• The Senate confirmation hearings for soon-to-be CIA Director Michael Hayden began this week. In the great tradition of the adult film industry, there will be two versions of the hearing; one for cable and one for pay-per-view, er, Senate Members’ Ears Only. We were actually pretty relieved that the hardcore hearings were closed, that **** was long enough. Finally, the denouement: he’s an idiot.

• While the doors were shut on the on the double-extra secret intelligence hearings, the Congressional Catfight kept rolling on. The matches really started getting close. The combatants were fighting (capped) tooth and (manicured) nail.
  
• Tony Snow gave his first televised press briefing this week. It was about as funny as - cancer.

• Anyway, back to the stuff that matters. The catfight between Katherine Harris and Barney Frank was so close it confusingly **** ed up our software. Time for a runoff! Which of these two house-side hustlers is the more stylish flirt? You voted, we crunched the numbers, and Katy found that it’s hard to keep your feet dry when you’re kicking in skulls!
  
• Readers hungry after the initial taste of blood got us to add a wild card spot to the catfight.
  
• The Harris vs. Pelosi “Battle of the Botox” is still raging; voting ends Monday.
  
• We threw our considerable political clout behind two pairs a pair of lovely ladies. One wants to be the governor of Nevada, and the other wants more girl-on-girl action in Sacramento.

• Meanwhile, from the “no news is no news” file: the Watergategate scandal continues to simmer, Karl Rove is still not indicted, and the immigration debate continues to rage (with President Bush giving a boring speech that didn’t really please anyone).

• That crazy science. One minute pollution is slowly causing the Earth to cook us to death, the next — CARBON DIOXIDE: WE CALL IT LIFE.

11:41 — DeWine reminds us of a suburban bank branch manager. He talks kinda like Jimmy Stewart, though. He is reading his History Day presentation on “The CIA.”

“Do you agree that we need to be more creative and risk-taking?” Oy, this is bull **** .

“The culture of the Agency was such that this baby will be strangled in the crib.” We forgot what he’s talking about, but that’s a really creepy metaphor.

The Jimmy Stewart thing is bugging us. “In th-th-that light, lemme ask you a question… uhhhhh…. ehhhh…. Ah-ah-ah… are you gonna shut down the Savings and Loan?”

We’ve considered turning this off and putting in The Philadelphia Story.

11:32 — Levin: Will you be nice to detainees? How bout that Geneva Convention?
Hayden: Uh… not really.
Levin: Convention against torture?
Hayden: Detainee Treatment Act.
Levin: Yeah, but that’s for the DoD. Not the CIA.
Hayden: So it is, yes.
Levin: Well, my time’s up.

11:29 — Hayden: “I was uncomfortable.” W/ DoD’s personal intelligence analysis study group and their Al-Qaeda-Iraq link. Which leads to “I got three great kids.”

Holy **** he just threatened to build up a dossier on his KIDS! HE WILL PROVE CONCLUSIVELY A HAYDEN’S KIDS-SADDAM HUSSEIN LINK.

Levin: Will you describe the difference between the bad way to do things and the way you will do things? Hayden: “18 years of Catholic education, I know a lot about deductive reasoning.”

“What happens when induction meets deduction, Senator?” Two great tastes that taste great together.

Levin: Did you have a disagreement with the Defense Secretary? By the way, you’re wearing a uniform.
Hayden: DoD put my testimony on their website. NSA didn’t. “My solution was something like the founding fathers’.” Own slaves, shoot English people, fight Indians. Right?

11:20 — “Some significant percentage, it’s a big number, of that organization that attacked us on September 11,” has been taken care of. Al-Qaeda is “on it’s back foot right now.”

Levin sounds kinda out of breath. He brings it back to the NSA program. He gets Hayden to say he “participated in the design of the program.” Levin: “Will you at least say that there is a privacy concern?” Maybe? Please? Just say it. “Privacy issue.” Come on.

Hayden: Nope. I did give a talk about freedom vs. security.

The most he can get out of him is “I can certainly understand why someone would be concerned.” And “there are privacy concerns in everything we do.”

Did your people agree with the specious legal argument made by the President? The “Authotization of Force” allows us to do anything we want argument? Hayden: “Article 2! Article 2!”

11:10 — HumInt vs. SigInt! Jargon time! “Two games going on simultaneously,” sez Hayden. One in the agency, one in the greater community. Two games, no ref. Also, both games are air hockey. And the table’s not plugged in. And we’re out of quarters. SPORTS METAPHORS, YES.

DoD and CIA getting on just fine, thank you! Everyone’s friends. Kit is trying to get him to smackdown Rumsfeld. Closest he’ll get is saying that “on the ground,” DoD intelligence is doing the exact same thing as CIA intelligence. But don’t worry, they’re going to draw a “bright line” between them. Divide Iraq down the middle with chalk, Rumsfeld has to stay on his side, Negroponte on the other. HILARITY ENSUES.

Bond read a book on the CIA in Afghanistan. Whattya want, one of Hayden’s medals?

11:03 — Hayden: Affect of leaks on terrorist-capturing: “It’s almost Darwinian.” WILL HE BE THE FIRST ADMINISTRATION APPOINTEE WHO BELIEVES IN DARWIN? WE DON’T CARE ABOUT “PROBABLE CAUSE,” PUT THIS GUY IN CHARGE OF THE NEA FER CHRISSAKES.

