Category: fred becker

Mrs. Scooter Regrets

We were watching the footage of Scooter Libby's court appearance and something struck us: That lady with him! Then we realized she just looked like she was about to hit someone. We asked Fred Becker to make sense of it.

Dear Wonkerstick,

I was agnostic on the whole Scooter Libby business for a very long time. As you know, I once proposed legislation banning all nicknames based on childhood conveyances. I particularly distrust people named "Pogo." Anyway, I was struck [you, too? - Ed.] —which is I think is how you pundits start your sentences—by the frigid face of Mrs. Libby. She is known as Harriet Grant. Grant is short for Granite which is what her stone cold stare is made out of. And I’m talking about the kind of granite that makes up impenetrable mountains not the shiny, flecky type that looks so horrid on kitchen countertops.

If there was ever any doubt that Scooter is covering for the ample and decaying backside of the Vice President it could be seen in the face of that noble woman. She is fucking pissed. I mean, throw-the-crock-pot-through-the-family room pissed. Why? Because Scooter is protecting the Vice President, dummy! He told this unbelievable lie so that Cheney could keep his sweaty neck lowered down over a warm plate of pork chops. While he’s munching and munching, Scooter’s bank account dwindles, his reputation disappears and his children must suffer.

Guess it's only fitting that someone in the White House should have to take a bullet in all this.

For now,
I remain,
Your sharp-eyed supplicant,
Fred

Reuters

READ MORE: cia leak investigation , dick cheney , fred becker , harriet grant , scooter libby , wronged women

Fred Becker on Jon Klein

Talk of a "Cooper d'etat" at CNN has media mavens buzzing. It's certainly more entertaining than anything actually on the network. Fred Beck agrees.

Dear Wonky-Tonky,
 
Could there possibly be a better reality show than the constant crashing series of car wrecks brought to us by CNN/U.S. President Jon Klein? Who could make you love Aaron Brown? Jon Klein! It’s not just the bad programming Klein endorses that make me want to feed him peat moss. His public comments are so creepy, his self- assurance so supremely misguided and his praise so residue spreading I need handiwipes whenever I read about him.
 
Anderson Cooper is the anti “anchor” Klein tells us. And I tell people I’m humble all the time. Really I am. There are just some compliments that are meant to be said by other people. Klein's frantic wake-up calls to every media writer about Cooper's star quality are going to initiate restraining orders. All that heavy breathing.

 Al least he’s stopped writing all that piffle about journalistic integrity and storytelling on his chest and showing up shirtless at Giants games. The new theme? Good journalism is what’s happening to Anderson. Boy, how he emotes. Of course, the problem with this scheme is that the network is going to run out of tricks and the silver surfer is going to run out of emotions. Klein is going to have to make Cooper stub his toe before airtime or clock him with a digital thermometer each morning to get the juices going. The Fed raised rates now cry, damn you! Will they have to scrounge for the lower end of emoting? Distemper? Indigestion? Moody bowels?   I'm terrified frankly that by Christmas we're all going to be invited into Anderson's therapy sessions. Don't we already know enough about his mother?   Avoiding situations and rooms, I remain, Your claustrophobic scribe, Fred

READ MORE: CNN , aaron brown , anderson cooper , fred becker , jon klein

Say It Ain't So, Joe. Or Just Stop Saying Anything.

CNN just announced that Joe Wilson will be on a "special edition" of the "Situation Room" at 7PM tonight. But wait: Wilson was just on. And it's not like it was a forgettable appearance. He makes Wolf look humble and retiring, what with bragging about his Vanity Fair picture making it into the International Spy Museum and lectures maintaining a sense of humor through the use of "irony." Here's some irony, Joe: You know what Scooter Libby should have to do as penance for blowing your wife's cover? Marry you. We asked Fred Becker why the Dems have such shitty martyrs.

