring.

12:36 PM: Sen. Mark Dayton (D-Minn.) is questioning Chertoff now. Speechifying, blah blah blah. Compares Hurricane Katrina to some storm they had in Minnesota. “Back in St. Olaf…”

Secretary Michael Chertoff is now testifying before the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee. Wonkette is on the scene, liveblogging Secretary Chertoff’s desperate attempt to save his job. (This post will probably be updated several times — so keep refreshing that browser! — until we move into a second post.)

11:49 AM. That mustache looks good on Chertoff; it has a softening effect. He looks like sepulchral, less wraith-like; more “time to make the donuts”…

11:52 AM. Hmm, interesting how CNN is running pics of submerged New Orleans right next to Chertoff’s head. Fox News isn’t doing that…

11:57 AM. A little drama: an angry man just stood up in the gallery and started yelling, “Women and children are being thrown into the streets.” Security approached the man, but then he quieted down. It looks like he’s staying in the room. Sen. Joseph Lieberman says the man can remain if he listens quietly.

12:03 PM: Sen. Susan Collins, in her grating and pedantic manner of speaking, asks Chertoff why he trotted off to some avian flu conference instead of focusing on Katrina.

12:07 PM: Fox News is now running Katrina devastation pics alongside Chertoff’s head.

12:08 PM: Chertoff: “This avian flu conference involved some top-level people. It wasn’t like a conference you go to in a hotel.” Oh, that changes everything! We hate those boring hotel conferences too.

(To be continued in another post.)