Wonkette’s Week in Review: Bitch Slaps and Wiretaps

• The Senate confirmation hearings for soon-to-be CIA Director Michael Hayden began this week. In the great tradition of the adult film industry, there will be two versions of the hearing; one for cable and one for pay-per-view, er, Senate Members’ Ears Only. We were actually pretty relieved that the hardcore hearings were closed, that shit was long enough. Finally, the denouement: he’s an idiot.

• While the doors were shut on the on the double-extra secret intelligence hearings, the Congressional Catfight kept rolling on. The matches really started getting close. The combatants were fighting (capped) tooth and (manicured) nail.
  
• Tony Snow gave his first televised press briefing this week. It was about as funny as - cancer.

• Anyway, back to the stuff that matters. The catfight between Katherine Harris and Barney Frank was so close it confusingly fucked up our software. Time for a runoff! Which of these two house-side hustlers is the more stylish flirt? You voted, we crunched the numbers, and Katy found that it’s hard to keep your feet dry when you’re kicking in skulls!
  
• Readers hungry after the initial taste of blood got us to add a wild card spot to the catfight.
  
• The Harris vs. Pelosi “Battle of the Botox” is still raging; voting ends Monday.
  
• We threw our considerable political clout behind two pairs a pair of lovely ladies. One wants to be the governor of Nevada, and the other wants more girl-on-girl action in Sacramento.

• Meanwhile, from the “no news is no news” file: the Watergategate scandal continues to simmer, Karl Rove is still not indicted, and the immigration debate continues to rage (with President Bush giving a boring speech that didn’t really please anyone).

• That crazy science. One minute pollution is slowly causing the Earth to cook us to death, the next — CARBON DIOXIDE: WE CALL IT LIFE.

READ MORE: CIA, Media, barney frank, breasts, capitol hill, catfights, commercials, congressional catfight, eavesdropping, endorsements, funny videos, global warming, intelligence committee, katherine harris, liveblogging, michael hayden, nancy pelosi, nsa, polls, pollution, porn, press briefings, psa, senate, sheila jackson lee, tony snow, watergategate, week in review, wiretapping

Part Two of the Hayden Hearing Liveblog: Back from Recess and Ready for Social Studies

11:41 — DeWine reminds us of a suburban bank branch manager. He talks kinda like Jimmy Stewart, though. He is reading his History Day presentation on “The CIA.”

“Do you agree that we need to be more creative and risk-taking?” Oy, this is bullshit.

“The culture of the Agency was such that this baby will be strangled in the crib.” We forgot what he’s talking about, but that’s a really creepy metaphor.

The Jimmy Stewart thing is bugging us. “In th-th-that light, lemme ask you a question… uhhhhh…. ehhhh…. Ah-ah-ah… are you gonna shut down the Savings and Loan?”

We’ve considered turning this off and putting in The Philadelphia Story.

11:32 — Levin: Will you be nice to detainees? How bout that Geneva Convention?
Hayden: Uh… not really.
Levin: Convention against torture?
Hayden: Detainee Treatment Act.
Levin: Yeah, but that’s for the DoD. Not the CIA.
Hayden: So it is, yes.
Levin: Well, my time’s up.

11:29 — Hayden: “I was uncomfortable.” W/ DoD’s personal intelligence analysis study group and their Al-Qaeda-Iraq link. Which leads to “I got three great kids.”

Holy shit he just threatened to build up a dossier on his KIDS! HE WILL PROVE CONCLUSIVELY A HAYDEN’S KIDS-SADDAM HUSSEIN LINK.

Levin: Will you describe the difference between the bad way to do things and the way you will do things? Hayden: “18 years of Catholic education, I know a lot about deductive reasoning.”

“What happens when induction meets deduction, Senator?” Two great tastes that taste great together.

Levin: Did you have a disagreement with the Defense Secretary? By the way, you’re wearing a uniform.
Hayden: DoD put my testimony on their website. NSA didn’t. “My solution was something like the founding fathers’.” Own slaves, shoot English people, fight Indians. Right?