Dear Wonkondowntheline, Joe Wilson this letter is for you. I know you will read it because you can’t resist anything that contains your name. You must have wicked Google news alerts. Joe, please for the love of God, stop. Please stop talking. Each day you make it clearer and clearer why your wife wanted to send you to Niger.

There must be easier ways for your wife to get you out of the house other than sending you to foreign lands or making you live off of green room canapés. I understand there are a lot of fallen leaves in Washington. Perhaps you could rake them. It gets the blood up and you could tell your banal tales of mystery and intrigue to the rake. It is perhaps the last object on this fertile spinning earth that will listen to you. 

Today, on the Situation Room you suggested that anyone who has a problem with the picture you posed for in Vanity Fair needs to “get a life.” Joe, advise thyself! You said the picture showed irony. Yes, I suppose that self-serious grin was ironic. Here’s a man playing at James Bond next to the real victim. It wasn’t Scooter Libby’s stupid clumsy leaking that did such damage to Valerie Plame, it was the vicar who allowed you to fumble your thick fingers in whatever devilish way you did to get that wedding ring around her finger.

So, to conclude Joe, please stop. There are real villains in our government. Stop making them look so good by comparison. Any more from you, and I’m going to think that Karl Rove is paying you to make his evil little band look sympathetic.

I am exhausted but I still remain 
Your humble servant,

Fred.

READ MORE: CNN , fred becker , joe wilson , wolf blitzer

Fred Becker Strums Frum

One of the cattiest "socs" in the everyRepublican-versus-elitists Harriet Miers rumble is National Review writer David Frum, who endeared himself to us by saying what we all were thinking ("unscrupulous dissembler") and then taking it back. How does he get away with such would-be balliness? And is the White House frightened of their former speechwriter-turned-backbiter? We asked our SAO operative, Fred Becker, to make sense of it for us.

Dear Wiley Wonkette,
  
When is it going to happen that David Frum is called out? You must please do it now and with waiving torches. He can no longer pretend that he was an intimate in the Bush White House or really that he very much understands either the White House ethos (a Frum word!) or the political magic that Bush and Rove performed to win two national elections. He dines out on his time in the White House, but if you mention his name to anyone who ever had or has had any real power in the White House they will collapse in helpless laughter. There are warnings from OSHA in the West Wing that explicitly forbid mentioning his name near people drinking coffee for all of the scalding accidents that occur. As to the effluence in his columns? They should be read with a sneeze guard.

I would be happy to let him go about his mediocre way but oh the sanctimony and self-promotion. It makes the pancreas ache! Getting your speeches rewritten from top to bottom by Karen, Dan and Mike is not something you should be proud about. And that was back when they were on their game.   He opines and blathers on but shouldn't there be a law? I was once against government intrusion into private affairs, but he is making me a big government, George Bush conservative.   I remain, your truckling tragedian, Fred

READ MORE: SCOTUS , david frums , fred becker , harriet miers , top

Fred Becker Decodes the Note: "Tedious, Self-Congratulatory, Inane"

Wonkette's Strunk and White correspondent, Fred Becker, read the Note today. He Notes:

My lovely Wonkenfurter,

Today I have officially decided that the Note has become the flabby old man muttering to himself in the corner of the Elk's lodge. He's alone because with each passing year he has added one more glug of cologne the way each day The Note seems to add one more tedious, self-congratulatory, inane gale of writing. My favorite today:

We are still amazed by the lack of a White House handle on Miers record, by the lack of un-Hechtian surrogates, by the things that come out of Judge Hecht's mouth, by the only memorable thing Sen. Coats has said so far in "support" of Miers, by the apparent failure to think through the Dobson thing and the Richard Land thing...

Here, let me help: "thing: quote, statement, situation, controversy"... Ah, what good could it do? At this advanced stage (apparently they're "doodling on their jeans" already) the flabby old man's repeated use of the cologne has dulled his senses so that he sadly cannot tell what's the matter. Nevertheless, each night after straightening his medallions and arranging his thinning hair he dumps another bucket of the Dakar Noir over his head in the hopes that finally someone, anyone will notice him.

