Illegal immigrants are taxing our nation’s social services and health care system. They’re placing new strains upon state and local governments. And now they’re screwing our pooches:

A witness called a Martin County deputy who arrived to find Junio Trenta, 31, having anal intercourse with the dog amid the woods in the 3200 block of Southeast Dixie Highway about 12:11 p.m. Monday.

Upon being seen, Trenta said, “It’s my dog,” and, “What’s the problem?” The male dog ran and hid behind the deputies, according to a report released Tuesday.

Trenta, a Mexican citizen working as a laborer, was charged with one count of felony sexual bestiality and one count of felony animal cruelty.

All together now: “No amnesty for dog **** ers!”

Indiantown man accused of sex with puppy [TCPalm]

Local campaigns are so much more colorful than national ones. They involve all the best stunts:

There’s a bear on the loose in this year’s [gubernatorial campaign.

A man dressed in a bear costume and wearing a highway trooper-style hat has appeared at several of Gov. Phil Bredesen’s re-election campaign stops this week, holding up signs demanding the Democratic governor return campaign contributions made by members of the Tennessee Highway Patrol.

“The bear is a friendly reminder that the governor needs to ‘bear’ more responsibility,” Chris Devaney, executive director of the state Republican Party, said Thursday.

Yeah, we’re groaning too.

If you can “bear” with us — HARHAR — there’s a little more, after the jump.

The bear apparently doesn’t have a name yet, although staffers to Governor Bredesen have dubbed it the “Bryson Bear,” after likely Republican candidate Jim Bryson. But Bryson isn’t claiming responsibility for the ursine antics:

Bryson spokesman Lance Frizell said the campaign is not directly involved in coordinating the bear’s activities.

“But I think the bear makes some valid points,” he said.

Where will the bear strike next? That’s classified information:

The GOP’s Devaney declined to lay out future plans for the bear, other than to say it will make appearances at more Bredesen campaign events.

“I can’t just hand over the play book,” Devaney said.

Those Republicans sure are wily!

GOP Has Man in Bear Suit Shadow Bredesen Campaign [AP]

The Senate is for sale too:

100 stuffed monkeys [craigslist]

is this photo:

The best argument against human cloning? Two words: Ann Coulter.

Dark Delights: Without Ruffles or Flourishes, Designers Show a Somber Side for Fall [WP]
Ann Coulter Plagiarizes the Gilded Moose [The Gilded Moose]

Earlier: Why We “Idolspize” Robin Givhan
Past Wonkette Coverage of Ann Coulter

Accountability’s the name of the game here at Wonkette. That’s why we were so excited to learn about the President’s Management Agenda, in which government employees are obligated to prove that their programs are worth their cost to taxpayers. It comes, as all good Agendas do, with a handy website: expectmore.gov, wherein you can find the whole list of programs that ought to be “eliminated and/or trimmed back.” First Draft did the necessary research (we have a policy against visiting government websites that aren’t intended for children or that don’t feature human-animal hybrids) and found a fun sampling of the government programs we can clearly do without. Some unnecessary wastes of your hard-earned cash include:

• Dept of Homeland Security Border Patrol
• Dept of Homeland Security Science and Technology: Threat and Vulnerability, Testing and Assessment
• Dept of Homeland Security Transportation Security Administration: Air Cargo Security Programs
• Dept of Homeland Security Transportation Security Administration: Baggage Screening Technology
• Dept of Homeland Security Transportation Security Administration: Federal Air Marshal Service
• Dept of Homeland Security Transportation Security Administration: Passenger Screening Technology

Dead weight! Get rid of it! And while we’re at it, heads oughtta roll at another agency that made the **** list: the State Department’s Public Diplomacy program. Headed by Karen Hughes, who, we’re totally 100% confident, will be cleaning out her desk by the end of the day.

