Babylon Sisters, Shaken

The U.S. Military admitted today to staging the most obvious metaphor imaginable for all the various glaring fuck-ups they’ve made in Iraq since 2003…

The British Broadcasting Corp. reported Friday that after the 2003 invasion of Iraq, U.S. Marines had built a helicopter pad on the ruins of Babylon and filled their sandbags with archaeological fragments from the ancient city. It said vibrations from U.S. helicopters caused the roof of one building to collapse.

Well. Beautiful. Just beautiful. THIS ENTIRE WAR WAS SCRIPTED BY A HACK.

Col. John Coleman, former chief of staff for the 1st Marine Expeditionary Force in Iraq, told the BBC that if the head of the Iraqi antiquities board wanted an apology, and “if it makes him feel good, we can certainly give him one.”

Jeez, quit living in the past, Iraqi antiquities board.

You know, when the fucking Macedonian’s conquered it, they didn’t grind it up to put in sandbags, Colonel.

U.S. Admits Military Damaged Babylon [MSNBC]

READ MORE: alexander the great, babylon, depressingly obvious metaphors, history, iraq, jeez, louise…, war

Folks, Meet Your New Catchphrase

You know, generally, it’s not worth our time to go after all the insane, barely literate halfwits who write editorials and columns for our nation’s less prestigious papers. ‘Cause, really, it’s shooting fish in a barrel. It’s like sending Robert Christgau to review karaoke night at the Reef. Sure, it’s bad, but who cares — these people are amateurs. But every now and then, one of these lunatics comes up with a column so brilliant, so perfect, so unbalanced, that we must emerge from our decadent coastal enclave and enter the great uncharted middle of the country to bring back to our godless readers the Word. This is one of those columns:

One of these days before I die, I hope to see a shift in the attitudes of so many of my black brothers and sisters in this great country we share, from perpetual victimhood, to pride in their achievements on the road from slave to American citizen.

Remember Ronald Reagan’s story about the kid who had to shovel a huge pile of manure? He went about it with such joy he was asked why and said, “With all that manure, there’s got to be a pony in there somewhere.”

The pony hidden in slavery is the fact that it was the ticket to America for black people.

Oh, if only there were a way to register a spit take in xhtml.

“The pony in slavery,” people. Like the toy in a box of Cap’n Crunch. If Cap’n Crunch were, say, made of poison. And it took several generations and thousands of lives to get to the toy. And then when you got the toy, you weren’t allowed to play with it for another hundred years.

Adele Fergusen, we love you.

Why do blacks continue to support Democrats? [KPBJ]

READ MORE: adele fergusen, catchphrases, fun surprises at the end of each two hundred years of subjegation, holy shit, jeez, louise…, kitsap, no, really, just… wow, race, slavery, the pony in slavery, very very very very poorly thought-out metaphors