Until then,
I remain,
In search of the serial comma,
Fred Becker

READ MORE: SCOTUS , abc , fred becker , harriet miers , nathan hecht , press corps , the note

Taft Punk

Apparently, there's more going on in Ohio besides fixed elections. We read today about Governor Bob Taft, who this morning pleaded "no contest" to four misdemeanor counts involving breaking the state's ethics laws. He failed to report gifts, most of which were rounds of golf. Reading up on the case, we saw a familiar name among the golf partners: John Snow, a.k.a. The Secretary of the Treasury. That's right: Taft is a Republican. We asked Fred Becker what gives.

Dear Wonkleupagus,
 
I am sorry you didn't get that Reliable Source position. However, I'm always in need of a ready laugh and take comfort in still being able to make people chuckle by saying: "If the Post Style section were alive today..."

Anyway: Bob Taft. He always seemed like a Chevy Chase character playing a governor to me, but that's not why I write. He's in a pickle and he sure could use a hand from someone like George Bush. The party could use the help, too, what with Taft being living proof that Republicans don't play by the rules. Neither do the Dems, but they didn't get caught this time. Or the last. Have I mentioned Jack Ambramoff?

Look, Bush knows how to support a guy when he's down. Look what he did for Raphael Palmero. The President, who was once tough on steroid use in baseball, waved the hand of absolution over the Orioles slugger. Palmero played for the Texas Rangers when Bush owned part of the team. Though Bush was never really in a position to assess his character, Palmero's talent on the field gave Bush the opportunity to use his special "heart vision" and declare it "good." This blessing is irrevocable. (See Rove, Cheney, Rummy.)

So Taft could use some of that blind love now. Maybe Bush doesn't know Taft's heart. Though the President had to spend dozens of days in the crucial swing state of Ohio, he never really took to the Guv. Bob spent a lot of time complaining in the cabin of Air Force One about unemployment and high Medicaide costs. That he couldn't help provide a more comfortable victory margin for Bush in Ohio didn't' help either. So will Bush come out and make some extraordinary blanket statement of absolution? He's more likely to cross the road to bring Cindy Sheehan sunrise canapés.
 
Until another indictment,

I remain your faithful servant,

Fred

READ MORE: bob taft , fred becker , ohio , scandals

Michael Wolff's Rucksack of Dross

We were so distracted by Michael Wolff's use of the word "fucking" to describe the Plame/CIA leak investigation story that we forgot to try to figure out what he meant by it being a "fucking big story." Like, has he seen the size of Cheney's schlong? Anyway, we asked Fred Becker to explain.

Dear Wonkenutter,
 
I heard that at one of those fancy media lunches yesterday, Michael Wolff was heard to declare that the Valerie Plame outing was “one of the biggest stories of our age.” This is undoubtedly true. I say this because I presume by “our” he means the men’s room sect of idea-free media writers consumed by mogul envy. And by “age” he means the timelines of planet Zog.

Here on earth we’ve had a couple of wars in our age. An election was contested here and the Supreme Court had to decide the outcome. A President was impeached. Oh, and they flew some planes into buildings very near where Mr. Wolff spends frantic time stitching new gallant robes of flowing pedantry.

I understand that Mr. Wolff writes for Vanity Fair—I never get past those dreamy celebrity one-handed reads so I wouldn’t know. But I am very anxious to buy the next issue in the hopes that he might give us some clues about which wardrobe to enter to emerge into the world in which he lives. I have no late summer vacation plans and apparently all that’s necessary to make the trip is a rucksack of dross.