11:00 — Kit Bond! Secret Agent Senator! “Are you a lawyer?” No, he is not. Kit wants to know that how we can stop the wiretapping program from, say, “listening in on the media.” Don’t think they’re particularly interested in stopping that. Ha ha, Hayden: In terms of making sure the program is lawful, “others are more expert than I.”

There’s a target folder that explains the rationale with a lengthy check-list. Hooray. “To the best of my knowledge, folks out there are batting 1,000.” Kit basing his questions on stuff he heard on the radio this morning. He’s gonna ask Hayden about that video of the bear eating the monkey next.

10:49 — What the hell is Pat Roberts talking about. Where will you put dissenters on the assumption train? The front? The middle? Not the caboose. Well, Senator, we’re pretty sure the CIA doesn’t really care where dissenters sit on the assumption train, as long as that train is headed for secret Soviet-era eastern European prisons.

10:42 — During the break, Jane Harman says the administration is violating the law and the constitution. She’s looking pretty good, actually. Testy works for her. Kind of a slow burn. She wears it much more calmly than Pelosi. Can we switch them?

The Immigration vote has finished, we’re pretty sure they passed leglislation outlawing Mexico forever. And we’re coming to order! Proceed to questions! Members will be recognized in the order of their arrival! Chairman Howie Mandel explains the rules.

Roberts: Will you be our friend?
Hayden: Yes.
Roberts: Allow me to agree with your opening statement. We will kind of pay attention to what you do, though. Is that ok?

Hayden pretends to take notes on Roberts’ babbling. Cute. He is writing: a) “Christ, what an **** .” b) “Pick up milk, tap Wyden’s phone.” c) “Harman: new haircut?”

Roberts: General, will you retroactively screw up Iraq WMD intelligence?
Hayden: Probably not, no.

10:16 — VERY SHORT RECESS. Wow, that was exciting. Check back for more, once the actual questioning starts.

10:15 — The football metaphors are killing us. Hayden will focus on “getting it right more often.” Can’t argue with that. Man, those medals are shiny. He should put like a couple bowling trophies on the table. Seems like anyone with epaulets is gonna get confirmed, right? “Speaking truth to power” — check. He will do that. Where “power” = your phone and “speaking truth” = “listening in.”

This is like a “bring your dad to school day.” What does a CIA director do all day? By Richard Scarry. The CIA has become the football. BE THE BALL, GENERAL.

And we finally get to the press-bashing. Accountability is good, but only when they do it to themselves. Accountability = bad when it’s in the New York Times.”The CIA needs to get out of the news, as source, or subject.” Well, if they want to get out of the news, their options are either a) fire all the non-political hacks or b) stop being a pit of incompetence and criminal negligence. Hayden doesn’t indicate which one he’s leaning towards.

10:04 — Pat Roberts’ openeing statement: “Al-Qaeda is planning another attack RIGHT NOW, AS WE HOLD THIS HEARING”

Levin: Will you restore analytical objectivity and speak truth to power or will you be a hack, huh?
Hayden: Uh, hack. Wait, no, the other one, sorry. Ha. Boy am I red in the face.
Levin: Almost got you!

Levin’s opening statement touches on all the issues that Hayden will refuse to answer questions about. Senator Rockefeller is recovering nicely from back surgery, and watching the hearing on C-Span. Just like us!

Hayden’s opening statement: A few words on Porter Goss. “As director, Porter fostered a transformation that the agency must continue…” very gracious. Whoo, here we go on the “Webster’s Dictionary defines ‘the CIA’ as…” bit. Apparently, this CIA thing is involved in… intelligence? Security? The CIA remains… central — geddit?

FIRST SPORTS METAPHOR. The CIA is like some sort of football player. “Even top players need to focus on the scoreboard, not on their individual achievements.” No no no, Mike! They’re supposed to keep their eyes on the ball!

Happy Hayden Confirmation Day! We, the unwashed masses, shall get the sanitized, boring hearing, and we’ll like it, dammit, while the cool kids on the intelligence committee will hold the real one in a locked room with no lights on, whispering all their super top secret questions. Yeah, the guy’s a lock. Go democracy! It’s an inspiring tale, really, that a guy who can’t remember the entirety of the fourth amendment and who’s personally responsible for an illegal domestic spying program that sidesteps congressional oversight completely can win the support of said congress with a few well-timed secret briefings. You exercise those powers, Senate!

The fun starts at 9:30. The guy who looks like either George Costanza’s boss or the liquid metal android from T2 will be playing the part of the nominee, a bunch of neutered idiots will be playing the part of your greater legislative body. Look for Ron Wyden to be the cranky, contankerous one, if his bitchy quotes in today’s Times and Post are any indication:

“What do I know, I’m just on the intelligence committee,” Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore.) is fond of saying, ruefully noting that most of what he knows about the surveillance program has come from newspapers.

Cheer up, Ron! You may not know **** about the massive NSA surveillance project, but we’re sure you’re well-acquainted with some of Washington’s best and brightest defense contractors.

Lawmakers Reexamine Hayden [WP]