Presidential Daily Briefings are Apparently Typeset on the Gutenberg Printing Press and Sent to the Oval Office by Passenger Pigeon

So, President Bush is on television right now, thrusting his fists against the same old posts, still insisting that he sees the same old ghosts. The speech is filled with so many of the same old quotations about the war in Iraq, that we can only assume that the dude who’s responsible for typing text into CNN’s scroll is CTRL-Ving his finger to the nub. For our part, the only way to make Bush’s speech fun is to play the fortune cookie game:

• “We will not rest until the enemy is defeated…IN BED!”
• “We will not base our strategies on the artificial timetables established by politicians…IN BED!”
• “As the Iraqis stand up, we will stand down…IN BED!”

Still, the President has added a new wrinkle to this speech, suggesting that his words aren’t merely some sort of autonomic nerve response that occurs whenever a gathering of people clap at him. Today, he’s perseverating profoundly on “improvised explosive devices.” Seriously. He’s got like, three whole grafs on the subject.

This begs the question: “Holy shit, Mr. President! Are you just hearing NOW about IED’s? Those things have been around since, like, a week after the invasion, and we’re just now getting around to talking about them?” Uh-oh, we detect the aroma of another “historical document” that’s lingered too long in his inbox.

Tune in next week, when President Bush gets firm with the people who’ve looted all of Iraq’s museums!

READ MORE: fortune cookies, george w. bush, war in iraq