Wonkette’s Week in Review: Deciding Who’s the Biggest Asshole Edition

• The tasteful classic rock hits finally stopped playing, and when they did, Scotty was the one without the chair. We heard later that maybe he never even had a chance.

• We wouldn’t have called it WEDNESDAY MORNING MASSACRETTE just for Scotty. Turns out Turd Blossom has a new job too.

• Wonkette loves a power vacuum. Who, oh who, will not be answering Helen Thomas’s questions now? Qualifications required: 1. Republican 2. Has been on TV.

• It wasn’t all White House this week. In fact, once we heard about Kathrine Harris’s bus tour — not to mention her attempted seduction of a college journalist — we forgot all about the Massacrette.

• You have to respect a congresswoman who’s not afraid to call it like she sees it. We’ve even started emulating her, and so can you, unless you’re too big of an asshole.

• Some people are always looking for signs that the apocalypse is upon us; if you’re one of them, you had a pretty blockbuster week.

• Some too-old-to-hack-it-anymore retired generals are calling for Donald Rumsfeld’s resignation, but Bush says he’s the “decider,” and his decision is: Rummy stays. The President doesn’t want anyone making fun of him anymore either. He’s smart really, just maybe more of “wikilectual,” than, you know, an intellect-ual.

• Loyal readers, you never cease to amaze us. We pose one simple question about some good old-fashioned congressional adultery, and you deluge us with emails filled with your hopes and dreams.

• Way to go, Washington Post! You totally kicked some Times ass, and all thanks to Robin Givhan, who heard the news while wearing an ivory crewneck sweater that was a perfect metaphor for the simple, yet complex task of writing about famous peoples’ clothes, which itself is a reflection of the world’s preoccupation with image as perception, and sometimes a red tie is just a red tie, and she really wants to thank the little people, and oh! thankyou, thankyou, thankyou, air kisses for everyone!

READ MORE: Media, White House, assholes, awards, blind items, capitol hill, field trips, florida, gossip, holy shit, jo ann emerson, karl rove, katherine harris, oh fuck, perverts, pulitzers, resignations, robin givhan, scott mcclellan, sex scandals, shake-ups, swimming costumes, unverified rumors, washington post, week in review

More Breaking News: The Apocalypse Is Near

Some bad news from the West Coast:

Plague, of course, is one of the classic signs of the apocalypse. And here are a few others:

• Fire: Check. At that holy site called the Heritage Foundation, no less.
• Wars: Check.
• Rumors of wars: Check. Thanks, Sy.
• A spree of false Christs and/or Messiahs: Check. That’s what all this “Gospel of Judas” business is all about.
• The birth of the Antichrist: Check. And the TomKitten is named Suri, which means “utterly fucked” in Persian.

Finally, earlier this week, Robin Givhan won a Pulitzer Prize.

Wow. We’re seriously, seriously fucked.

Case of bubonic plague confirmed in L.A. [CNN]
Apocalpyse [rotten.com]

Earlier: BREAKING: Fire at the Heritage Foundation
Sy Hersh: Life of the Party
BREAKING: ROBIN GIVHAN WON A PULITZER!
Related: BREAKING: Tom and Katie’s Publicist Gives Birth on Their Behalf [Gawker]

READ MORE: breaking, disease, heritage foundation, holy shit, iran, iraq, katie holmes, oh fuck, plague, pulitzers, robin givhan, seymour hersh, tom cruise, tomkat, tomkitten, top

Sy Hersh: Life of the Party

Oh, hi there, famed investigative reporter Seymour Hersh. What’s up?

There is a growing conviction among members of the United States military, and in the international community, that President Bush’s ultimate goal in the nuclear confrontation with Iran is regime change.

Heh heh, that’s, uh, that’s a good one. Pretty funny stuff. Seriously, though, how are ya’?

One former defense official, who still deals with sensitive issues for the Bush Administration, told me that the military planning was premised on a belief that “a sustained bombing campaign in Iran will humiliate the religious leadership and lead the public to rise up and overthrow the government.”

Uh, yeah, you almost had us going there for a minute. You’re quite a joker, Sy. Weather’s sure been unpredictable lately, don’t you think?

Some operations, apparently aimed in part at intimidating Iran, are already under way. American Naval tactical aircraft, operating from carriers in the Arabian Sea, have been flying simulated nuclear-weapons delivery missions—rapid ascending maneuvers known as “over the shoulder” bombing—since last summer, the former official said, within range of Iranian coastal radars.

OK SERIOUSLY IT’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE.

The adviser added, however, that the idea of using tactical nuclear weapons in such situations has gained support from the Defense Science Board, an advisory panel whose members are selected by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “They’re telling the Pentagon that we can build the B61 with more blast and less radiation,” he said.

Oh man you are totally not invited to our next barbecue.

The Iran Plans [New Yorker]

READ MORE: holy shit, iran, nuclear war, seriously: holy shit, seymour hersh, war

CHRIS MATTHEWS HAS THE SHINING

Chris Matthews, yesterday, to Hillary Clinton spokesperson Glover Park Group Consultant (same diff —ed) Howard Wolfson:

I understand why she doesn’t admit she’s wrong. Then they’ll say it is a woman’s prerogative to change her mind. I know why you’re not doing that. I have almost transparent knowledge of your soul and I appreciate you coming on the show and I think you’re doing a great job.

…

I HAVE AN ALMOST TRANSPARENT KNOWLEDGE OF YOUR SOUL.

HOLY SHIT.

WHERE IS THE TRANSCRIPT OF THIS?

We’d like to see Russert try that shit. That sucker can manage, like, a foggy glimpse of your aura at best.

CHRIS MATTHEWS KNOWS WHAT EVIL LURKS IN THE HEARTS OF FLACKS.

Fuck basic cable, is it too late to make this guy the Pope?

(Video TK, we promise)

READ MORE: Personalities, cable news, chris matthews, holy shit, possessing almost translucent knowledge of one’s soul

Folks, Meet Your New Catchphrase

You know, generally, it’s not worth our time to go after all the insane, barely literate halfwits who write editorials and columns for our nation’s less prestigious papers. ‘Cause, really, it’s shooting fish in a barrel. It’s like sending Robert Christgau to review karaoke night at the Reef. Sure, it’s bad, but who cares — these people are amateurs. But every now and then, one of these lunatics comes up with a column so brilliant, so perfect, so unbalanced, that we must emerge from our decadent coastal enclave and enter the great uncharted middle of the country to bring back to our godless readers the Word. This is one of those columns:

One of these days before I die, I hope to see a shift in the attitudes of so many of my black brothers and sisters in this great country we share, from perpetual victimhood, to pride in their achievements on the road from slave to American citizen.

Remember Ronald Reagan’s story about the kid who had to shovel a huge pile of manure? He went about it with such joy he was asked why and said, “With all that manure, there’s got to be a pony in there somewhere.”

The pony hidden in slavery is the fact that it was the ticket to America for black people.

Oh, if only there were a way to register a spit take in xhtml.

“The pony in slavery,” people. Like the toy in a box of Cap’n Crunch. If Cap’n Crunch were, say, made of poison. And it took several generations and thousands of lives to get to the toy. And then when you got the toy, you weren’t allowed to play with it for another hundred years.

Adele Fergusen, we love you.

Why do blacks continue to support Democrats? [KPBJ]

READ MORE: adele fergusen, catchphrases, fun surprises at the end of each two hundred years of subjegation, holy shit, jeez, louise…, kitsap, no, really, just… wow, race, slavery, the pony in slavery, very very very very poorly thought-out metaphors