Until my next postcard (from planet Zog!) I remain,
 
Your faithful servant,
 
Fred Becker

RELATED: Breakfast at Michael’s, Abridged [Gawker]

READ MORE: fred becker , gawker , michael wolff , plame investigation , vanity fair

Ohio's District Two: The Interpretive Dance

We were up late last night, crossing our fingers for handsome anti-war vet Paul Hackett to squeak out a victory in Ohio. But by the time the gin was gone, the race was called for the scary marathon-running pro-lifer. Imagine our surprise upon reading this morning that Hackett's loss was, in fact, a sure sign of Republicans' downfall; as Rep. Rahm Emanuel, chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee, put it, "There's no safe Republican district. You can run, but you cannot hide." We asked Fred Becker to explain.

Dear Willie Wonka,
 
I need a vibrant two party system and this morning’s result from Ohio depresses me. Not because I am haunted by the skeletal frame of the Republican winner (is she planning on challenging Bush to a race?), but because the Democrats' spin makes my brain curdle. Not to put too fine a point on it, but when the other candidate gets more votes, that’s a win.

Democrats might look to their “re-defeat” Bush strategy in 2004 that was so successful. While they have been talking about how they really won the 2000 and 2004 elections and existing in an alternate universe where all the wars are just and all the lunches are free, George Bush has redefined government for the next forty years. I’m sorry that I’m not very clever or original about this but I need conflict and strife in my two party system. When one party believes in fairies and incantations it means that they will be stuck fielding candidates wearing satin capes and toting collections of twine.     So, until I can find Rahm Emanuel’s inhaler or whatever will keep him from dishing out this drivel by the tumblerful, I remain,  Your faithful wisecracker with lower back pain, Fred

READ MORE: Democrats , Republicans , congress , fred becker , ohio , paul hackett , rahm emanuel

Alexander the Great Was a Hero to Some

We've been getting multiple reports of Michael Douglas sightings and understand that he's in town to make a movie of some kind. You know what that means: Eventually, we will see his ass. Contemplating this thought made our minds turn to film criticism in general and we asked our own Fred Becker if he's seen anything good lately:

Salutem Plurimam Wonkette,
 
Before joining my other GS-9 colleagues here at the Department of Homeland Security (today is Burnt Umber Friday) I was browsing what the man whose picture is in the lobby likes to call the webonator. I saw on the Drudge Report that Oliver Stone is starting to resemble Mr. Bush: He is blaming others for his failures.

Stone says the youth of America just didn’t understand his movie "Alexander." He says, "Because of BRAVEHEART, I think kids see ancient times as, 'Hey man, that's violence!' They don't see it as separate cultures that in some cases had stronger values than ours.”

He also could have said that Alexander achieved the Olympian goal known as “the worst film in recorded time,” not even the Greeks could make a worse film. Of course, if they made any film at all that would be a great achievement. In any case, it is the first film about Alexander the Great in which he is Irish however, which is nice. That should make the attack by the Danes in Stone's 9/11 film very compelling.

I am shutting down this horrible machine. Until I hit the on button again, or kindle more coal to light its fires I remain,
 Herniated form lugging unfocused scorn,
 Fred

READ MORE: culture crit , fred becker , george w. bush , michael douglas , movies

Preparing for Scott McClellan's Second Career

Things got a little repetitive in the WH briefing room yesterday, as Scott McClellan lost track of where the questions stopped and the stonewalling began:

Q Has Karl Rove offered to resign, in view of his problems?
MR. McCLELLAN: Again, you keep asking these questions that are related to an ongoing investigation --
Q Does he still have his security clearance?
MR. McCLELLAN: -- and those are questions that have already been addressed.
Q No, they -- I've never heard this before. Have you?

My Incandescent Wonkfire,
 
It occurs to me that Scott has an opportunity. Each day he protects Karl and refuses to answer obvious questions from the Washington press corps, his earning power diminishes. At least Mike McCurry increased his speaking fees -- he was lying for the President. Defending someone the President nicknames Turd Blossom isn't as profitable, though he may be in demand for the annual mulch farmers' retreat.