READ MORE: CIA, hearings, intelligence committee, jane harman, liveblogging, michael hayden, pat roberts, senate, top

Liveblogging the Hayden Hearing, Unless It Gets Too Boring

10:16 — VERY SHORT RECESS. Wow, that was exciting. Check back for more, once the actual questioning starts.

10:15 — The football metaphors are killing us. Hayden will focus on “getting it right more often.” Can’t argue with that. Man, those medals are shiny. He should put like a couple bowling trophies on the table. Seems like anyone with epaulets is gonna get confirmed, right? “Speaking truth to power” — check. He will do that. Where “power” = your phone and “speaking truth” = “listening in.”

This is like a “bring your dad to school day.” What does a CIA director do all day? By Richard Scarry. The CIA has become the football. BE THE BALL, GENERAL.

And we finally get to the press-bashing. Accountability is good, but only when they do it to themselves. Accountability = bad when it’s in the New York Times.”The CIA needs to get out of the news, as source, or subject.” Well, if they want to get out of the news, their options are either a) fire all the non-political hacks or b) stop being a pit of incompetence and criminal negligence. Hayden doesn’t indicate which one he’s leaning towards.

10:04 — Pat Roberts’ openeing statement: “Al-Qaeda is planning another attack RIGHT NOW, AS WE HOLD THIS HEARING”

Levin: Will you restore analytical objectivity and speak truth to power or will you be a hack, huh?
Hayden: Uh, hack. Wait, no, the other one, sorry. Ha. Boy am I red in the face.
Levin: Almost got you!

Levin’s opening statement touches on all the issues that Hayden will refuse to answer questions about. Senator Rockefeller is recovering nicely from back surgery, and watching the hearing on C-Span. Just like us!

Hayden’s opening statement: A few words on Porter Goss. “As director, Porter fostered a transformation that the agency must continue…” very gracious. Whoo, here we go on the “Webster’s Dictionary defines ‘the CIA’ as…” bit. Apparently, this CIA thing is involved in… intelligence? Security? The CIA remains… central — geddit?

FIRST SPORTS METAPHOR. The CIA is like some sort of football player. “Even top players need to focus on the scoreboard, not on their individual achievements.” No no no, Mike! They’re supposed to keep their eyes on the ball!

READ MORE: CIA, hearings, intelligence committee, michael hayden, pat roberts, senate, top

Hayden Hearings: Free T-Shirt to the First Senator to Ask About Hookers

Happy Hayden Confirmation Day! We, the unwashed masses, shall get the sanitized, boring hearing, and we’ll like it, dammit, while the cool kids on the intelligence committee will hold the real one in a locked room with no lights on, whispering all their super top secret questions. Yeah, the guy’s a lock. Go democracy! It’s an inspiring tale, really, that a guy who can’t remember the entirety of the fourth amendment and who’s personally responsible for an illegal domestic spying program that sidesteps congressional oversight completely can win the support of said congress with a few well-timed secret briefings. You exercise those powers, Senate!

The fun starts at 9:30. The guy who looks like either George Costanza’s boss or the liquid metal android from T2 will be playing the part of the nominee, a bunch of neutered idiots will be playing the part of your greater legislative body. Look for Ron Wyden to be the cranky, contankerous one, if his bitchy quotes in today’s Times and Post are any indication:

“What do I know, I’m just on the intelligence committee,” Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore.) is fond of saying, ruefully noting that most of what he knows about the surveillance program has come from newspapers.

Cheer up, Ron! You may not know shit about the massive NSA surveillance project, but we’re sure you’re well-acquainted with some of Washington’s best and brightest defense contractors.

Lawmakers Reexamine Hayden [WP]

READ MORE: CIA, eavesdropping, intelligence committee, michael hayden, nsa, ron wyden, senate, top, wiretapping