Bush Says: Fire Karen Hughes! [first draft]

• Current Human-Animal Hybrid alert level: Elevated. [jesseberney.com]
• As soon as they sold out to the Post, we knew they’d sell out to the NSA (who, it seems, also have a kids page — have any government officials ever met a child?). [Washingtonian]
• The Department of Justice is addicted to oil. Also, they got the day off. [DCist]
• “Wolf and Jack” sounds like some sort of biracial late-’60s buddy movie, right? [FishbowlDC]

Throughout the day, we’ve delivered celebrity sightings of Bob Novak, that human-animal hybrid; more Supreme Court justices than you can shake a stick at; and the man that everyone’s talking about, Jack Abramoff.

Now we bring you an added bonus: a sighting of a possible future POTUS, Senator John McCain!

Sitting in National, waiting to catch the shuttle flight to NYC, when McCain sits down in front of me. Multiple people keep coming up to him to talk. A woman in her mid 50’s comes up and says, “Why, Senator McCain, you are so much better looking in person!” McCain says thank you.

As she leaves, I lean in and say, “Senator, I know how hard it is to be so devilishly good looking.” McCain starts cracking up, and I continue by saying, “I’m glad that worked — it was that or a Jack Abramoff
joke!”

The laughing stops; McCain proceeds to raise his paper over his face. I get up and walk away.

Good stuff! And the fun’s not over yet. Go the jump page — click on that pointing finger — for sightings of such boldface names as Susan Collins, Tony Williams, Mark Warner, Karl Rove, Joe Lockhart, Paul Begala, Bill Frist, and many more!

• Karl Rove at Les Halles on 1/31 at lunch time. Nothing like a little red meat while you are plotting the end of civilization as we know it!

• Former Gov. Mark Warner (and a couple of daughters or other kids) attended the Washington Auto Show on Sunday afternoon, January 29, at the DC Convention Center. Just like the rest of us, he stood in line for tickets. Couldn’t some VA car dealer comp this guy??? He must be in the market for new wheels now that he’s given back his government car.

• January 20, 2006, 6:30 pm - Saw Christian Campbell (totally hot co-star of iconic gay film “Trick”) having dinner at Georgia Browns with a friend and some woman. Also, watched as a queen [ed. note: lowercase “q” in original] sheepishly interrupted to get his picture taken with Christian, who looked absolutely thrilled to finally have someone recognize him. At least he was as hot in person as he is on screen.

• In a town known for its bipartisan partisanship, it’s increasingly surprising to see people spending downtime together across the aisle, and smiling while they do it. Last Monday I spotted the tough but elegant Rep. Jane Harman (D-Ca.) and moderate Maine Republican Sen. Susan Collins (who, for her part, looked trim and stylish and much hipper than she does on TV) at the opening night of the Shakespeare Theater’s brilliant new production of Don Juan. They seemed to be having a very pleasant time. Of course,
  Harman’s husband Sidney is backing an expansion of the theater, making her royalty around those parts, so perhaps that had something to do with it.

• Saw Bill Frist having dinner with a group at Nora on Wednesday night. They all seem to be out and about this week.

• Tues. 1/31. Went to breakfast at the Willard Room this morning and figured someone exciting would be there. Only person I recognized was the Mayor. Sitting at a table of about 6 — mostly older white guys, presumably talking baseball? Couldn’t hear the conversation. Acoustics in that place are amazing. Go Nats!

• I spotted Ethan Zohn from Survivor at the corner of 17th and Eye St NW today. He was on his cell phone, and far too well-dressed to be from DC.

• Bob Novak, spread expansively across a highly visible table, having a leisurely lunch with someone about twenty years more ancient than he was. Knowing that Novak’s major Democratic source is Bob Strauss, I googled Strauss. I can’t be positive, but I’m fairly sure it was him. Novak has regained the weight his medical misfortunes helped him lose.

• On Wednesday I spotted Joe Lockhart and Paul Begala at National Airport. They saw each other and struck up a conversation. I overheard Lockhart asking Begala if he thought the Begala/Carville book would make the New York Times bestseller list this week. Begala could have been spotted a mile away in a Texas Longhorns orange t-shirt and jeans.