If the world were fair, Scott would barter Karl’s pink porcine posterior in trade for something useful. Karl could:   • Wash Scott’s car for a week. • Keep track of his Cosi and Starbucks frequent purchaser cards. • Write weekly thank you note to Fred Barnes for naughty playthings set. •  Orchestrate invasion of third rate country to clear space for vacation spot or McClellan love nest.   So maybe your readers could offer some of their own ideas because Scott surely deserves something for a career destined to be withered into an arid stalk. No reason to leave him shaking a dead geranium for the rest of his life.   Until I find a better way to spend August I remain,  All tangled up in my iPod headphones,  Fred

July 27, 2005 Press Briefing by Scott McClellan [WhiteHouse.gov]

READ MORE: White House , fred becker , karl rove , plame investigation , press corps , scott mcclellan

WH Pool Report: Being Pool Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry

In this White House pool report, an anonymous source refuses to go on the record about the President's compassion:

From: White House Press Releases
Date: July 22, 2005 3:49:20 PM EDT
Subject: POOL REPORT #2, 7/22/05

Atlanta to Andrews
 
   Uneventful motorcade from civic center to Hartsfield-Jackson airport. Ditto flight back to Andrews.
     
   Footnote: after  "conversation," we held in sweltering vans for about a half hour while POTUS reportedly met with families of troops who died in Iraq. A WH source (sorry, best I could do) said potus met with family members of just ONE soldier, who was killed in Iraq.
 
Ed Chen
 Los Angeles Times

My Lovely Wonkpants,

Note that Ed is sorry because he can't source the information more accurately (senior official traveling with Bush or somesuch) but I wonder in this age--where the word "conversation" has to be put into quotes-- if he's not just sorry he has to source it to a White House official at all. I mean, judging from Scotty's behavior recently and the administration's relentless stonewalling, it seems like White House officials are the last to know what's going on. However, if you want to know the employment history and/or blood type and food allergies of Bush critics, they can map their DNA for you from memory.

Until my next dispatch, I remain,
Your scurrilous scribbler,
Fred

READ MORE: ed chen , fred becker , george w. bush , pool report , press corps

Leak Speak: The Grand Jury Finale

The Mikes McCurry and Isikoff lately have said in public what's been annoying journalists in private all over town for months: For all the trouble we're going through to make Scott McClellan quiver like last night's Jell-o, the investigation at the center of the Rove-Plame-Cooper-Miller-Novak shitstorm had better deliver a smoking gun or at the very least some anal-oral contact. We would think the act of talking to Novak would qualify on that last point, but you are free to disagree. We asked Wonkette's own Fred Becker -- who has a side interest in grand jury investigations -- what he makes of prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald.

My Dearest Wonktilda,

One thing I know is that Ken Starr will be really happy if Fitzgerald goes through all this--interviewing the president, putting journalists in jail-- and then doesn't have dick. Ken Starr had dick, semen, the whole shebang. Well, not the shebang, depending on your definition of "bang."

The mythmakers say Fitzgerald's really good and thorough but prosecutorial discretion is also part of being good. So does he have that trick in his hat or is he just a guy with a hard on and a subpoena? Time for someone to write a story that says not since Babe Ruth pointed at the fence has a person set himself up for a put up or shut up moment. Of course, the pressure has become so great that when Fitzgerald does deliver something into the slow summer news period, the media is going to go ape shit over pretty much anything.

Btw, Daily Show had excellent excellent Jonathan Klein mocking the other night. He is a vastly silly man in competitive undershorts.

That's all I have to say on the matter at the moment. For all of the fuss I remain,

Your irritated scribbler,
Fred

READ MORE: DC , Media , fred becker , plame investigation , scott mcclellan , top

Scott McClellan Needs Your Love

Things are getting so bad in the WH briefing room that even Scott McClellan admits he's gotten his ass chewed: MR. McCLELLAN: It may not look like it, but there's a little flesh that's been taken out of me the... [more]

READ MORE: DC , Media , Personalities , White House , fred becker , george bush , plame investigation , scott mcclellan , top

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