Wonkette

We do not wish to make jokes about Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones’ death and resurrection. But we do want John Kerry to learn his lesson. It’s kind of WEIRD when you first hear about someone’s death in one of John Kerry’s 977 daily e-mails. For Christ’s sake, let the body settle! Because she was not dead after all, and now you are creepy.

IT’S A MIRACLE: Ohio Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones is alive again, after having an aneurysm and then being pronounced dead by John Kerry. She is a superdelegate, for Hillary, and superdelegates live forever. [CNN]

Wonkette’s associate editor — me! — has received his text message from Barack Obama before anyone else and can exclusively report that Minnesota’s Walter Mondale, who may or may not be alive, will become America’s second black vice president. WHERE IZ MY REPORTIN ACCOLADES BABY? Wait… Walter Mondale? Oh. Oh fuck you, Layne.

Here’s some low-level fuckery to get you through the afternoon, courtesy of perverse Wonkette Operative “Bobby,” who sends hilarious instructions for sending legitimate-looking TXT announcements from Barack Obama. Who will be the new vice president? Whoever you want, that’s who! MORE »

Denver has this peculiar thing that’s been in the news the last couple of years in which the city has more or less decriminalized, or stopped enforcing, marijuana laws for small amounts. On the other hand, Colorado state laws override the city’s initiative, and they suck. But overall, if you want to smoke your marijuana cigarettes, Denver’s a pretty good place to do so. EXCEPT WHEN THE STUPID DEMOCRATS COME TO TOWN. MORE »

The fattest people in the world got even fatter this year, as the obesity rate kept rising in 37 states and didn’t decline in the other 13 states. Mississippi, West Virginia and Alabama won the triple crown of fat-assery, surprising nobody, while Michigan was the only state in the Top Ten of Fat that’s not in the South, which also surprised nobody. Now let’s see how the Democratic Convention and Barack Obama’s vacation birthplace rate! MORE »

• REP. TUBBS JONES IN BAD SHAPE DEAD STILL IN BAD SHAPE: “Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones, D-Ohio, is reported to have suffered an aneurysm and is not expected to recover, according to CBS affiliate WOIO in Cleveland. WOIO also reported that the congresswoman is on life support at this time.” UPDATE: John Kerry has already sent out his statement, so she is deceased. UPDATE: No wait she is alive again. [CBS News]

LOLLLLLLZZZZZ: “WASHINGTON (AP) - Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani will give the keynote address at the Republican National Convention next month.” COMEDY. GOLD. [AP]

Usually it’s not worth it to post about Maureen Dowd’s column. She just does her thing. Nicknames, gender stereotypes, alliteration, hackneyed jokes, hackneyed narratives, whatever, let her quill gush forth, just leave us out of it. But things have changed, and she needs an intervention after this shit. Wasn’t this column the first scene from one of the Harry Potter books, with Voldemort talking about evil? Also: we are not notable practitioners of the so-called “Journalistic Ethics,” but is it really worth a New York Times columnist’s time and writerly capital to make things up? Like, entire narratives and motives? This column wouldn’t make the cut at most high school newspapers. Because. The badness. [New York Times]

John McCain has so many wives and daughters, it’s hard to keep track of which one has the dumbest blog. Oh, right, it’s Meghan McCain who has the dumbest blog. But this one, which maybe is a joke, is also dumb. [McCainBlogarella]