• I saw Webster Hubbell having a drink at the bar at Panache (By ABC News) on Monday, January 31. Didn’t say anything, just watched Lou Dobbs on the TV, finished his cocktail, and mosied on out the door. Pretty boring, actually.

• This is pretty lame, but saw Juan Williams and some
  woman coming into Charlie Palmer’s on Thursday 1/26. Then my beer arrived and when I looked back up, they were gone.

• I saw Jim Cason, the associate deputy secretary of the Department of the Interior, grabbing lunch at the Corner Bakery in the National Press Club yesterday around 1:30pm. His posse got to-go — they took the food back to 18th and C, not wanting to eat with the rest of us. I don’t know what he ordered but he seemed pretty cranky. (Who’s Jim Cason you ask? He’s not even on DOI’s list of Key Officials. Jim Cason was appointed back in August 2001 and pretty much runs DOI. He is like Dick Cheney!)

Michael Chertoff knows that children are our future. That why he wants to scare the **** out of them with the Department of Homeland Security’s new just-fer-kidz preparedness campaign “Ready Kids” (cute font, etc.).

Curious about how we, too, could be Ready Kids, we checked out the newly launched web site — tragically, we weren’t ready, kids, for what we found there.

PEOPLE OF WASHINGTON — THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY HAS BEEN INFILTRATED BY HUMAN-ANIMAL HYBRIDS. ABANDON YOUR HOME OR PLACE OF WORK AND FLEE.

For a Preparedness Teaching Gig, Chertoff Hires This Cat With 9 Lives [WP]
Ready Kids [DHS]

Authorities are also questioning Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R.-Tenn.) in connection with the matter.

Hundreds of Dead Pets Dumped [WP]

Frist Asked To Atone for Killing Cats [UPI]

Earlier: I Don’t Think Hank Done It This Way

The President visited the Grand Ole Opry yesterday to follow up on some of points made in Tuesday’s speech (we’d like to you know that we handily beat a small child in a footrace just this afternoon as our contribution to the new Competitiveness Initiative). His impromptu remarks took a bit of an unfortunate turn, though:

“I’m proud to be traveling with your two United States Senators, the Majority Leader of the United States Senate, Bill Frist. (Applause.) He’s a good man. He’s a good guy to deal with, he is doing a fantastic job of herding cats. (Laughter.)” [Emphasis ours, natch]

Yes, he herds them right into the vivisection chamber.

Though this does explain the close working relationship between these two — Bush has realized that Frist, with his cat-slaughtering acumen, may be our last, best hope against the Cat People.

The President Speaks in Nashville [Nashville Is Talking]
Frist Asked to Atone for Killing Cats [UPI]

Cindy Sheehan pops it like its hot

The Capitol has never really seemed like much of a t-shirt place to us, so we weren’t particularly surprised when noted America-hater Cindy Sheehan and Helen Lovejoy-esque Professional Wife Beverly Young were both kicked out the State of the Union. Of course, the polite thing to do would’ve been for the concierge to invite them to take one of the jackets left behind at the coat check, but instead they just tossed Sheehan in jail and made Young cry. For the Hill Police, Supporting our Troops is only marginally less controversial than asking how many many more must die — we can sorta see their point, actually, but it led us to wondering what other t-shirts could get one kicked out of a classy State function.

We’ve consulted with Capitol Police Chief Terrance W. Gainer, and here’s what he had to say:

• “This one’s a bit of a gray area. If you’re sitting next to an elected official or a member of the cabinet, it will probably be considered a “protest,” and you’ll be escorted out. If you’re seated next to a wounded battle-hardened soldier, you will be allowed to watch the speech, but will receive a strongly-worded letter from the Joint Chiefs of Staff.”
• “I think the President was actually wearing this under his suit on Tuesday night. Part of the new Competition Initiative.”
• “Yeah, that one’ll get you in trouble. Very specific orders from very high up on that one.”
• “I don’t see a problem with this one.”

The Capitol’s Tempest In a T-Shirt [WP]

This is why we love the internet.

humananimalhybrid.net