Wonkette - iraq elections

Category: iraq elections

JAN

2006

Pentagon Press Briefing: Iraq Stuck in Reruns

President Bush just got finished with his press conference at the Pentagon, in which he detailed his latest Pentagon briefing. From the sounds of things, each Pentagon briefing is much the same as all the others -- freedom is marching, constant elections will soon replace potable water as a source of refreshment, a new Middle Eastern government based on Sharia law is just what the American taxpayers wanted, the Iraqi forces are well on their way to retaking Hadrian's Wall from the Celtic hordes, et cetera, ad infinitum, with liberty and justice for all, strategery.

Of course, establishing a withdrawal timetable is still "playing politics." And, of course, we all know that in this year of off-year elections, it's secretly understood that the political timetable favors "playing withdrawal."

Look, Iraq is headed for some sort of future. We really hope that it turns out well. And we don't want to simply heap criticism upon the whole project without also contributing to a constructive idea that will help the future of the region, so here is ours: when the next President of Iraq asks us to sell him some poison gas, maybe let's not. Okay? — DCEIVER

DEC

2005

The Week In Wonkette

• Kathleen Parker recalls a high school book report and undergoes a severe mental paroxysm during which she realizes that if it weren't for narcissists like her, bloggers would have piloted the planet into the sun by now.

• Dick Cheney: he's in, he's out, he's in, he's out...why can't he be more like his daughter?

• Peter Baker and Jim VandeHei look back on 2005 with selective remembrances and rose-colored glasses.

• All dogs go to heaven, you know.

• Maureen Dowd infuses inscrutability with epochal melodrama.

• Hate to say I told you so, but we're not getting the government we wanted to get in Iraq.

• George Bush ain't gonna take no more shit from tsunamis.

• The Intelligent Designer doesn't have to be God, you know. Alien overlords who travel through time, why not?

• The only losers in the stupid War On Christmas are the stupid people who ruined their own stupid Christmas by stupidly insisting that such a stupid war existed in the first place.— DCEIVER

DEC

2005

We Bombed in Baghdad

iraq elections.JPG We're often accused of wiseassery over her at Wonkette, but the truth is, we want nothing more for the people of Iraq to be free. The same kittens and picnics and Death Cab For Cutie concerts we take for granted in America are all things we wish the Iraqi people to enjoy. They deserve to have their own Al-Gawkiri network lampooning their social elites. They deserve to have their Lives Hacked, their Grids Skipped. They deserve a weekly feature, perhaps titled Sunni-Controlled Regions Lose that depicts the fashion disasters of their own MDMA-soaked clubkids. And they deserve a democracy strong enough to support a Wonkette of their own, because while you may not know it, there is assfucking in Iraq. And it is very dirty, we assure you.

But as we get news on the results of the recent parliamentary elections in Iraq, we note that there is one word that accurately captures the U.S. backed factions: Dukakis. Our man in Baghdad, Ayad Allawi and his Iraq National List party, is going to find himself out on the governmental fringes with a paltry 25 seats or so, and while Ahmed Chalabi remains the king of Christopher Hitchens gin-drenched heart, he's basically gone down in flames where the future of Iraq is concerned.

So, if when you heard "freedoms on the march in Iraq" you thought "secular, Western-style democracy", well, prepare yourself to be disappointed. If the Shiite center holds and the entire nation doesn't swallow itself whole in a factional bloodfeud, we may luck out and not have to come home from the middle east having created Iran West. But based upon what's unfolding in Iraq, if we intend to celebrate a new democracy in Iraq for 2006, we better hope Lee Greenwood learns a few catchy tunes about Sharia law.— DCEIVER

Iraq Election Update: Nyuck Nyuck

Wonkette's Forward Operating Base Operative writes in with an update on the Iraqi elections, including a heart-warming scene that makes us think maybe the Lincoln Group was onto something with their Osama bin Moe sitcom idea:

As I was driving in my Stryker to a polling site to let my Iraqi born interpreters to vote, one told me he thought this election was another "poke in the insurgents eye." I thought about this, then I did the old "Three Stooges eye poke" thing to him...which he deftly parried with the old "Three Stooges hand in front of the nose" move. Then we both did the nyuk, nyuk, nyuk bit...and laughed till our balls hurt.

FOBO skips over the "Tom Clancy" stuff and goes straight for Marxist Brothers right after the jump.

Ana-
Well color me surprised-seems like inside of every Iraqi, there's a Floridian waiting come out. We had our own private Broward County today. The polls opened on time and the insurgents didn't really seem to want to come out and play, but there was drama none the less. About an hour into the voting, we started getting reports that Sunni polling officials in several neighborhoods decided that registered Kurdish voters were no longer registered and turned them away. Which of course angered the primarily Kurdish Iraqi Army Soldiers that were securing many of the polling sites. We are still sorting it out but it's all over but the chad counting now.

This is an example of how hard it to report the war-the. What few Americans really know is that the conflict in Iraq is not sustained by AMZ, UBL, or Al Queda, or the House of Saud...that's just Tom Clancy stuff. The insurgency in Iraq is a fight over ethnicity, tribalism, religious sectarianism and the poverty and relative deprivation these powerful tensions have created.

The foreign fighters here are just "'johnny (jihad) come latelies" looking to fight for their dying, backasswards world view. That's what not having a Reformation will do for a culture. The real insurgents here are Iraqis; mostly Sunni but of all flavors. It's the Iraqi player-haters that drive the insurgency. The Shia'a despise the Sunnis because Saddam's 20% Sunni minority oppressed them for 30 years; the Sunni hate the Shia's because with Saddam sporting a orange jumper and GI issue "birth control" glasses, they know life as a Sunni in Iraqi is now going to suck. The Sunni hate the Kurds for standing up to Saddam; The Kurds hate the Sunni for the nerve gas attacks and years of general brutalization. The Kurds bided their time under Saddam's jack boot until we established the no-fly areas after the First Gulf War (you know, "the good one") and protected them for 10 years. Now there back, they've got an army, and they're pissed.

Might not get me that White house fellowship everybody wants, but that the best analysis I can give you between mortar and IED attacks, midnight raids, and trips to the messhall.

Might seem like a real mess, but most Iraqi are like most of us...good, honest people who want peace and prosperity. Seeing free people vote for their first legitimate government should inspire all Americans, whether you are a Democrat, Republican, Janine Garofolo, or Ann Colter. As I was driving in my Stryker to a polling site to let my Iraqi born interpreters to vote, one told me he thought this election was another "poke in the insurgents eye." I thought about this, then I did the old "Three Stooges eye poke" thing to him...which he deftly parried with the old "Three Stooges hand in front of the nose" move. Then we both did the nyuk, nyuk, nyuk bit...and laughed till our balls hurt.

Thanks for the Bombay Sapphire Bunt Cake Idea, but I'll definitely take a rain check. Gin tastes a million times better slouched sullenly at the bar at the Capitol Grill.

Till next time,
FOBO

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