Metro Section: Symphony in .38 Caliber

• Attention tourists: the following will vastly cut down on the number of dirty looks you receive per hour of touring. [An OC Girl Living In An Extraordinary World]
• Not included in the guide: how do handle crazed violent psychos on the metro. [ Thoreau’s Journal]
• Distinguishing the rapport of a bottle-rocket from a MAC-10 is for more advanced urban tourists. [Cruel Sommer]
• A cell of terrorist haxors has started attacking sites they find while surfing for porn. [The Gentlemen of the CPMC]
• MTV heads to Hawk n’ Dove for the same reason everyone does: hard partying underage interns willing to exploit themselves. [The Hill]

READ MORE: DC, WMATA, fireworks, guns, hawk ‘n’ dove, interns, jessica cutler, metro, metro section, mtv, terror, tourists

Wonkette’s Week in Review: All The News That Fits

• CIA Director Porter Goss called it quits this week, and didn’t make up a reason for leaving. Not even the standard “time with my family” excuse, which of course makes us think it had something to do with the hookers or the gambling and payola. Anyway, he’s back on the gulf shore already, and everyone is waiting to hear who the next shady character to take over the job is going to be.

• Scott McClellan gave his last press conference on Friday. The door did not hit his ass on the way out.

• In a drug-addled haze, Patrick Kennedy drove his car into a concrete barrier early Thursday morning. We were so hoping it was an 8-ball he chased with a liter of plastic-bottle vodka, but it looks like Pat is just your average congressional pill-popper. To add insult to self-induced injury, he only made it three blocks away from the bar before he crashed, which is nothing new for him. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back, though, and he’s admitted powerlessness and is heading to rehab. Godspeed Patrick, we’ll probably see you there soon.

• All the breaking real news wore us out, so we took a little break to talk some smack about Elaine Chao.

• Crazy-ass Zacarias Moussaoui gets to spend the rest of his life at a supermax prison in South Park Florence, Colorado.

• Dick Cheney is featured in the June Vanity Fair. The article confirms a lot of suspicions about him being a bit of an odd duck and a “big time” asshole.

• We almost forgot, there was huge party last weekend that we wrote all about after sobering up. Of course after the party, there’s the after-party, and after the party it’s the hotel lobby.

READ MORE: CIA, White House, accidents, alcohol, annoying people, assholes, bit of an odd duck, breaking, briefings, conspiracies, crazy talk, dick cheney, drugs, drunk driving, elaine chao, events, gossip, hawk ‘n’ dove, hookers, law, mysterious resignations, parties, patrick kennedy, pills, porter goss, prom, prostitutes, resignations, scandal, scott mccellan, sex scandal, sex scandals, supposedly good dancing republicans, terror, terrorism, top, unverified rumors, war on terror, wednesday morning massacrette, week in review, whca, whcd, zacarias moussaoui

Patrick Kennedy: Drinking or Pill-Popping?

Representative Kennedy was, according to his own statement, hopped up on goofballs at the time of his early-morning car wreck yesterday. The ol’ Ambien defense, ya see. Which we believe is the same excuse used by John Kerry to justify his vote for the war resolution. But the Boston Herald might’ve hurt that alibi a bit:

U.S. Rep. Patrick Kennedy insisted yesterday that he had consumed “no alcohol” before he slammed his Mustang convertible into a concrete barrier near his office, but a hostess at a popular Capitol Hill watering hole told the Herald she saw him drinking in the hours before the crash.

“He was drinking a little bit,” said the woman, who works at the Hawk & Dove and would not give her name.

In his defense, that could’ve been any Kennedy.

Pat, you clearly shouldn’t be driving yourself around. For your own safety and the safety of others. Next time, hire a car service. We know a great one. Very discreet.

Pat cites pills in car wreck [Herald]

READ MORE: accidents, alcohol, drugs, hawk ‘n’ dove, patrick kennedy, pills, top