• Convenience, Value, and Service for speed freaks with just a little Kafka-esque hassle for everyone else. [Cruel Sommer]

• If you thought the weirdest thing about Carol Schwartz was that she got elected as a Republican in D.C., here’s a link for ya. [DC Urban Family]

• Professor “No One Wants to Kill Me Yet” Tangherlini, teaches a crash course on metro. [Pygmalion In a Blanket]

• Reading the Washington Times out in the open? Eyes are all around, and yes, they’re judging you. [Countersignature]

From the “Bitch Set Me Up” files: Marion Barry tested positive for cocaine use in the fall after failing court ordered drug tests following misdemeanor tax violations. Barry currently sits on the DC City Council. So, with the professional company he keeps, we can’t blame anyone for failing to notice a tax dodging, drug-addict in their midst. I’ve been getting away with it for years.

Barry Tested Positive for Cocaine Use in the Fall [Washington Post]

-- Eric Pfeiffer

• Knowing what the Redskins had invested in their white-on-white unis, why did the Eagles elect to take the field in their away greens? Washingtonian breaks down the superstitions. We say the Skins'll keep on winning as long as Clinton Portis continues his multi-act hip-hop Fellini routine. [Washingtonian]

• DC Council breaks Christopher Hitchens heart, passes smoking ban. A victory for wellness or creepy nanny-state dogma? Only time will tell. Still, we recommend that pro-ban advocates don't take their bragging to The Raven, unless they like getting beaten on. [WTOP]

• Hey, Maryland! Let's see that ass! [Washington Post]

• Former Mayor Marion Barry is in a forgiving mood to those who robbed him, announcing himself as a "friend of the down-trodden, the underworld, the hustlers", and promising that he will not seek to prosecute the thugs that had a gun pointed at his dome. In other words, Washington: Ding! You are now free to rob Marion Barry at gunpoint! [DCist]— DCEIVER

According to reports, Washington, DC's Clown Prince of Crackiness and current Ward 8 Councilman Marion Barry was robbed at gunpoint last night by "some youths."

Barry had apparently been approached by a group of kids who offered to help the councilman carry his groceries into his apartment. Barry offered them some money for their trouble, but the youths, apparently feeling that Barry had not offered them a significant enough opportunity, returned to his stoop and held up Hizzoner, making off with his wallet and credit cards.

Despite the fact that it was a "traumatic experience" for Barry, this is the man who once insisted, "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate." First, given Barry's current level of indebtedness, those credit cards are probably maxed out and their use will probably only bring a swarm of heavily armed creditors swooping down on anyone who tries to use them. But mainly, the robbers didn't get their hands on Barry's gasification machine, so the joke is clearly on them. A Barry first.— DCEIVER

• Tony Williams postpones vote on baseball stadium, the rumor being that he's losing support on the DC Council. Peter Angelos and David Catania make for some odd -- and scorchingly unattractive -- bedfellows [Washington Post]

• Speaking of, Mr. Mayor--you just got served...a healthy platter of exclamation marks! [DCist]

• CNN plays host to a celebrity break-up. You're in the Situation Comedy! [FishbowlDC]— DCEIVER

Smokers and libertarians across the District yesterday are crestfallen today with the news that the D.C. Council's Committee on Health have decided to move a smoking ban bill out of committee that will ban smoking in all DC bars and restaurants by 2007 and move Christopher Hitchens that much closer to his inevitable nervous breakdown -- which we comfortably predict will surpass Breaking Bonaduce in both sheer gut-punching horror and goggle-eyed incomprehensibility.

In their parting shot about a month ago, Brooke Oberwetter of Ban The Ban signed off saying: "We fought the good fight, and at the end of the day we should sleep well, if for no other reason than that we can be secure in the knowledge that we aren’t earnest do-gooding busy-bodied hacks who rational people hate." Ahh, there's truth in that, perhaps. But what's certain is that when a DC Council member meets an earnest do-gooding busy-bodied hack, they meet as brothers. They've, like, got a secret handshake and everything.

If there's an upside to this, maybe it's that when Tom Delay meets Tom Khandker at a Ruth's Chris Steak House, their encounter won't be as unpleasant as the last one. Of course, by 2007, DeLay might instead be getting steaked by a guy named Chris in the big house. At least he'll be able to smoke afterwards. — DCEIVER

UPDATE: Alert reader Libby has bad news for Mr. Delay -- Texas houses of corrections have been smoke-free since 1994. Fun fact: "At one minimum-security prison, a bow and arrow were used to launch tobacco over a fence." Don't mess with Texas!

D.C. Council Committee Approves Smoking Ban [ABC 7 News]
Just About Over... [Ban The Ban]